Into These Waters of My Soul

A day later, they arrived on a sunny and marvellous island. The warm sea washed the sandy shores, and the lush orchards drowned the guests in fragrant, sweet aromas… “If paradise exists, then it is here!” Elizabeth Midford exclaimed with delight, to which the other tourists readily agreed.

***

Sebastian and Ciel made their way along a narrow path that led to the beach. Ciel’s legs in shorts walked before him and caressed the eye. Good heavens, for these legs, I will sell the remains of my soul if only there are any left to me. Sebastian hungerly gazed at his tight, slender thighs and the tiny dimples on the back of his knees. With the sickly whiteness of his skin, his legs seemed foreign to this world but so impossibly desirable. A scorching morning was like a demon licking the cold feet of an angel. Whenever Ciel turned back to show something to Sebastian — to point at the rocks that looked like a huge rabbit or at a flock of peculiar birds, — the man’s eyes obediently followed his finger, and he agreed with the picturesque sight of the place, even though he was rather forced to observe it, busy with his own obsession as he was. Submissive as if a tame beast, he was still trying to break free, and now and then he looked back to where the colossal figure was gliding along the narrow and dusty ribbon of the path, close behind other people. A black mass, which at first looked like clothing, at second glance revealed the thickening, encased inside its own borders, darkness. The devil was breathing down his neck, and to his creator’s silent indignation and resistance, he answered with even more silence. Sebastian could feel a cold sweat on his skin. He created the demon, he was the demon, so why couldn’t he make him disappear? What did he want?.. Instead of an answer, his gaze turned by itself to the tempting places on the milky thighs. Wasn’t it the devil who made him look, desire, and imagine, who made him open his mouth and tell things to Ciel that Sebastian — the previous Sebastian, the one who was before the cruise — would have never said? And what if Victoria was alive? What if his loving wife was with him?.. But then again, it hadn’t been so long ago that he said to himself — to the black face that hovered over him — that the wretch was him! Sebastian acknowledged the demon from the very beginning. The hallucination wouldn’t go away. I am utterly lost. Is this not madness? The man tried not to think about it, but if his thoughts were not about the counterpart or the novel, his mind was occupied by the blue eyes and the thrilling, melodious voice. The colour of rich cobalt and a moan of the ocean — the symbols that were leading the author further than he could allow himself to go. Like a clever trap. A fragrant flower full of poison and thorns. Could it be that Ciel was not an angel after all? The devil — Sebastian — could be right, and Ciel was only wearing a mask. All was not what it seemed. At times, Michaelis believed that it was difficult to leave his persistent attention unnoticed, and that Ciel must have seen or felt, at least, that something was wrong. Every time they met each other’s eyes, Sebastian would apologise for his own self. Like a whirlpool, he was trying to pull the boy into himself, to absorb everything that was fragile and defenceless in him, beautifully poisonous that couldn’t be exposed to the vile, indifferent, and dangerous world. The quiet eyes searched his sharp features in response. There was curiosity rising in them, and as if warily, they tried to hide confusion and… excitement? Ciel, of course, was suspecting that he was a Lamb that had strayed from the herd while Sebastian was a Wolf, but to think so was wrong, and therefore he should have feared these thoughts more than the beast. In times of yore, some foolish Sheep taught the Lamb that Wolves did not exist, or that, if nothing else, a predator could be changed to a herbivore. The demon thinks, Baaa. In the name of our Sheep God (for there is nobody but Sheep on this earth or in heaven). Baamen. Amen was the most sullied of words and just as thoughtless as the bleating of a sheep. A well — wrong — brought up Ciel was running away from the frightening idea but not from the Wolf. He chose to be brave and make terms with the Wolf, and so he put up his shield before him — made of cardboard but blessed with good intentions. How foolish that is, thinks the Wolf, and his tongue peeks between the bayonet-shaped teeth. It will be easy for the beast to eat his helpless prey right now, here between the rocks. There are no witnesses, and come what may. Screams and resistance. Is it heaven’s dew or tears? His blood and the taste of possession. That is all life is worth. Only power. Beauty. Destruction… Something between creation and resurrection. Licking wounds. Crushing bonds. Digesting. A desperate widower scribbler who lost his own self had nothing left to lose. Sebastian had to stop all the confusion in his head. He pressed his throbbing temples; the sharp pain didn’t last for long this time. It felt like a flash, like the laugh of the devil entrenched deep inside of him like a bark beetle. The demon seemed to have found something interesting in Sebastian, and Sebastian seemed to have found something noteworthy in himself, and… Be quiet! Be quiet! Just as the man took another step to follow his companion, Ciel turned to face him. “Too bad that Gabriel and Lizzy stayed at the