Don't let go

When Jarod stopped the car on the edge of the hospital’s parking lot, it was already dark, though the building of the hospital itself and the parking area were brightly lit. Jarod turned the key in the ignition and got it out. “Ok, I will call Dr. Wong,” he told Parker, taking out his cell phone. “She is a very caring person and a great OB/GYN.” “I’ve changed my mind,” she said abruptly, not lifting her gaze. Jarod looked at her, bewildered. “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously. He was sure whatever it was, he would not like it. Parker turned to him, the expression of grim determination on her beaten face. “I don’t want your female doctor, I don’t care how good she is,” she said, and her voice sounded flat. “Miss Parker, you need medical attention. It’s unwise to…” “You misunderstood me. I’m not refusing medical help. I just don’t want a stranger, I want you to perform the exam,” Parker interrupted. Jarod paled. He suddenly felt like he was drowning, like a huge mass of water pressed at his chest and he couldn’t breathe. “No,” he mouthed with no actual sound leaving his lips. He looked at her with utter horror. His heart was pounding against his ribcage. He felt hot at the same time as a cold sweat covered his forehead. “No, I can’t do this. Please don’t ask that of me.” “Why?” Parker demanded. “You said you have done it before, so you know the procedure. I’m sure your little friend Dr. Wong would help with the equipment.” “I can’t do it, Parker!” Jarod pleaded with her. “Why would you want me to…” “What’s the problem, Jarod?” she interrupted again. “You did it for that woman, why wouldn’t you do it for me?” she asked fervently, burning him through with her gaze. He could tell she was angry and… hurt? She sounded as if she was insulted by his refusal. That made no sense. She just misunderstood. He needed to explain but didn’t know how. His body helped. “That’s why!” He held a hand for her to see; it was shaking badly. “I can’t do it precisely because it is you!” His face, the tone of his voice reflected the agony he felt inside. “Each time I look at you… At your face, at your skin… I want to break something! I want to kill those bastards who hurt you this way with my bare hands.” Parker looked at him, feeling his distress added to her own. But she needed him to do it, because only he could understand. She needed someone to share her horror and pain, not a clinical detachment of a professional. “You’re making a mistake, Miss Parker,” he tried to reason with her. “It has to be a female doctor. Some women can’t bear being near a man, even hearing male voice can cause distress, let alone being touched by a man in such an intimate way.” “You’re not a man,” she said, then after he gave her a bewildered look, she clarified. “Not just a man, not that kind of man. I feel safe beside you right now!” “The examination will hurt,” he continued, his voice broken. “How do you expect me to hurt you?” Suddenly calm, Parker reached out her hand and touched his cheek gently for a moment. “You know it’s unavoidable," she told him softly, sadly. “It’s going to hurt whether you do it or your perfect miss OB. And I’d rather have you precisely because you are afraid to hurt me.” She thought for a moment and then added in a whisper, “I’m asking you to do it because you know exactly what it feels like to not have any control over what is being done to you. And because it is my decision and I want to make it.” Jarod shut his eyes and tried to breathe. How could she ask this of him? Couldn’t she see what it was doing to him? He felt sick at the thought of what he might see… would see during the examination. “Are you sure you’re up to this?” he asked softly as he opened his eyes and looked at her. “I would need to touch you, to touch you where those… monsters…” He could not finish, but there was no need to. “I am,” she said. “I have to get through this on my own terms, and nobody, not even I myself would stop me.” For several long minutes Jarod was silent, then he took a shuddering breath and got his cell phone. “Okay, then.” He dialed a number and waited for an answer. “Hello? Stacy? It’s Jarod. Yes, it’s me. Look, is it your shift tonight? Great, could you do me a favour?” Pause, then, “It won’t cost you a dime. Could you meet me at the parking lot near that oak? Thanks, I’ll be waiting.” He turned to Parker. “She’ll come down in a quarter of an hour,” he said. Parker looked at him for a moment and then asked, “Is she pretty? Her voice sounded young.” Jarod lifted his brows. “Does it matter?” he asked back. “I guess not,” she said and shrugged. They fell silent for a few minutes, each thinking of their own. “She’s a nice-looking woman,” he answered at last. “Though not entirely my type.” Parker just looked at him thoughtfully