The Unwanted One

The Sun was shining, reflecting on the spires of the towers and the decorations of the passenger airship, floating leisurely and majestically passing by. Ponies were rejoicing at the new day, nature was blooming and singing… I turned my gaze away and stared at my feet, grinning. All this joy outside the window was only more irritating in the background of those feelings and thoughts, that were now circling in my head and did not give me peace. It’s not an often situation, when I feel like such an outright selfish bastard and a total jerk, and I can’t even find an argument against it… I betrayed Tia. So boldly, spitting on everything she has done for me — for a suspicious and very likely hostile fucker, who didn’t even wander in the street, but came straight out of a maximum security prison, as a matter of fact! Betrayed even without a reason, following some ideas, suspicions and interests — and I understood it only now, what a schizo! Fucking God damn it… It’s Celestia, who called me a friend. I think this is the kindest creature I’ve met in all my lifes, which treats friendship very seriously in her life! And I rejected it demonstratively, as I remember, trying either to play dumb and “do not understand” or to translate it into a joke — somehow I felt that with Luna it would not end well, and did not want to make any commitments. Like, since I did not call you a friend, then I can not betray your trust, I promised nothing, blah blah blah, it’s nothing to do with me! Fucking dialectic bullshit! Double-hearted fucker! Blamed Luna for so much: Luna is a traitor, Luna this, Luna that, Luna plans, I’m not Luna, I’ll not fall to her level!.. And what’s the result? Created some stupid things, like she did — and was frightened by the result. Tried to get rid of the threat, like she did — and would have succeeded, if she had shown even a hint of aggression, if she had shown herself as the creature I’ve seen her! “I’m better”, yes, cretin?… Spit on everything Tia has done for me, on her trust, kindness — and went on killing her sister, not even questioning its rightness! Yes, I didn’t! But I can cross my heart and hope to die — the sunny horse night regretted her choice to not kill me during our first meeting at the spot during this night a thousand times. And I, too, no matter how much I fought back, trying not to trust her, still saw her as… if not as a friend, then as a good acquaintance, at least! She was the one who brought me out of my melancholy, who healed my wounds, who gave me my first lessons in magic and flying in the world, who lifted my spirits… And I have safely ruined it all, betrayed her — betrayed — that’s the word — her trust and kindness, in the Luna’s style, pursuing revenge. I also fucked up with the revenge… Maybe it’s a fortunate turn of events… Only Abyss knows now. But in any case, Celestia’s friendship and trust to me is over. And the ring of magic blocking on my horn is the brightest proof of that. The fact that I am not in a cage, but in the familiar guest quarters is just a tribute to my moderately-fucked physical condition. I sighed gloomily, shutting eyes for a few seconds, feeling the growing anger at myself, that borders with disgust. Sighed again, trying to calm down. Looked at the clock. Almost 8 in the evening… It’s been three hours since my awakening, yeah? And since then I’ve been wondering in thoughts… Yeah… If you want at least some thoughts to appear in this empty stupid head you have to be unconscious for more than half a day, I guess… My thigh was dull and nasty, my leg, part of my side, and my croup felt like it was through a thick layer of absorbent cotton and it was nasty cold, but I guess the poison of that damn mutant wasn’t enough for an alicorn after all. However, I still passed out in the end, and if I had passed out in the woods, this fucker could have cooked me without someone bothering him. Good thing I got out in time. “Good”, yeah… As for my head… For the first time in, like, a week, I felt a little rested, and I don’t know why. Otherwise, my head wasn’t bringing me joy: it ached, buzzed and slightly dizzy, “pleasing” with occasional bouts of nausea and a nasty iron taste on the tongue. On top of that, I don’t have a helmet to wear on it anymore, and it wasn’t much use for anything else… I grinned wistfully. That’s how it happened… Regular nightmares, horrible memories, plus some suspicions, that seemed quite reasonable at the time — and that’s it. Yes, I didn’t know everything, and I drew conclusions from scrappy and often subjective information, but… Why the hell would I, for example, go psycho on Rarity like that over nothing? I started the quarrel myself and went