When Jealousy Eats Me Up

Levi noticed her by accident. He wouldn't have paid any attention to yet another green recruit if she hadn't managed to kill a titan all on her own. On her back—the emblem of crossed swords. Not even a Scout, yet so skilled. He didn't get a good look at her. There was no time for that, and he had already forgotten about the girl when their paths crossed again. Absolute silence sat across the courtroom. Only someone's quiet, indignant cry echoed off the marble walls. Levi turned away from Eren for just a moment and saw her. Angry as the devil himself, she fixed her huge eyes right on Levi's face. She's either far too bold, or simply stupid—Levi thought. How could she possibly match his strength? And yet she kept pushing forward, trying to break free. Almost funny. And yet… Levi felt the spark of interest igniting.

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Eren carefully scrubbed the dried blood from his cheek. The bruise slowly spread across his face, and Levi almost felt sorry for the kid. Still, he'd been through a lot. Levi hadn't wanted to knock his teeth out, but he'd miscalculated his strength. It had been a long time since he'd fought humans. Especially ones tied to a post, ordered to sit still and endure any humiliation. Levi dropped carelessly onto the couch. Eren flinched, recoiled as if burned, and Levi sighed. "Afraid of me now?" Eren stared at him with eyes as green as grass, babbling something about honour, about respect for the Scouts, about how working alongside Levi has been his dream—but Levi wasn't listening. Green. Completely different. So she wasn't his sister. "That girl in the courtroom—your girlfriend?" Levi tried to sound casual, but traces of interest still slipped through. "Mikasa? No! Well, not exactly…" A blush spread across his cheeks, brighter than the dried brown stains of blood. "We grew up together." Levi grunted. Obviously, their relationship wasn't just friendly. This news didn't extinguish his interest. Quite the opposite. For a moment, Levi wondered what exactly it was about Eren that had drawn that girl—Mikasa—to him. Hange was already trying to get to Eren, enthusiastically speculating about his abilities out loud. When the knocked-out tooth was back in place—in Eren's mouth—Mikasa faded into the background.

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Mikasa, then… Levi thought to himself as Eren broke away from them, hurrying toward the newly arrived Scouts. Levi noticed out of the corner of his eye how she rushed to Eren, examining him as if he were made of porcelain. Something stirred strangely inside him, but Levi paid it no mind. He only heard that insolent girl hissing like an angry cat. Levi caught only that she was planning to "show that shorty"—but what exactly she intended to show, Levi didn't catch. He just smirked to himself. How bold it was, saying such things behind his back.

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"Eren, you need to make a decision. And don't regret your choice. Think quickly…" Levi spoke calmly, reasonably, with expertise—but the panicking boy could ruin all his plans. Levi could simply give an order, but Eren was too dangerous. He still hadn't learned to control himself, and Levi needed him to learn as soon as possible. And to think for himself, making decisions that benefited the Scouts, not just his own hide. "Fine! I trust you!" Levi exhaled. One small milestone crossed. The whistle of ODM cables tore through the tense silence of the forest. Levi issued a brief order to the squad and launched upward. He needed to discuss the next plan with Erwin.

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The Female Titan suddenly broke free, and Levi caught a glimpse of something utterly ordinary and familiar emerging from her nape. A human figure—he realised immediately—and after exchanging a few words with Erwin, Levi shot after her. Deep in the forest, his elite squad was supposed to be protecting Eren. The scattered bodies of his comrades on the ground cut painfully at his heart. Damn Titans kept taking everything he'd ever managed to gain in this life. These weren't the circumstances in which he'd wanted to get to know Mikasa better. He noticed her only when he finally came to his senses. He had to save at least this foolish girl. She'd try to reclaim her Eren—who had probably already kicked the bucket—and she'd get dragged down with him. "We're retreating. He's already dead." "No—I'm sure the titan swallowed him whole! Let go of me!" Levi clicked his tongue in irritation. Crazy, no doubt about it. But her words made some sense. If Eren was still alive, they needed to get him back. He was their last chance to defeat the titans. They couldn't just let him slip away. They weaved between the trees, and Levi could barely hold onto Mikasa, who was twisting like a snake, with just one arm. "Listen carefully. I'll get him out. You cover me. Don't interfere, and don't play hero." "If you'd done your job, this wouldn't have happened." She snorted, finally slipping out of his grasp. His palm accidentally brushed across her chest, but Mikasa didn't seem to notice. Levi quickly pulled himself together. One mistake—and they'd both be dead. But the sudden rush of conflicting emotions hit him like a slap in the face. Heat flooded his cheeks instantly, but luckily no one was there to see it. Shaking his head, he surged forward. If he didn't reach Yeager, no one would be able to help him.