and said nothing. When Jarod saw Dr. Wong approaching, he exited the car and went to meet her. “Well, hello, Jarod!” Stacy greeted him with a wide grin and gave him a hug. “Long time no see. What have you been doing?” Jarod returned the gesture. “You know, a little of this, a little of that,” he answered noncommitted. She stepped away from him a little perplexed, looked into his face and her own face became serious. “What’s the matter?” she asked, alarmed. “My friend,” he started and looked at Parker, just visible through the passenger side window of the car. Stacy followed his gaze. “She was…” At that moment Parker turned her head a little, but enough for them to see the ugly bruise on her right cheek even in the yellow light of the nearest street lamp. “Oh my god,” breathed Stacy. She looked back at Jarod, wide-eyed. “Yeah, well…” He swallowed hard and continued, “She needs to get a SAFE.” “And you want me to do it?” she asked her friend. Jarod gave her a bitter laugh and shook his head. “That’s the tricky part,” he said. Stacy looked at him uncomprehendingly. “She wants me to perform an examination.” Her mouth fell open. “That’s highly unusual,” she noted, frowning, and glanced towards Parker again. Jarod nodded. “Tell me about it. But she’s a highly unusual woman,” he said with a sad smile. “And even that is an understatement.” “But why? You’re not a gynecologist,” Stacy pointed out. “I’m not a cardio-surgeon either, to tell you the truth,” Jarod confessed. Stacy lifted her brows incredulously. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, confused. “You held the position of a cardio-surgeon here, and you were one of the best we’ve ever had, if I say so myself.” Jarod shrugged. “Let’s just say that I can be as good a GYN/OB as I was a cardio-surgeon.” Stacy shook her head and said, “I don’t understand a thing, but I trust you. So, what do you actually need?” “An exam room with all the equipment and other stuff I need to complete a SAFE. And probably she would need to be administered for several days. In that case I need all the decisions about her treatment to be coordinated with me. If possible, bring slippers and a robe.” Stacy looked at him thoughtfully, then once again glanced at Parker. “Are you two together?” she asked at last. “No,” sighed Jarod. “And anticipating your next question, we have never been.” “Then why…?” “She… she is important to me. And… let’s say, at the moment she feels that I am the only person she can trust,” he said. Stacy looked at him, and he saw that she understood everything he didn’t say aloud. “Damn, Jarod, it’s a horrible situation for both of you. Are you sure you can handle that? You look awful,” she said truthfully and squeezed his shoulder for a moment. Jarod pushed his hand through his hair. “The way I look has nothing on how I feel,” he admitted. “But she needs me to help her, and so I will.” *** Jarod returned to the car. He sat on his seat, looked at Parker and said, “She’ll be back as soon as she has everything ready.” “Oh, goodie!” Parker breathed out, not looking at him. “Listen,” he started once again. “Are you really sure about that? It’s not too late to ask Stacy…” Parker suddenly slapped the dashboard with her hand. Hard. Jarod jumped, startled. “Shut up!” she yelled. He turned to her, shocked. She looked furious, her teeth bared. “Just shut the fuck up, Jarod! Stop asking me that question! Whom are you really concerned about? Me or you?” He stared at her, trying to choose his words carefully. “Both of us, to tell the truth,” he said at last, as sincere as possible. “I still think it would be better for you and for me for that matter if you let a real doctor do it. But…” He held a hand up to stop her from speaking just yet. “But I won’t go back on my promise. I’ll do it if that’s what you really want.” Parker was looking at him for what felt like an eternity. “Fuck you, Jarod,” she repeated lifelessly in the end and turned away from him. Jarod wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he stayed quiet, until Stacy came back. Once again, he left the car to meet her a few yards away. Stacy brought a robe and slippers with her. And a wheelchair. “I wasn’t sure how badly she was hurt, so I decided to take a precaution,” she said. “That would be very useful, thanks.” Jarod turned the wheelchair to Parker's side of the car. “Oh, poor thing,” Stacy sighed. “I hate such cases.” Jarod glanced at her. “Just don’t call her that to her face,” he warned his friend, still a bit shaken from Parker’s outburst. “She might bite your head off for this kind of language.” And again Stacy just lifted her brows. “You do the talking then,” she offered as Jarod reached for a door handle of the passenger’s side of the car. “Ok, Miss Parker, here you go. Do you want my help with