No Feelings

Following that incident, it was as if Butler had been completely forgotten. His path no longer crossed with Gabriel's, not even by accident. The daily summons to the office, once a constant, had ceased entirely. Butler had no clue what had caused this sudden shift, but figured he must have truly incensed Gabriel. He'd nearly paid with his life, yet he was now free from the everyday torment of listening to the major's sickening rhetoric and reacting to entertain him. Part of his psychological burden had finally been lifted, and Butler felt as though he could finally breathe easy. ‘If he'd just get rid of those pesky guards everywhere, it would be perfect.’ Having finished another so-called ‘working day,’ Butler headed to the room specially allocated for him here—where he used to spend only nights but now also evenings, since Gabriel no longer required his presence. In essence, it was a wonderful place, allowing him at least a little time in solitude—as far as that could be considered so, given the watchman at the entrance, who, Butler suspected, could hear every sound inside the room. This man greeted him now, as he approached the door, making little effort to conceal the mockery in his eyes. Everyone here looked at him that way, and he should be used to it by now, but he still felt like blindfolding them all. Sitting on a bed too big for one person, Butler listlessly took off his clothes, his gaze drifting aimlessly. It was still early, but he couldn't think of anything to do except sleep. The enforced idleness and lack of human contact, day after day, wore on him more than any demanding job or constant social interactions ever had. He had never realized how much he'd taken those things for granted. The door swung open quietly, and a smirk crept across Butler's face as he saw who it was. “Getting bored without me?” There was something off about Gabriel's face. It was devoid of his fake smile and mocking expression, devoid of any emotion at all. Just an empty, lifeless mask. Or maybe this was his real face. But then, as Butler asked, Gabriel smirked. “Something along those lines. Will you keep me company?” “It's not that I object,” Butler drawled, “but won't that guy at the door bother you? I'm pretty sure he can hear everything we say.” Gabriel nodded, confirming Butler's suspicions. “That's why I dismissed him for a while. Now there's no problem?” Butler hesitated, trying to think of another way to casually make Gabriel leave. Eventually, as he didn’t come up with anything better, he said, “You know, I'm not really up for a conversation right now. See, I'm about to turn in.” Butler said this and carried on where he'd left off, undoing the buttons on the shirt. He paused halfway down, noting the silence, and looked up to meet Gabriel's eyes. The other man quickly looked away. “All you have to do is listen. It shouldn't be too hard.” He went into the room and sat on the bed next to Butler, starting to speak. As before, it was a never-ending list of complaints: about his work duties, about his subordinates, about the failed plans to destroy the mafia (the latter still made Butler feel sick). Gabriel’s monologues always made it clear he'd barely survived another day, as he was dissatisfied with literally everything he mentioned. Except, of course, when some part of his monstrous plan went exactly as he wanted. That seemed to be the only thing that pleased him. And then… “It's a good thing I have you,” Gabriel said as he leaned back, stretching out across the bed. “I just can’t talk to those bores. As soon as I start, they quickly say something polite and disappear from my sight.” “They’re your subordinates.” Butler smiled. “They probably just respect you too much to chat about things that are not related to work. I understand.” Gabriel winced. “You're my subordinate too, and yet things are different with you.” “Well, I don’t have to be respectful,” Butler replied. He tossed his shirt carelessly over Gabriel's legs, onto the back of the bed. Behind him, he heard Gabriel laugh. “Right. No respect at all.” Then came a rustle and a creak. Gabriel sat up on the bed, and Butler could almost feel the other man's scrutiny on his skin. For some reason, at that moment, he thought about how long they'd been alone—far too long. Back when Gabriel used to summon him to his office, Butler had never stayed there for that length of time. And someone would always call or drop by, breaking the air of intimacy as soon as it formed. But now, it was completely different. Whatever lingered in the air of that room, making Butler