Don't let go

She had just finished with the shower, put on her slacks and a top when she heard a knock on the door. Seriously? What was going on with him? She had fully expected to find him sitting on her sofa in the living room. She came down the stairs, approached the door and opened it, finding Jarod on her doorstep. “Hi,” he said. Parker looked at him, noticing small changes in his appearance. She hadn’t seen him in almost five months – the fact that drove her father and Lyle crazy, but evoked a strange wistful feeling in her. She still forbade herself to think about that but it was getting harder and harder. He looked thinner, she noticed, and his hair was shorter. His eyes were sad and tired. “May I come in? I’m kind of exposed up here,” he asked with a small smile. Parker realized she stood in his way. She stepped aside, letting him in. He went to the center of the living room and turned around. “You look well,” he said, still smiling. Parker hesitated. Had he ever complimented her before? If so, she couldn’t remember that. His words made her uneasy for some reason. With her hair wet and in her home clothes, she didn’t feel as confident as she’d liked to. She closed the door and said, “Hello, Jarod.” Well, this was awkward. For several moments they just stood there, looking at each other until Jarod lifted a paper folder he held in his hands for her to see. “As I said, I have something to show you,” he told her and then added, “Can we sit somewhere?” “Let’s go to the kitchen,” she offered and led the way. Without asking, she put the kettle on the stove and took two cups and teabags from the cupboard. The sense of foreboding washed over her. What was in the folder? Jarod remained silent while she prepared tea, and only when she sat down facing him over the tabletop, he said, “They’ve been condemned. Life sentence for both of them.” Parker knew immediately whom he referred to. The rapists. Her rapists. She felt suddenly numb, not sure she wanted to know details. She looked at the folder Jarod had put in front of him and then up at his face. “Is this...?” “Yes, it’s a copy of the case materials. Starting from the preliminary investigation to the court verdict.” He tapped the folder with his forefinger. “Be careful, there are pictures of them and–” “How did you do that? I’ve never filed a report,” she interrupted him, her eyes suddenly wide. “You didn’t do it without my consent?” A dreadful thought passed through her mind of her story being dragged through the police investigation without her even knowing about it. “Of course, not!” exclaimed Jarod, dismayed. “Your privacy has been violated enough. It’s just that you weren’t their only victim, nor were you the last one.” Parker breathed out, relaxing a little. Then the meaning of what he had said came to her. “How many?” she asked, not even knowing if she wanted the answer. “We managed to prove eight cases,” Jarod said. “You’re being the ninth. Or rather, eighth. The ninth…” Jarod swallowed hard and looked down at his hands lying on the tabletop in front of him. “She didn’t survive.” Parker felt the breath caught in her throat. She stared at Jarod, horrified. Then she remembered. “The last time you called… you told me someone died, someone connected to me…” Jarod nodded. “I had just received the news. I… I couldn’t save her, wasn’t fast enough,” he said, and his face twisted with pain and regret. “It was only after that I traced one of them. The other was easy.” Parker surprised herself by reaching across the table and putting her hand over Jarod’s. He looked up at her sharply. “I’m sorry, Jarod,” she whispered. “I’m sure you’ve done everything you could.” “Yeah, but that wasn’t good enough, was it?” He closed his eyes and added, “She was just nineteen.” Not knowing what else to say, Parker squeezed his fingers and sighed. Their tea grew cold, but they didn’t even notice. “I couldn’t stop thinking, that it could have been you,” he said so quietly that she barely heard him. “I looked at the pictures and I saw your face, your body.” That was why he had called her, she realized. To hear her voice, to make sure, she was alive. Parker licked her lips. Maybe she was able to ignore her own feelings, but there was no way she could convince herself not to notice or understand what Jarod told her so easily between the lines. What had happened to her had obviously affected him almost as bad. She let go of his hand and reached further, touching his cheek. His eyes flew open. “I’m okay, Jarod,” she said. “You’ve helped me.” Jarod lifted his hand and took her fingers in his, bringing their hands down to the tabletop. He let out a shuddering breath. “Are you?” She smiled. “Yes. Well, almost,” she admitted. “But I’m on my way there.” He nodded thoughtfully as if agreeing with his own thoughts then released her hand and stood up abruptly. “I need to go,” he said and went to the backdoor. Startled, she looked at his retreating back. He was running away, she realized. But