Not Like Him

Damn! What kind of evening is this? How is it possible to be treated as underage yet again and denied entry to a club? Nine years and the same problem keeps repeating.   And then there are always those wannabe predators who only notice that you’re no longer sixteen when you happen to be in the brightly lit lobby of some rundown hotel. In moments like that, some people act… less than rational. Once he even had to run from a guy who had flown into a rage after mistaking him for some snotty college kid in the dim light of a club. After that incident, he became more careful about choosing his partners, always making sure to mention his age. No plans for the evening, just a craving to unwind from a difficult client who had, once again, declared he’d “changed his mind” and urgently needed the blueprints redone. Apparently, he needed a bigger bedroom! Umi would happily go to bed too, if only he weren’t alone… He heads to the bar and nods at the familiar bartender, Stanley. Stanley knows exactly what he wants and immediately starts mixing the drink. Sometimes they exchange a few words with sly, double-edged hints, but nothing more. And they don’t need it to go further. Umi takes a sip and scans the room. A few familiar faces flash by. Some he hasn’t spoken to personally, but he’s seen them around. And then — there He is. Judging by appearances, He’s about Umi’s age, but unlike him, no one would ever mistake him for a teenager. Coppery, wavy hair gathered in a careless bun glows under the lights, making him look like the sun — an impossible sun appearing in the night sky. For the first time in a long while, Umi just wants to admire him. I wonder, what color his eyes are? Surely just as incredible. A strange, unfamiliar feeling surfaces — a desire to look at someone under bright light, without touching at all. The guy’s gaze drifts aimlessly across the room, as if hoping to see someone, though he hardly believes he will. Stanley strikes up casual conversation, sharing the latest gossip from the club. While Umi had been away, there had been two fights, so now some of the familiar faces were banned from entering. He looks away again — and lands on the captivating eyes of the stranger. A flash of surprise crosses his face, but it quickly gives way to indifference. He keeps watching until his attention is drawn to his phone. Someone is calling, but the music drowns out the sound. He dismisses the call and shifts focus to the screen. “Do you know him?” Umi asks Stanley. The bartender studies the guy’s face and shakes his head. “Never seen him before. I don’t have a photographic memory to know everyone, but I’d notice someone that striking. I’m practically a newbie here. Maybe he just hasn’t been around in a while.” Umi follows the stranger as he moves away, a vague feeling stirring in him. He wishes he could keep watching him, maybe all night. Without approaching, without trying to draw him closer with his own presence. A strange sensation. The original plan of finding someone for a quick hookup vanishes into thin air. The mood sours along with the mysterious stranger. For a moment, the thought even crosses his mind to chase after him, strike up a conversation. But that’s ridiculous… The night ends on a low note. Next time, the stranger doesn’t show. Umi admits to feeling a twinge of disappointment, but he meets a cute guy. It all ends the usual way — Umi is satisfied, Umi back in action. He even manages to join a threesome, something he hasn’t had in bed for a long time. Yet still, his heart feels empty.  

