The Interviews

Tracy decided to take the next couple of weeks off from work to help Peyton get situated. Peyton felt she couldn’t be grateful enough. She realized she probably made much more than Jon ever made and was glad she probably didn’t have to worry about money. It flattered Peyton and had a way of making her feel special with the way Tracy was spending so much time on her. Did this fine person really care about her that much? She’d always admired Tracy. Tracy was one of those people who had an addictive personality that you couldn’t help but find yourself drawn to. She was calm and devoid of judgment. She seemed to accept you as you were and only wanted to help change what was necessary for a better life. Tracy might have been rather ordinary-looking in the eyes of most people, but her amazing personality gave her a touch of beauty in Peyton’s own eyes. During the warm summer months that followed, she and Tracy got along incredibly well despite their difference in personalities. They soon fell into a routine, which Tracy said was essential for adjusting to any new situation in life. Peyton knew that the “new” situation was the loss of Jon and being in someone else’s home. What she didn’t know, though she often found herself wondering, was how long Tracy had it in mind for her to stick around. Surely she had to know from all their talks that she wouldn’t be able to afford a place of her own, and even if she could, she would be absolutely miserable living alone. Also, just what was up with Tracy’s sexual preference? Not that it mattered, but Peyton was naturally curious. She was “boyish” enough to suggest she could be a lesbian, but feminine enough to suggest otherwise. Then again, Peyton herself was pretty feminine, yet she considered herself to be bisexual. Whatever the case may be, Peyton wasn’t about to put the woman on the spot by asking her what gender she preferred or how long she expected to share her home with her. Peyton had insisted on paying Tracy for allowing her to stay with her, but Tracy simply waved the offer off, saying that the house was all paid for, and food and electricity weren't a big deal, so she could use her money for things she wanted, like anything she might find on Amazon, a site she and Jon loved to shop on. “Besides,” Tracy pointed out, “it’s not like you’re not doing anything. You’re taking care of the house. That’s a big job.” Peyton settled in and they took early morning walks during the summer months, which Peyton had come to really enjoy. To her, it was valuable time spent with someone she had fast come to really admire. She also enjoyed quality time with her in the evenings. Weekends were a mix of things, people, and places. They briskly strode down their street. Ten minutes later, Peyton said, “Benne’s up early this morning.” “Yeah, she usually is,” said Tracy, turning toward the lighted window in front. Benne was one of Tracy’s sisters. Her other sister, Lisa, lived another few miles up the country road on which they walked. “Ever get afraid of running into bears out here or something?” “No, there are enough people here that they wouldn’t want to come into this area.” The days eventually turned to weeks. While Peyton missed Jon very much, she quickly came to adapt to her new life with Tracy. Tracy was one of the most easy-going and least judgmental people she had ever met, and she had always felt very comfortable with her. She felt like she could tell her anything. She just chose to be selective since she was living in her house and didn’t want to make the woman, however accepting and tolerant she may be, uncomfortable in any way. The more she came to admire the woman, the more she wanted to please her. So as not to leave Peyton alone too long, it was agreed that she would go to Benne's house in the mornings, where she would spend the mornings teaching her American Sign Language. Benne had wanted to learn ASL for a long time now. Benne worked at home selling insurance, so Peyton was doing her a favor as well as far as keeping her company went until her husband returned home at the end of the day. Tracy worked four days a week, ten hours a day. Since it wasn't necessary for Peyton to remain at Benne’s all day, she would usually head home after lunch and have dinner ready for both Tracy and herself when Tracy arrived home. Sometimes Tracy would insist on doing the cooking because she enjoyed doing so. Since Peyton didn’t find it very much fun, she was always more than happy to let Tracy take over and do the cooking. After dinner, the evenings were typically spent reading, watching TV, surfing the Internet, or chatting with each other. Peyton also visited social media sites and updated her blog. They usually did most of their chatting over dinner and then in the last half hour to an hour before bed. Peyton could see that Tracy was making a point of giving her enough time and attention, something Peyton was