The dark side of your heart

It had gotten dark, and the guests started to say goodbye little by little, smiling once again, pinching cheeks, giving each other bone-crushing hugs and shaking hands, with the promise to see one another soon again, which was however just a mere act of courtesy. Antonio saw off his mother as well. She hugged, kissed and caressed him an uncountable number of times, as if she didn't want to leave her son again and needed to touch him as much as possible to be able to endure the time until their next meeting. "I'll be okay, I promise," he skillfully lied to her and kissed her hands, as she removed them from his face. She shot him a weird look, as if trying to believe in his words, then gave him another couple of kisses on each cheek and finally left together with other relatives. The Spaniard was standing at the doorstep, until he couldn't see her anymore, and only then allowed himself to wipe the smile from his face and let out an exhausted sigh, trying to keep himself on his feet and not succumb to the fatigue from having to bear all that theater. "And Lovino? I wonder if he already went home," he asked himself, after noticing that there was another guest he didn't remember having said goodbye to. He assumed that maybe the Italian had left without a word, but he didn't remember having seen him leaving the house either, no, not even having seen him at all after they had hidden together in the closet. Perhaps he was still in that room. Antonio reluctantly dragged himself upstairs, feeling his feet heavy like a lead weight, and entered the room, but didn't find anyone except for Tortuga, who was wildly scratching the closet's doors. "Hey hey hey, stop that," scolded Antonio and picked him up. The cat meowed several times, indicating to the Spaniard that something was in the closet. "No way... is he still inside?" He carefully opened the doors, spotting Lovino curled up in one of the closet's corners and sleeping soundly. Again, oddly covering his ears while he slept. The Spaniard bent down, letting the cat approach Lovino and rub up against the latter's crossed legs. Then Antonio put on a gentle smile, listening to the calm, quiet breathing of the other man, who seemed so different without that eternal frown and the mistrust on his face, almost like a normal guy. A really cute guy. "You look like a child," whispered Antonio, trying not to laugh and contemplating the Italian some more time, until he decided to look more closely at him. Suddenly, Lovino didn't look that calm anymore... from one moment to the next, Antonio got the impression that the other one still looked like a child, but now rather like a frightened child, judging by the way how his fingers were clutching his ears and how his entire body was curled up into a ball, as if he had been trying to protect himself from something. And apart from that, it wasn't normal to fall asleep in something like a closet, when having the entire room to one's disposal. "Why are you so scared?" pronounced the Spaniard in a barely audible voice and without thinking twice carefully stroked Lovino's cheek with his index and middle finger, hearing the other moan something in his sleep, until slowly opening his eyes. "What're you doing?" asked Lovino sleepily, making Antonio quickly hide his hand behind his back, as if it was a gun or something like that. "Nothing, absolutely nothing," he answered nervously and got up, while Tortuga was begging for Lovino's attention. The Italian let out a long yawn and rubbed his eyes with one hand, while petting the cat's head with the other. The animal purred contently. "I didn't think you'd fall asleep in a place like this, to be honest, I'm really surprised you were actually able to," commented Antonio, offering Lovino his hand to help him stand up. The Italian was trying to wake up completely and got out, followed by Tortuga, who had gotten what he wanted and left. "Did they already leave?" changed Lovino the topic, not wanting to tell Antonio, that for him, it wasn't surprising at all to be able to sleep in a closet, since he had been doing it his entire childhood. "Yeah, finally," replied the Spaniard, while they were both leaving the room. Lovino noticed through one of the windows that it was already dark outside. Time to head home. Antonio accompanied him to the door, thanked him and apologized for making him endure his family. Naturally, Lovino assured him that it would be the first and the last time of him doing something like that for the other, but the Spaniard wanted to believe that he wasn't serious. When Lovino opened the door, he was instantly forced to back off, seeing someone with green eyes and blond hair almost jumping at him. A young woman had been standing behind the door, ready to run towards the person who would open it, but had to stop, still with extended arms, when she saw someone else than the one she was waiting for. 