✦ ✧ ✦

  A month passes, but inside, nothing changes. He’s already forgotten the guy who had struck him so profoundly, yet the feeling of emptiness remains, and he doesn’t understand why each time he steps into the club, a faint sense of anxiety creeps over him. One day, Umi remembers. In the same spot, there he is. His hair just as messy, his clothes unremarkable, but the gaze… it seems different. Not that complete detachment anymore. He scans the crowd, as if searching for someone. And he finds him. Upon noticing Umi, he relaxes. No nod, no faint smile. But his eyes change. Green? Or blue? He doesn’t approach, only glances up now and then, and when he sees that Umi hasn’t gone anywhere, he looks away again. He checks the time and stands, giving Umi a careful look. The pattern repeats. He leaves the club, and Umi heads home alone once more. This continues for weeks. They still make no move to start a conversation. Occasionally, Umi exchanges a few words with Stanley, who keeps shooting suspicious glances at the mysterious visitor. Umi decides it’s time to change something — find someone willing to spend the night with him. Weeks of restraint have left him restless and irritable at work. He feels someone settle behind him and turns around. He’s met with those maddening eyes. Suddenly, his breath catches, and the music around him distorts. “How are you?” the voice is mesmerizing — more beautiful than Umi had imagined. “I… I…” Umi struggles to find words. “Sorry, I startled you,” the guy frowns. “No, no,” Umi manages to squeeze out. “I just didn’t expect you to… well…” “Me neither,” the new acquaintance says, looking at him a little guiltily, and falls silent. Umi nervously scans his face. Too dark to make out the eyes. Silence stretches. “I’m Umi,” he breaks the pause. “Unusual name,” the guy smiles shyly, and Umi can’t help but notice the faint lines at the corners of his eyes. “My parents claimed we had ancestors from Japan. I don’t think that’s true. And Google says it’s a female name…” For some reason, this fact makes Umi self-conscious, and he drops his gaze. “Maybe the meaning mattered to them,” the guy says. “Do you know what ‘umi’ means in Japanese?” Umi shakes his head in surprise. He’d spent his whole life puzzled by his name but had never bothered to look for its meaning. “Sea,” the guy answers with a smile, as if replying to his own question. “Maybe your parents were just enchanted by your eyes.” Umi swallows nervously. How had he even seen that? In such darkness. “Shine,” the guy finally introduces himself, still smiling. “Seems like your parents also cared about the meaning,” Umi remarks. “No,” Shine gently objects, and something in his gaze shifts. “I chose my own name.” He abruptly changes the subject, “Looks like you’re a regular here,” he nods toward Umi’s glass. “Almost the only place where I can completely relax,” Umi says, his tone half-justifying himself. “You don’t look completely relaxed right now,” Shine says with a friendly smirk. “And you?” Umi blurts out unexpectedly. Shine’s brow arches in mild confusion. “I haven’t seen you here before,” Umi explains more confidently. “First time?” “No, just… haven’t been around in a while,” the familiar guy replies mysteriously. “I used to be a regular too, once.” He gets distracted from the conversation and orders a drink from Stanley. For the first time, he’s placing an order. The bartender is just as surprised but doesn’t ask questions and keeps up a casual chat with Umi while preparing the drink — just so he doesn’t start flirting. Shine is close enough that Umi can hear every word, and he really doesn’t want the guy to get the wrong impression about him. Stanley ignores Umi’s silent plea and hints that it’s been a long time since he’s had any fun with anyone. Umi hunches his shoulders, wishing he could simply vanish, but still timidly lifts his eyes toward Shine — and meets an amused gaze. He takes the drink, but manages only a single sip. A faint buzz comes from Shine’s pocket, and with a slightly irritated look, he steps away to answer the call. Stanley doesn’t hold back. “So, how do you like him? Worth sitting here alone for weeks, hypnotizing him with your eyes?” “I don’t know,” Umi answers honestly, watching Shine’s retreating figure. “We haven’t talked enough yet.” “Not enough?” the bartender snorts. “What, you want to take him on a date? If the fish won’t bite, maybe forget it. There’s a whole aquarium here.” “Oh, shut up,” Umi snaps, surprising even himself. “Who do you think I am? A slut?” “Well, yeah,” Stanley replies