…
“Here! It’s ready!” Sweetie’s joyful voice brought me out of my half-slumber. “You can look now! I’ll call Rarity!” The filly, satisfied with herself, flew out of the room like a bullet. I yawned and rubbed my eyelids, driving away the drowsiness and coming to my senses. I got a little sleepy all of a sudden… Sweetie has obviously been working longer than usual today — in fact, she had promised she was going to try something new and unusual. So, what did she do?.. I got up from the floor, stretching my wings and legs briefly, went to the mirror, and… “A-a…” …Froze, feeling my thoughts are vaporizing from my head in a moment, leaving only emotional interjections in the booming and empty space of the skull. This is… I… This is… From the mirror, an anthracite black alicorn with a purple mane, neatly brushed, hair is gathered in several strands with hairpins… topped with a huge white bow, was looking at me, blushing her face and her mouth opened! With spangles!!! “Sweetie, goddammit…” I mumbled in a low voice, literally feeling the jamming gears in my head creak and rattle. She made out of me… This?! Cute and defenseless Nightmare in the mirror flapped with her eyelids with pity and a loss. How the?!.. I’m!.. I scrambled confusedly with my front leg over my mane, trying to fumble for a bow to quickly get rid of this!.. Of this! “Well, Nighty, come on, rise and shi…ne.” Rarity walked in, freezing on the threshold with her foot raised to step. “It’s beautiful, isn’t?” Sweetie slipped into the room, bypassing her sister. “Ph-h-h-h!.. Hee…” Someone chocked. I turned sharply, just in time to see Spike slipping out into the hallway, his hands over his mouth. Sweetie, for fuck’s sake. “It’s…” The older unicorn returned to reality. “Very unusual and lovely, I admit… But, Sweetie, dear, I’m afraid our Nightmare wouldn’t like such an ornament…” You’re just unusually perceptive, my friend! Damn, it’s an embarrassment to all of Ponyville! I agitated Spike to my own harm — you see, I didn’t want to tackle with his suspicion… I stopped to rush in an attempt to get rid of the bow. It doesn’t matter anyway, does it? It’s too late for it. Fu-u-ucki-ing shi-it!.. “Really? You don’t like it?..” Sweetie lifted her darkened stare at me. I shook my head briefly, barely able to keep my mouth shut. Topped with a big, pretty white bow. A-a, man… “Oh, what a shame…” The filly drooped. “I thought you would like it too… It goes so well with your fur — it’s almost like the Moon on the night sky! And with it, you are so… well… a kind, good pony, not a villain from a fairy tale, that no one loves… What a shame… I’m sorry I failed…” I stared blankly at the younger unicorn, standing there like a tree, not knowing what the hell to do. Scold? Threaten? Tear my mane? What?.. “Don’t worry about it, Sweetie.” Rarity kissed the top of her head. She smiled shyly and rubbed at her side in return. “Would you put on the kettle for all of us?” “Of course!” The clearly cheered up filly nodded with enthusiasm. “Ehm… Sorry, that it’s so bad! I’ll do better next time, I promise!” “I don’t need any next time.” I grumbled gloomily into the closing door behind Sweetie’s back. “Don’t be mad at my sister, dear.” The designer smiled. “I bet you haven’t forbidden her to make something like that, have you? I’ve learned by now that you’re kind of like Dash, who doesn’t like that kind of stuff, either… And by the way… you really do look good. You are so delightfully cute with it…” This… snake winked at me! I stared in the mirror against my will. Yes, you can’t argue with that… And the eyes are so huge because of the bangs pulled back… And what that bow would look like on me in that drawing of mine! Fu-uck!.. The picture before my eyes instantly made my cheeks flush crimson, my heart beat faster, and a warm sourness began to warm in the lower part of my stomach. I swallowed a lump in my throat, turned away, and began frantically groping for the bow in my mane. “Nighty, don’t worry so much, please. Let me help you!” Rarity carefully slowed me down with telekinesis. I nodded nervously as I took a few quick breaths and swallowed my stringy saliva, allowing the unicorn to begin carefully and unhurriedly sorting out the hair. Phe-ew, damn… It was a very… Good thought, abyss damn me… “That’s all. And it wasn’t necessary, dear. You really looked very pretty and unusual with it.” Rar showed me the bow she has taken off. Twisted it in front of her eyes, put it to her head and looked in the mirror, shook her head disappointedly, and put it aside. It goes too bright in color with her fur, it’s getting lost — it really didn’t suit her. But when put on me!.. