Remember Me

The ghost’s insolence does not disappear completely, but noticeably shrinks. Once he learned that his behavior could deprive him of an active company he started to control his dictatorship. He still asks to do things for him yet in four cases out of five he patiently waits instead of demanding capriciously. The atmosphere at home has become calmer and now they sometimes discuss videos that they have watched together not fighting over the laptop anymore. A couple of days later, the autumn break is over and Changbin has to drag himself back to the university again. Hyunjin who is always excited over any opportunity to walk around a new place comes with him of course. Entering the classroom without any sort of enthusiasm Changbin falls down on his chair, throws a pen and a philosophy notebook on the desk and slouches back. He goes through his phone and then squints once he looks at the board. “What the… hey, wake up,” he pushes Jisung who was sitting at the desk beside him and the guy lifts his head reluctantly. “The fuck is that?” On the white board there was an announcement written in a black marker: “Assessment of the leftover knowledge. Don’t be late.” “He thought it’d be nice to ruin the mood from the very start.” “And the grades,” Changbin snorts. “Are you ready?” “You kidding me? Of course, not. Nobody’s ready except for the nerds.” “There’s no such thing as a good morning, am I right?” Hyunjin chuckles. “You’re so gonna get fucked.” “We’re all gonna get fucked.” “Damn right we are,” agrees Jisung and Changbin remembers that he has to be careful in the university. A few minutes later, their professor enters the room. He looks impolitely satisfied and definitely anticipates the results he could laugh at in the teachers’ room. He hands out the papers, explains how to fill in the blanks and sets the timer to forty minutes. The test starts accompanied by the song of disgruntled sighs. “What a shitty handwriting, even a circus monkey could write better,” Hyunjin gracefully marches between the desks staring at everyone’s notebooks. “There’s one guy copying everything from his phone, you wanna rat him out?” Changbin’s hand props his cheek. Hyunjin has got it easy: no tests, no exams, no grades. He can just walk around and chatter talking about whatever his eyes fix on. And Changbin is sitting there, racking his brain, trying to remember at least something of what they have studied. He somehow got not a too disgraceful grade during the mid-term after all. “Gosh, this moron wrote “Eristotel” instead of “Aristotle” how is he not expelled yet?” The comments made this situation a little bit funnier but they were useless. Changbin could not care less about other students’ problems when he himself was screwed. He barely answers first ten questions not being sure about any of them and smudges eraser shavings over the desk trying to remember what Epicureanism means. At one point, he suddenly feels enlightened but it has nothing to do with the Epicureanism. He coughs in order to catch the attention of the ghost who was observing something through the window. When nothing happens he coughs louder and drops the pen on the floor. “Changbin, is everything okay?” “Yeah, it’s just a tickle in my throat. Sorry.” Hearing his name Hyunjin turns around and finally catches his gaze. “What? Are you calling me?” Changbin nods. While the ghost is making his way, he quickly scribbles in his notebook: “Read me the answers of that nerd from the first desk.” “Shit, what a brilliant idea you’ve come up with,” says Hyunjin in a snarky tone and squats in front of his desk resting his arms on it in a business-like manner. “And what’s in it for me?” “My gratitude.” “And what am I supposed to do with it? Shove it up my ass?” “What do you want?” “A house in Norway and a cool car.” “I’m serious goddammit is it so hard for you to help me?” “Cheating is bad, I just care about you and want you to have your own knowledge.” Changbin’s gaze pierces him with a loud “I’m not buying that shit” wrapped all over it. They did not know each other when Hyunjin was still alive, but something is telling Changbin that this brat not only cheated on tests, but just sat there openly with his phone on the desk and copied absolutely everything with no shame whatsoever. “Okay, I’ll be choosing movies and watching them whenever I want whether you’re reading or not for two weeks.” “Two weeks? Are you fucking crazy?” “You wanna score five points out of fifty just like that Eristotel over there?” “I’d rather have my five points than a slave contract,” Changbin shows him a middle finger. “A week.” “A week and a half.” “Nine days.” “Deal.” Concluding that it is unlikely to get a better offer and he will find a way to negotiate himself something else later anyway Hyunjin claps his hands right before Changbin’s nose making him flinch and casually walks to the first desk. It belonged