Scrapbooking

       “Ooh-la-la!! What a veritable riot of tropical splendour! What a cornucopia of forms and hues! What prodigious biodiversity! Why, I could discover ten—nay, fifteen! —new species of orchids within the hour and wipe the smirk off that popinjay from the Royal Geographical Society’s face! Now, what might this yellow specimen be at my feet? Yellow petals striped with black, lateral sepals adorned with crimson spots, and the dorsal sepal appears to have atrophied…” “Beggin’ yer pardon, Monsieur Nibbledim, sir—I ain’t no professor like you, just a simple seaman, but me eyesight’s right enough. That’s a butterfly, sir, not a bloomin’ flower. Look—it’s folded its wings. Flittin’ off, see?” “Good heavens, so it is. How vexing… No matter! Observe this specimen on the branch! What a remarkably elongated rostellum! The dorsal sepal is somewhat narrow, true, but of such a rich teal with metallic lustre, while the labellum appears reduced…” “Monsieur Nibbledim, that’s a blarney bird. A tiny one, bless its feathers. Flappin’ its wings so fast you can’t hardly see ’em. Now, don’t take on so, sir—describe the little bird, they’ll give you a medal for sure.” “Jean, you philistine. I am a professor of botany, not some dilettante lepidopterist. I describe plants—specifically, the Orchidaceae… Oh, look, there in the thicket! This is unquestionably a member of the Orchidaceae! Petals, ventral and dorsal sepals, the column, labellum, pollinia—all present and correct! But the colouration! This is unequivocally a new species!” “Monsieur Nibbledim, watch out! That ain’t no flower! That’s a tattoo of a flower on a native gentleman’s belly! Step behind me, quick-like, before this savage decides professor’s a new item on the menu!” “Let him feast, Jean, but my duty as a man of science comes first! I must ascertain which plant served as the model for his body art. Could you perhaps… interrogate the fellow?” “Blimey, Monsieur Nibbledim, he’s a proper savage! Grass for trousers, a stick up his nose—like a bull, he is—painted head to toe, and he’s clutchin’ a spear, a great stick with hay tied to it…” “What? Where? Ooh! A new orchid species! Slightly wilted, I grant you, but all the key morphological characteristics are present! My good aboriginal sir, might I examine your hunting implement more closely? The specimen you’ve affixed for decorative purposes is of immense interest to European science! If you’d permit me to study it with my magnifying glass—or better yet, donate it to my collection and show me where you acquired—aaa-tschoo! Tchoo! Aaa-tschoo! Where’d he go?!” “That was a right clever move, Monsieur Nibbledim—scarin’ off the savage with sneezin’.” “Nothid cleber about it, Jea—aa-tschoo! Bag that specibed for the colle—tschoo! Quickly! Ohhh, my hay feber always acts up aroubd orchids, curse it! Well… at least we secured one specibed. Bery well, Jeang, we returng to the ship—aa-tschoo! Toborrow we shall stock up on haddkerchieps and resube our research!”