Verloren

      Since the day Odasaku died, Dazai hasn't shed a tear.       He screamed, tore his hair, there was a lump in his throat that prevented him from breathing, and his eyes hurt from tears that wanted to pour out, but Dazai couldn't cry. He seemed to have broken down, unable to express all the pain that he experienced, and therefore it remained inside, painfully killing.       Dazai felt like time had stopped that day. Froze and didn't go. And everything around became even more indifferent, as if it had faded, but in fact, he himself was fading. More precisely, there was absolutely nothing left on his already almost damped, but holding on Odasaku's strong shoulder, the place of the soul, when the strong shoulder disappeared so sharply. Osamu began to turn gray at eighteen.       Odasaku died on the tenth of January. Dazai hated dozens, hated winter, hated Mori, hated himself, he hated the whole world, but he was so tired that this hatred didn't seem like hatred. Tiredness and nothing more. Osamu wanted to rest.       Every word Oda ever said was firmly imprinted in his memory, popping up in his head in a familiar voice at any moment and making him wince from increased pain. Every word he said was incredibly meaningful to Dazai. And therefore, even considering that he didn't have the strength for this at all, he obeyed and went to work in an agency.       The employees were wary of him, Dazai sensed this and didn't blame them. He probably looks like he's going to throw himself off the first bridge he comes across, and he really would have, but he wanted to believe the words of the one who knew him best and find that beauty in the good that he spoke about.       Appearing in Dazai's life, Odasaku imperceptibly for both of them gave him meaning, filled the void in the place of his heart with himself. He was mistaken in his last words. True, neither good nor evil would fill this void, they don't matter, but Odasaku was out of it. And yet, when he died, he tore out Osamu's heart, and now there gaped a black hole even larger than the one that was before his appearance.       To be honest, to help people is really more beautiful than to kill all life in them, but Osamu asked for forgiveness more than once, sitting at the grave of Odasaku:       «Forgive me, forgive, but even with this beauty it's impossible to live without you».       No one in the agency spoke to him about anything not related to work. No one except Yosano. She seemed to understand him. Understand? Oh no, that's ridiculously stupid, the only person who understands him is rotting underground. And yet, for some reason, he agreed to have a drink with her. For some reason told about Odasaku. For some reason she understood.       It turns out that Yosano also went through the death of a loved one, but then Ranpo appeared, like an angel, he listened to her and supported her. She was able to cry into his shoulder and she felt better. But Dazai still couldn't shed a tear.       It's been two months since Odasaku's death. Time flowed incredibly slowly and painfully, but still didn't stand still. Living was torture, but Dazai was only taking on more work, leaving less time for thoughts, feelings, and himself. The gray at the roots became very noticeable, and Yosano offered to paint it over, but he refused, not attaching importance to how he looks.       He was tormented by nightmares, different, but the same in essence – Oda always left. He closed his eyes and walked away, left him alone, killed him with loneliness. Dazai was incredibly hurt to see this, but he slept extremely little without it – falling asleep became harder, and he woke up after a couple of hours without the opportunity to fall asleep again. He began to stuff himself with sedatives, but in order to keep from being too sleepy, he poured more and more coffee and energy drinks into himself, reducing the effectiveness of the medicines. His heart ached now for two reasons, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Odasaku would have called him stupid, ruffled his hair and lay down with him, hugging him so that Dazai would be calmer and fall asleep easier.. But Odasaku is gone. He needs to cope on his own, but he had neither the desire nor the strength.       Seeing his condition, Yosano offered her help as a doctor, but Dazai refused every time and she sighed and lagged behind, but when he fainted from fatigue in the middle of the mission, Akiko nevertheless insisted that he drink all sleeping pills, sedatives, vitamins.. Everything she prescribes. She was really worried and Dazai understood that. He silently agreed.

***

      From the mirror, his dearly beloved blue eyes looked at him. Dazai has always compared them to the sea, pure, incredibly beautiful and deep. But now they were glassy, like a doll's, dead. Odasaku just watched and remained silent, while Osamu slid down the wall behind him and nervously fiddled with the bottom of his shirt. Internally he tremble in hysterics.       «O-Odasaku.. Odasaku, I know it's not you, please don't torture me». His voice cracked and sounded like Osamu was crying, but his eyes remained dry.       Odasaku in the mirror leaned against the same wall behind him, arms folded across his chest, and only looked down with his dead gaze down at Dazai, who was shrinking and starting to tremble.       After standing like that for a while, he tore his hands away from his chest and began to fold them into signs vaguely familiar to Osamu. Back in the mafia, he learned sign language, just in case, «Didn't know that you know it too» flashed through his head, and then he understood the phrase composed by Oda. «So you're not glad i'm here». Dazai, distracted by his own thoughts, abruptly raised his head to look at Sakunosuke, but in the mirror he saw only himself.       Became even more painful. Now Oda left because of him.