full rage, barely holding myself from killing her under emotions, what was her name?.. Gilda. Of course I could kick her — she wasn’t allowed to swing with her paws — but damn it… If Fluttershy hadn’t stopped me, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have done something irreparable. And then Pinkie popped in and finished me with a spit in the soul, fucking!.. I hit the window sill with my hoof in anger, leaving a network of cracks in the varnish, that covered it. Leg started to whine with pain. A-a, damn it… That’s all. From there on, there were no brakes left at all, judging by the fact, that I was seriously thinking about going and either killing Luna or getting killed against Luna. “Thinking”, heh… Was thinking and, most importantly, went to it! And came to an unbelievable, fairy-tale like success, fucking shit! I was so close to being as my beloved Luna. And now, maybe I’m even better than her — I just haven’t understood it yet in my unique manner, because it reaches me like a giraffe… “Well done.” I summed up bitterly under my breath, sitting down onto a carpet. Thought recently, that “there’s nothing left to lose”, yeah? Now it’s really nothing left. And no one. Sighing heavily again, I put my muzzle onto the broken window sill and stared blankly into the distance. It was never so bad and lonely in my soul. … The door slammed softly behind me, making me flinch. I didn’t even hear anyone come in, damn… But there was no such thing as “someone” — only one pony could have come in here right now. “Hello, Princess.” Lifting my head from the window sill for a moment, I greeted her. The time outside the window stuck as if was frozen: the Sun was shining at the same place, the shadows were still at the same places… I never got used to it. And now I probably wouldn’t have to anymore. The pony behind me hesitated, sighed softly, and, treading almost inaudibly on the carpet, came closer, stopping to the left behind me. The pause was growing longer. I don’t know what Celestia was thinking, but I just stared blankly out the window. What am I supposed to talk to her about? About the shit I did? About the shit I did. Abyss, I never knew how to apologize. And how one can even apologize for this?.. “Sorry.” I finally broke the tense silence by forcedly gathering my thoughts and looking away from the window sill. “Sorry, that… That I haven’t seen another solution.” Tia sighed again, not answering. “I…I was really thinking, that Luna is going to kill me. Well, you know, don’t leave the business if it’s not done and stuff.” I chuckled nervously. “And these nightmares every night… Who could have sent this high-class present if not she? You know, I… How would I put this?.. Luna betrayed you, then me… And I thought, that I’m better than her for sure, that I wouldn’t do that!.. And now I’m sitting here and understand, that, in fact, looking at Luna was the same as looking in a mirror. I’m not better in any damned way. And you called me a friend for once.” I sighed, not knowing what to say. And what can you say?.. “Don’t think you’re the guilty, Nightmare.” Celestia finally stopped to parody a wordless monument. Exhaustion and nervousness were clear in the Princess’ voice. “I promised to help you once as well if you’re in need — and I didn’t keep my word. If only Twilight sent that letter a day earlier… But alas. And I had no right to not carry the ruler’s duty… And that’s how it turned out.” “And what now?” I chuckled sadly. “I… It’s complicated.” Princess sighed, coming closer and lowering herself onto the carpet next to me. I looked at the alicorn with one eye. Wow… Never thought, that her closet has a set of armor. It isn’t any more functional than mine… was. “What’s the matter? Butcher is on a vacation?” I chuckled nervously. Tia cringed, but didn’t answer. We were wordless. “I almost killed you, Nightmare.” After endless seconds, Celestia turned to me. It was only now that I saw how much she had suffered. The pink eyes seemed to have gone out, and there was nothing but endless fatigue, both physical and, I suppose, even more so, moral. Capillaries cracked, eyes were shadowy, and the helmet, that hid her brows, was made of fiery red — almost red — metal additionally made the look even more frowning and heavy. “I don’t know how Cadence could see Luna in the darkness and at such a distance.” Tia shook her head as she turned away before I could open my mouth. “And she doesn’t know as well. She says she felt rather than saw… But if it hadn’t been for her cry of “Luna! Over there!”, I would… I wouldn’t have stopped myself.” Alicorn sighed, staring at the floor. A silence in the room boiled down again. I don’t think something could have stopped me in the same situation… Something more, Celestia? Why are you still tinkering with me — it’s not just because Luna survived the night, is it?