Dispersal of the rainclouds

      The ambulance arrived quickly. Under the windows its red and blue lights flashed and reflected in thousands of raindrops flying down. The siren was deafening. A jackhammer was pounding in my temples. I couldn't hear anything, not even my own voice. I barely answered the policemen's questions who arrived with the doctors and tried not to break down 'cause of the adrenaline bubbling under my skin. An undigested, just experienced mixture of emotions was ready to burst out in a bloody explosion. However, the last thing that others needed right now and, most importantly, Sayori, was my hysteria. Not now. Soon I found myself in a police car. The officers got in after me, talking loudly among themselves; we immediately set off after the howling white van. On the way to I gave evidence about happened to one of the officers. I held up quite well. When the basic information was announced: about me, about Sayori, about my parents, and so on, more in-depth details were needed. And as luck would have it, I didn't have the heart for them. There was a cramp inside so hurtful, which made me involuntarily grabbed my vest and shirt at my chest into a fist. I lowered my head and tucked my legs to my body, whispering softly: "I'm sorry." The cop was quiet for a sec, probably exchanging glances with a colleague. He said, "You did all right, young man. You did everything you could do in that situation" then patting me sympathetically on the shoulder. Then he turned away and smartly dialed someone on the phone. Until the end of the trip I tried to calm my convulsively shaking shoulders and silently pouring tears.

