Into These Waters of My Soul

It all happened too fast. I could scare him, thought Sebastian as he looked at the ocean. Boundless and beyond words, it covered most of the space like a canvas and seemed to live its own life, like an otherworldly creature that paid no heed to people in the “boat”. Its indifference and nonchalance were to be seen as something too beautiful and honest, and therefore more beautiful still. It's too confusing. What was I thinking? What are these strange favours, and what help do I suddenly need? But as he recalled it, the man looked at the shimmering waves and felt something entirely different. It was like raising a long-sunken treasure — a twisted pleasure to experience, especially if the waters were muddy and mighty like a heart aorta. Michaelis already knew all the steps he could possibly take; he thought them out effortlessly, and even the fact of it pleasantly tickled his nerves, for such a charming blue was looming in the distance. At the mere thought of Ciel, his heart at last began to beat in earnest, as the heart of a man in the prime of life and aspirations was meant to beat. He hadn’t felt like that in a long time. His heart was like a running engine. Like a burning hearth. His chest felt warm, and in his mind rang an awakened desire. This beaming smile, this laughter, and this gentle, pure look shall become something more when addressed to me; they shall belong to me alone. I may let someone look at this dark and innocent gift, but I will be the one to decide. And then again: What am I thinking about? It is impossible. It cannot be. On second thought… Who would decide? I will. The dark and vast waters hid the truth and were about to open wide. A forbidden cargo was rising from the bottom — at the sight of it, one risked losing their mind if not prepared. What was there? The waves danced, and something fluttered in Sebastian, as if stuck between his ribs — a lead bullet, an arrowhead. The counterpart took the man’s hand; his sharp black claws dug in until they burnt the skin, but Sebastian only turned his head to a young married couple that stood nearby — onlookers, just like him. Could they see the demon? Obviously not. The lady glanced at Sebastian and smiled at him with the smile that only those who were passionately in love were ready to give anyone. Sebastian didn’t smile back; he was already staring at the water with a cloudy and distant look. Now more than ever, he could feel something push him from the inside — burning and pleasant impulses. It was them that brought him back to life. Michaelis was like a half-dead creature that had been accidently, graciously revived by dark and doubtlessly pleasant magic. Maybe he had become a golem — a hollow puppet filled with life. He felt a surge of energy from the revival and the fading of his old acquaintance, with whom he had been living for so many years, since the day he was born. Victoria loved that acquaintance, while Sebastian was sick and tired of his decaying, humble nature. And if Sebastian wasn’t that acquaintance, Victoria would have never looked his way. How was it possible to be so wicked? And perhaps he would have lived his life to the fullest if things had happened differently… That dance of thoughts partly belonged to him, and at the same time, it was not quite him. Or, better said, it was the other him. The man breathed heavily; he wanted to smoke. He took out a cigarette. I need to act unpredictably in order to get him interested and carefully in order not to frighten him away. Angels are timid and capricious after all. Such was his thought and his decision. Everything that didn’t concern Ciel was cut off sharply. Victoria? What about Victoria? The golem’s past. Sometimes, he might recall his dear wife.