… “Tell me: what and why do you draw?” Princess’ voice returned me to reality. I looked at her unknowingly. “Sorry for touching your things without permission…” Suddenly, she darkened for a second. “Here. I found her… it in your bags.” The same drawing was put before me as I drew in Rarity’s house, which I didn’t tear for some reason, grabbing with me reflexively — and successfully forgot about it. “It… literally reeks of despair… Creepy.” Tia looked at my somewhat self-portrait for a few moments, and then looked away. “I drew a lot of things on the Moon, trying to cheer myself up.” I stated dully. Celestia made a clear twitch. “Well, by that I wouldn’t go completely off the rails. It even helped for some time, until the mind began to spread like wet paper. By that time, my creativity had become such that I’m afraid to even remember it… But sometimes, if I think deeply, it breaks through on paper, like this.” I nodded at the drawing. “The death of the mind…” Tia whispered, looking back at the drawing, shivering chilly, and hastened to look away. Fitting name. I should write it on the back. And the artist’s name in the corner as well. “I didn’t want that to happen!” Princess dropped, looking at the floor. “I promise not to send you or anyone else to the Moon again. But the Elements… If they really have a will — why they did so?..” Alicorn asked bitterly, staring out the window. “They had sent two of us there.” Cringing with disgust, I refreshed the memory. “It’s not their fault, that I was the only one who got a punishment.” “And you met my poor sister to recover this debt…” Tia murmured with a deep sadness “But she’s still alive… Now… You forgave her?” “I didn’t.” I spit out such a short, but such a heavy word at the same time with force. A hope just started to appear in the last Princess’ words… And I crushed it. “I… No. This is not forgivable.” I wanted to say something, that would bring this hope back to her!.. But I don’t have such words. “But she’s still alive.” Celestia repeated with bitter thoughtfulness and, rising to feet, suddenly emphasized a short bow. “Thank you that in spite of everything, you found strength to spare her life. I’m… I’m very sorry, that you had to live through this, Nightmare.” Snowy alicorn sighed, shutting her eyes with exhaustion. “Found strength”, yeah? Hah… “But you must understand, that I cannot sweep this under the rug, even though my poor sister is still alive.” Princess’ voice became harsh. “Alas, but you have to pay for what you’ve done.” Standing up, I turned to her. Golden armor with a Sun on the breastplate, helmet, that resembles a crown, tired gaze, that tries to be harsh… Do what you think has to be done, Princess. “Lived without fear — died without fear”… Huh?… Behind Celestia, through the doorstep, suddenly for both of us, Luna stepped into the room through the already opened door. Pale, with a tangled, unkempt mane, swaying with weakness, with bags under her eyes… and a fierce flame, dancing in those eyes. In the corridor, behind the obviously angry blue one, my eyes caught a few of the thestral-sentinels, driving away both Celestia’s fighters and a couple of disheveled ponies in medical gowns, seemingly trying unsuccessfully to catch up with the younger Princess and apparently telling her how she was supposed to keep her bed rest, that getting up is a bad thing and so on… “Luna?…” Turning towards the sudden noise, coming from the corridor, that was no longer separated by the door, Tia said to her sister in confusion. The blue alicorn, seemingly unresponsive, silently stepped into the room and slammed the door, cutting off the angry voices of the guardsmen and the nervous ones of the doctors, and, with an angry glare, opened her mouth… only to find herself in the legs of Celestia, who rushed to her. “I was so worried.” She gasped faintly. “How are you, dear? Is everything fine?..” I looked away for a few seconds, feeling completely out of place, when I suddenly realized that the Princess’s voice was trembling with barely held back tears. Damn. The blue one, judging by the doctors, just became conscious… Tia, until this moment, maybe didn’t know what’s going on with her! “No, it’s not!” Luna suddenly scowled, almost violently wriggling out of her sister’s embrace. “Because the first thing I heard barely opening the door was “you have to pay”!” “L-luna?..” The older Princess looked helplessly at her angry sister, who has broken away and retreated a few steps. “Have you read my messages, sister?” She stared at Tia demandingly, pressing her bandaged