this?” He showed her the slippers and the robe. Parker snatched the slippers from his hands and, wincing, put them on her feet. Then she held her hand towards him, and Jarod cautiously helped her to get up. He held the robe for her to put on more easily and carefully lowered her into the wheelchair. “Miss Parker, this is Doctor Stacy Wong,” he introduced his friend. “Stacy, this is Miss Parker.” Parker gave Stacy an appraising look, and Jarod held his breath. He was ready to intervene to try and minimize the damage Parker might cause to Stacy. “I’m sorry, I don’t feel very sociable right now,” Parker said to the other woman. “Then I suggest we proceed to the hospital entrance without any further delay,” answered Dr. Wong and went forward, leading the way. *** Stacy brought them into the examination room, showed all the equipment necessary for a SAFE and then left with a promise to speak with the technician from the lab, who was working this shift. Parker and Jarod were left alone in the first, walk-through room. He cleared his throat and said, “If you’re ready…” She just nodded. He put on a white coat Stacy had left for him and then wheeled the chair into the second room and stopped near the examination table. “So, we need to get some blood for a blood test, then I’ll perform an examination itself. I will assess the damage, and decide what the best option to mend it would be. I will also collect…” He paused and closed his eyes for a moment. “Collect the samples… for forensic.” Parker nodded again. “I understand,” she said quietly. “What will we start with?” “If it’s all the same to you, let’s start with the blood work. This way it might be ready by the time we finish with everything else.” “All right.” Jarod went to the sink, washed his hands thoroughly, put the rubber gloves on and took the necessary items. Then he applied a tourniquet on one of Parker’s shoulders, drew the required amount of blood and put a cotton ball on the injection site. “I’ll be right back,” he promised and left for the lab. After returning to the examination room, he told Parker, “I asked the technician to make it a priority. He promised to complete it as fast as possible.” Parker didn’t look up at him. “What’s next? Do I need to get on the table?” she asked dully. “Do you need help?” She shook her head. “I can manage.” Jarod turned his back to her and busied himself with preparations. Once finished, he waited until she called for him. He approached her, not looking below her neck, and put a sheet over her knees and thighs. He met her gaze and she nodded slightly, so he stepped back and took the proper position for examination. The first look almost made him choke. Not wanting to scare her even further by crying out, he stuffed his left wrist into his mouth and bit hard, concentrating on physical pain. His eyes watered. Clenching his teeth even harder, he forced himself to breathe through his nose. Bit by bit he regained his composure. It felt as if it took him hours, but Parker never said a word. He released his wrist, casually noticing that it wasn’t bleeding much, so he didn’t bother to dress the wound immediately. Making a titanic effort, he willed himself to concentrate on the task at hand. It would benefit them both if he finished it as soon as possible. He stopped thinking, his hands working as if on their own, completing all the necessary steps one by one. More than once Parker moaned quietly and each time Jarod gritted his teeth, silently pleading with her to hold on a little longer. Finally done, he stood and took all the samples to the nearest counter. Then he approached Parker. “How are you holding up?” he asked. “Just peachy,” she breathed out, and he could hear the pain in her voice. “I’ll give you a minute to collect yourself, okay? I’ll be in the next room.” She didn’t say anything and, after waiting for a few moments, Jarod took the samples and went to the first room. When he returned to her a couple of minutes later, she hadn’t gotten up. Instead she had curled into a ball on her side with her back to the door and wept. Jarod froze. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare so badly, but the dull pain in his left wrist reminded him that all this was happening for real. What was he to do? He wanted to comfort her, but didn’t know if he could touch her now. Uncertain, he approached her and gently brushed her shoulder, looking carefully for any signs that his touch was unwelcomed and finding none. He started stroking her shoulder slowly and after a minute or so crouched beside the table and tentatively put his left arm loosely around her, pressing himself against her back and whispering some soothing nonsense. Gradually her sobs grew quieter, her breathing slowed down, but they stayed that way for some time more. At last she took