***

      In Yokohama the sea is visible from everywhere. Dazai liked to walk along the promenade with Odasaku, they were there at any time of the year and they always had a good time. With Odasaku it's warm even in the bitter cold, though he certainly won't take Dazai anywhere in this weather, caring about health.       After his death, Osamu tried to bypass the embankment and not see the sea, which so reminded him of him. Odasaku has eyes the color of the sea, Osamu told him this many times. He loved them so much.       Today, six months after Oda's death, he had a mission near the embankment and, having already finished, he was going to the agency, as his gaze involuntarily noticed the waves. Today is a storm. He froze, staring at them with glassy eyes. He could not tear himself away and, continuing to look, came closer, so that the waves sometimes reached his feet.       «Odasaku..?» His voice was hoarse from the sheer amount of cigarettes he'd been smoking lately. he understood that they won't answer him, but a familiar phrase that Dazai had seen in Odasaku's drafts suddenly popped into his head:

«The voiceless sea is asking me to drown myself in it immediately»

      «Aah!» Osamu sighed somehow joyfully and inspired. He, like the happiest person in the world, sincerely smiled and went deeper. When he entered the water up to his chest, someone noticed and called him, but Dazai didn't even turn around.       All the time, until he lost consciousness, only the thought was spinning in his head that he and Odasaku were about to meet. He's waiting for him.       The person who noticed him from the shore called the rescuers and they're able to pump him out. When Dazai woke up and realized that he's alive, he was really ready to cry.

***

      Late evening, cold. It's the end of September and Dazai's hair is almost completely gray. It rained all day, but now it has stopped, leaving behind huge puddles. Osamu looked into the one he accidentally stepped on while walking home through some park, and saw him and Odasaku joyfully walking here a year ago. Habitually, hallucinations now accompanied him almost always. He wanted to fall into this puddle, close his eyes and never open them again, seeing only that happy scene from his life. But Osamu only took out a cigarette and lit it.       «I think I'll die this autumn, Odasaku. Have i done enough? Are you proud of me? I hope so.. I'm very tired».

***

      Dazai knew what it was: how it felt, what the external signs, what the internal effects.. He didn't use it himself, but he had seen a lot of people under the influence of drugs. He hates pain, so he needs to buy a considerable dose of morphine to make it easier to die. He's not well versed in medicines and trying to get a legal painkiller of the same strength would be more troublesome.       When the drug was obtained, as soon as he returned home, he took a deep breath and injected it into a vein in his left arm. not too long ago, he also took fluoxetine, which, mixed with morphine, will enhance its analgesic effect and slightly suppress the nausea and dizziness it causes. Antidepressants and drugs don't sell that easily, of course, but Dazai had no problem getting them.         He set the bath to be filled, and put the blade on the rim. Clothes were thrown on the floor, followed by unwound bandages. There is no point in worrying about cleanliness and order.         A wry smile appeared on his face, warmth and incredible comfort had already spread over his body, it became incredibly easy for him and he would not even mind living for another day, but knowing that this was just the effect of morphine, he would never give up his idea.       Pleasant feelings were accompanied by dizziness, a barely noticeable tremor and drowsiness, so he hurried to turn off the tap and climb into the almost hot water.       Osamu was reclining, warming himself, and, listening to his slow heartbeat, he realized that he was falling asleep. He wanted to leave everything, falling asleep right here. Maybe he won't even have nightmares today. Maybe.. But now isn't the time to think about it. He reaches for the blade on the rim of and meets the sea in a dead gaze.       «I was waiting for you.. You always support me, thank you. I'm coming to you, Odasaku». Osamu whispers, wide-eyed, reaches out and touches the icy cheek, gently stroking. «I love you so».       He seemed to be frozen in prostration, drowning in his beloved sea, it seemed that the stopped time had disappeared altogether, and he came to his senses only when the water seemed cold. He turned on the hot water faucet again and waited for the entire bath to heat up again, still looking into Odasaku's eyes.       He finally took the blade, gripping it tightly between his fingers so as not to drop it if the tremor intensified, and once again looked into the blue eyes that silently continued to watch him.       In them he caught a voiceless call to action and, as if, support, it cheered up a little and gave strength, and he touched the scarred skin with iron, decisively drawing a slow line up the vein. The cut came out deep and the blood, dispersed by the hot bath, flowed in a faded red stream. The head began to spin more strongly, the hands continued to barely trembled, weakness was felt in the limbs, and periodically it became completely dark before the eyes.       Dazai would have already relaxed and closed his eyes, expecting to lose consciousness, but the line must be completed, othe.. — his thoughts were interrupted by his own heavy breath, — ..otherwise he can survive. He always fucking survives.       He wanted to sleep incredibly. He focused his eyes on the hand with difficulty and moved the blade further. When there was just a little bit left to the bend of the elbow, the blade slipped out, lost in the muddy reddish water.       «Ah, fuck you, that should be enough» he wanted to say it, but the body seemed to be sleeping and silent. Osamu chuckled.       There was almost no strength left and he relaxed, half-lidding his eyes so that he could see Odasaku in front of him.       «Hey» the voice was only in his head, but Osamu knew what he was hearing, «Will you kiss me?»       Oda sits down on the rim, coldly looking down at him.       «Why would I? You don't deserve». The voice is not his, no-no, it's definitely not Odasaku, he wouldn't say Osamu.. That. Moreover, the ghost that he often saw was voiceless. It flashed through his mind that it were hallucinations due to blood loss. Ah, that's what it is. He just needs to.. Just open his eyes and see Odasaku, he will definitely kiss–       «You. Don't. Deserved it. You did nothing to make me proud of you. You are to blame for my death. Kiss?» Oda looks at him like he's crazy. «Have you completely lost your mind? I hate you».       Osamu began to tremble in hysterics. He shouted something incoherent and beat his legs and arms against the bath, as if trying to close himself either from Oda, or from himself, and his eyes squinted, ready to cry, but still remained dry. He was still broken and unable to pour out his pain.      