leg against painfully. “Answer Us!” The confused and clearly incomprehensible older Alicorn nodded uncertainly. “We must understand this as the fact, that you have read them, but didn’t think it necessary to heed Our words?” I think Luna became even more annoyed. Damn, what the hell is going on with her?.. “Luna, what?..” The Princess of the Sun, completely confused, tried to object. “We asked you to accept any Nightmare Moon’s choice!!!” The younger alicorn barked. “And not to hold her responsible for it! Or Our words are hollow for you, Your Highness?” Tia twitches as if she was slapped in the face. Yeah, she clearly strays away from the Queen title. I think, that the sunny horse’s past wasn’t sunny at all. “No, they are not.” She answered, closing eyes for a moment. “But…” “Yes, they are not?” Turning away from sister sharply, Luna came closer to me. “Then what is this?!” She turned to straightened up Celestia, pointing at the ring on my horn with her wing at the same time. Rage went loose in the younger Princess’ voice. This is a jewel. The “Fuck that” order with a twist on the back. “Luna, she was looking for your death! And I…” “And had every right to do so!!!” Princess of the Night cut her off. The blocker clicked, enveloped in the blue magic of Luna, and the opened ring fell onto the carpet, where the younger alicorn’s hoof immediately collapsed onto it, turning the artifact into a pair of individual shattered pieces with a short, subtle snap. This is how it goes, huh?.. “She had not.” I shivered. Celestia said it without raising her tone, but it was like a wave of heat. I suddenly wanted to be somewhere far away from here… “Luna, I thought I’ve lost you! Couldn’t save my only pony that I loved! I… No! No one dares to take you away from me!” The last one sounded like a clear threat. With a clear address. Damn, and why I’m still alive?.. “Y-you…” Her voice trembled treacherously. “You know why I did it. I won’t… try again.” I nervously swallowed a “maybe”, that almost flew out of my mouth. “What’s the point… And… I’ve realized something, too, you know.” “I don’t know, but I hope.” Celestia nodded gloomily. “And I’m really sorry, that such a scary challenge befell you, but…” “Befell”!” Interrupting sister, Luna mimicked her nastily. “Tia, I became the executioner and the incubus for my… For Nightmare Moon! And she had every right to avenge if she wanted so! And it is not for you to decide what We must do to remove Our infinite guilt!” Yeah, I’ll of course trust you, that you care about me, the blue one. If Tia hadn’t kicked you in the leg for neglecting you, like in the “bad old days,” you wouldn’t have even cared, would you? “Luna!..” “Nightmare Moon!” Luna declared, demonstratively not paying attention to her sister. “In the name of Ours, the reigning Princess, the Diarch of the State of Equestria, We, Luna of Equestria, absolve you of all current charges and declare you without sin before Us! So be it!” One couldn’t name the silence in the air after Luna’s word other than deafening. “It… was a hasty and impulsive decision, sister.” With clear frustration in her voice, Tia said flatly, gathering her thoughts. “And as much as I myself wish Nightmare well, leaving such deeds unpunished will only increase their likelihood in the future.” Luna, scowling at sister, was silenced. “Nightmare.” Tia turned to me now, trying to look at me impartially. “It’s hard for me to judge you for your decision, especially since I may have been partly responsible for it. “But…” She pondered the wording. “But you can’t trust me anymore.” I hinted, nodding thoughtfully. “What’s next?” Can’t anymore… My own words jabbed my heart painfully. Damn it… When did she start to mean something to me? How?.. “I could teach you to dream walk… Try to.” Luna said shyly. “No!” Celestia cut her off sharply, but immediately tried to soften, earning a wrathful gaze from sister: “I mean I’m not against teaching, but… I worry about you, Lu. What if Nightmare would not able to hold her fury and soreness?” Yeah, that’s easy… Blue’s actions and words certainly deserve some respect, but it’s certainly not something that’s going to make me forget that Moon hell! “Tia…” Nodding, she said. “You don’t understand! Even I don’t understand the extent of my guilt before her!” The junior Princess looked towards me for a second. “It is my duty to help her now. My duty to the one I abandoned, when she needed me most!” You was needed then, the blue one. Then, not now. Luna went wordless, clearly overcoming tears. Tia, giving me a gloomy stare, drooped her head thoughtfully. “Sorry, Lu.” She lifted her eyes after a dozen of long seconds. “But I can’t do that.” “We can decide for