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the absolutely useless thought. “You know… I think I must apologize to you.” Hesitating, Rarity broke the silence shyly. “For what?” “For… For the yesterday’s thing.” The mare drooped, blushing with her cheeks a bit. “I… I shouldn’t have been so careless about… Snatching your thing and…” She finally lost it. “Forget it.” I sighed gloomily. Yeah… But I think the talk about it would have emerged in any case, sooner or later. “Thanks, Nighty. I’ll try to be more delicate in the future.” The unicorn eased a bit. “And… Is this your drawing?” She looked aside confusedly once again. No, it appeared by it-damn-self! Why are you asking? “Mine.” I squeezed out a confession, feeling my cheeks warm and my gaze slip to the side. Damn it! “I didn’t look closely, of course, but… you’re… very talented.” Rar said, making me want to fall through the floor. And I don’t know which one of us should do it — I or she… Damn it, how to treat and understand that? “Nightmare, you’ve done a great job of drawing yourself as a hot, lustful slut, well done!”? And then what, should I just say “thanks”?.. Or… “Sorry. I guess I’m poking my nose into your affairs.” Rar mumbled, ending my stupor. “I just wanted to focus your attention on… well… great performance… I mean, you could be, like, a painter and draw… Remember when you said you have nothing to do? I… I was talking in that sense.” “I’ll think about it.” I grumbled, not knowing how to get away from… All of this. An embarrassed silence fell across the room for a long minute. The mare and I were stubbornly avoiding each other’s gazes, and neither of us seemed to know what to say next. My cheeks continued to burn, much to my indignation. I haven’t felt so fucking stupid in a long time, damn it… “Hey…” I started to speak just to make something with that silence. “Well… I’m not sure about your idea with the drawings…” I was tensely silent under Rarity’s questioning and seemingly confused gaze, trying to formulate a thought and reflexively whipped my own hips with my tail. A-a, fu-uck! Get a grip, damn it! Generally… Get yourself together!!! “I’m afraid I don’t control myself during the process. You must have been racking your brains trying to figure out why I would draw something like that.” I grinned nervously. “And I’ll surprise you — I wasn’t even going to! Like last time, by the way…” The unicorn flinched visibly. Yeah, I felt bad about that drawing, too… Tia had left it to me, and I’d left it at Canterlot. I should have burnt it, but I couldn’t do it for some reason, nor could I carry a simple piece of paper, which had absorbed the pain and horror of centuries, along with particles of the pencil lead… I left it on the table and went away, hoping I’d never see it again. Maybe there would be someone to burn it… “And now this.” I looked eloquently towards the workshop, where all my few possessions were stored for the time being. “I just thought… Not about what I have should — and here it is. I didn’t even notice how half an hour flew by, and in the notebook appeared… This stupid masterpiece!” Sighing, I looked away blushing, not knowing what to say. “Nightmare, did you… Did you love Luna?”…
Kh-h… A-a… What?.. What?!.. I’m!.. What the?!.. A-a… “Oh! Nightmare, I’m so sorry! I!.. I shouldn’t have reminded you… All this!.. Sorry!” Standing up, Rarity hugged me and pressed her legs tightly around my neck, giving me a delicate scent of perfume and violets. “W… Why did you think so?..” I asked in a hushed voice after a few seconds, getting over with the stupor. Again these ponies sent me into the “blue screen”… But how, God damn it? Where did she even come up with that conclusion? I and Luna?! I mean, Nightmare with Luna… I mean!.. A-a, shit… “Well…” The visibly distraught, wet-eyed unicorn reluctantly broke from my neck. “Y-you’ve always reacted to all the romance and all the references to possible relationships with you in such a