to a highly focused guy named Minho. “This dude?” Changbin nods. “I can tell he’s a nerd right away, man, he’s almost done. Write this shit down I ain’t gonna repeat myself.” As a result, the annoying ghost has finally brought some considerable benefit. Not a free one but it is better than nothing. All the answers are copied, a relief laid upon his soul. At least one good grade is guaranteed. Once the test is over a normal lesson starts. Hyunjin sits down on one of the desks so that a nose of a sleepy Jeongin pokes through his back. He listens for a while until he gets bored and then goes back to the window. During the break, tired Changbin lays down on his desk with a serious intention to sleep it off in a ten minutes span with all his might. Once he places his head on the notebook a well-known phantom voice rings next to his ear. “Let’s go for a walk.” “I don’t wanna get up.” “Then don’t,” mumbles Jisung from the other side obviously not knowing that Changbin was talking to the ghost and not him. “I’m sick of staying in this room.” Changbin brushes him off with a hand. “Get your ass up. I can’t get to other floors without you and if I stick to someone else I might not be able to get back here.” Sleeping seems much more appealing than roaming around the corridors and listening to him whine. Changbin puts the headphones on and turns on the music so he could not hear him anymore. Luckily, Hyunjin cannot touch him. When the break is over Jisung wakes him up. Changbin gets up lazily, stretches and sees the back of Hyunjin who was sitting at the front desk. He will pout for a while and then get back to normal. He is not in a hurry anyway, he will have enough opportunities to walk. Another boring lesson starts. Changbin is blankly doodling with the pen in his notebook drawing vertical and horizontal lines in turns. If he just sits, he might fall asleep cause that has happened in the last semester. His mind partially blacks out pulling him back from the real world. He comes back to his senses only when professor calls him by the name. “There are philosophers and the main points of their teachings on the interactive board. I want you to match them correspondingly.” “Ah, okay.” Changbin gives Hyunjin who turned around a meaningful look and then peeks at papers on the teacher’s desk. The answers must be written there. However, Hyunjin not only ignores them, but he stands up, his height exceeding Changbin’s, and crosses his arms over his chest blocking the white board. “I can’t see,” says Changbin emphasizing his words. “Can’t see? Give me a second I’ll change the font size,” professor nods and clicks. Changbin tightens his jaws and moves his head to the side asking the ghost to step back. “I don’t wanna step back,” he lifts up his shoulders a bit. “It feels so comfortable to stand right here, can you imagine?” “Can you see it now?” “Yeah it’s just… I don’t really remember this topic.” “It’s okay, let’s do it together. Read the first idea, please.” “Read, why don’t you say anything?” Hyunjin scoffs. “Everyone’s waiting.” “Move,” says Changbin silently moving his lips. “No. You better study instead of sleeping. For example, about postmodernism. You know what that is?” As if blocking the board was not enough Hyunjin begins talking loudly about the postmodernism that he probably learned about during the last lesson. His voice layers on the voice of their professor who was trying to get something out of Changbin. A messed up cacophony booms in his ears, it is impossible to make out anything comprehensible let alone see what was on the board. Changbin tries to keep it together, but when the ghost starts speaking louder he snaps. “Cut that bullshit already for fuck’s sake!” A dazed silence falls upon the room after his scream. Even Hyunjin did not expect such a reaction and got quiet. All eyes are on Changbin who feels his blood drumming in his temples. His fists clench. Now everyone is gonna think he is crazy. “I apologize,” he says to their professor who literally froze beside the white board. “I… I’m not feeling well, my head’s all split. Can I go home?” A bewildered pause. “Sure... You need some help? Someone should go with you.” “I’ll go,” Jisung gets up. “No, there’s no need to, I can handle it,” Changbin waves his hand dismissively and hurriedly throws his stuff into the backpack. “Sorry.” He storms out of the room and walks an empty corridor at a rapid pace. His nerves are sizzling, ears reddened due to the anger. He never thought he could get so pissed that he would not be able to contain his rage at all. Probably, the fact that he could not even explain everything to others accelerated it more. They don not see ghosts after all. “You could’ve…” “Shut up,” Changbin turns round abruptly and stings stopped Hyunjin with a burning gaze. “Shut the fuck up or just get lost somewhere already.” In the classroom windows at the right