Farewell to Hans Capon

I held Hans by the back of the neck as though I was afraid he might change his mind. There was no turning back for me now. He was already beneath me. I was supposed to be the one taking him. And yet... a single brief glance, our eyes meeting, was enough to loosen my grip. The wave receded. Just keep going. You can’t stop now! I pressed my lips to his again, proving that I was still here, that I had not changed my mind either. Faster, before it gets awkward! I searched for a way to remove his clothes, but I could not figure it out. There was too much of it, and it was thicker. Not decoration—protection. Not like a woman's clothing. An endless row of buttons on his pourpoint. How was I supposed to get through them? Damn it... I shifted into a more comfortable position and tried to unfasten them, but I no longer had the strength. It seemed I had spent it all making that decision. I do not know what was written on my face, but it seemed to say everything. “Henry.” His voice had brought me back to my senses before, but this time it would have needed to say my name three times. “Henry. Henry...” At last I looked at him clearly and directly. “In this state, it will be difficult for you to go on the mission tonight. Don’t worry, all right? I’m here now.” I let out a breath. “Sorry. I can’t relax.” “That’s hardly surprising. But please, try.” Obediently, I went limp in his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder. Given up? “Don’t rush. As long as the fire is still burning, we have time.” “How do you know?” “In Maleshov, there was often nothing to do except count how quickly the logs burned away.” I watched the fire—I don’t know for how long. A minute, perhaps longer. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Hans calmly continue the unfinished work on the buttons. And with every button undone, relaxation came. And something else as well... “What do you think? Did they do it too?” Hans asked. “Who?” “Lancelot and Galehaut.” “Well, if they kissed each other like we did, then they probably did everything else too.” In the silence that followed, I could almost hear his thoughts moving. “I never thought I would kiss you. It just happened. I only ever imagined how we would do things like this with women together. But there are no women here,” Hans said with a smile. A laugh escaped me as an awkward snort. “What do you mean? Bedding girls in the same room? You’ve got quite the imagination.” “And yet all of this seems to have come surprisingly easily to you.” “Are you joking? It took the prospect of death for the idea to even occur to me.” I propped myself up on my elbows so I could look him in the eye. “Was I too rough? Just tell me.” He looked at me strangely, almost appraisingly, but the smile never left his face. “It’s just... perhaps I had already thought of you that way. But I always stopped myself. It was frightening to think where it might lead me, and how far.” The playful glimmer I caught in his eyes urged me to respond in kind. I brushed my nose lightly against his cheek, almost like a puppy seeking affection, and whispered: “Oh, come on. It isn’t frightening anymore. Not for me. I just don’t know how to approach you.” Hans’s chest shook beneath my weight as he laughed soundlessly. “If only I knew myself.” “Just tell me how those buttons are doing already,” I asked impatiently. He glanced down at his hands. “Well, the hard part is done.” We sat up on the bed so Hans could free himself from his embroidered hood, his pourpoint, and his undershirt. My hand began to explore the faded relief of the muscles on his back now revealed to me. “You’d like this more if we were at the archery range instead of under siege.” “I like it anyway.” I was not lying. Hans turned to me with interest. “Now let’s have a look at you.” He helped me with the ties and fastenings until we were both bare to the waist. “Well?” “Honestly? I’ve never seen anything more pleasing to the eye in my life.” “Seriously?” For a moment I thought he was mocking me, but I was wrong. “Well, you certainly don’t look as intimidating as you did at the height of your form. But it’s so good to have you here beside me. You have no idea what a relief it was when you stayed. I thought I had done something unforgivable. I was already blaming myself for what I’d done. If you had blamed me too...” He swallowed and ran a hand across the muscles of my chest, following the movement of his touch with his eyes. There it is. Do you feel it? Time itself seems to have stopped. I somehow knew that Hans had felt it too. Probably even more strongly than I had, because he couldn’t hold back and stood up. “Well then. Enough of languishing in armor, at last.” Hans turned slightly away from my gaze and began undoing the ties on his chausses. I understood he wanted privacy for this, so I gathered our outer clothes and placed them on the chest by the wall, and there I started undressing as well. When I was done, I returned, but stopped halfway. Jan was already lying on the bed, looking away. He was slightly tense, one leg bent at the knee. It was clear he felt awkward lying there naked in front of me. I approached and lay down beside him on the bed, on my side. I propped my head up with one hand, the other resting between us in anticipation. And I noticed he was already ready. Before I could even think about what I should feel, the sensation had sunk deep inside me. As if I hadn’t even wanted it, but no one had asked me. It had been decided for me anyway. “Can I touch you?” I hoped he would say yes. “Wait…” he stopped me. “First, kiss me.” A little disappointed, I did as he asked. There was no need to rush anymore. Not now. I kissed him gently, attentively. Gradually I grew used to it and lightly touched his waist. He responded, placing his hand on me in return. But when I leaned in slightly, I felt it wasn’t just a touch, but a gesture that stopped me from getting closer. He doesn’t accept you. Something is wrong. What is going on? Am I again in a situation where I have to pull him out of a trap he set for himself? I pulled back. Hans noticed that I had noticed. “Tell me honestly…” he began, sounding uncertain. “Are you only doing this for my sake? To pity me? To keep me from going mad here alone?” I was taken aback. It had seemed to me the opposite—that I was doing this because I wanted to push the thought of the sortie as far away as possible. “No,” I simply replied. “Then why?” “Isn’t it obvious? I want someone to love me.” I dared to admit something so painful that even I was surprised by it. Jan’s expression changed at once. I saw deep regret in his eyes. “Oh, Henry. I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking too much about myself.” “Probably. But you’ve been thinking about me too, haven’t you?” I smiled. A pause hung between us, and then suddenly Jan grabbed my face with both hands, as if he had just realized something important and needed to share it immediately. “I think about you all the time! Not a day passes when I don’t notice your endurance and your deeds.” He hesitated for a moment, as if gathering courage. “And… your beauty…” Suddenly I felt as though I might drown in those blue eyes. “Then don’t hide it from me. Please.” “I’ll try, Henry. I’ll try.”