***

      Dazai's downstairs neighbor was an acquaintance of Yosano's who she asked to call if she heard something strange from upstairs. And now, having heard from above a loud, as if, clatter and screams, she called her. Akiko at that time was walking with Ranpo, being in a great mood, but when she saw the number of the caller, she instantly became serious and picked up the phone.       «..Fucked up, just don't go there yourself, anything can happen there, I'm not far away, I'll be there soon». The ambulance won’t get there faster than her, and the neighbor won’t be able to help, maybe, perhaps, she will faint.       «Ranpo, sorry, I have to run!»       «What's happened?»       «Dazai».       He only needed one word.       «I'm with you».       Yosano nodded and they headed towards Dazai as quickly as possible.       Osamu understood that these were only hallucinations, but he couldn't do anything with himself, panic and fear filled his entire body, and his heart seemed to be torn apart by invisible claws. But the pain was clearly not physical, because no matter how much he beat his hands and feet on the bath, it didn't hurt him, although there, probably, there were already a lot of bruises and abrasions.       But suddenly he felt a soft touch on his cheek and he unexpectedly became calm. He was able to open his eyes. Odasaku's ghostly hand touched his cheek. Incredible, right? Osamu felt his eyes darken and he couldn't resist it.       The last thing he saw and felt was Odasaku's light kiss on his lips. And then Osamu plunged into endless darkness, where at last there were no thoughts, no nightmares.    

***

          Yosano unlocked Dazai's apartment with her own keys – she had them just in case, she usually just stopped by to check if Osamu was taking his prescribed medicines or just to talk, but she was prepared for emergencies like this.       «Hey Osamu, are you there?»       The answer was only a frightening silence and Yosano's accelerating heartbeat loudly audible in it. She and Ranpo went around the whole apartment and, not finding a single soul, stopped at the bathroom door.       «Stay here for now, okay?»       Yosano gestured to Ranpo to wait in place and went into the bathroom.       Her eyes saw the sight of a completely gray-haired Dazai in water mixed with blood and natural secretions. His face was calm and, as it were, happy, and from the corners of his closed eyes were visible tracks of recent tears. Clothes, bandages and an empty syringe lay by the bath.       After a few seconds of being in the bathroom, Yosano staggered out of there, pale. When Ranpo grabbed her by the shoulder, she vomited.       «H-he already.. That's it. We're late».       Her voice trembled.         She would show almost no reaction if she saw something like this with someone else, hardened by experience, but now it was Osamu, who had become close in their short acquaintance. Yosano consoled herself with the fact that he was finally feeling better; there, with Odasaku, he definitely felt better.         But she couldn't handle her pain.