why? “Jarod, wait!” she called after him, also standing. He froze, not turning around, and then, just like that, she understood. It was funny how he knew what she was going to ask of him even before she herself knew. She might even have laughed if her heart suddenly wasn’t threatening to jump out of her chest. He stood with his back to her, his shoulders slumped, as if awaiting a blow. “Jarod?” He turned around slowly and met her gaze. “Would you do something for me?” she asked, noticing that her voice shook a little. He smiled humorlessly. “I find it rather hard to deny you anything lately,” he noticed bitterly. “So, ask away.” Parker knew that this was very important for some reason. Not what she wanted to ask of him itself (though it was important to her), but the reason he tried to walk away before she’d had a chance to do so. And if she did it wrongly, she would lose much more than she could gain. Was she ready to risk it? Oh, yes, she was, she decided. “Would you spend the night with me?” she asked. He didn’t move, he didn’t look surprised either. “Why me?” he asked after a moment, that felt like an eternity. She frowned, uncomprehended. “What?” Jarod swallowed hard. “Why do you ask me? Is it because I’m convenient? Because you feel safe with me? Because I’m ‘not that kind of man”? Or is there another reason?” She couldn’t read him, and that made her even more nervous. Why was he asking such questions? Would he refuse? “Does your answer depend on my reasoning?” she asked. Jarod lowered his gaze for a second, then looked at her once again. “No,” he said. “Only my further actions.” Parker went around the table and came closer, studying his face. “Care to elaborate?” He smiled again, and his tender smile made her heart ache. “I will stay with you tonight. Of course I will, how can I turn you down, Miss Parker? I’m a man, whatever you think of me, and men are weak. But if that’s all you want from me, I will leave in the morning.” The relief she had started to feel at his first words turned into confusion. She stared at him, frowning. “What do you mean?” “I mean no more breadcrumbs, no more phone calls, no more quests. I’ve been used my entire life, Parker – my mind and my body,” he said simply. “I can’t take it anymore, not from you.” He thought she wanted to use him just one more time, she realized. And why wouldn’t he? Through the years he had as much as told her about his feelings for her several times. It was not his fault she preferred to ignore his words and deeds. But until several months ago she had never used him in any way. Their relationship was simple, or so she had told herself: he ran and she chased. But after the rape things had changed, and she took his help for granted, not knowing or rather not wanting to know what his help had costed him. She had just assumed he would do whatever she wanted, because… What? Parker came very close to Jarod and stopped just a few inches away, looking at him. “Do you love me?” she asked. He swallowed hard, but didn’t look away. “Why?” he asked back and then bitterly added, “Isn’t it enough that I'm willing to offer you my body? Why do you need to dissect my heart?” She looked at him – really looked at him – as if she was seeing him for the first time. He reminded her of a cornered, injured animal with nothing left to lose. Now, after she hadn’t let him to flee, he was ready to fight. But she didn’t want to fight with him. What had happened to her had cost him dearly; helping her and doing what she had asked had stripped him of all the protective barriers he might still had left. She had already taken so much that there was almost nothing left for him. And now she needed even more. And he obviously was not sure how he would cope after she left him with nothing but emptiness. How didn’t she see it before? Parker knew him so well, but she had ignored that knowledge until recently. She had ignored her own feelings and needs because admitting they were real would be a weakness. It was a threat to both of them. Jarod was standing in front of her, looking anywhere but her now as if scared that she might read the answer to her question in his eyes. As if her knowing the truth would destroy the last piece of his strength. Or maybe he was afraid to see indifference in her own eyes? To see the proof that he was nothing but a handy tool for her to use to regain control of her life. Didn’t he know that she needed him? Not just for one night. He was a part of her just as she was a part of him, they defied one another, and she doubted that they could truly live separate lives. It was possible that they wouldn't have developed such a strong dependency on each other if the Centre hadn't intervened, but it had. So in her moment of weakness, she desperately needed him to be there for her. She wanted him to stay in her life. But she also had to give him what he needed to heal from the damage she had caused him. She needed him to be whole again so that she could be, too. That pained her to see