《Who's this handsome guy?》 Lovino heard her think that, having her face very close to him. "Emma, what are you doing here?" asked Antonio this time, who had been standing behind Lovino, and came out. She smiled again, ran past the Italian and threw herself into the Spaniard's arms. "Antonio! I didn't see you for so long, you're a scumbag for having forgotten about me," she yelled excitedly, wrapping her arms around his neck and swinging from side to side without any intention to let him go. Antonio also hugged her warmly by her hips. Lovino stepped away from them, feeling like a fifth wheel and asking himself constantly, who that girl actually was, who was hugging Antonio for almost three entire minutes already and bombarding the latter's cheek with kisses. His girlfriend? No, he had only recently heard that he didn't have one. A girl he liked? Perhaps... that could be very well the case, since was hearing how happy Antonio was inside. Not wanting to interrupt that scene... no, rather not wanting to continue watching them, Lovino rapidly turned around to leave, but after making barely four steps, he felt his arm being pulled. "Wait, handsome guy! You haven't presented yourself yet! Who are you and what did you do in Antonio's house?" The young woman had caught up with him and put on a suspicious, but radiant smile. 《Interesting, I'm sure that there's something going on between Antonio and this guy, I can almost smell it.》 Lovino looked at her for a moment. He didn't want to be rude to her, as she was a girl after all, but he didn't like being grabbed by the arm with such force and also the way she stared at him, as if impatiently waiting for an answer. No, he didn't like being the center of attention. Was she maybe jealous? But why be it due to the mere fact that another guy was leaving the house of the one she liked? "Hey hey, Em. Who's that?" A new, lower voice joined them, and a sturdy guy with dark skin and dreadlocks, who was a bit a shorter than Antonio, approached them calmly. "Guillermo, you're here too," said the surprised Antonio, making the other put on a giant smile on his a little more severe face than his own. Guillermo went to Emma and put his arm around her shoulder, making her bend down a bit due to his force. "So, who is this guy?" he asked again, ignoring Antonio. Emma smiled playfully and got closer to whisper something into his ear. 《Toño's boyfriend?》 As soon as Lovino heard that guy's thought, the entire blood in his body seemed to suddenly flow to his cheeks, making his face burn. "Are you Toño's boyfriend?" inquired the other one immediately with a strong accent. "Stop it!" yelled Antonio, running up to them and separating Lovino from that dangerous duo. This time, it was the Spaniard's face that turned red like a traffic light. Emma burst out laughing, amused by their both reactions and mainly because Lovino was so baffled by that question that he couldn't utter a word, while the Spaniard looked as if he wanted to be swallowed up by the earth. "Stop pestering him." Another voice made its presence. It was calmer, but low as well, and transmitting a certain authority. A blond guy with green eyes, who looked very similar to Emma, joined them and everyone fell silent, as if that was a general's order. However, Emma and Guillermo still giggled from time to time. "Vincent... I didn't expect you either," commented Antonio, looking at the latter, who had an icy expression on his face and a cigarette in his mouth that he constantly took into his hand. After a slightly uncomfortable silence, Lovino calmed down and took advantage of the fact, that the girl had let go of him, to flee. "Ah, I have to go," he just said, but the others seemed to disagree with that. "But we haven't even introduced ourselves to each other, tell us who you are," demanded the girl, pouting. "Antonio's boyfriend, of course, you don't get anything, don't you?", said Guillermo, playfully patting her back with a force that made her do a few steps forward. "No... I'm not, nothing like that!" exclaimed the angry and terribly embarrassed Lovino, raising his voice, as if that would convince these two, who looked at each other like accomplices and started to laugh again. "That's true, Lovino's just my friend and neighbor. Lovino, these are my cousins Emma, Guillermo and Vincent," introduced Antonio, trying to somehow hide his face. The first two cousins greeted the Italian with a lot of excitement, only Vincent stayed calm and maintained a stoic face. "Nice to meet you," uttered Lovino between clenched teeth, just wanting to leave already, so bad that he got ready to walk off towards his house. "Don't be mean, Antonio, invite him to have dinner with us," begged Emma. "We want to get to know your friend," she added with a suspicious undertone. 《He doesn't seem to be the kind of person Antonio would usually become friends with, there must be something special about him, I wanna know what it is.》 