hotel.” Sebastian silently thanked them for staying back at the hotel and nodded. “They will have plenty of time for that. Besides, we can return here in the evening.” “Only if Lizzy feels better.” Upon arrival, Miss Midford had a headache: the local paradise was inaccessible for her so far, and Gabriel, in solidarity, decided to stay by his fiancée’s side and entertain her quietly like a true gentleman. Vincent and Rachel went to a local town; Sebastian expressed a desire to walk to the sea and “work the bones in the water;” Ciel volunteered to join him. Apparently, his parent’s company aroused little interest in him after many days that they had spent in the closed space on the liner, and the rule “three’s a crowd” didn’t allow him to stay with his twin and the lady. Down from the cliff, went a narrow serpentine path, the end of it turning into an even narrower crumbled ribbon. A tiny flint stone rolled down, dragging the clods of dirt behind it. Sebastian grabbed Ciel by the waist and pulled him closer to himself and away from the edge. “What are you doing?!” “For a moment, it seemed you would fall.” Ciel’s hot hands lay above the man’s, which he had tightly clasped around his waist, like the roots of a tree or the claws of a beast on the hunt. “I’m standing firmly on my feet. You can let me go,” said Ciel. “Are you sure? It’s not a long fall from here, but somebody like you can easily get hurt.” Ciel groaned briefly, at some conclusion or thought of his own, and yet agreed — surrendered — without a fight. “Alright. You can take my hand.” He let him. That was how they walked the rest of the way — holding each other’s hands. Ciel’s hand, hot as the foot of a volcano and wet with sweat, squeezed that of the man very tightly, especially when he fancied that he saw somebody on the top of the cliff or on the far end of the shore. A happenstance witnesses — their eyes, of course, were like two telescopes, and their tongues went from one end of the beach to the other, lost in the rootstock of the local tourist cave. Gossips, gossips… The beach was empty, save for a couple of people — two distant dots — who were already leaving. The tide was low. A rusty-grey mass of hermit crabs, barnacles, and seaweed stretched across the wet line of the shore. Warm memories woke up a little boy in Ciel’s eyes. He picked up a starfish — a kind of rotten, swollen liquorice — and threw it into the water in the lightest, almost childish manner. Then he walked along the seaside with Sebastian. Michaelis watched the wind blowing the smoothly combed hair and making them swing in loose whirlpools while the hot bright orange rays were caressing the milky thighs, and the shadows were fighting back on the tiniest border of clothing, which was the dark blue hem of his shorts. He was ready to swear that he could look at this forever, like a demon in a lightless cave that watched a radiant ether — a newborn angel yet to grow strong — fly by. He was a butterfly hatched from a cocoon. The young guest’s position was vague, almost shapeless, until his wings dried out and strengthened. It was getting hotter — a perfect time for swimming. Sebastian took off his clothes and stepped into the sea. “Are you coming?” he asked. Ciel hesitated on the shore, twirling a long, like a cow’s tongue, seaweed in his hands. “You will laugh,” he said under his breath. “I will not.” “I’ve been scared of water since I was a child.” “And what is it that scares you about it?” The scrawny shoulders rose and fell hesitantly. “It feels… like falling into nowhere… it scares me. Nothing’s under your feet. Danger. No control. I’ve heard that even experienced swimmers got cramps in their legs and drowned.” The butterfly needs to be sure of the wings that carry her over the abyss, doesn’t it? Thoughtfully, the man moved his head to the side, glancing at the sloping-sharp knees like a spider. He wiped the sweat from his brow: the heat above the water was trying to press him against the hot sand as if he were a tiny insect. “You need to trust the water. It will push you out by itself. Believe me, it has no wish to keep what doesn’t belong with it.” Ciel smiled. “Once I almost drowned in shallow waters… that’s ridiculous.” “You just got scared and panicked. How old were you?” “Twelve.” “Well, I will catch you, believe me. And if I don’t, I will drown with you.” “You speak oddly sometimes.” “But honestly.” “So you will really sink with me?” “Like a stone.” Ciel smiled again. He carefully put the book that he had taken on the sand and started to pull off his shorts. He was doing it with charming slowness and spectacular awkwardness. By the time his underwear was the only thing left on his body, Sebastian had already swum ahead and back. “Now then, come to me.” Sebastian lightly splashed some water on the milky white skin. The young man answered with a timid smile. He reached the water up to his chest and then immediately turned back as soon as his feet lost the ground, but Sebastian caught him be the arm and pulled him closer. “Don’t be afraid. What is so fearful about it?” “I don’t know. Fears can be foolish and… various. Don’t you yourself fear anything?” “I do. But I will tell you about it after I teach you to swim.” “So most likely, never. My father and Gaby tried so many times that they gave up on it. Gaby jokingly said, ‘It is God’s will, Ciel, isn’t it? Trusting water is trusting God. Or don’t you trust Him?’ And as you can see… I still can’t swim. I don’t trust my own self, and you still want to trust me something.” “I am neither your father nor Gaby. I may have my own methods.” “Then I hope that you won’t frow me into the water like a log and say, ‘Swim, swim!’, and mind that I won’t even think about doing it no matter what.” “Even an anchor can be taught to swim.” “You are lying.” “A little bit. But only for you to compare your capabilities with those of a pile of metal.” With these words, Sebastian let go of Ciel’s arm and swam a little further. Ciel hastily returned to the shallows, where he could feel his footing. “Swim to me. Look at me and swim. Your problem is that you think and trust too much. You need to neither think nor trust. Swimming is a process that requires no unnecessary things.” “Easy to say. But… I’ll try.” Ciel did as he was told. Soon enough, Sebastian held his slender arms again, and the swimmers found themselves skin to skin. “This is better. You are doing great. Are you still scared?” “A little… If I start thinking about what’s under my feet, I forget how to stay afloat. Don’t let me go. It’s deep here, isn’t it?” “Try to think about something else.” “Alright… it’s just that… it’s not always easy to do.” The drops that rolled down from his forehead were shining in the sun like dew. His lips — one thin, the other full — were a little bit twisted in fear and just as wet and salty as the water. His eyes were the sea. His taste was the sea. Never seeing the moment of impulse, Sebastian swiftly pressed his lips to Ciel’s. Ciel opened his eyes wide and, after a moment’s hesitation, pulled away in utter astonishment. He was about to say something but never did and only opened his eyes even wider. He had an urge to push the man away; instead, he clung to him like a lifebelt. Once again, he was scared of the emptiness beneath his feet, and panic began to take over. “I want to go back to the shore,” he muttered in a strangled voice. “Then swim.” “Is this your method?” “Don’t worry, I’ll be by your side and won’t leave you.” “Don’t” “Don’t what? Leave you or swim by your side?” Ciel glared at him with indignation and disapproval, and then suddenly swam towards the shore. There was nothing else for him to do. Sebastian made sure he was safe. By the time they were back on the shore, a family of five — the tourists just like them — was coming down to the beach. Ciel was shaking, but, as Sebastian was sure, not because of the unfortunate swim. It will be over now, he thought, his heart sinking. He would be pushed away like a stray and foul-smelling old dog — how bold of him to hope for caresses! Whether Ciel kept his word or there was another reason, he didn’t leave. The young man simply put on his hat and sat down on the sand, facing the sea. He didn’t say anything. Meanwhile, Sebastian greeted the passers-by, who turned out to be the passengers from the same ship, then narrowed his eyes at Ciel (it was essential to act as if nothing had happened). “You lack zeal. You won’t learn to swim like this.” “And you lack self-restraint.” The young man’s chest was heaving heavily; he didn’t raise his eyes, pretending to watch the horizon. “Why did you do it? You know that it’s obscene. You mustn’t do it. This is… You mustn’t. You mustn’t — for these naively uttered words the Beast is ready to pounce on him then and there, with others to witness. “Accept my apologies, you are right. But at that moment, you didn’t seem a bit obscene to me. Perhaps I should pray for the night.” The blue eyes pierced the brown ones with a sudden searching look. Ciel couldn’t understand if Sebastian was teasing him or if he was being serious. Sebastian hurried to prevent any words he could say. “I turned to you, Ciel, for a reason. I assure you. I really need your help. It’s getting worse and worse…” “What’s getting worse?” “It is the book. I’m starting to think that I should never have written it. You see, it is driving me mad.” “You have rejected God, and you continue to look the wrong way. That’s what you do. I don’t know how to help you.” “I have seen many people — too many — who assure others that they know the only right way. Presumptuous liars, all of them. However, oddly enough, despite your youth, I have for the first time believed that I can trust someone. You are pure. And I want to see the world through your eyes, at least a little.” Ciel closed his eyes and thought. They said no more about what had happened. Basking in the sun, Ciel found an empty shell and began to cover it with sand. “Go to swim. I’ll sit here,” he said. “Just don’t read in the sun.” “I won’t.” “Alright.” As he swam, Sebastian tried to imagine as fully as possible what Ciel might be thinking about, even though he was sure that his company would not be refused. The demon inside whispered to him that he had just made the angel more angel-like still. What does this mean? You’ll see. An hour later, they made their way back. “I want to go to some bookshop,” said the boy. “Escort me.” “You will read here?” “I will. I always read before I go to bed.” “Shall we take a walk later tonight?” “To the sea. But no swimming.” “As you say.” “Will you always repeat it? You act like a dog.” “I am your dog. Have you not realised it yet?” Ciel reddened. “You are saying strange things. Don’t it anymore.” “As you say. Although it would be better to say not a dog but a lost sheep.” Just as the sun moved closer to its zenith, they left the beach to return to the hotel. It wasn’t yet eleven o’clock.