way… Almost with hatred!.. I just thought you were like Rainbow! You know, in that field!.. And now I realized, that you probably wanted to love and be loved, just like any mare, but you were once really, really hurt… Oh, I’m so sorry!..” The unicorn dug into my neck and sobbed softly. “A-are you alright?..” Embracing her in answer reflexively, I mumbled with a loss, frantically trying to to figure out what’s going on and what I should do about it. Damn, she really seems to think, that Luna and I had… But I did tell her what it was like! Not in detail, of course, cursorily I’d say… So she filled in the blanks for the part I hadn’t told her. What wouldn’t Nightmare Moon say? About her intimate relations, of course, which she didn’t want to talk about in any conversation! Damn… Rarity… I sighed as I continued to gently stroke the occasionally shuddering snow-white back under my hoof. What a silly horse you’re… You’ve chosen me to shed tears over… Because of the heartbreak of her friend, who now pushes everyone away from her and will never love again?.. Pfft, what a nonsense, I snorted skeptically. There was no such a thing! But how could Rar know that? I couldn’t help but sigh again. Should I tell her everything? Everything at all? Why? To dump on her that her… friend wasn’t who she thought she was, and, as a result… I don’t know. A fight? No, I don’t think so… But I’m sure Ice Cream will try to console me about my family somehow… Don’t think about it, for fuck’s sake. It only gets worse… No. She should not know. No one should. Even if they understood, then… Just why? No. No one knows — and let it be like that. And as for Luna — is Rar so wrong, since she once meant so much to me? I would have gone into the fire for her, and she just had thrown me out! Thrown out Nightmare! Me!.. A-a… There’s no difference already, God damn it… I gripped the unicorn tighter. It’s interesting… Nightmare — not me, the original one — would she has forgiven Luna?.. Maybe she had in fact even then, on the Moon?.. Phe-ew… Some gibberish is in my head, damn it… “Nighty, let me go! You’ll choke me!” Rar, which was stroked by me, started to move down there. “Ops… Sorry.” I took my foot away, letting the disheveled, but slightly calmer unicorn with red eyes back up a few steps. “It’s me who must be sorry.” She hid her eyes. “I shouldn’t have…” “Don’t make things up, would you? Don’t apologize… How are you, Rar?” I interrupted the mare as softly as possible. “Awful!” She sighed depressingly. “Because… Oh… I absolutely can’t think of how to help you!” “You’ve been doing more for me since I got back than anyone else.” I muttered, hiding my gaze for some reason. “That’s… Well…” I wanted to hug the unicorn again, but resisted: I don’t want to burst into tears… “Oh, but what about?..” “Don’t think about it! I’ll manage somehow. And yes, about Luna, you’re… not that entirely wrong, but there was no romance at all. “Loved,” heh… Blind adoration from me, cynical calculation from her, that’s all.” I pressed my hoof into the floor with feeling, as if to put an end to it. That’s all. “And all these relationships… Well… It’s just not my thing, I guess.” I tried to answer at my friend’s cry. It sounded, to my quiet indignation, rather unconvincingly. “Thanks for trying to calm me down, Nighty.” Rar smiled faintly. “But still… Don’t lock your kind heart away from everypony and from… From love. Please. For it will never heal that way! And I… I will always help you — even if only with an advice or a kind word.” Rar… Damn, you… Fuck… Is that what you want… I’m… I stared at the ceiling. It’s a nice finishing. And the chandelier is pretty, just like the room — we’re hanging out at Sweetie’s one… I wonder if those crystals in this thing can glow pink? “And after all.” Rarity stood up and broke the silence in a much more cheerful voice. “You’ll finally stop scaring me! You don’t like dresses, you avoid stallions… you even go to the spa rarely and with persuasions, although you assured me after the first time that you liked it! I’ll tell you a secret, dear: some kind of wrong mare you are!” With a wink, the unicorn smiled mischievously. If only you, friend, knew how much right you are… I couldn’t hold myself from a wry chuckle as well. “I’m sorry if… I just wanted to cheer you up a little.” Rar looked more seriously as she wiped the smile off her face. “Don’t…” “Rarity!!! There!.. In the… Oh… Kitchen!..” Cutting me mid-word, panting Spike literally burst into the room. Sweetie. Kettle. Oh, fu!..…
