The last letter

I loved you mindlessly and carefree,

I'd greet the dawn, your company my prize.

And it seemed a flawless thing to be

Alive, without you, knowing no goodbyes.

@TisForTae

For all these years, Taehyung's house hadn't changed at all. Jungkook had been on a business trip, and he definitely hadn't been here just a month ago — even though the trip had only lasted that long. He doesn't live with Taehyung. Their relationship over the past six months hadn't been very good: not the kind where you want to talk, where you want to visit just to see each other. On the contrary, Jungkook had wanted to be alone, to think about what he really felt for Taehyung. Attachment? Love? Fear of loss? Or maybe it was just plain old passion? They'd barely spoken in six months, yet each of them understood the other's thoughts perfectly. Jungkook's gut told him to go to Taehyung's today. His heart prickled with anxiety — it never did that for no reason, so something must have happened. And panic attacks don't just hit you out of nowhere. Jungkook knew Taehyung hadn't been feeling well lately, that he'd even had thoughts of suicide. Inside Taehyung's house, everything was destroyed: flimsy walls with kitchen knives sticking out of them, broken dishes, and torn paper; piles and piles of papers littering the floor — all different kinds. Some were intact, beautifully covered in Taehyung's precise handwriting; others were crumpled, the writing reduced to smears of ink where tears had fallen. And Jungkook knew exactly whose tears they were. All of this — the signs of a person falling apart. Jungkook refuses to accept this reality, one where he isn't there. Had Taehyung really killed himself? Even during their fights, it had never come to knives and trashing the house. Jungkook drops to the floor amidst the broken glass, gathering all the papers towards him, smearing his hands with blood — there was no other way to reach the notes. Shards cut his skin, but it doesn't matter; the shards of love had pierced far deeper long ago, under his skin, under his heart, disrupting every single breath. It's hard for Jungkook to breathe as he scoops up the papers. And this isn't just paper; these are Taehyung's letters. And they're all meant for him, he knows it, because Taehyung never had anyone else. Jungkook's eyes dart around in fear and agitation, skimming the lines, and if he can, his frantic mind even manages to grasp the meaning somewhere. It's a message, Jungkook can feel it — the last one.

It all started many months ago, Jungkook. We were together, we were good, right up until the moment I ruined everything. Or maybe we were never really good at all? My mind and my thoughts are so tangled now that I can't tell the truth from my own, sometimes terrifying, thoughts. Life is an illusion, isn't it, just like the imagined future — how dare we even envision it? You and me, it's laughable. An incompatible tandem, believe me. And I know you definitely won't believe it, that's just you, you always try to think practically, not like me.

On cold nights, I used to love standing by the window, Jungkook. I left you, but that doesn't mean I didn't suffer. Either way, I'm not defending myself — I don't deserve it. The view of the night city was beautiful, and standing on the edge of the roof was the height of madness. It became my passion these last months while we were apart. I'd watch the frantic life down below, where everything is fast and active, with no chance to stop or catch your breath.

Today was very cloudy, just like my mood: it never crossed the "sunny" mark, once I remembered you. Remembered what I did. Could I have not done it? I couldn't, I'm sorry.

They say that if we made a certain choice in the past, it had to be that way. My nerves were frayed, as was your understanding of what was happening. Kind and caring, always there and always ready to help, to support me in every state, in joy and in sorrow. I, on the other hand, wasn't eager to use that. Showing weakness, being a weakling — that's not me. I don't like looking vulnerable, I always deliberately act brave, just so you wouldn't think I'm a coward who can't do anything. And look how that turned out with you. Maybe I'm not a coward in other things, but with you — definitely, absolutely, in everything.

You turned me into some undefined mess, saying all those different things that got me all confused. Should I not have talked to others? Should I not have put other people above you? Which of these things was I not supposed to do?

I could have blamed a thousand and one illnesses for my outbursts. For yelling, for fighting for no apparent reason. And I saw how your eyes would dull, damn it, Jungkook, I saw it, but I did nothing to stop it. The freshly made dinner was still meant for me, but I felt ashamed. How can I eat the food of someone I've personally hurt?

Hurt not for a day or two, but for an eternity — the one that exists between us. It's terrifying. My new favorite word. Beautiful and resonant, just like you and me.

At that moment, I decided it would be best to end it all; I turned out to be too weak-willed. And also too cowardly to explain anything. You don't have a third eye to understand everything, but I didn't think of that.

You couldn't see my thoughts or why I became so nervous around you, but I could see your tears all too well. I saw them… even if it was the dead of night and pitch black, I could feel them in your silent breathing. We always slept in the same bed, I could feel you, your breath, your trembling. So big and strong, and yet you cried. Because of me, Jungkook…

I want to say that even the biggest person doesn't have a smaller heart, but mine turned out to be worthless, since I'm younger. And many times more foolish.