***

My bleary gaze hollowly drilled into the white tile under my feet, stained with dirty and wet shoes after the rain. Above the large doors a bright red sign glowed with the inscription: "Attention! No entry allowed! Resuscitation is underway!". On the other side I could hear the doctors bustle and the quiet squeak of equipment. I folded my frozen hands into a lock, lowered my head, burying the top of my head in my forearms and closed my eyes, trying to abstract from everything. "All I can do now is just wait..."— a deep, heavy breath, a short sob, and again I wipe away bitter tears. No matter what I say to myself — nothing helps – "I did everything I could do... Right?" Sayori's parents were supposed to arrive in half an hour. These damn long half an hour, according to the instructions of the police, it was necessary for me to be here until the arrival of her legal representatives. I was tormented not so much by the expectation itself, but by the realization of the fact of a personal conversation with her parents. I didn't know what I should say them. Where should I start the conversation? In principle, how do anyone start a conversation in this situation? Thinking about it, thoughts get tangled every time into a tight, nasty, hair ball that rolled down to the throat and got stuck there. Nothing sensible came to mind, but something was on the tip of my tongue. Yesterday's dialogue with Sayori was spinning in an endless cycle in my mind. With every burning memory, I wanted to bang my head against the wall more and more. I grabbed my hear out of helpless anger at myself. Half an hour before her parents arrive. Half an hour before anyone appears in this goddamned corridor. Just half an hour for my reflection. During this time, I had to pull myself together. I leaned back on the long bench. Take a deep, slow breath. A trembling rapid exhalation. Then a few more. The hospital smell of phenol layered in the lungs.       "How much better it would be if I could just disappear!..." – a prickly memory suddenly shot through my head, –"...If I wasn't here, you wouldn't have to waste your time on me!.." — Sayori... – I suddenly blurted out her name, — Jesus... Yesterday, after we dispersed with Yuri, I met Sayori on the road. As a result of a short conversation, the terrible truth was revealed. I found out the reasons for Sayori's failed suicide. Her words about prolonged depression plunged me into the deepest shock. After such a statement, I didn't even know what should I say to calm her, but what I heard next completely knocked me out of the rut. «...I like you so much that I want to die!..." Sayori confessed her feelings for me yesterday, right on the street near my house. She confessed in very scary words. This is not how I imagined my first relationship of love. In my stomach, instead of butterflies, spontaneous whirlpools of my emotions roared from the most different ends of the spectrum: disbelief, shock and fear mixed with hope, joy and relief in droning violent streams. "It must have been the most idiotic beginning of a relationship..." – I squeezed my eyes shut with shame, – "What normal person will reciprocate when the one who confessed to him is literally a step away from taking away its life? Apparently, I'm not normal..." I have long felt sympathy for Sayori, maybe something more. Our feelings, as it turned out, were mutual. But, damn it, what an inappropriate situation it was..! The conversation continued and slowly escalated into a heated exchange. And when in a fit of emotion, Sayori was about to finish the dialogue and leave, when she was about to say something terrible once again... I stopped her, walked over and hugged her tightly. There was so much grief and fatigue in her every word by the vast volumes of the world's oceans. So much salt water, called tears. We hugged in silence in the middle of the street for several minutes. I was sure I could calm Sayori down. I held her as tightly as if for the last time. I didn't want to let her go. Never again. It seemed that a blissful calm had come between us, but a new wave was waiting for the ocean of emotions. I remember so clearly how gently and affectionately Sayori accepted my embrace. I still feel her warm, spreading, melting ice embrace. Even now, the subtle warmth of her fingers squeezes my shoulders and softens on my back. As if she hadn't uncoupled them all this time. It was as if she had wrapped warm and soft currents around me. I wanted to drown in such hugs. They warmed my soul. "A fool in love..." – I was embarrassed, feeling my cheeks turn red. After everything I heard that day, these hugs became a lifeline for both of us. That's what I thought until this morning. I saw a huge tsunami hit behind the ebb of foaming feelings. Then it was just the calm before the storm. The circle was only for one person. For me. Sayori lied to make me feel better for a while. A storm warning to give me time to go. And I fell for it. I felt cold. As if by underwater currents, the whirlpools brought giant icebergs into harbor. Head over heels in love, did not hear and did not want to hear that it "hurts her to accept someone else's care and kindness." Literally, her quote. A little understandable to me, but frightening to the core. As is the diagnosis of depression itself... How could I naively believe that she was getting better? Sayori bluntly told me that she was unbearably ill, that she was tearing apart, that she was disgusted with herself. I tried to convince her, to convey to her the idea that I can't not worry about her in any way, that I want to do this to know she's okay. Most likely I said something wrong. I should have put it differently. I should... — Damn me!.. – rage, boiling through my veins, demanded to come out. I got up from the bench and began to wander along the corridor from one end to the other. "Naive ram!" – yes, how could I so easily believe that it became easier for her?! Sayori has said more than once, and not twice, what she feels! I stupidly believed in my delusions, naively believing that gentle hugs would solve the problem! I had to send everything to hell: Yuri, Natsuki, Monica, the literary club and the whole fucking world! I was supposed to spend the evening with her. At least a couple of miserable hours. I had to make sure she was definitely going to be okay. I had to make sure that the thunderstorm would pass by. I had to... "...Why are these black clouds still hanging over my head?..." — Shit!.. – Unable to control my anger, I swung my fist and hit the wall with all my might. The pain sobered up me instantly. I turned my hand and looked listlessly at the knuckles. The fist that had been smashed into blood throbbed painfully. I rolled helplessly down the wall to the floor. I could have noticed a change in her behavior even earlier. I could have helped her earlier. Then there would be no fears that now torment the soul. Then Sayori would have felt better much earlier— she wouldn't have to suffer because of me. Because of a misunderstanding of their own emotions. "I need to calm down... I need to count to ten..." – I put my injured hand to my face and closed my eyes, starting to count, – "One, two, three, four..." A terrible picture shot through my head again. Her eyes. Eyes, I would drew in. I wanted to drown and I drowned in them. Drowned in her azure, pale blue, boundless eyes. At that moment, they were fading. The sparks of life were rapidly extinguished one by one. Her eyes were pale. It was as if gray clouds crying with torrential rain, paired with thick milk of fog, forever blocked the water surface with a cold veil. At that moment I thought I was going to die. I felt how quickly all the best things I had ever had, that all the best things I remembered and knew were painfully decomposing inside. How quickly the heart was bursting at the seams. The playful blue color of her eyes reminded me of a calm warm sea. He was sparkling, beaming with joy and simple naive love for life. That's why I wanted to drown. After all, this warmth enveloped and flooded me completely. That's why it was doubly painful to look at her hanging in a noose. After such memories, my head was completely empty. There were no strength left inside me. Indulging in apathy, I wanted to fall asleep right on the hospital floor and wait for better times. I looked at watch on the wall. Sayori's parents are fifteen minutes away from arriving. "Wow, burning out so quickly..." – I smiled bitterly. — Young man! – a loud female voice from the side of the intensive care unit made me jump on the spot from fright, — I suppose, the legal representatives haven't arrived yet? – I shook my head, — I see. Please come here, I need to clarify some information from you...