Lovino slightly frowned, sensing a bad intention from these words. He knew, he perfectly knew that he was a freak and an antisocial, there was nothing special about him... and he didn't want to confirm that to her. "Emma, don't be so rude, maybe he has other things to do," she was scolded by Vincent, whose voice was calm, but did have a reprehensive tone. She just pouted as though she was six years old. 《That buzzkill again. We just want to know the truth, it's more than obvious that they're not just friends. Just look how Toño's staring at that guy.》 "Hombre, we just want to know what's going on between the two of them. Look at Toño, he'll start to drool any moment, if he keeps staring at that guy like this," said Guillermo without any restraint nor tactfulness. "I told you to stop it!" screamed Antonio as if begging him to shut his mouth. Lovino started staring at that guy with dreadlocks: the latter said everything that came to his mind, without even wasting a thought about the fact that he could offend or hurt somebody with his words. Just thought it and pronounced it. Vincent let out a sigh, mixed with his cigarette's smoke, and turned to the Italian, whose eyes were fixed at Guillermo, who didn't stop gossiping together with Emma about the real relationship between him and the Spaniard. "As you can see, these two won't leave you in peace until you accept, so it'd be better if you did," recommended the blond, took a last pull, dropped the butt on the ground and stepped on it, before turning to Antonio. "And now? Won't you let us enter?" he asked in a slightly aggressive tone. The Spaniard frowned a bit, like Lovino had seen him doing very rarely, more precisely, only during the first days of knowing him. "Of course, come in," he then agreed and returned to the door. Vincent was the first to enter. The hostility between the two of them was palpable, and they both thought about how much they didn't like each other. "Let's go, Lovino, you can't escape," said Emma, clung to the Italian's arm again and winked at him, guiding him (or better said, forcing him) into the house. What was he doing here? And why did he have to be dragged into Antonio's world again?.. He didn't want to, didn't want to be surrounded once again by people, who would think a thousand bad things about the Spaniard for sure, didn't want to be stared at, now also with that stupid idea that he was the latter's boyfriend. It was dumb... they were dumb... because what person in their right mind would want to be together with him like that? Not even Antonio was that big of an idiot. "Tell us, Lovino: how did you and Antonio become friends?" inquired Emma with a catlike smile on her lips, sitting next to her cousin, who really looked as though he didn't want anything more than to dig a hole right there and stick his head into it forever. 《A romantic encounter? Did they meet by chance? Love at first sight? Ahhhhh... I wanna know absolutely everything.》 "Tell me better what you guys are doing here," changed Antonio the topic, with still red cheeks. "Well, today's supposed to be a family reunion in your house, and here we are, your family in your house," replied Guillermo, shrugging and accommodating his sturdy body on the couch. "True, but that was in the afternoon, everyone left already," commented the Spaniard. This time, it was Vincent's turn to answer, while lighting another cigarette. "We didn't want to meet those people," he said calmly. 《They can't be called family.》 He added in his thoughts, without showing it on his face. "We did want to say hello to aunt Isabel, but there were also the others, and you know we never liked this. That's why we decided to arrive later and look, what surprise we got," explained Emma, turning to Lovino again, who did a little jump. Now he knew what other people felt like when he looked at them, this girl seemed to dissect him with her eyes. "But I'm glad that Lovino was here with you, so it wasn't that bad for you at least," she remarked with a smile. 《I was worried sick! You always pretend as if nothing could affect you, and it's so frustrating that you never tell us what's the matter with you... despite knowing that we're always there for you. Why're you insisting so much on carrying all this weight alone? Idiot.》 Lovino felt a chill crawling down his spine, and this time it was him who started staring at her, while she continued smiling, and then examined the other two cousins, who seemed to agree with her in their thoughts. 《Emma was so anxious. That's why I don't like him so much: making her worry like that and acting so strong, but we all know that it's not like that, that he just doesn't open his mouth to ask for help... how I hate him.》 