***

They walked along the long rows of dolls. French, Japanese, Chinese, German, English, Russian… Porcelain, ceramic, wooden, rag, clay, and wax. The abundance of bows, ruffles, colourful dresses, and ringlets sticking out from everywhere hurt the eye. Thousands of orbs watched the onlookers with an expression of indulgence or that of empty acceptance of reality: I am a doll, and you are my master. The greatest attention was drawn by Pandoras from Paris. Their limps, truly royal and sticking out of clouds of silk, beckoned with their elegant, sophisticated cries of silence. Elizabeth, like many other young ladies, made her way straight to their marvellous circle, dragging Gabriel with her. Ciel could only wave bye-bye to his twin, who looked back at him doomily. Vincent’s face froze with an expression that said he was bored to death. He was hoping that a talk with Sebastian would help him, but the latter had been careful to slip into the shadows, following Ciel. After wandering along the exhibition hall with Rachel, Vincent met his acquaintance who had found himself in the same hopeless trap — they struck up a conversation, and thus Sebastian could give all his attention to Ciel. To his surprise, the exhibition filled the young man with enthusiasm. He was examining the dolls with his eyes animated, each and every one, not neglecting even those with rosy cheeks. At first, he was muttering something under his breath, barely audible, but when he noticed his companion, he spoke louder. “It’s a work of high quality. Everything is done with great attention to detail. Look at these tiny buttons or these miniature pearl dewdrops all over the hem! It’s like shoeing a flea. Isn’t it wonderful?” Sebastian took a closer look and found the handiwork indeed impressive. But not because he himself thought the details worthy of attention, but because they were noted by Ciel. It was like glazing the eye of the young Phantomhive, breaking off a piece of it, and peeking through its blue, like through a piece of glass — a holy prism. Childhood then?.. It occupied the lion’s share of those waters. Ciel was already standing frozen in front of a showcase with a military division: foot soldiers and horsemen. “You can remove the rifles from these soldiers and put them on the horses. Their legs and arms can bend, but not so easily.” “Curious,” was the man’s only answer. He wasn’t so much interested in all those toys as in a striking change in Ciel. How much awakened curiosity, how much enthusiasm! “You like toys, I can see.” “Very much. Maybe because I was a sickly child and often stayed alone at home. Toys were my only company. That’s why I think that every child needs to have great toys for such occasions, to keep them interested and busy, to distract them.” Distract from what? “I even had a dream to open a toy factory to make the most interesting toys affordable for every child.” “I see. Have you changed your mind?” Ciel shrugged uncertainly. “I don’t know. I only know that toys are an essential part of our childhood. All of us can remember at least one special toy. Let’s take you, for example. What was your special toy?” Sebastian faked a guilty smile. “I didn’t have toys.” “Lair.” “Not at all. I was indifferent to them and played with other things… And yours? Let me guess… soldiers?” “Not at all. Chess, oddly enough, and a black horse with ruby eyes. I used to mount it, and it would take me far, far away…” “Where, if not a secret?” Ciel smiled. “To some fantastic tower.” “To save a princess?” His soft cheeks turned bright crimson. Suddenly, Ciel felt an urge to put his fingers on the edge of a wooden canon and move them back and forth. Unconsciously meant by the craftsman or not, the thing looked like a phallus. “No… not at all,” he babbled. “There was no princess there.” “Then why are you embarrassed?” “It’s stuffy here. Besides, I have seen everything, and you?” Sebastian realised that they had been strolling around for over an hour under the lifeless gaze of glass and wooden things. “I suggest going out into the fresh air.” Ciel looked around and found his twin. What misery and suffering had taken reign of the familiar face! “Looking at your brother, I think there is one more circle of hell — dolls,” joked the man. Ciel smirked and looked at Gabriel with sympathy. “I should save him.” “I think that would be a disservice. Besides, I’d like to stay alone with you.” Ciel looked at the man with his eyes open wide but nodded in a calm, if not cool, manner. “Alright.” The wind outside had risen. The smell of the ocean had brought with it a special icy saltiness. Sebastian asked if he might smoke. “Do you mind?” “You know that I don’t”. As they started their walk, other people were making their way towards the exhibition. The place was crowded and noisy, so Sebastian slowly led Ciel away from the hustle and bustle. The young man asked: “You said you played with other things. Tell me.” “I doubt that you will