calmly. “Isn’t that what you come here for — to fuck?” Umi nervously glances around. “Just try saying that in front of him,” he hisses. “Oh, I see — you’re craving romance now,” the bartender rolls his eyes. “Your call. We’ll see how long you last.” And he goes off to tend to other customers. “I’m not a slut“, Umi tells himself. “But God, I want to fuck so badly. “ Shine returns five minutes later, by which point Umi has already imagined a dozen scenarios in which the call was just an excuse to escape from an idiot like him — someone who can’t even string two words together. Even messed up his own name. “Sorry to keep you waiting,” Shine says, and his voice sounds so sincere that Umi briefly suspects he’s not even the one being addressed. Shine’s guilty expression only deepens the confusion. “And I don’t want to upset you, but I really have to leave.” “There it is. I definitely ruined everything. God, Umi, you idiot. He finally paid attention to me, and I screwed it all up because of my own stupidity.” “I’m really sorry,” Shine says, and it seems he mistakes Umi’s dejected expression for offense. “You’ll come back here the day after tomorrow, right?” Was that just a guess — or does Shine actually know that he comes here every Saturday? No, that’s unlikely. He probably doesn’t pay attention to Umi’s peculiar “schedule.” He spends every day here, and every time Umi shows up, he casts him those expressive glances. But what’s the point of coming every day just to sit on a chair? “Yes,” Umi replies after a moment’s thought. “Perfect,” his acquaintance smiles. “I’ll be waiting for you!” And he disappears into the crowd. He’ll be waiting? For him? But why? And what will happen on Saturday? Will they swap life stories? Will they sleep together? Too many questions. Zero answers. Shine’s spot is soon taken by a muscular guy, who offers him a drink. Stanley winks approvingly, and without much thought, Umi agrees to everything.

 ✦ ✧ ✦

  Saturdays are always crowded here, but today it feels like there are too many people. Umi weaves his way through the heat of bodies, hoping he wasn’t mistaken — that he didn’t come for nothing. Though… What does “come for nothing” even mean? He isn’t here because of Shine, right? It’s just a regular Saturday night outing. Drinks, conversation, sex. But what will he actually get out of it? The last hookup barely brought him any satisfaction. His body, maybe, but his soul felt gloomy. True to his word, Shine sits in the same spot as before, this time sipping a cocktail. Another change — there’s a phone in front of him, and he’s studying something on the screen with focus. He doesn’t notice Umi approaching and lowering himself onto the neighboring stool. Or at least he pretends not to. Either way, his face shows no surprise when he finally looks up from the screen and sees Umi smiling modestly. “Well, there you are,” Shine says instead of a greeting, smiling. Umi can’t tear his eyes away from the lines around Shine’s eyes again. He looks almost the same as always, but instead of a bun, his copper hair is tied back in a ponytail. “God, I want to run my hand through it.” If it were anyone else in Shine’s place, he would have done it long ago without a second thought. But now… he dares not. “There I am,” he confirms. “You know, I never doubted you’d come,” Shine says calmly, looking him in the eyes. “Brown? No. Dark gray, it seems.” “Why?” Umi wonders. Because he promised? He doesn’t seem like the type to break his word? “You always come on the same days, at the same time,” Shine explains, easing Umi’s worries. “You remembered when I come here?” Umi finally realizes. “It wasn’t hard. You don’t deviate from your schedule,” Shine smirks. “Though I could be wrong if you came when I wasn’t here.” “You don’t spend every day here?” Umi asks, surprised. “Why would I?” the guy asks, unfazed. “You… you’re watching me?” Umi tenses. Well, that ruined the image of Shine being normal. “Wait,” he says, gently placing his hand near Umi’s, without intending to touch. “I like being here only when you’re around. It makes me feel calmer. Sorry if I startled you. I know it sounds creepy.” “Then why is it so important to you that I’m here?” Umi doesn’t relax just yet. He’s run into too many guys who couldn’t take their eyes off him. And never in a good way. “It’s hard to explain,” Shine sighs softly. “But if I make you uncomfortable, I’ll understand and won’t try to start a conversation again.” “No, it’s fine,” Umi shakes his head. “I’ve been watching you too.” “That’s true,” the guy smiles. “So… tell