“Oh!” “Patience, honey!” I shut off the water and watched with melancholy as the whirlpool in the sink tried desperately to drag the heavy, wet towel down with it. The edge of the cloth responded by fluttering reluctantly a couple of times in the stream of water, before it disappeared with a resentful murmur into the pipe alone, unable to draw company with it. As I pulled the wet, burnt rag from the sink, I squeezed it in the vise of magic, squeezing water out of the miserably crackling cloth. “Rarity, I’m!.. I didn’t…” “Oh, don’t be so upset, Sweetie, I don’t blame you!” “But I!..” I shook the wrung out towel, unfolded it in front of me. What a beauty… Once bright and decorated with flowers, it was now smoky, blackened in places, and mottled with burnt holes: many small ones, and one big one that had eaten an entire corner. I shook my head and hung up the wretched towel at its place: let Rar figure out where to put it now… “Nightmare, let me in.” I was poked in my leg with a paw. I glanced at the somewhat depressed, tired dragon with a sooty black washcloth in one paw and a stool just taken back in the other, and stepped away from the sink in silence, letting him climb up on his stool and shove the washcloth under the stream of water. “This is… Gosh…” Spike sighed in the same melancholic manner as I did a minute ago, looking at the black water, dripping from the black washcloth and black paws. And he just touched me with them, by the way… Brat. “It’s not “gosh” — it will come when you have to clean off the kettle.” I “cheered up” the kid, chuckling. “If only I knew!..” He sighed complainingly. You did not, but you still was the first one to rush at the barricades: “I’ll do everything, I’ll help with anything!” Why would I, a weak woman, stand in the way of such a brave knight? Nah, I wouldn’t… I chuckled again under the dragon’s dissatisfied stare. You shouldn’t have laughed at the bow, lizard… Of course, I wasn’t just standing by: let’s say, the fire had to be put out mostly by me, the burning towel, too… How the hell did it even catch fire from a magical heating element?! It’s not like it’s a gas stove or anything! But somehow Sweetie was able to do it… The fire was frightening at first, I must admit. And it seems, that by some reflex, even to my own surprise, I created a magical shield, that covered the flame and choked it out. I, of course, was interested in this topic, I had read something, but not like this… However, I did not see the burning rag thrown aside and had to put it out in the sink, where, after thinking about it, I tried to wash it for some reason. I didn’t succeed, but at least I calmed my nerves a little. Rar, unlike me and the “knight,” did not seem to pay any attention to the devastation, rushing to her sister, and now she was still comforting her and treating her wounds. I think there’s nothing serious. I looked at the pair of the unicorns. “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose! I don’t know how it happened!” The younger sister started a new circle with still wet eyes, despite her older sister’s best efforts. “I j-just got upset and… didn’t see it and…” “And this is why you decided to burn everything to cheer yourself up.” I swallowed the joke, biting the tongue just in time. They wouldn’t get it… Seeing enough of the Sweetie’s grieve, I went to the refrigerator, and retrieved the frost-covered bucket from its depths. It helps the older sister, so why it wouldn’t do the same with the junior one?.. I torn off the lid with a crunch and, sitting on the floor, put the ice cream in front of the crying face. In response to the astonished look of pale green eyes I held out a spoon. Sweetie, after a moment, thanked silently, and, taking the spoon in her teeth, scooped out of the bucket. Rarity and I couldn’t hold ourselves from a synchronous laugh, causing the shy unicorn to blush. However, Rarity started to calm her down immediately. Yeah, nerves, you cannot do anything about them… I’d say you — ponies have a proverb for that: “Holds a spoon with the head” — the head is empty as a drum — that’s the