Vincent said in his inner voice, averting his gaze from the Spaniard and directing it instead at the glowing end of his cigarette, as though pretending that he wasn't thinking about anything. "That's how you've been all your life, right, Toño? We all know that you hate these reunions as much as we do, 'cause our people don't hide what they think about you, and you pretend like it's nothing. We're not idiots, that's the real reason why we came." And, of course, Guillermo had to say everything he was thinking about again. Antonio looked at his cousins and put on that smiling face that he had crafted during so many years. "No clue, what you're talking about. Yeah, our family may have some defects, but it's not as bad as you say. God, you're so dramatic." 《I'm alright, I have to be alright... come on, make them believe you're alright, like you always do. You already did it before, so you can do it again. Just say that you're alright.》 Still smiling, Antonio placed his hand on Emma's head to gently stroke her hair, while Vincent was shaking his head and Guillermo got up in order to slap the Spaniard on the top of his head. The latter screamed out of pain and Lovino did a little jump, when he heard the sound that quite powerful hit produced. "You think we're dumb, or what? Toño, we've known you all our lives and also know about all the things that happened to you, so don't you treat us like your friend, that snobbish Frenchman, and your other friend, the megalomaniac albino," scolded him the Cuban with his Caribbean accent, while Antonio was rubbing the place where he had been hit and lowering his gaze, so no one could see the tears in his eyes. "He's right, you've been like this your whole life," agreed Vincent in a calmer tone than Guillermo. Then he turned towards Lovino, who absolutely didn't get that weird family dynamic. "One time when he was a child, he fell down and hurt his knees. Emma got so scared when she saw the blood that she started crying, and Antonio was smiling at her with a face full of tears, crying because his knees hurt, as if Emma would believe that he's alright," Vincent narrated, pointing with his thumb at Antonio, who suddenly raised his bright red face. Emma remembered that incident as well and burst out laughing. "True! I remember it well, and I'm still wondering how you were able to smile and cry at the same time. You couldn't even walk." "Don't tell these things in Lovino's presence!" screeched the mortified Antonio. Strangely, the Italian didn't find it odd to hear that Antonio had been like this since childhood: the boy, who was pretending to be strong at any cost, so that others would be alright. Everyone apart from Lovino started laughing and telling similar anecdotes, where Antonio, who had been like a leader and big brother for them in the past, used to take care of them and smile at them whenever something scary happened, to calm them down. Sometimes Francis appeared in those memories as well, since he was his childhood friend and also nearly part of his family. They were laughing, and a warm atmosphere filled the room. Between the words spoken out loud, Lovino could hear the thoughts and feelings emerging from that conversation... nostalgia, melancholia, but also affection and happiness. Hidden secrets and old desires, wishes, directed to shooting stars in the middle of an improvisational camping in the yard, the fleeting fear from a scary story, accompanied by the glow of a flashlight, the sweet taste of sneaked in candy, the sense of security and protection by another hand that wasn't bigger than your own and transmitted a pleasant warmth. He perceived the voice of a small Antonio, who forced himself to grow up and become an adult, for the sake of his mother's smile, but there were also the three cousins and Francis, trying to somehow reciprocate the care they received from him. And like that, Lovino realized that sometimes even people you wouldn't expect it from could have this kind of emotions and thoughts, emanating a warmth that burned in your cheat. But at the same time, while he was looking at them and hearing their laughter and these "Do you remember when...", mixed with that collection of memories and feelings that seemed to come out in heaps from an old treasure chest, while watching them sharing the exact same memories of old and new days... the Italian started to be aware of his own loneliness again. Yes, he did have Feliciano at his side... but his memories consisted of nothing but fear, hiding under the bed or in the closet, and fits of rage and pain. Secrets as well, but only Feliciano's. His childhood and his life in general were just a series of bitter moments that made him condemn himself to an absolute loneliness. "Right!" exclaimed Emma all of a sudden, pulling Lovino away from his dark thoughts. She looked at Antonio and placed her hands on his shoulders. "Your guitar, do you still have it?" she asked, and the Spaniard nodded. "Then bring it here, let's sing that song for Lovino, the one we wrote when we were 16." "What? No, that