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Eren, sticky with titan saliva, reeking so badly Levi would remember that smell forever, hung limply in his arms like a ragdoll. Mikasa didn't take her eyes off him, staring with such concern that Levi finally broke. "He's alive. Just covered in crap. Otherwise, your boyfriend's fine." "We're n-not…" Mikasa stammered, suddenly lifting those strangely shaped, deer-like enormous eyes to him. So she could blush—a brief thought crossed his mind. Disheveled, terrified out of her mind, she almost looked cute to him. But surrounded by Titans, Levi wasn't ready to think about anything except getting out of there as fast as possible. "We're retreating." Mikasa nodded and silently followed him. This gloomy girl was completely insane. She'd tried to take down an intelligent titan by herself. Even he, facing one for the first time in his life, had immediately known that creature was way out of his league. At least for a time being. But Mikasa had rushed to save Eren without a second thought, even though it could have cost her life. Levi felt anger rising. Why did this bother him all of a sudden?

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The heavy days flew by unnoticed, blending into one endless nightmare. Levi didn't always notice when he passed out in his chair or when he was awake. Fatigue piled up like a mountain, but he was still holding on. There was something worth holding on for. Levi surprised himself. He could clearly see the burning hatred in Mikasa's eyes when she looked at him, knew she talked behind his back, but he couldn't bring himself to be angry. Her lightning-filled eyes resembled storm clouds—clouds he wanted to get lost in before the rain. Levi still believed his interest was just a fleeting infatuation. Even though nearly a year had passed since he'd first met her. Levi told himself he didn't care how she ran after Eren, how she was ready to bust herself into a pulp for him—but when alone with his thoughts, he always returned to the same question: what did she see in him, and why did it bother him so much? Gradually, the gloomy girl began to warm up. Apparently, she'd started growing something resembling a brain. Levi sneered to himself, but only to drown out his undying interest. His breath caught every time she cried out in despair, rushing off to save Eren again. Inside him, genuine indignation rose. She'd chat amiably with her comrades, then look at him with caution, wariness—almost fear—quickly replacing her expression with indifference. Levi knew—there was a vast chasm between them. He was already tired. He was cruel, antisocial, and silent. She hadn't yet absorbed the cynicism common to all Scouts; she still had the strength to think of others. And he'd had to learn that, too. How many times had he told her that Eren had a head of his own (even if it sometimes seemed stuffed with sawdust)? How many times had he reprimanded her for disobeying orders, for putting her life in danger? It was all useless. And slowly, he began to understand. He remembered what it was like to care about close and beloved people. She made him remember—because now, during battle, he couldn't take his eyes off her, afraid that this time luck wouldn't be on her side. And he felt incredible relief whenever he spotted her in the crowd.

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She'd only asked about his leg. She probably still felt guilty about that injury. It certainly wasn't her fault. He could have landed badly at any time—but he didn't say that out loud. "I can move." Mikasa turned away, blushing exactly as she did back on that giant tree branch. And now it wasn't about Eren. His heart warmed slightly. "We have to go. Go ahead—I'll cover you." Mikasa's eyes flashed. She gave a short nod and headed into battle. The determination with which she ran to Eren's aid was admirable. But Levi didn't admire it. He only grew angry, frowning once again. Not that anyone would notice.