meaning… “Sorry. And… Thank you all for… This…” A little calmed down by the ice cream, the embarrassed filly put the bucket aside. “Oh, don’t mention it, sister.” Warmly smiling Rar stroke her mane. “We’re happy that you’re alright and everything is fine.” “I really don’t know how it happened.” Sweetie sighed, smiling to the care fleetingly. “Well, I got a little bit worried, mused, and then… I don’t remember. I got thoughtful for just a little, but… But everything is already burning. There it is.” “Worried? What happened, sweet?” “Well…” The really sweet unicorn poked the floor with her hoof shyly. “I was just trying so hard! Well, with the hair… I thought it would be better, that they would be less afraid of Nightmare, that they would start to speak to her… It would be better, right?” She looked up at me with her hopeful green huge eyes. “It would, Sweetie.” Rar nodded affirmatively, piercing me with her gaze. What? I’m silent… “But our Nightmare… Isn’t ready for… This radical changes of look yet. However, I’m sure that will change someday.” The milliner concluded, giving me a sympathetic look. “Yeah…” The junior unicorn sighed. “She won’t let me do her hair now, though…” The unicorns looked at each other and stared at me in silence. “It’s okay… You can.” I mumbled, not quite sure what to say, really. “Just without… Such experiments, okay?” “Really?” The little filly smiled and suddenly hugged me by the neck when she stood up. “Big thanks!” “Oh, you’re welcome…” I was finally embarrassed. What the hell is this?… A-a, damn… Yeah, “Soldier”… Well, in my case — “Nightmare wouldn’t hurt a child”, yeah?.. Fucking hell, what I just sighed for……
“Magic is a fairy tale!” They say, “Magic is a miracle!” They say…” I waved away with my front leg away in frustration and, sighing, collapsed onto the ground, pressing my nape against the cool grass and squinting my eyes into the bright sky. Oh, damn… I could not repeat the shield, that I had created today on some unknown reflexes at the sight of an open flame in a mostly wooden building. And it did not give me any peace: it was a very useful skill! I even tried to look into the subject myself, I remember, but I was not successful then. Now the success was clear, but how did I get there?.. Honestly, I would have given up and tried my hand at making some figures out of stone — Nightmare was the best person in that — but doing so without the shields here would have been extremely inconsiderate. The red-hot stone shrapnel takes your eyes out at once, and they take at least a couple of days to grow back — and that’s on the Moon… I shuddered. And then shuddered again, remembering the range of emotions blinded Nightmare had once experienced the first time it had happened to her… I shook my head, trying to shake my thoughts away, swearing as I felt the tip of my horn scraped the ground. Damn it! I pushed back irritably with my wing, flipping myself onto my stomach, and jumped up and headed for the lake. Honestly, after all the things I’ve seen about Nightmare on the Moon, I’m in absolute surprise — why her body can still feel pain and part of her mind can still feel fear. All the most painful things have already been felt, and all the most frightening things have been experienced… What can impress me after that? And still, sometimes, for some reason, it’s scary, and if they hit me, it hurts… “Impress me”?.. Yeah… Maybe it’s me now. I don’t know. I stared thoughtfully at my reflection, stopping at the water’s edge. Is this me or not? Stupid question? There’s no one around except me. I. But who is this male — or female?.. — “I”? How long have I experienced the discomfort of walking with the support of my front limbs? The couple of wings? The lack of arms? No, sometimes I’m sad about the lack of arms, especially during that epic with the limiter on the horn… But still? I live and there’s none of them — okay, I’m fine with it… “Nightmare Moon.” As if I were trying to feel the sounds, I said with an effort as I listened to the sound of the Equestrian language. I talk in it and don’t even notice. And I think more and more in it… I plucked a small bundle of grass and, soaking it in water, began to scrub my horn, trying not to be knocked off by the almost unpleasantly sensitive touch on it. How much of who’s in me already? “Am I