song was horrible and my guitar's a bit old. Not to mention that I haven't played for years." "Don't be so mean, I'm sure Lovino wants to hear you play." The young woman now turned towards the Italian, who hadn't said a word during all that time. "I'm not saying this because he's my favorite cousin, but you should know that Antonio's guitar skills are sure something," she praised the Spaniard, who murmured "not true" between clenched teeth and blushed even more, if that was still possible. "I'd like to hear it," said Lovino, which sounded really odd coming from him, since it was the very first time he sounded genuinely interested in something that had to do with Antonio. And as if these were the magic words, the latter suddenly jumped up. His eyes had a weird shine in them, which, together with their green color, made them look almost extraterrestrial. "Be right back!" he announced excitedly and ran off to find his instrument. Guillermo giggled, mocking him. "Well done, Lovino, that was exactly what he needed: the right words from the right person," said Emma, showing him a thumbs up. "And these two still try to deny that they're a couple," added Guillermo, laughing together with Emma, as if they were accomplices in some complot or something like that. Vincent, for his part, was just smoking in silence, completely ignoring them. Antonio returned, blowing the dust off from his guitar, and strummed it for a moment to make sure that the strings were still working well. Then he quickly tuned the instrument and nodded when he was done. "I hope you haven't forgotten that song," said Emma in a menacing tone, as the Spaniard sat down next to her. "Of course not, it was me who composed it after all. You were only singing," he mocked her, making her pout. "That's because my voice is much more melodious than yours," she justified herself, then cleared her throat and solemnly stood up, turning to her audience. "This is a song that Antonio and me wrote TOGETHER when we were 16 years old. I hope you like it," she announced. Next, she cleared her throat again, breathed deeply and gave Antonio a signal with her hand, indicating him that he could begin. Lovino was observing them both, but mainly Antonio, who underwent a radical change, turning his artificial smile into an expression of pure concentration. He was giving the impression that everything around him had disappeared and nothing was left except him and his guitar. The song started with a slow melody and Emma's sad voice, who in a few seconds also turned from that lively girl into a woman with eyes that were a bit gloomy, but still alive. She sang the first verses with a sweet, however slightly melancholic voice, perfectly harmonizing with the guitar's chords. "I can't stand to have you here So worn out Cold and dehydrated The fortune's spent And dad's in space" The rhythm changed a bit, the music got louder and Emma's voice jumped up a few notes, while she raised her head a little, just like Antonio, who moved his and also his lips, silently following the lyrics. "Every home should have a mom in love And a daddy in space Chinese porcelain cats to guard her love In the window space Show her some respect she's all worn down" Lovino kept an eye on Antonio's expression, who already seemed completely absent, far away from that place and everything going on in his head, absolutely lost in that song and in old images from his past, the scenes he didn't want to show anyone. But Lovino could see them... or at least hear. He heard the little boy, who didn't understand his father's death, the boy who wanted to cry but couldn't because his mother was already doing that in her room. The teenager who was forced to become an adult way too early... the Italian could hear all these different facets of Antonio, mixed with the lyrics of that song. "For years to come I will not forget you As my son, as my pain Time will heal What now feels so wounded Tears are spilled And the holes will fill" Then the chorus repeated itself, and Emma clenched her fists in front of her chest, while singing what Antonio was repeating soundlessly. In the end, the Spaniard was playing alone, still exactly remembering all the chords and the strings he had to strum, although his fingers were still a bit stiff. After a few more seconds, the song ended and Antonio returned from his past to his present again. Their little audience was silent for a moment and then started to clap. Lovino did that too, however less effusively than Guillermo, who even pretended to wipe off some invisible tears from the corners of his eyes. Emma took a bow, while being applauded now by Antonio as well. "Emma, I told you so many times already that you're a diva, but I like rumba better," said Guillermo, getting up and approaching her. "Hey, Antonio, play something we can dance to, and you, come here." He offered his hand to the young woman, who accepted it and was promptly made to spin around her own axis. Then Guillermo wrapped his arm around her hips, while Antonio immediately started to play something with more rhythm like the other had asked him to. 