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When the cart with Eren burst through the gate, Mikasa lunged forward like a dog off its leash. She jumped off the wagon and dashed ahead. Levi barely managed to stop her, catching her around the waist—but she struggled so hard that he had to slip his other arm under hers, pull her closer against him, trying not to choke her or grope her. But Mikasa didn't seem concerned about the last two. "They won't hurt him—but if you go in there, you'll get a bullet in the head. Start using your damn head for once!" Levi hadn't realised he'd started yelling, but it seemed to bring her to her senses. She looked at him with such a lost expression so that Levi felt a pang of guilt. Wouldn't he have done the same if his family had been kidnapped right in front of him? But the comparison was impossible. Levi knew Mikasa and Eren were far from family. He'd noticed over time that she loved him more than life itself—and he was angry at her for those foolish feelings, and at himself for letting her into his heart. "We need a plan. We can't just charge in—brute force won't work here." Another nod. Thank the Walls—she understood and agreed. The respite didn't last long. That very evening, as soon as they figured out exactly why Kenny had kidnapped Eren, as soon as Mikasa found out, she immediately jumped to her feet, moving toward the door almost calmly—until Levi caught her by the shoulder. Touching her for the umpteenth time that day. He ached to hold her in his arms, crush her down to a tiny size, hide her deep inside his inner pocket, somewhere safer—somewhere she'd be secure, and then his soul could rest. But Mikasa almost wearily shrugged, trying to shake off his hand. Levi held on tighter. Mikasa frowned, looking at him with that same gaze—as if a real storm was brewing in her pupils. And he felt rage boiling inside him. At her, at Eren, at this whole damn chase, at the impossibility of simply admitting to himself that he had feelings too, that his heart hurt too. "I already told you—without a real plan, no one's going in there. What don't you understand, Ackerman?" His voice dropped unexpectedly, anger seeping through his teeth—but Mikasa wasn't afraid. "I'm not going to sit here while they try to feed Eren to a titan. You said yourself they wouldn't touch him. You were wrong." Her face was pure resolve. So clear, so unshakable, that he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. She was right—but only partly. Going there alone would be like digging her own grave. He couldn't allow that. "Let me go." He knew that phrase by heart. How many times had he heard it? The tone, the timbre, the Scout girl—none of it changed. Again and again, she put her own life below Eren's. Levi had placed his hopes on Eren, yes. But now it was clear—he wasn't handling it either. Eren was just a teenager. Just like the one standing in front of him. Foolish and far too confident in his own strength. Levi couldn't take it anymore. He'd never yelled at her like this before. His voice rose from the depths of his soul, expressing everything that had seemed utterly inexpressible: "Stop running after him like a loyal stray dog, god damn it! Will you just trust me for once?!" The door slammed behind them. Armin had decided to leave the battlefield. Probably for the best. Mikasa's face showed indignation, quickly turning to irritation. She tried to shake Levi off like a pesky fly, and when she jerked again, trying to break free, he stepped forward, pressing her against the wall. Mikasa hissed, nearly growled like a wild animal, kicked, and looked at Levi as if she hated every fibre of his being. Levi didn't care. Better she hate him than die because of that damn Yeager. Mikasa struggled, writhed for only a few moments—moments that stretched into an eternity. It seemed like any second now she'd sink her teeth into him. Wild—feral. Levi was still stronger. She could struggle all she wanted—he'd hold her. But suddenly, Mikasa slowed, stopped squirming, and then went limp, completely exhausted. Levi barely managed to catch her, sinking down to the floor with her. Mikasa fell against him. Her head rested on his shoulder, her hands clutching his shirt. Mikasa breathed raggedly—she'd spent all her strength on the outburst. She was so close, leaning on him, and his own heart pounded—whether from joy or from overwhelming longing, he couldn't tell. "I'm tired, Captain. I can't anymore…" She spoke softly, almost in a whisper—so plaintively that everything inside him turned over. Her voice sounded right by his ear; he could feel her warm and uneven breath. She was asking for his help. Begging him, waiting for the Captain to sort everything out again. She had no one left to rely on except him. There was only one problem—Levi didn't know if he could help. He wasn't almighty. Maybe this time it wouldn't work out. Maybe this time Eren couldn't be saved. Mikasa sniffled. Holy Maria—she was crying on his shoulder, and Levi spoke faster than he could think. He knew he shouldn't promise anything—but staying silent was unbearable. "I'll dig him up from under the ground if it comes to it, understand? I need him. Humanity needs him. I promise." He felt Mikasa crumple his shirt tighter, as if she needed more support. "Now we wait. We won't help Eren if we die before even reaching him. Do you trust me?" Levi didn't notice how his voice had softened, how his hands—still holding Mikasa tightly, overworked after such a long day—relaxed, gently stroking her delicate back. "Thank you." She sniffled, slid off his shoulder, buried her wet face in his chest—and immediately relaxed, as if she felt safe here, as if she knew Levi would do everything to help her. Mikasa pressed against him like he was her only lifeline—the only thing connecting her to Eren. Levi didn't realise how his lips touched her hair. Soft as silk. It felt so natural, so right at that moment, that he didn't doubt his actions for a second. He just held tighter to the one person who awakened the human in him. Let Eren bring too many troubles. Let rescuing him have cost the Scouts so many lives that Levi had to seriously consider whether it was even worth trying to pull him out of yet another mess—but a lost, flustered, frightened Mikasa disarmed him completely. Levi was angry at himself. He didn't understand why other people's suffering mattered to him. Why the relationship between two strangers affected him so much. But Mikasa had stopped being a stranger long ago. And even as longing and jealousy consumed his heart, he could no longer turn away from her.