***

On the way back, the walkers came across a restaurant, in the shadow of which they had a bite of mussels, crispy bread with cheese, and white wine. Ciel’s skin was slightly reddened in the sun and shining. As far as Sebastian remembered, it had a sweet aroma of baked milk and caramel — the scent that didn’t belong with the local exotics. The wind still wafted the fresh smells of a bakery from the south: hot bread and rosemary. The scent of sunflowers on the street corner mingled with fish, flew over the whitish dust, and set upon the boy’s wet locks. His lips were cracked from the sea water, wind, and sun, and so Ciel licked them every now and then; they had become bright crimson. Oh, how insufferably Sebastian longed to touch them with his own lips again; he was staring at Ciel so searchingly that, in the end, it was noticed. “You are looking at me like that again.” “Like what? Could you speak more clearly? Otherwise, I don’t know if I should gouge my eyes or turn my head away.” “You know exactly what I mean.” “Not really, but what can I do?” “I cannot understand what you are thinking. Will you tell me?” “You are impossibly good for this world, that’s why I’m looking for a tricky side of you. I always feel like you are not what you say you are.” “And what about yourself? Are you what you say you are?” “I am so mingled with the mud that it is hard to tell what is me and what isn’t.” Ciel ignored his words and asked him suddenly: “When you were writing about the devil, from his own perspective, what were you feeling?” The man answered without much thought: “Love.” Ciel raised his eyebrows in surprise. Sebastian explained: “For humans. Only the devil can love them the way that God cannot.” “The devil is incapable of loving. To think otherwise is to deceive yourself.” “You are so sure about it.” “As are you,” the young man said firmly. “However, the devil doesn’t play a positive character in your novel; he is rather… honest. And still, I don’t believe that he can…” Sebastian interrupted him. “Was it unpleasant to you when I kissed you?” The cobalt eyes twitched. “Why… are you asking?” “Just answer and, please, be as honest as you can.” “I don’t want to answer this question. You are making me extremely uncomfortable by bringing up what I want to forget.” “Do you?” Ciel glanced around. Did anyone hear them? Sebastian smiled. “In striving for the light and the ‘right’ way, people are often driven by the fear of punishment and nothing else.” “You are flattering yourself.” “But this is not the only reason for your fears, of course. You want to trust someone, to shift responsibility, and to take strength from outside. You can’t trust yourself,” continued the man. He could already hear the familiar sniffling in his ear. The leaden eyelids covered with short hair opened like oysters to reveal the two fiery orbs that bled with garnet light. He was risking it by playing with Ciel: he could already see him stand up from the table and flee, but Ciel did otherwise. He smiled suddenly and guilelessly. “You turned to me for help, not I to you. Isn’t it right? Then why are you trying to help me?” “I am provoking you, isn’t it obvious? I don’t like to pray, but I’m asking you to make me. Can you do that?” “You need to go to church. I know a man who can help you.” “As it happened, I decided to trust myself only to you. In your purity, again, I do believe.” “You are contradicting yourself. You have just said that I hide my true colours.” “You may or may not, but in the latter case, you are brighter than all the stars in the sky, and that will be a certain win for me.” “I don’t understand you.” “And it will be a good experience for you. A try or… a great result?” The young man’s fingers drummed on the glass and tore off a piece of crispy bread to put a little in the mouth. Then more. And more. The sun was bathing Ciel’s figure from behind; some rays, as if a play of light, seemed to the man like tiny wings, such as were typical for cherubs. Interest and flattery will be the hook, whispered the serpent. “Alright,” finally said Ciel. “But promise me that you will… obey. And one more thing: you will give me your novel. Everything, including the drafts. You should have nothing left of it.” “What will you do with it?” “It’s for me to decide. It doesn’t concern you anymore. You trust me after all, or don’t you? Even though I can’t see where it’s going… I will find out.” Of course. We both will. Sebastian smirked. “Let it be so. But you should know that this book is the most important thing in my life.” “That’s what I thought.” “If you destroy it…” Ciel propped his head with his hand, a smile on his face. “What will you do with the one you have trusted yourself to?” His smile was bright and at the same time inquisitive. Nervous, Sebastian tapped his fingers on the tabletop and glanced around. “…I want to order coffee. You want some?” “No. I’ll have something cold, please.”