Ourselves what we should do!” Luna insisted immediately. “Of course.” Celestia leaned her head with a sigh for a moment. “But I beg you, listen to me, please. Don’t make my heart clench in fear for your life every day, every moment! I’m so worried about you…” Luna froze, biting her lip and shifting her helpless gaze between me and Tia. She pulled her ears back against her head as if in fright, and panic seemed to flicker in her eyes… Come on, decide who you’d rather offend and disappoint?.. I leaned head to hide a reflexively coming bad smirk on my face. “Lu… Sorry for forcing you to choose.” The senior Princess drooped repentantly, noticing sister’s nervousness. “I think we all have to take a pause and calm down. It’s not an immediate question.” Coming to Luna, Celestia hugged her with a wing. “Let’s get back to it later, okay?” The blue one, hesitating, nodded reluctantly. “How do you feel?” The senior alicorn asked worriedly, breaking the embrace. “You look sickly and, besides, if I understand correctly, you just woke up and came here right away… Maybe you should go back and…” “Everything is fine.” Luna cringed. “Please, do not neglect your health in the future!” “Don’t try to send me away and slip out of the conversation!” The junior alicorn looked at her sister gloomily. “I’m really worried about you! Please, do not refuse me at least in this small thing. I heard your words and promise not to punish Nightmare Moon too severely.” “What are you going to do?” Luna didn’t move an inch. Tia, sighing deeply, looked at me. “I think you have some undone affairs in Ponyville? Besides, I’m looking forward to you apologizing to this griffon, to Gilda. I was very disappointed what I’ve learn from Twilight’s letter.” Tia nodded with her head, scowling. Yeah, I have to, actually… She really earned a bust up, but I clearly went too far… “Because of this, I can’t finance you in the previous volume.” The Princess of the Sun continued. “I guess it’s fair for you to pay her health care.” I think so… But it’s not a big deal, though: more than half from the previous “transaction” is still with me, so I won’t be in a bad situation anyway. In the end, who will refuse in food and accommodation to such a beautiful alicorn like me, right? I hid my smirk by leaning the head. “I cannot give your weapon and armor back as well…” “I can.” Luna resembled about herself. “And I’ll do it if you want to confiscate them!” Make your bets: will they fight or not?.. “Luna?…” Tia looked at her sister with a blank stare, but quickly recovered: “I beg you, sister: don’t let your feeling of fault push you to dangerous and short-sighted deeds!” “I can hardly be less dangerous to ordinary ponies — just as I’d be hardly more dangerous to you if I got my weapon back…” I decided to intervene in the argument, turning to Celestia. “But it’s your choice. Leave it by your side, if it matters to you.” I have to do something about the habit of carrying armor all the time anyway. It’s not that bad, it’s just not mine. And… Tia got a point. If I were her, I’d just tear myself apart… Miserable idiot… “Hm?…” The snow-white alicorn tried to rise her eyebrows, clearly not expecting me to suddenly take her side, the side of the accusation, in fact. “I… Thank you for your understanding, Nightmare.” Luna looked at me and her sister in silence, and took a step back. “Well deserved…” I grimaced. “So, what was the bottom line?” “There’s my mistake as well.” The Princess of the Sun sighed. “I should have spent more time with both of you instead of leaving you alone with your heartaches. I assumed that a simple friendly atmosphere would be enough, but unfortunately I underestimated, didn’t realize how bad it was. I’ll try to not allow this in the future So, Nightmare, I’d like you to stay here in Canterlot, but…” Celestia hesitated for a moment. “I need time to think about what happened and recover a little.” “Fine.” I moved with my wing indefinably. “When is my flight to Ponyville?” “Tomorrow. I’ll write you shortly after when… When I’m ready to our new meeting. And you will apologize most sincerely to poor Gilda and finish your other business, if there is anything left unfinished.” I nodded wordlessly. “The servants will bring food and medicine: your body needs help to kill the poison. And now, I must go: it is time for the night to begin. Let’s go, sister.” Tia touched the blue one with her wing and let her go ahead and follow her out the door. Without saying goodbye. “Bye, Princess.” I said with a sigh through the closed door, and picked up the wreckage of the magical limiter with my telekinesis and stared at it thoughtlessly. Well, I’m alive, oddly enough. Now it’s time to understand for what?..