a shuddering breath and stirred a bit. “Jarod? What’s happened to your hand?” Parker asked, her voice hoarse. Jarod took his hand away and stood up. “It’s nothing, forget about it,” he said, feeling stupid. Parker sat up and turned to him. “No, it looks like a bite mark. Who did this to you?” Jarod took several steps back and carefully rearranged the coat sleeve to hide his wrist. “I did it to myself, let’s not talk about it. We’re not done yet.” Parker looked at him, her face red and wet from crying. “Not done?” she repeated numbly. “Oh, it’s nothing in comparison with what we have already gone through. It’s just that I need to check the rest of your body for injuries and possible additional traces of…” He licked his lips and continued, “Anyways, then you will be able to take a shower and after that we will treat whatever wounds there are.” Parker cautiously slid off the table and pulled the hem of the gown down. “I’m so freaking tired,” she said as if to herself and sat in the wheelchair. “I know, Miss Parker. Please hold on a little longer and soon you’ll be able to rest,” Jarod implored and moved the wheelchair towards the door to the corridor. *** Parker was in the shower, and Jarod sat on a chair in the room just outside. In addition to the obvious injuries on her face and wrists, there were several bruises and abrasions on her legs and ribs but thankfully nothing more. And now he was waiting for her to come out with antiseptic and bondages. And a clean hospital gown. He heard the water behind the door stopped running, and soon Parker emerged, a towel wrapped around her. Jarod showed her a chair near his own, and she sat in it. With fast and precise movements, he tended to her wrists and then gave her a hospital gown. “Thanks,” she murmured and began to unwrap the towel. Jarod turned his back to her. She gave a bitter, derisive laugh. “Oh, stop with the modesty, Jarod. You’ve seen everything there is to see outside and inside.” “I’ve done it as a doctor, now I’m just your friend. A big difference.” “Well, maybe for you,” Parker murmured. After a minute she said, “I’ve heard before how… rape victims describe their feeling of being dirty, unclean, of being something disgusting… Always thought they were being dramatic. Turns out they were not, ha.” Jarod turned around sharply. Parker stood in the middle of the room, looking small and lost in the white hospital gown with her dark hair wet and flat around her face. “You should try to remember that it’s not true,” he told her. “You’re nothing of the things you’ve listed.” She lifted her gaze to his face and smiled humorlessly. “Aren’t I?” He came closer and looked into her still puffy eyes. “No, you’re not. You’re smart and intelligent. You’re funny and kind. You’re beautiful and dangerous. You’re a lot of things, Parker, but none of them are foul.” She was looking at him, searching his face for something, and the air between them felt heavy and charged. Jarod almost stopped breathing, suddenly terrified of what she might find. But then she looked down, and the moment passed. “You need to take care of your wrist,” she said and touched the hem of his sleeve. Jarod lifted his hand and looked at it. “I will,” he promised, but Parker had already picked up antiseptic and bondages he had used on her own wrists. “Let me do it,” she asked. He held his hand to her. She moved the sleeve out of the way and started to clean the wound. There was not a single thought in his head as he watched her work. It was so quiet that the humming of lamps above their heads suddenly sounded thunderous and the harsh light hurt his eyes. He desperately needed to rest too. *** They had to do one more thing though. Parker had already called her father. She had been gone for three days, and he hadn’t even noticed. Jarod had sat beside her bed while she talked to the old man, explaining how her ulcer got worse for some reason and that she would need a couple of weeks to rest before she returns to work. No, there was no need to visit, she had great care at the hospital. She ended the call and sat, staring into the space in front of her for several minutes. Jarod was looking at her solemnly, not wanting to disturb her quite yet, but needing to move forward with the next call. “You need to tell Sidney the truth,” he said at last. Parker turned sharply to him. “What? Why?” “You’ll need someone who knows what you’re really going through at your side,” he explained. “So he can look after you.” She was shaking her head even before he finished speaking. “I don’t need that kind of crap,” she spat at him. Jarod sighed. “Just think about it,” he started patiently. “Somebody decides to touch you, to put a hand on your shoulder. Or even just comes too close. Makes an inappropriate joke… All the little things most people do not