uneasy and even a little anxious, wasn't going anywhere until he decided to leave. “But I like it,” Gabriel said. “No one else can talk to me so openly.” “That’s only because I know ‘too much,’” Butler managed a smirk, still trying to quell his growing unease. “And besides, you definitely didn’t like what I said last time.” He immediately regretted mentioning it. Reaching up to his neck, he touched the bruises and scratches that still felt unhealed since that incident, and the pain returned—along with the memory of how he had gotten them. A gloating smile, empty eyes that revealed nothing, and… arms that held him, wouldn’t let go, and tried to soothe him. Butler flinched as a cool hand touched his bare back, sliding down from the base of his neck and resting between his shoulder blades. “You simply need to learn to sense my mood,” Gabriel's voice was now very close, his breath tickling the skin at the nape of his neck. “To understand when it's best to remain silent and when you might say something to amuse me.” “What the hell are you doing?” Butler leaned forward slightly, trying to distance himself from the touch, but the other’s hand only slid lower, its fingers almost slipping beneath the waistband of his trousers. “And what are you doing? It's as if you're deliberately teasing me. I... I won't be able to hold back.” Unable to bear it any longer, Butler jumped up and turned, backing away several steps from the bed. Gabriel's eyes held a hint of confusion, but that look quickly changed, becoming calm and assured. A similar smile played on his lips. “What the hell are you saying?” Butler hissed, and despite his attempts to remain calm, he could clearly hear a note of panic in his own voice. “What kind of joke is this?” “A joke?” Gabriel repeated, slowly standing up. “Why do you assume I'm joking?” Butler said nothing, unable to find the words. Gabriel took a step toward him. “Because it's strange, isn't it? To imagine thatIcould wantyou... it's completely impossible. Absurd.” He laughed, and for a moment Butler thought that it really was nothing more than a silly joke. His lips trembled, twisting into a wry, strained smile. “Something like that.” Though he should have been more alert, Butler missed the moment Gabriel swiftly closed the distance between them, grabbed his elbow, pulled him close, and spun him around, forcing him back onto the bed. The fall was less than graceful, and Butler hissed in pain from his neck. By the time he'd recovered a bit and was about to sit up, Gabriel had pinned his wrists to the bed. “Let go of me,” Butler said quietly, looking into eyes that shimmered with an emotion he couldn't quite place. Laughing again, Gabriel leaned toward Butler's face, trailing his nose along his cheek to his chin. “What if I don't?” Butler knew that ragged breathing all too well. In fact, he was pretty sure he knew exactly what he'd seen in Gabriel's eyes. But he'd refused to admit it to himself—or rather, to believe it—because men never looked at him like that. And so, he began to struggle as hard as he could against the restraining hands. “Easy now, easy,” Gabriel's soft laughter sent shivers down Butler's spine, and for some reason, Butler did stop struggling, only making weak attempts to slip away from the weight on top of him. “Remember what I told you at the beginning? You're my possession. You belong to me, and that means I can do whatever I want with you.” Gabriel's hands were already sliding along Butler's body, tracing his sides before reaching for his trousers. Just as he was about to take them off, Butler grabbed Gabriel's shoulders and pushed him away. “Not a chance.” He heard his own voice, trembling with a mix of anger, disgust, and fear. The last emotion was one he couldn't quite shake, though he knew he had nothing to fear—after all, Gabriel couldn't handle him alone. “I could put up with a lot,” Butler said, pushing himself up to the edge of the bed as Gabriel watched silently, making no move to stop him. “But this is out of…” He didn't finish the sentence—only a gasp escaped his lips as Gabriel's hands clamped down on his shoulders and pulled him back onto the bed. “Hey, nothing's changed, Phil,” he whispered, leaning close to Butler’s ear. “Everything that was important before is still important now, isn't it? That's why”—he tangled his fingers in Butler's hair and pulled him close—“I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset me.” “What are you talking about?” Butler snapped, jerking to free himself. But a moment later, the meaning of those words sunk in, and he froze. “Ange... No, you