"I wasn't a good person, the way you thought I was, never, Taehyung," he whispers, knowing no one would try to hear his muttering anyway. "We're not good people, not at all, you're wrong." He remembers their walks together in the garden. Everything happy and beautiful, Taehyung getting cherry ice cream on his nose, laughing loudly and childishly, and Jungkook watching with a silent smile. Anything, just so he would smile, not be sad. They had shared hundreds of moments together, created hundreds and hundreds of new ones, until one such moment, everything started going downhill. Jungkook never had a chance to understand what happened. Attentive and loving, he was met with rude treatment. Suddenly and without warning. No one could be ready for that, except maybe a sworn enemy. One moment is built on the foundation of a thousand others, meaning time had passed before Taehyung decided to do this. With them, everything was always spontaneous and immediate. It was like that with Taehyung and Jungkook from the very beginning, and it continued right up until they reached the point of no return. Jungkook picks up the second letter, wiping the tears streaming down his cheeks with his fist. He had always felt things deeply, was many times more sensitive than other people. He had a lot of anxiety, about everything, everywhere, and Taehyung was definitely included in all of that. And it wasn't for nothing that Jungkook had worried about him, too. It hurts, it's infuriating, that the person he loved did this. Didn't say he needed time, didn't mention anything that was bothering him in the relationship, just simply decided to leave.

I am the most brainless creature in the universe. I'm laughing hysterically, because I've lost what was precious, and I no longer hope to get it back, even if it were handed to me on a silver platter. Your love and your devotion, I'll remember them forever. It hurts even to remember that not so long ago, you were exactly that way with me.

Only you could have done this — given a second chance and continued to believe that all was not lost. It requires effort on my part, you always tell me that, making me feel even guiltier. As if I didn't already know that everything that happened was only my fault. Although no, not only mine. Both people can't be the only one at fault if both are involved in the relationship. Isn't that what you told me?

People break up and get back together, many times over, but I just can't understand. Why aren't we like other people? Why, if we have a fight or some conflict, is it forever? Why can't we forget it and move on? One of us will inevitably dwell on it for a long time, no matter what happens.

I've always been kind of frivolous; even my friends tell me I have my head in the clouds and don't strive for anything in life. I didn't think it was really true. I realized this is how others see me.

Frivolous even in relationships? Possibly.

Jungkook can't understand why his Taehyung was so cowardly and why he couldn't just say it directly — he doesn't understand that either. Where is he now, and why are these letters here?

You were there when I needed you and when I didn't, but I chose to disappear during all the bad moments. As if anyone would think I'm depressed because of recent events. I didn't want to look weak, to cry in front of you every night and talk to you about it. All because you asked me about myself every day. I couldn't lie.

About the effort. I don't understand… I don't understand anything! What did I need to do to make things better? It did get a little better, but why? Only because we sometimes avoided the topic. Now that "better" doesn't exist, not between us — I personally destroyed it.

Who said we have the right to determine our own future? It doesn't exist, just like we don't exist in this whirlwind of life.

The soul always remembers every scar, silently watching all the actions, preferring not to interfere. Not during the day, but at night, on cold nights, when it's painful and lonely.

It's all futile, there is no second chance and there can't be. If the first person allowed themselves to treat the other horribly, how can the second person just swallow it, digest it, and then forget it? They can't, I know it. Your soul is vulnerable, Jungkook, you'll never forget this.

There's a saying: one meeting, one chance. That says it all. I'm weak, incredibly weak. So this is the last letter from the last such insignificant person on earth. I won't say clichéd phrases, like "I love you." But I do love you, truly, and I regret treating you badly. Watching the sunset by that little bridge was beautiful. Actually, it wasn't really, I realized I was there alone, without you, the most precious person in my life. Too bad I realized it too late.

I watched that sunset for the last time. I love you, Jungkook, more than life without you. Forgive me.

After reading, Jungkook doesn't wail, doesn't claw at his face with his nails from the feeling of loss. Taehyung wrote him a goodbye letter; he knew it. He gets up from the icy floor and surveys the billions of broken dishes, the dirty walls, the dusty shelves. What's the point? Taehyung is gone from life. Jungkook can feel the hysteria building. He's been robbed of the person closest to him, the meaning of his life. Yes, they had conflict, but that doesn't cancel out the love. And right now, Jungkook is terrified. He's terrified for Taehyung, for what's happened to his body after he jumped from the bridge, and he's unsettled about his own future, too. Jungkook cries, picking up a shard of glass. He feels like he could smash this house to pieces. Why did this have to happen, why to him?! Jungkook finds slippers by the bed, puts them on, and goes to the nightstand. He looks for any other messages from Taehyung. He searches for his clothes, his cologne, his jewelry, his photo album, his personal diary — he touches everything frantically, looking at the belongings in disbelief. Now he wants to go to the other side too, after learning that Taehyung is gone. The tears won't stop, and it gets harder to breathe with each passing moment. An overwhelming exhaustion from the emotional turmoil washes over Jungkook; he feels terribly sleepy. The man collapses onto Taehyung's bed, breathless with silent hysteria, greedily inhaling the scent of the pillow. It still smells like Taehyung; Jungkook can't get enough of it. Sometimes, feeling your loved one nearby is as necessary as air. Jungkook realized this too late.