really grateful for. Before long, they would hug each other before going into each other's rooms for the night. Peyton was in the guest room just across the hall from Tracy. They left their doors open to give Peyton a safer, less lonely sense of being. Tracy’s bed was against the center of the exterior wall, while the twin bed Peyton slept on was in the corner straight ahead of the door. If it wasn’t dark and she moved her head toward the inner wall, she could probably see Tracy’s head, and Tracy could probably see her feet if she leaned over the edge of her bed a bit. Peyton opened up to Tracy a little more about her life each time they spoke, and Peyton was always glad to learn whatever she could about Tracy. Tracy fascinated her to the point that any little, trivial bit of information was considered valuable to Peyton. Weekends were spent doing much of the same things, only sometimes Tracy would have company, or they would go out shopping or to other people's homes. After a few weeks to a month, the hugs turned into cuddling on the couch while watching a movie together. At first, she felt guilty about the close contact but knew that Jon would want her to move on and do whatever made her happy, and the longer he remained missing, the more certain she felt that he was no longer alive. Peyton was coming to cherish those close moments with Tracy, and the thought of eventually having to move out and on with her life made her want to burst out crying. It wasn’t that she wasn’t willing to move on with her life; she just didn’t want to do it alone. But so far, Tracy hadn’t mentioned it, and neither did she. One day, Peyton realized that the weeks had turned into months, though it seemed a lot longer than that. She knew she’d made progress emotionally, slowly crawling out of her shell and regaining her will to live. Her house sold, and now she was hit with a newfound feeling she couldn’t help but feel guilty for. Tracy sensed her mood one day, not surprisingly, as she sat on the couch staring into nothing. “What’s wrong, babe?” Despite her glum mood, she couldn’t help feeling flattered by the psychologist’s choice of words to call her. Peyton shrugged hesitantly. Tracy took a seat next to her and gently rubbed her shoulder. “You know you can talk to me about anything.” “Yeah, I do,” Peyton said with a soft smile. “So…?” “So, is it bad to have a part of me hope that Jon is never found alive, given that I’ve sold our house and moved in with a beautiful woman I feel so comfortable with that I would swear I knew for years if I didn’t know any better?” Tracy blinked almost as if she were caught off guard and gave a slight smile. It was as if she, too, felt the same mixed emotions she felt. “You feel them… those same mixed emotions, huh?” Tracy looked thoughtful for a moment and then gave a quick nod as if to admit that yes, she just might. “Can you wish you could go back in time yet come to have enough feelings for someone that you want to move on? With them?” Tracy’s eyes watered with emotion, and then Peyton found her own eyes stinging with emotion. Tracy opened her arms, and Peyton scooted into her embrace. “It’s always ok to feel whatever it is you feel, sweetie,” Tracy told her. Peyton spent a moment sobbing on Tracy’s shoulder. When she pulled back, she said, “Thanks for letting me be me.” “Anytime,” she said with a smile. “So now what? Where do you want to go from here?” Peyton sniffed and looked out the window. Then she looked back at Tracy and said, “The only way I can go.” “Yeah?” Peyton nodded. “Yeah. Onward with whatever life brings my way.” Tracy smiled lovingly. “But I need some sense of direction.” “Meaning?” “Meaning some sense of the path I’m traveling on.” Tracy’s brows knitted. “Anything in particular you’d like to know or understand?” Peyton nodded; then she took a deep breath and bravely said, “If you’re going to eventually want the place back to yourself, then I don’t want to get any more emotionally invested in you than I already am, as that would only make it harder to break away.” Tracy sat down next to her and crossed her legs. She draped one arm over the arm of the couch and the other over the back. “Well, I don’t see any reason to go back to having this place all to myself. I think that would be rather lonely.” Peyton smiled. “I definitely don’t want to go it alone either.” “Then why go it alone when we can go it together?” Tracy asked, patting Peyton's back. Shyly and a bit hesitantly, Peyton scooted closer to Tracy. Tracy had a semi-amused expression on her face as if she found her desire and hesitancy cute. Peyton studied the woman’s warm brown eyes, and then Tracy held her arms open to her. “Come on,” she said. Peyton giggled and allowed Tracy to gather her into her arms, where the two enjoyed a long emotional embrace that comforted both of them. “Feeling ok?” Tracy asked a moment later. “I feel great. You?” “Better than ever.”