like my answer, although it will be an honest one (as we have agreed).” “Then it is better if I know it.” “Well, you are right.” Sebastian lit another cigarette, and Ciel bent over the railing, peering into the blue-black water. It was at this place, just not so long ago, that Sebastian peered into it with primal awe and horror, ready to either turn his whole being inside out or fall into the ocean. Ciel only saw the ocean. Or so it seemed. “I was quite a difficult child. Are you familiar with an unconscious, ticklish curiosity about death? Children often play it — they torture little turtles or crush butterflies with stones.” Ciel shivered, either from the cold or from his thoughts. “I’ve never known it, but I understand any curiosity a child may have out of ignorance.” “Perhaps what made me different from the ordinary childish curiosity was my persistent eagerness for such experiments. It went beyond the lines, and any explanation from my nanny or my parents only made that eagerness grow bigger.” “You were led by the fact that those things were forbidden and by the desire to defy your parents’ will.” “Not at all. I just loved it. I understood why it was forbidden, but I didn’t understand why it was forbidden for me when I could and wanted to do it. I am my own master after all. Fear and horror in the other being’s eyes were a spectacular sight to behold. That thrill inside of me was incomparable to anything. To hurt, to destroy, to crush, to break, to take… to kill — it all meant to possess.” “You broke the things you loved?” “That’s right. I think my father began to suspect it and hired a drawing master in an attempt to introduce me to contemplation and creation. I started to draw…” Ciel gazed into the man’s face with anxious curiosity. “It was better not to see those drawings. My father sent me to a private Catholic school for reformation. I was eight. On the third day, I was expelled.” Ciel gasped: “What did you do?” “I showed my disdain for the sacred. A strong disdain. All in one voice, the mentors said that I would find no help there and that I could be a danger to others. I was declared possessed by a demon. My father called it nonsense and sent me to the other school, where things ended up the same, only that time I set fire to a church. But it was the last one. When I was fourteen, my father took me to France, to the strictest boarding school for boys; it was called a refuge for angels. They say even the future devils were broken in there. Perhaps I could feel it, and that was why I called for reason, or maybe… Anyway, we never reached the place: I met some writers, the friends of my father, whose circle was special and not particularly recognised in society. Nevertheless, I felt a kinship with these people, and it was them who prompted me to write. I realised that I could express myself not through my actions but much more clearly through words. I promised my father to become an exemplary person in exchange for a chance to learn from these people.” “Did you love your parents?” “I never saw them as my parents. To tell the truth, it took me quite a while to get used to life among people.” “People?.. Did you feel like an alien? Who were you then?” “I don’t know. I didn’t consider myself a human. A monster? Anything. But only something what I am… what I feel.” “You said that you killed someone… Is it true?” “When I was ten, I strangled a lamb. It was standing on a leash; I tied a rope around its neck, thin like a child’s leg, and kept it tight until…” “No, don’t continue!” Ciel gestured for Sebastian to stop and turned away. For a minute or two, they both looked at the seascape. “Ten years is a conscious age. I knew what I was doing,” said Sebastian. “No, you didn’t. Not really…” “Sometimes, Ciel, there are no excuses for our actions, even for those of children. They are what they are.” “Children aren’t born evil. They are made like this. Perhaps you were very lonely. That’s all.” “Sometimes evil is born in children. It simply chooses someone as its vessel to look at the world through their eyes. To act with their hands… This is how it keeps balance. Or do you think that evil is wrong and that it should not be?” “Of course, I do.” “And I think that evil and good are the same. There is no difference between them. They are too relative.” “What are you saying?” “I’m saying that everything is what it’s meant to be. I strangled a lamb, but it might have grown up to kill a little girl… We can’t know it. What is a man if not an insignificant piece of cosmic foam?” “So a boy who kills an innocent animal is a natural thing?” “It is… He does it because he has to, because he was created this way. However… no, you don’t understand, I can see it in your eyes.” “It’s hard to understand. I don’t see you killing anybody. I can’t and don’t want to believe that you enjoy it. The past is in the past. Besides, you were a child. And now I even think that you have told me this because you feel guilty.” “You