He who belongs to the Numbers

When Doctor Brenner enters the room, everything changes. He brings wind with him, though Two can’t remember what the wind exactly feels like. That man has an aura, and this is an aura of a tornado. Power radiating from one person, and so much of it! When Doctor Brenner enters the room, the air is getting sucked out of it, it must be, because Two feels like gasping. He feels his heart start racing, and it is not unpleasant at all. It is exciting. And when the man in the room says “Good morning, children”, Two is eager to join his voice to the melodic chorus that fills the room: “Good morning, Papa!”. Every morning is a good morning when it is good for Papa. Two knows that well, and even if others might disagree with him, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t give a shit. He would never say that aloud, though, because Papa wouldn’t care for that kind of language. That is what he had once told one of the orderlies while Two so just happened to be nearby to hear that. Doctor Brenner didn’t notice him there, he didn’t know Two was listening, and the idea that Papa did not know something felt… forbidden. Exciting. He did something Papa did not know and got away with that. Fascinating. Two remembers Brenner using this word once while looking at him. Fascinating, the man said, and his whole face lit with a mix of emotions Two could not comprehend. When Papa smiled, everything in him smiled back, the way a sunflower turns its head towards the gentle rays of sun. Papa found it fascinating that he could make all the lights go at once. Two tasted blood, and it tasted sweet because he bled for Papa. So, Two made all the lights go again and overdid it, they blinked, popped and the light went off… but not from Papa’s face.

***

He has his friends. They are all the numbers that come after himself — Three, Four and Five, and that is good, that is right. Two likes to think of them as his pack. He remembers a day when one of the orderlies was reading to the smaller ones in the Rainbow Room, and that was a book about animals on a farm. Animals on the farm were a generous crowd, they gave their eggs, milk, wool and meat to the good old farmer. Something wasn’t right there, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Until he saw Papa and his wonderful smile. “Papa,” Two said when Brenner was preparing his never-ending game of guess-what-I-draw-next. The game needed a crayon and some paper. Two didn’t like this game much, he’d rather make the light-bulbs go all bright, that was somehow easier. “Who gives meat to a farmer on a farm?” “Cows and pigs do,” the man looked at him with the knowing eyes, and that was wonderful, because he got Two, Papa really got him. “But you surely know that already. What are you asking me about, Two?” “Do they die?” “They do, yes.” Two grew silent. He watched Brenner slowly tuning some sort of a machine that was supposed to show the brain-waves or something, and then he asked again: “What about other animals? Like wolves? Do they give their meat to farmers?” “They do not… should we try again with our little game? “Yes, Papa,” Two said and at that moment he decided to be a wolf. Wolves have packs. And so he created himself one. *** Two likes it that orderlies and staff never say “Papa”. They say “Dr.Brenner” and “Sir”, and that is right. That is how the world works. Because Papa belongs to them, the numbers. The children. He is theirs to keep and to love. Two doesn’t like it very much that there’re so many other numbers now, but he proudly remembers that he is the oldest, the first. But not really. “If you are Two, then who is One?” Eleven asks innocently. She is stupid and weak. She can’t move the toy-cars without touching them. She is no good at guessing the shape or the animal Papa draws in his sketchbook. And yet she makes Two feel like someone punched him in the face. He is never the first if he is Two. When he asks Papa next time, he doesn’t need any telepathy to know that the question didn’t please his personal God. Two feels that. He feels the toxic silence emanating from the man he strives to make happy with every test Two passes, every drop of blood dripping from his nostrils, every breath he takes. “There is no One,” the man replies finally, and Two smiles shyly. No One. No one. This is reassuring.

***

Two wins every time when they go against each other. He goes easy on the smallest and on his pack, because they know better than to question his authority… to shame him in front of Papa. But winning doesn’t feel great anymore. Papa doesn’t say anything but “good”. Not “fascinating”. Instead, he offers a candy that doesn’t taste sweet.

***

Peter Ballard is the orderly Two intensely dislikes because of his gentle smile and understanding eyes. How dares he have this smile, the type of smile Papa owns?! Two doesn’t miss a chance to make the orderly trip but Peter is smarter than others. “Don’t do that anymore,” he asks softly. And everything is soft about Peter. His hair that makes it look like a golden halo sometimes encircles his head. His smile that curves his lips, and those are not thin lips. His voice, his hands, his steps… Everything is soft about Peter but his eyes. They are cold and knowing. They are just like Papa’s eyes. Two hates that and wishes to gouge them out and play marbles with them. “What did I do?” Two asks innocently, smiling to this image of Peter crying on his knees and bloody tears smearing his face. “You know what you did,” Peter smiles back and adds. “And Papa will know as well.” “Don’t call him that!” snaps Two quickly losing it. “I will tell him that you are lying!” “Oh, Two… you should know better than that. Papa knows everything… will know, eventually.” “Fuck you,” Two says looking at the orderly, and that feels great. The word itself is rude and brutal. Fuck. And the force of this word makes Two hold his breath. Peter doesn’t seem to care. He smiles to himself, hums quietly and sets off. “I don’t want you to play pranks on orderlies,” says Papa next time they are working together. This time it’s the boxes he has to lift without touching them. “That is not nice, Two. The orderlies are here to help me.” “I can help you, Papa. I can do it better.” “Thank you. Still, don’t do that anymore.” Papa smells so good. He is never too close, and that is frustrating. Two dreams about the way Brenner smells, and in his dreams Papa is close. In his dreams Papa whispers “You are the One” in his ear, and doesn’t flinch when Two pulls him even closer. Abruptly. In his dreams Papa smiles and says “Fuck”, and the obscenity of the whole image, of the way his lips move, makes Two wake up gasping.

***

Two wants to be the One. He has a plan. He will become the strongest of them all. The best. He will make everyone crumble in front of him… and in front of Papa, of course. Especially Peter Ballard. Because Peter has no respect neither for Papa, not for Dr.Brenner. Peter dares to smile at the man while he thinks nobody is watching. Peter dares to disobey. And when Two is done with everyone, when Papa asks him – begs him – to stop, then and only then he will listen. And he will tell Peter to go and fuck himself. Because Papa belongs to the Numbers.