side, heads of surprised students turn to him. For them he was arguing with emptiness. Changbin closes his eyes tiredly and keeps on making his way to the exit. He has already established a reputation of a lunatic for himself. He does not look back when walking the street, not even once. He does not care if Hyunjin is following him or not. Changbin might be understanding but he is not made of iron. If he snaps then he will stay overwhelmed for a time being that is why he tries to keep distance in conflicts. At home, he puts on the headphones and goes to his unmade bed pulling the blanket over his head. Changbin wakes up in the afternoon. He squints at the light breaking through the window, turns off the music and stretches. The lower back feels sore. His eyes move over the apartment, but cannot find a familiar silhouette. He sits up, puts the blanket to the side and feels an unpleasant sludge around his diaphragm. He is supposed to not care, why is he worried that the ghost is not here? How much did he get attached to him during the past two weeks? Changbin is about to put on a hoodie to go outside when Hyunjin who heard him move comes in through the bathroom door. He did not leave. Hyunjin stands beside the door for a while, then comes forward and sits down on the other side of the sofa cross-legged. Arms also crossed, but not over his chest and instead his hands rest a bit over his elbows. For a few minutes, they just sit there looking at the dust swirling above the coffee table. Someone is kicking yellow leaves outside making them rustle. “Are you really mad?” the ghost finally breaks the silence. “Not anymore.” “Good.” The apartment gets quiet again. Only a mild buzz of the refrigerator and a washing machine working upstairs dilutes the stillness. “I didn’t want to drive you over the edge,” Hyunjin continues at last. “I just wanted to tease you for ignoring me.” “I get it, but sometimes you should use your head to know when to stop,” Changbin’s hand gesticulates. “I’ve got my own life that’s not centered around you. A joke is a joke, but you have no right to ruin it cause I’m the one who’s gotta deal with everything.” “I felt so frustrated cause I can’t even push you to get your attention. When you close your eyes and put on the headphones I basically don’t exist. I’m an empty space again and that’s… unpleasant and scary. I’ve got no one else to turn to.” Changbin rubs his neck letting out a long breath. It is hard to deal with someone who does not have a physical form. He did not realize how much it bothers Hyunjin to be sort of dependent on him. The ghost tries to conceal it but he is constantly scared of being left alone again and he is scared of it in any form – especially being ignored. Fear causes aggression as a defensive reaction. He spent the year unnoticed by anyone and that is why he reacts so acutely to any reminder of that. Changbin for his part has always been running away from spirits who could not leave him alone. But come to think of it, he got used to living with someone. Actually, it does not bug him anymore. “We have to set frameworks that we both gotta stick to. I…” Changbin thinks deeply taking a look into himself and choosing the right words. “I don’t mind living with you. Except for these little conflicts, we’re not so different for it to be a problem. Agree?” “Yeah.” “We exist in different dimensions and that’s why we should set everything so that we both feel comfortable. Which means sometimes I have to give in and sometimes you have to give in. But it never should be only one of us to completely stretch for the other one.” “Hold on. You mean, if we put it straight, you don’t want me to leave? And I’m not talking about pitying poor lost soul.” Changbin catches his serious gaze. He remembers the urge to jump on his feet and go search for him in the streets. For sure, Hyunjin is enormously irritating sometimes, but he is definitely not repulsive. He has got that obnoxious charm, not to mention his attractiveness appearance-wise. “No, I don’t. I mean, you can be fun at times. At least it’s not lonely,” Changbin notices a happy smile flashing on his face. “Anyway, let’s discuss what each of us should and shouldn’t do.” They are figuring out what limitations satisfy both of them for almost half an hour. Hyunjin’s main condition is no ignoring. Changbin responds verbally or in writing if he is able to do so. He at least is to show reaction by nods or other gestures. Hyunjin in his turn does not intervene in Changbin’s conversations with other people and does not hover around in front of him in the university. They have to arrange visiting other places together and if Changbin really is tired or sleepy then Hyunjin waits for him to feel better. At the same time, constant rejections are not allowed either. Those moments seem obvious yet they needed a huge argument and an honest conversation to get there.