notice in our day to day life. But it would hurt you. You’d want someone to shield you from that, at least in the beginning.” Parker closed her eyes; her fingers were fiddling with the sheets as she was contemplating his words. “I can’t tell him,” she whispered at last and looked Jarod into the eyes. “I will call him if you want me to,” he offered, tilting his head to the side. She just nodded and turned her head away. “Just… don’t do it here, I don’t want to listen to your conversation. And tell him to never mention it – not in my presence, not to anyone else.” “Okay,” Jarod agreed, then he stood up and left the room. Once in the corridor, he took out his cell phone and dialed Sidney’s number. “This is Sidney,” his old mentor answered after two rings. “Hello, Sidney.” A pause. “Jarod? I’m glad to hear from you. Is everything all right?” Jarod rubbed his face with his palm. “I’m afraid it isn’t,” he said. “It’s Miss Parker.” “What happened?” “Are you alone?” Jarod asked, looking from one end of the corridor to the other. “Yes, I’m at home. Please, Jarod, what happened to her? We haven’t heard from her for three days.” “She was… attacked,” Jarod said cautiously. “Attacked?” Sidney repeated. “Jarod? Is she alive? You sound–” “Yes, yes, she’s alive,” Jarod hurried to reassure his friend. “But she…” He suddenly found this task very hard, but unlike Parker, he didn’t have anybody to delegate it to. Sidney was waiting, obviously worried. Jarod breathed in and went for it. “She was raped, Sidney,” he said and heard a gasp on the other end of the line. Jarod’s hands started to shake once again. Talking about it made him re-live all the horrible moments of the day. He began to pace in front of the door to Parker’s room. “How did that happen?” asked Sidney at last. “I don’t know, I haven’t asked her yet,” Jarod explained. “I’m not sure she’s ready to talk about it. She’s in the hospital. I won’t tell you where exactly in case someone is listening to your line. I called her this morning purely by chance! And she has just regained her consciousness. We’re still waiting for a blood test, but I’m sure they’ve drugged her.” “They?” groaned Sidney. “Oh my god. How is she?” Jarod laughed humorously. “It’s Miss Parker we’re talking about, Sidney. She’s strong and she’s a survivor. Though, come to think of it, it's a double-edged sword.” “What do you mean?” “She’s holding on better than one might expect, but she tries to downplay it. Besides, she makes unusual decisions.” “Like what?” “Like the one when she made me do the medical exam,” Jarod said quietly, and shiver ran down his spine. “Oh, Jarod,” Sidney breathed out. “How did you...? Never mind, how are you?” “Been better,” Jarod answered tiredly. “Look, she has let me call you only on one condition. You should not speak about what happened either to her or to anybody else. She even lied to her father explaining her absence.” “I understand, Jarod. Don’t worry, I’ll look after her.” Good old Sidney knew why Jarod called him.“What has she told her father?” “That her ulcer’s giving her troubles.” “I see. Then that’s what I will tell Broots. We’ve been worrying sick about her,” Sidney told him. “I still can’t fully believe in what you’ve said.” “Join the club,” Jarod said grimly. “I can’t fully believe it myself. Look, Sidney, I gotta go, I see the technician with her lab results approaching. I’ll call you later.” *** Jarod sat at Parker’s side. He was exhausted from everything that had happened today, but couldn’t leave her quite yet. She was sleeping now. Rest and medical care for several days would heal her body in no time. Psychological trauma unfortunately would take much longer, and god only knows if she would be able to cope with it. Ever. Yes, victims of sexual abuse were often able to deal with their pain and carry on with their lives, but deep down they had been changed forever. What this ordeal would do to Parker only time would tell, Jarod just hoped he would be able to help her in some way. The paper with lab results was lying on the nightstand. Thankfully those bastards didn’t do anything to her that couldn’t be treated quite easily. Thank god for small things. Jarod packed all the samples he had collected and was planning to start an investigation as soon as he could. They would pay for everything they had done to Parker. They would pay for each tear she had shed, for every moan of pain she had uttered. He would just have to be careful and not do anything he would regret later. He hadn’t decided how to achieve that yet. He still wanted to kill those monsters with his bare hands. Jarod sighed and rubbed his face with his palms. He needed to sleep, but he didn’t want to leave. So he pulled his chair closer to the bed, put his head on the mattress beside Parker’s hand and closed his eyes.