how everything that had happened affected him. And to think that, on top of that, he thought that he’d done all of that for someone who couldn’t care less about him… She had to show him how she felt without losing herself in the process. “After you’ve disappeared, I felt as if I was left in a vacuum,” she told him, then chuckled bitterly. “It was so strange, that nobody tortured me with crazy riddles, outdated jokes, cryptic calls in the middle of the night.” Jarod didn’t smile at her clumsy attempt at humor, didn’t look at her, but he was listening. Waiting. Parker didn’t know how to say what she wanted to tell him, so she took the last step forward and pressed her cheek to his, breathing in his scent and closing her eyes, willing him to understand. She felt him tense for a moment. “Don’t freak out, Jarod,” she whispered. “And don’t think that I don’t understand or appreciate what you’ve done for me.” She brought her arms up and around his neck, feeling tears stinging her eyes. Jarod let out a shuddering breath, but didn’t move, didn’t say anything. “You are wrong, you know. You’re neither safe, nor convenient. Far from it, actually. Annoyingly so. And you’re definitely not weak.” She paused for a moment and turned her head just enough to place a kiss on the side of his neck, feeling him tremble in response. “You’re a power to be reckoned with, Jarod, and I wouldn’t want you any other way.” “Miss Parker,” he started, but she didn’t let him continue. “Shh, let me finish. You’ve asked if a night with you is all I want. And the answer is no, Jarod.” She put a hand on the back of his head and hid her face into the crook of his neck. She could feel his pulse throbbing rapidly under his skin. The next moment Jarod moved at last, putting his arms around her, instinctively pulling her closer. They stayed like that for some time. “Having you here, in my kitchen, just sitting next to you, talking to you… I feel as if I’m breathing fully for the first time in years.” Her fingers started to stroke his hair. “I know you’re tired, I know the Centre– I took a lot from you. But maybe I am still capable of giving something back. And I want it to be yours.” Jarod put his hands on her shoulders and moved her away from him just enough to look into her face. At the sudden loss of his body heat she felt cold and forlorn. Was he still doubting her? “If you still think that sex is all I want from you,” she said defiantly, “then forget about it. I do want you to make love to me, but not at the cost you’ve set.” Jarod was looking at her, searching for something, and Parker felt as a more familiar emotion rose inside of her. Anger. He of all people should have known how hard it was for her to admit to any kind of feelings, and she’d done as best as she could for him. And he still… She didn’t have a chance to finish the thought, because at that moment he pressed his mouth to hers, and she lost herself in the sensation. He kissed her with such tenderness, as if that was his only chance to let her know how he felt without actually telling her. Maybe it was. She kissed him back readily, pressing her whole body to his. “What do you want?” Jarod asked hoarsely, pulling away just a fraction of an inch and breathing hard. Parker, who was reaching for his lips again, paused, confused. “I thought I made it clear, genius,” she said, looking at him with something close to incredulity. Jarod shook his head. “No, I mean, what do you need? Do you need me to be passive? Or–” “Do I need to draft a plan before we proceed?” Parker asked with sarcasm. “Let’s start the ordinary way and then see what comes out of it.” He snorted, then lifted his hand to stroke her cheek gently. “All right, then,” he whispered and planted a light kiss on the corner of her mouth. “Just say a word, and I’ll stop.” She kissed him on the mouth, fast, then took his hand and led him out of the kitchen and to the staircase. Once in her bedroom, she turned to him, pulling him close. She started to kiss him again, her hands touching him everywhere she could reach. And while he kissed her back fiercely, he kept his hand as steady as he could, one lying on her shoulder blade, the other – on her waist. Her head was spinning, the fabric of their clothes seemed as an annoying obstacle. So she pulled his T-shirt over his head and threw it aside. Next thing she knew were his fingers, unbuttoning her top. She froze suddenly, a wave of dread rose inside her. There are two pairs of hands on her body. Rude hands, dirty. They touch her everywhere, tear at her clothes, push her around. She cries out and a palm slaps her across her face so hard that she sees stars, tastes blood in her mouth from the split lip. She gulps the air and stays quiet from now on. She hears laughter and obscene comments as someone grabs her by the hair and drugs her deeper into the hut. No. She forced herself to return to reality, where a different pair of hands was wandering over her body, their touch gentle. There was another