me, where did this schedule come from?” Umi eagerly begins to explain, as the topic turns to his favorite work. And he could talk about it for hours. He describes the often fascinating projects he receives, how he tries to turn an idea into a concrete blueprint, and then watches it come to life. It’s like magic. Shine listens attentively, smiling from time to time, making Umi pause for a second to study the playful lines around his eyes. It seems he’s genuinely interested in everything Umi recounts with such enthusiasm. And he seems… charmed. “No, that can’t be. Surely he thinks I’m just a fool who can’t shut up in time. A big-mouthed idiot.” “And what do you do?” Umi stops his stream of words. Shane frowns at the abrupt stop and replies, “I work at a clinic.” Umi waits silently for elaboration. Shine reluctantly clarifies, “I’m a cardiologist. Sometimes I have to go in at night if a patient worsens. That’s why I had to leave last time.” “Ah, so that’s it. It’s not because I’m a fool. And indeed, if he had wanted to blow me off, he wouldn’t have been waiting here today.” “So, you’re an expert in matters of the heart?” Umi tries to joke. “I hope no one has fallen victim to your Cupid’s arrow.” Shine’s expression darkens. “Shit! Who told you to open your mouth? And what if one of his patients actually died, right in his hands? What an idiot I am.” “No,” Shine finally says. “I stopped using arrows long ago.” The tension eases. Umi silently promises himself not to blurt out stupid things. Shine asks him to continue talking about his work as an architect and interior designer, and he happily recounts both interesting and absurd situations. “I feel a little embarrassed,” Umi admits, checking the time. “What’s wrong?” Shine asks, watching him closely. “We’ve been talking all evening only about my work…” “You tell it very interestingly,” Shine says, keeping his eyes on him. “Gray? Or perhaps bright blue after all?” “But we could talk about yours too,” Umi protests. “Trust me, it’s so boring it’s not even worth starting.” “That’s nonsense…” “Not necessarily about work. I’d like you to tell me something about yourself.” Shine smiles warmly. “Of course. But next time,” he glances at his phone screen. “It’s already too late — it’s time to rest.” His “rest” implies the usual sleep, while Umi is just beginning a more active kind of rest. “Wait!” he jumps up, blocking Shine from leaving. “This isn’t because of me, right?” “Not because of you?” Shine frowns. “You’re not leaving because I bored you with my silly stories?” “Umi, you haven’t said anything foolish tonight.” “Right — what about the Cupid’s arrow?” “And I’ll be happy to hear more from you.” “You really don’t think I’m an idiot?” Umi asks, almost plaintively. “Umi, stop putting yourself down,” he says, placing his hand on Umi’s forearm. “I like the way you speak.” There it is — the exact moment from those silly romantic movies where you’re supposed to stand on tiptoe, wrap your arms around the hero’s neck, and kiss him. But tiptoe? They’re the same height. And it’s not really a movie. Umi tenses, thinking about what to do next. Does Shine even want to be touched? All evening, their conversation had been friendly. “What, the hell, do people even do in these situations?” Out of sheer desperation, he actually starts to rise onto his toes. Shine looks at him, puzzled. “I should go,” Shine says, adding with a smile, “See you on your next day off.” Umi nods, pondering what it would be like if they accidentally ran into each other during the day. Would he recognize Umi? Umi would definitely recognize him. And finally see his eyes. Then it hits him — he’s thinking like some lovesick fool, the kind people assume he is here. How did he get to this point? Twenty-seven years without a single crush. No relationships, no attachments. What’s caused such a change? Do you start thinking about serious relationships as you approach thirty? So that dying isn’t boring? No, what nonsense is that. Or should he blame not his age, but the red-haired guy with the mesmerizing eyes? And after all, what he wants most isn’t to drag him into bed, but to get to know him better. But has he really learned much today? Cardiologist. And that’s it? It’s all his fault. He talks so much that Shine hardly gets a word in. “Well, never mind. Next time, I’ll control myself. If there is a next time. What if he now thinks that talking to me isn’t worth it? But he’s too polite to say so. Yet he did promise to meet here next time. He’ll keep his word, right?” Under Stanley’s sly gaze, Umi heads home.