Nightmare Moon, who is dreaming she’s a human guy, or a human guy, who is dreaming he’s Nightmare Moon?” I said thoughtfully into space as I finished with the horn and tossed the improvised washcloth into the reeds. I somehow imagined my current personality in the form of a stained-glass window. When two solid panes of glass were broken, and then a large shard from one was surrounded by a bunch of smaller ones, mostly from the other. But was I right? Was the alicorn, abandoned on the Moon, so mind-dead, if I am beginning to have such questions?.. “Heck with it.” I slammed my reflection with a hoof, turning it into a murky, dark silhouette against the blue sky, sprawling with the circles in the water. Not the first or the second already. Huh, here it is… The fruit of the human-pony alliance… A peculiar one… Chuckling, I moved away from the lake. Not a bad analogy, m?..…
“Oh, hello there! Horse apples…” Suddenly “said hello” to me from the cloud, to the edge of which I have just flown up in search of… I don’t know what. Even more privacy than at the lake? Not even a sound from outside… And now it’s occupied… And occupied by this damned person!.. “Came to gloat, didn’t you?” Dash asked darkly, greeting me with a frown… which she hurried to get away as I stared back at her. Now… What’s now? Flying away? Talking? However, talking about what? She doesn’t go after me — or from me — but lays sadly on a cloud, all her appearance expressing longing and not seeming to be in the mood for conflict? Hm… Did she have enough of war? “What are you staring at, scarecrow? Or you don’t answer to mere mortals if they are not in thrall to you and don’t admire you?” The pegasus chuckled provocatively. She picks fights. “Got carried away by the sight of it. “It’s just the first time I see a pony that digs her own grave with such impressive persistence.” I paused for a few more seconds and “condescended” to answer. “We’ll see who digs it!” Rainbow shouted. “You fly even worse than a cow! I’ll scatter that cloud, and you’ll be in the ground until tonight!” “I do, but it’s still better than Scootaloo, which you’ve been teaching!” The painted one’s words, suddenly, touched me. If you had been marinated on the Moon for my time, I would have been looking at your flying with interest Scumbag… “Don’t you touch her, do you hear me?!” The pegasus rose. “I!…” “You just tossed her away!” I nailed Dash, shutting her mouth with my telekinesis mid-word. “Loyalty”! Aren’t you too low for your Element, painted dummy?” “What is that to you?” She answered dully, suddenly deflated, and, turning away, settled back down on the cloud. “Scoot is my friend.” “Yeah, of course.” Rainbow chuckled with sorrow. “And Rarity is a friend, and Pinkie is a friend, and Princes Celestia is a friend… And all of them at once, for some reason, do not care, that you are an ancient villain, who dreams of taking away the Sun and taking over Equestria! Interesting, why? Maybe because you got into their heads and lied to beat the band? And soon all of Ponyville will be dancing at your behest! H-hay… It’s okay, I’ll bring you to light!” Poor idiot… “This is why Scootaloo says every meeting how great Rainbow Dash is and how she’ll make peace with her soon… Stop looking for the black cat in the dark room, which isn’t there.” “Make peace”, huh?” Another grin from the daring mare was more like a sob. “She told me straight out today, that she doesn’t want to see me anymore!” “You should hit the other ponies by the lightning more often in front of everyone. Maybe you’d get the idea why it happened…” I muttered to myself, getting tired of standing and laying aside as well. Dash followed me out of the corner of her eye and snorted grimly, then stood up and jumped off the cloud, quickly turning into a dot. Nice talk. By the way, I haven’t seen Scoot recently as well… Well, heck with the melancholy? Should I look for the kid?.. I’ll just have to go to Fluttershy for dressing first, and then I can give it a shot… Yes, you know, I flew to a cloud to think in silence and solitude… However… Thinking about who I am now — is there much sense in it, really? I have not dissolved into the terror of loneliness on the Moon, nor have I perished in the flames on Earth, as I should have. I’m here and I’m alive. Kind of a big deal, right?