kind of man with her now, one who respected her, who cared for her, who… loved her. He was waiting for her now, whispering words of support, helping her to overcome her traumatic experience and to replace it with new memories, full of light and warmth and passion. Parker opened her eyes she hadn’t even remembered closing and looked at Jarod. He was worried and sad, and she didn’t want him to be sad. She reached for his lips again, but he stopped her. “Maybe it’s not a good idea,” he said. “What? Me having sex? Ever?” asked Parker, trying to keep her voice steady. Jarod wasn’t reassured. “Maybe you should wait a little longer, give yourself more time–” She snorted. “It took me several years to get you where I wanted you,” she said. “Who knows how long it will be until the next time?” Her face softened, and she took his hands in hers. “Come on, Jarod, let's start again. I have an idea.” With these words Parker began to unbutton her top herself. “Now take it off,” she said as she undid the last button. Very slowly he complied, pulling the fabric off her shoulders. Parker smiled. “See? Everything is fine,” she said to reassure him and, if she was truthful, herself too. She reached for him then, pressing her bare skin to his and listening closely to her sensations. She felt lightheaded and aroused, and Jarod’s hot body made her think about all the pleasant things they might be doing. She reached behind her and unhooked her bra, leaving it to Jarod to take it off too. He didn’t need to be asked twice, but sliding its strips from her shoulders, he looked into her face as if measuring her reaction. She bit her lower lip seductively, and he smiled. But Jarod still looked unsure so she pulled his head down and kissed him passionately. “Just love me, Jarod, and don’t ask any questions.” He hesitated for a moment more and then put his arms around her, pulling her closer, pressing her body to his. He lowered his face and began to kiss her neck, starting from her collarbone, to the little place behind her ear. She closed her eyes and tilted her head a bit to the side, giving him better access. He returned to her lips for several moments and then went lower to caress her breasts. The memory of how Jarod examined her body that night in the hospital flashed in front of her eyes. He had seen her hurt and bruised and cut. Was he thinking about that now too? He might have sensed her hesitation, because he straightened and looked into her eyes. “Just forget about that,” he told her soothingly. “You are beautiful and sexy and just perfect to me.” Hating herself for asking and still desperately needing to know, she whispered, “Do you really want me… after what they’ve done to me?” “More than anything in the world,” he answered sincerely. “Then make me forget.” And he did. Being in his arms, feeling his caresses and care ignited something inside of her. A flame she didn’t even realise had been extinguished that night those monsters had taken her. His mouth and hands caressed her with reverence and tenderness, invoking desire in her and a long forgotten sense of triumph of knowing that she could still have such power over a man. And not just any man, but Jarod. They were lying on the bed now, and his wonderful mouth was working its magic between her thighs, and all she could do was moan and grip the sheets with her fingers, but she needed more. “Jarod?” she breathed out, and he paused. “Could you use your fingers too?” He lifted his head and looked at her, as if questioning, and then returned to his task, but adding his fingers, and with just several more strokes of his tongue she felt waves of blissful pleasure washed over her. When she came to her senses again, Jarod was lying beside her, gently stroking her hair. “Well, Jarod,” she drawled in a low husky voice. “If you’re that good with all the other parts…” Jarod chuckled and then smiled. “We can stop at that, you know,” he offered. She looked at him and shook her head. “Oh no,” she said, half joking, half serious. “You know me better than that. It’s always been all or nothing for me. I’m not capable of compromise.” He leaned on his elbow and propped up his head with his hand, still smiling smugly. “All right then. Do you want to be on top?” “Maybe next time,” she said. “Oh, so there will be a next time?” “If I have any say in the matter,” she promised. “But for now I’m willing to leave all the work to you.” Jarod actually laughed at that, and she grinned. He moved over her then and, feeling a little uneasy but trying not to let it show, she spread her thighs wider. “Jarod…” “I know,” he reassured her and then excruciatingly slowly entered her. They stayed like that for a moment, he – supporting his weight on his elbows, Parker – digging her fingers into his shoulder blades, holding onto him, never wanting to let go. “Don’t you dare to leave,” she whispered, hiding her face into his neck. “Not in the morning, not ever.” “Then don’t let me go,” answered Jarod simply and started to move.