can't... Don’t you dare touch her!” Gabriel pulled back slightly and looked into his eyes, smiling. “She'll be fine, Phil. But, as always,” he said, trailing his fingers lightly down Butler's cheek and leaning in again, “everything depends on you.” Butler closed his eyes, feeling the other's breath close to his cheek, then the sliding touch of lips along his cheekbone and chin, gradually descending to his neck. He no longer resisted. In his position, he could only swallow the lump in his throat, clench his teeth, and hope the moisture welling up at the corners of his eyes wasn't too noticeable. A gentle bite to his neck made him wince in pain, simply because it aggravated the worst of the scratches—the most visible one, the one that still often reminded him of itself with unpleasant sensations. At that moment, he braced himself to endure whatever came next, no matter how painful or disgusting—but he was completely unprepared for how difficult it would be to hold back. Because now Gabriel was kissing his neck, still occasionally nipping at the skin with his teeth, but trying not to touch the injuries he himself had inflicted. He pressed his lips lightly, ran his tongue over the bite several times, and moved lower, covering Butler’s neck, collarbones, shoulders, and chest with such wet kisses. Butler's whole body was trembling, and he would have preferred to attribute it to cold or disgust, but all his self-deception crumbled when he groaned through clenched teeth, arching his back slightly. “Do you like it?” Gabriel breathed into his face. Mustering the courage to meet the other man's eyes, Butler saw that the lust in them was now diluted with a hint of the interest one might have when observing a particularly curious specimen. He turned away, biting his lips and swallowing tears he could no longer hold back. If only he could disappear, fall somewhere, just erase himself from this moment and this place… “You don't know,” Gabriel murmured, his kisses moving from Butler’s chest to his lower abdomen, “how often I've imagined this... All these days we haven't seen each other... I couldn't stop thinking about you.” The touch of lips and tongue on this part of his body made it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything, and in general, his ability to think was impaired—but Butler still managed to grasp what he had heard. As it turned out, his assumptions about why Gabriel had avoided him for so long were very far from the truth. “So, you've been holding back all this time?” Gabriel pulled back, and Butler met his gaze again—but now, those eyes looked thoughtful and slightly lost. This reaction suddenly gave Butler such a surge of confidence that he allowed himself a smirk. “You've been doing a pretty good job of it so far. Maybe you should continue in the same vein? You remember who I am—how can you possibly like me?” Now he'd hit the nail on the head. A familiar coldness appeared in Gabriel's eyes—so tangible that Butler's skin crawled, and his body began to shake. Smiling wryly, Gabriel ran his hand over Butler's torso, lightly scratching the skin with his nails and pressing harder in places—as if unintentionally, but just enough to cause pain. “‘A pretty good job’, huh?” He leaned toward Butler and buried his face in his hair, speaking in a breaking whisper—where notes of despair were all too clear. “If that were the case, I wouldn't be here now, and I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing. If that were the case, I would have gotten you out of my head long ago—but I can't, I can't...” “Seriously, you should stop.” Butler pressed against Gabriel's shoulders, trying to push him away—and, unexpectedly, the other man gave in, staring at him questioningly. “You'll only make things worse,” Butler explained, glancing away. “If you get confused about your feelings, you may eventually stop understanding what to do next. It might even ruin your whole...” “What feelings, Phil?” “What?” “I'm saying,” a familiarly disgusting smile appeared on Gabriel's lips, “that I have no ‘feelings’ for you. It's just that you excite me so much that I can't think about anything else.” Butler turned away and immediately felt Gabriel nuzzle his neck. “So, if I do to you now everything I've been imagining for so long…” Gabriel’s hand slid down Butler's body once more, but this time slowly and softly, from his neck to his lower abdomen. “Wouldn't it make me feel better?” Gabriel gave a quiet laugh and resumed kissing, starting at Butler’s shoulders and quickly moving lower. Butler clenched his teeth, tilting