Berlin blood

October 13, 1941 A cold wind blows mercilessly under their coats, the sky is completely covered with clouds that stretch far beyond the location of their tank division. Nothing can save you from the cold — neither gloves nor a coat. Jens is increasingly surprised, how did he think their autumn in Germany was cold? If it was cold anywhere this season, it was probably only in Russia. Nowhere else, the guy was sure, was there such terrible weather, which changed every five minutes. He and his comrades hardly see the sun, only rain and clouds. And if during the day they can somehow tolerate the cold, then at night this becomes impossible. Showers are a separate problem. They pour incessantly and complicate the passage of vehicles. While tanks can still get out of such mud, ordinary cars constantly get stuck. Alfred sometimes refused to drive or steer on the roads at all, arguing that if the tank got stuck, they wouldn’t get it out. This happened to their comrades when the driver drove into a rut not very successfully. Jens, the commander, at such moments frowned darker and darker, and at times looked like that very cloud hanging over them. The atmosphere is not exactly friendly. At times, quarrels and disagreements broke out. In their team, only Alfred and Eris did not get along with each other openly. Eris, as the complete opposite of Alfred — young, reserved and always just giving orders — was not clear to his older comrade. Alfred did not like people who close their inner world and do not allow anyone to penetrate it. The commander never gets involved in disputes. He is of the opinion that it would be better for them to figure it out themselves; in battle, everyone will still work harmoniously and obey him. The commander feels that he himself is not at peace in his soul. The cold weather is coming. Jens, having accepted the role of commander, was initially very nervous when they went into battle. Only then did he learn to give orders and think about practically nothing, learned to sleep little and get enough sleep with his eyes open. He doesn’t know why he went to war. Probably, so that, like Thilike, that young guy, he could realize himself in something… Besides, since he chose this path for himself, he needs to follow it. The feeling of love and affection is alien to him, but the oaths that he took when going into battle are not alien to him. He didn’t think about what he would do when he returned from the war. And will he return? In the current situation, he is tormented by doubts that should not exist. Jens dreams of conquering another country and half of his dream has come true. But he didn’t get any joy from it. A couple of awards and a title. Crap! After all, he really wanted to be successful, like his comrades and bosom friend August. He wanted to show that he was also not just a soldier and could also achieve something. War was the ideal opportunity. At the front, he could have quickly climbed the career ladder, but everything turned out to be not so simple. He often envied Augustus when he, sitting in front of him and Rudolf, boasted of his promotion and awards. He sold everything he had and decided that when he returned from the war, all the girls would be at his feet, he would get a colonel, and only then would he be able to say that life had happened. But the reality remained harsh. They almost approached Moscow. A little more and they would have been on Red Square. Jens receives a message that the Russians are advancing, and they should remain in their occupied positions until winter. The village that was nearby was perfect for their accommodation. Local residents were scared. They walked along with the infantrymen. The tanks were nearby. The soldiers were curious, what kind of Russian people are they? Unkillable? In one of the huts where they are located, a girl lives with her mother. Jens watches them often. The girl is nineteen years old. She seems difficult to him, she exudes kindness and warmth, which the soldiers so lack. At first, he denied his sympathy for this girl, especially since all units had orders to clear every abandoned village and kill all residents. However, this soon ceased to matter. Jens couldn’t tear himself away. She looks like a Russian beauty: slender body, plump lips and eyes the color of dark chocolate, waist-length hair black as night. But most of all Jens likes her gaze, full of strange magnetism: their shine attracts him like a lake glare. Her gaze, despite all the sorrows and adversities, is full of something alive. He wonders if there is anything alive left in his eyes. It seems not. She also studies it furtively. She’s interested. She has never seen foreigners. He’s afraid — you can feel it a mile away. Her mother is a very short old woman with deep wrinkles all over her face. It’s immediately obvious: the man has experienced a lot, seen a lot, nothing can surprise her. She looks after her daughter with both eyes so that she doesn’t cause trouble to her young head. And Masha — the girl’s name — locks eyes with all the soldiers. He flirts with everyone. Dangerous. Just give them free rein, they will attack her, poor thing. They yearned for women. Jens looks at her with both eyes. But you cannot protect a person from everything in this world. Jens was returning from tanks that were nearby. I noticed how the soldier pestered him quite openly, but she resisted, but had no strength to push her away. — What are you doing? — Jens exclaimed. The soldier, noticing him, jumped back and, his eyes bulging from the fact that he was caught, without making excuses, walked away. The girl looked at Jens and in those eyes there was so much gratitude and so much joy mixed with misunderstanding. As is usually the case, we notice only the external. She smiles at him and, turning around, goes back to the hut in the same mood. And he is behind her. Crap! Well, why did he come? I would have passed by. And the eyes, they say a lot, but not everyone can understand. Jens doesn’t even remember when he fell in love with her. When, getting up in the morning, did it become not so terrible to see this grayness and cold? When did you see her warming smile or when she tried to heal his cut on his hand with goose fat? Her touch was elusive. He focuses his gaze on her and pictures her face and figure in his head. He records, as if on film, her movements and her eyes. He remembers every moment so that later, many years later, he can remember. He knows he will leave here. And he will have to kill her, like all the Russians here. He enjoys the spark that has arisen between them, although they do not understand a word of each other’s languages. Gestures, glances, smiles help them out — they are international. Nobody knows about their communication. This is a secret hidden in front of everyone’s eyes. Only the girl’s mother, who understands everything perfectly, quietly at night, when all living things are asleep, explained to her daughter that now was not the time, and she decided to go crazy and play catch-and-greet with the enemy. But Masha didn’t want to listen to her. She was not stupid and understood everything, but she could not command her heart. She played with him at first, but now she couldn’t stop. Both understood that they would be lost. This is a game for both to lose. Two months pass like this. Jens receives word to move on. He hoped to the last that they would stay here a little longer. But an order is an order. He came to her in the evening after making a round and general notification to the soldiers. He sat down opposite her and looked at her for a long time, trying to convey his words and thoughts. He didn’t want to leave her, he really loved her. Such was his curse. She apparently understood everything, got up from her chair and went into the next room. “Listen,” Jens decided to pour out his whole soul to her, sat down on the bed next to her and, taking her hand, began: “Listen, I know that you won’t understand anything and that for you we are enemies, but for the first time in my life I I feel warm for someone. I see a shine in your eyes that no other woman has. Sorry, but I’ll have to leave you here. I can ask you to go into the forest, but I don’t know if you will survive there. No matter how much I want to take you with me, this cannot be done,” Jens finished, looking into her eyes for the last time. She understood everything, read everything. “Okay,” she said in Russian. Perhaps, having understood half of it, she really decided to protect herself from harm. She, unable to resist, fell first to his lips. She really wanted to feel what love is. She made the blood boil and the mind retreat before such power, and Masha understood this even at their first meeting. She saw herself in his eyes, this is the surest sign that the person is yours. Masha knew everything. She understood German, but kept it a secret and didn’t even try to speak. That’s why I decided to take this step. She lives once and every day is like the last. They sat under the moon and for a long time could not tear themselves away from each other’s lips. But they had to. And, if not for the eyes, it would be impossible to say that there is something between them. The moment Jens looked into Masha’s eyes, there was so much sadness in them. He had never seen how much: a little more and she would cry. He hugged her, inhaled the scent of her body and left. He could no longer stay in the room; if he stayed even a minute longer, he would definitely decide either to stay in this country himself or to take Masha. But both options are wrong and both are not for them. *** Thilike, who observed all this, really wanted to console the commander. It hurt myself. Hilda didn’t write, he didn’t know what to think.