《This woman needs more flesh on her bones, she doesn't even have real curves.》 That was what Lovino heard the Cuban think, when the two of them started dancing in the middle of the room, under the music of Antonio's guitar. But the Italian assumed that not even Guillermo would be insensitive enough to say that to a woman, however... "Hey Emma, what you need is a bit more fat on that body of yours, how do you plan to have kids with such slim hips?" "Don't you dare talk to my sister like that," snapped Vincent at Guillermo, while Emma was blushing and laughing. But suddenly, another laugh was heard among their voices, one that tried to be choked down. Everybody turned around towards Lovino, who was covering his mouth with both hands. The three cousins didn't find it weird to see him laugh, but for Antonio that was something like witnessing a miracle, an epiphany. Lovino was laughing! And it wasn't a cruel laugh that he had heard from him back then directed at his friends, no, it was real, and he didn't understand, why he was trying to hide it so bad... Lovino looked so good while laughing that Antonio was feeling himself falling in love with him once again. They passed the rest of the evening with laughter and a lot of food. Antonio's family seemed to have a really odd relationship with food, since they suddenly looked a lot happier as soon as various dishes were placed on the little table in the living room. Forgetting about the couches, they sat down on the floor and helped themselves. Lovino did that as well. Food was something special for him too, because if there was something that did make him almost happy, it was cooking, almost always together with his brother, and also eating, so he didn't hesitate to join them in their improvisational feast. This, too, was odd for Antonio to watch, as the last time he had invited (or rather forced) him to a meal, it all had ended in a disaster. However, perhaps Antonio wasn't aware of the fact that both situations couldn't be compared to each other. This time Lovino was also hearing noise in his ears and had a slight headache, but it was different... there were no thoughts explicitly addressed at him, no one was judging him... just a group of people, who wanted to have a good time, and maybe this was the reason, why he was letting his guard down for a moment and just let himself be carried away in order to learn what a fun reunion was like. That was an absolute novelty for the Italian. The meal ended, and they passed their time talking, until the night came. Emma was feeling a bit sleepy, just like Guillermo, who, of course, started yawning openly, without any tactfulness. But no one seemed bothered by that, they just knew him too well and also that he would never change, no matter what they would say to him. "We need to go, we have work tomorrow," announced Vincent, getting up. "Don't you three want to sleep here? I have a lot of room," invited Antonio. "You live in the middle of nowhere, we'll need an eternity to reach the town tomorrow," said Emma, going with her brother. Guillermo followed them. "Alright, then be careful," answered Antonio, accompanying them to the door together with Lovino. They said goodbye one after another. Vincent was the coldest one, while Guillermo gave both Antonio and Lovino tight hugs that almost broke their bones. Finally, Emma was a bit more delicate, hugging and kissing them, making the Italian a little nervous; for him, who wasn't used to physical contact with strangers at all, being hugged and kissed by a girl was something completely unfamiliar. "Take good care of Antonio," she whispered into his ear, while giving him one last kiss on the cheek, and sweetly smiled at him, before turning around to leave. And just as they were leaving the house, a certain cat, who had been roaming somewhere, returned home. "Tortuga!" rejoiced Emma, picking him up before he could enter the house. The cat didn't object. "Look how you've grown! When I brought you to Antonio, you were just a tiny, little thing." She returned to the two guys and handed the cat to Lovino, who had already suspected that it was her who had given Tortuga to Antonio. "Take care of this little one as well, he's special," she said to the Italian, petted Tortuga a bit and then left for real, catching up with the other two. Lovino looked at the animal in his arms, who was comfortably licking his paw and then cleaning his ear and face with it. "Sorry for having made you stay, but I didn't even know myself that they'd come," apologized Antonio bashfully. Lovino shook his head and let the cat on the ground, so that the latter could enter the house. "Your cousins are really weird, but not bad people," he