just believe in ideals and reach for the light. You are the one I would hate to upset.” “So I try. And I…” Ciel paused. Sebastian raised his brow, anticipating to hear some interesting words: “Yes, you are what?” “I’d like to give you at least a part of this light. Although there is a lot that I can’t understand and we don’t share the same experience, it seems to me, Sebastian… that you are lost. Can it be true?” “If you say so… then it is true.” “I’m not a judge, but… I would just like to help you. I don’t know why.” “I do.” Ciel looked at the man in surprise; for some reason, he shivered again — with his thin and ephemeral neck and with his arms… as if he struggled to bear the weight of his look, as if the boy was a thin reed in the wind. Maybe I’m scaring him? thought Sebastian just before he felt a thrilling wave of joy arise within him. It engulfed him from the inside. “You are simply too good for this world,” he said aloud. The boy responded with a bitter smile. “It’s not true. And you know it. Do you remember how you said that I wanted to be better than my brother?” “Yes.” “You might be right.” Ciel turned his face towards the horizon. That made it easier for him to speak. “It angers me. It angers me so much that everything is so unfair, that I was born second and got the petty skills. Why do I always stand in the shadow while he, with my own face and with the same innate abilities, outdoes me in everything? The lucky one, everyone’s favourite, healthy, and strong… I would be happier if he was a little bad or… short-tempered, but no, he is kind instead! He loves me and always takes care of me! That is what angers me! He is an unattainable ideal, and I’m — who looks the same — no match for him. I will never catch up with him, never. And this ‘why’ had been hanging above me since I was a child. I’m catching air with my hand, trying to catch what I can’t… or what may not exist! Here is the paradox. And I get angry at my own anger, and it makes me feel guilty. ‘Why do I have these feelings if he loves me? Why am I so disgusting? I’m not even capable of loving anyone other than myself.’ That’s what I think. And… it’s hard for me to live with it. This is a fight that I will never win. And you call me too good! I may be the worst in the family!” A bitter laughter followed his words. Ciel lifted his head to meet a strange gaze. “Why are you looking at me like that? Am I disgusting to you now?” Ciel smirked bitterly, but Sebastian just smiled, his smile soft and tender. “Quite the contrary. Your eyes lit up so brightly that I thought, ‘Here it is — pure and beautiful sincerity towards oneself.’ You can’t be disgusting to me. You are what you are, and I like every side of you.” “It cannot be.” Sebastian laughed. “Ciel, you are caught red-handed.” The young man looked at Sebastian perplexed, and he explained: “Doesn’t your God love unconditionally? You don’t believe in unconditional love?” “I do. I don’t believe that men are capable of it. It’s not… given to everyone. Otherwise, humanity would have long lived in paradise on earth, and there would have been no saints.” “You are right in this. But miracles do happen, and I’ll tell you a secret: they happen in the dark. It’s only there that such unconditional love can be born. Most of the light is fake. So I turned to darkness for a reason.” The blue eyes looked suspiciously into those of a deep mahogany. “Turned to darkness? What does it mean?” “Face to face.” “And what does that mean?” repeated Ciel. “It is a metaphor, my dear friend.” “Then why are you asking for help?” “You’ll see.” “I’m afraid you confuse me. I can’t see your point.” “All in good time; no need to rush thing. We are already in a hurry, don’t you think?” “You are the one who started it.” “Oh, no, no, no!” Sebastian stopped and pointed at Ciel’s chest. “I’m not the one who read the book and gave myself a verdict.” Ciel reddened. “Yes, but…” “And neither did you. It was only a turn of events. You and I were meant to meet each other. Don’t you think so?” “Perhaps… perhaps,” Ciel frowned, “it did occur to me. Anyway, you are not like anyone I know.” “There is something I need to teach you and something you need to teach me. It’s a mutual trade. It is as if we are tied, “Sebastian rolled the cigarette between his fingers, “with a thread.” The young man’s face lit up. “Red thread of fate?” Sebastian made a sceptical face. “It is more suitable for lovers, and you and I are friends. Let it be white.” After these words, something fearful, bright, and excited flashed in the eyes of Ciel. He only nodded and hurried to mutter: “Yes. Of course. I just remembered a Japanese legend…” Sebastian grinned at him indulgently and shrugged his slender shoulders. “I suppose we should return to the others. They have lost us.” Ciel nodded again and followed the man. “Maybe we’ll be in time to rescue Gabriel.” “You have a plan?” “To call him aside and lead him away from the dolls.” “How cunning!”