said, thinking about the cheerful girl, who was so worried about Antonio, about Guillermo, the only person he knew, who was able to say out loud everything he was thinking, and about Vincent, that stoic and slightly cold guy, who, however also was keeping good thoughts in his mind. The Italian turned to Antonio, who was staring at him and blinking with his eyes wide open, making him frown. "What's wrong?" asked Lovino, annoyed by that strange expression. "Nothing... nothing, I just find it strange to hear something like that from you. I really thought you hated everyone," replied the smiling Spaniard and Lovino wanted to disagree, but couldn't... after realizing what he had said just now, he started finding it pretty strange himself. Didn't he spend his entire life thinking that all people were a bunch of liars, of hypocrites, who only sought their own happiness? "But I'm happy, I could swear that you had fun with them. I've never seen you so cheerful," said Antonio, upsetting Lovino. "I didn't have fun, you idiot! It's just that they're... don't know... like I said, weird, but I don't hate them," objected the Italian, averting his gaze. A slight blush appeared on his cheeks and made his face glow, that he turned away, hiding it from Antonio. 《Stop that... don't do this to me...》 Lovino turned back towards the Spaniard, as soon as he heard that thought that sounded like a supplication. The other's expression had changed: now he looked completely spellbound, and the Italian had no clue why. 《Why? Why are you like that?... I can't take this anymore, that's way too much. It's all your fault!》 Lovino got scared. Antonio had sounded really serious. Did he do something wrong? He thought about everything he had done that day, but wasn't able to find anything that could have made Antonio think like that. "What the..." But before Lovino could finish his sentence, he was suddenly pushed against the door frame, what caused a slight pain in his back, and then immediately felt the other's lips on his, making him jump and release a scream into the Spaniard's mouth. Antonio was holding his shoulders tightly, as if he didn't want to let him go. 《Nooooo! I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot! What am I doing? What am I doing? Let him, let him go and say you're sorry! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stop it! Stop ruining everything!》 But Antonio's body insisted on contradicting his loud thoughts completely, and he pressed himself even tighter against Lovino, who was trembling from head to toe, not knowing whether he should listen to the screams of the Spaniard's heart, push him away or just continue standing there without doing anything. 《He'll hate me, Lovino'll hate me, if he doesn't do that already... I don't want this, Lovino, please don't hate me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me... I beg you... I'm really sorry.》 Antonio seemed as though he would start to cry any moment and infected Lovino with his panic, who closed his eyes tightly and placed his hands right on the Spaniard's cheeks, to calm him down a bit. Lovino was scared as well, so scared that he would have run away if he wasn't pinned against the wall by Antonio. It was embarrassing to admit, but he had never kissed anyone in his 23 years of life and didn't know that such a bunch of thoughts filled with fear and remorse was even possible during that short time one kiss lasted. But Antonio did calm down when he felt the Italian's hands on his cheeks. 《What?.. He doesn't want to hit me?.. He won't punch me in the face? But then this means that...》 Antonio cracked his eyes open a bit and saw Lovino standing there, frowning and with his eyes closed shut. A giggle escaped the Spaniard's lips, and he raised his hands from Lovino's shoulders to his neck, making him shudder and brushing his thumbs against the Italian's earlobes. 《He looks like a kid again, he really shouldn't hold his breath for so long...》 As soon as he heard that thought, Lovino let out the air he had been holding in and his tense body relaxed considerably. Antonio's lips weren't now that rough and uncomfortable anymore, but instead caressing his mouth as though they longed for a closer contact. 《If only he opened his mouth a bit more.》 And Lovino did. Shyly and a bit hesitating, he slightly opened his mouth, now feeling the other's tongue caressing his lower lip, making the hairs stand up on the back of his neck and creating a strange feeling in his stomach. So this was what a kiss felt like... it was so weird, as if he could suffocate any moment but then could breathe again, while sensing Antonio's nose brushing against his own, the other's warm breath on his face and the slightly shaking hands on his neck. 《Oh Dios, I'm so happy I could die right here and there.》 Hearing this, Lovino couldn't avoid letting out a deep sigh, because maybe, just maybe, he was feeling the same.