his head back slightly. “In that case, why’ve you been holding back at all?” he hissed. Gabriel leaned up and touched the tip of his nose to Butler’s temple, his whisper brushing Butler’s ear. “I think I was annoyed that I couldn't control it. But”—his laugh came from just beside Butler’s neck—“I guess I'll have to admit that not everything is in my power. Still, it’s okay”—wet kisses again covered Butler’s chest, while burning hands stroked his stomach—“because you're always here, always at my disposal...” Time crawled at an excruciatingly slow pace—at least, that's how it felt to Butler. By the time he was biting his lip hard enough to draw blood to stifle any sound, Gabriel finally pulled away—only to start undressing, it seemed. All the while, he never took his heavy gaze off Butler, his eyes unusually dark, and he was visibly trembling. Butler, on the other hand, tried his best not to look at him at all. What was happening stirred a wild mix of emotions in him, making his heart pound furiously in his chest. The dominant emotion was fear. The fear for his younger sister's fate—a sore spot that Gabriel relentlessly and ruthlessly exploited. The fear of making a mistake and angering him, which kept Butler from resisting. And finally, the simple fear of what he was about to go through for the first time in his life. He still wanted to believe it would be the only time. With a swift motion, Gabriel pulled Butler’s pants and underwear down together, then paused for a few seconds, shamelessly examining the naked body before him. Butler turned his face as far away as his position allowed but could feel his ears burning. “You have a beautiful body,” Gabriel whispered into his ear, only adding fuel to the fire of shame that consumed Butler. “God, please, just be quiet,” he mumbled, shivering when Gabriel let out a soft chuckle. Then he felt Gabriel's hands on his thighs, their gentle but insistent stroking trying to pry his legs apart. This action sent a wave of completely uncontrollable fear through Butler, and he clamped his legs together tightly. Turning to face Gabriel, he met a gaze that held a silent question. “Please, don’t do this,” he said in a trembling voice. Tears streamed down his cheeks. A spark of understanding lit up in Gabriel's clouded eyes, and he smiled—a smile that seemed much softer than usual. “You’re scared, aren’t you? Of course you are.” He leaned closer, his lips near Butler's ear. “You’ve been through so much, but no one has ever done this to you, have they?” Butler inhaled, but instead of the usual sound, he heard a shameful sob. The next second, his breath hitched from an unbearably pleasant sensation that coursed through his entire body, tingling at his fingertips. He didn't immediately realize what had caused it, only figuring it out when Gabriel slowly ran his tongue around the inside of his ear again. The sensation repeated itself, and he groaned, quickly covering his mouth with his hand in horror. “See?” Gabriel smirked and spoke in a soothing voice, “You can enjoy this too. So there's no need to be afraid. Calm down…” He gently bit the skin on Butler’s neck. “Calm down…” Now, every touch and kiss from Gabriel felt a thousand times more pleasurable than before—so much that Butler could no longer suppress his quiet, muffled moans. The words Gabriel repeated over and over whenever he momentarily pulled away from Butler’s skin seeped into his consciousness, having the same effect as before—Butler gave in. His body relaxed, and soon he realized that his legs were no longer clamped together, but he couldn't resist. The haze of pleasure in his mind cleared slightly when the other’s fingers entered him abruptly, moving with rough intensity. Butler hissed, involuntarily trying to free himself from the tight hold, but Gabriel gripped his thigh firmly with his other hand. “Don’t worry, everything will be alright,” the other man continued to assure him, but Butler no longer believed him. But in that position, it was impossible to move even a millimeter, so he closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, trying to silently endure the nauseating mix of pleasurable and painful sensations. Before long, Gabriel groaned, pressing his whole body against Butler and biting his shoulder hard. Butler winced in pain. “I can’t take it anymore, Phil, I want you so much…” A shiver ran down Butler's spine, his cheeks burning as if they were on fire. His legs were forced open wider, the intrusive fingers disappeared, and he breathed a sigh of relief—only to tense up immediately as he realized the worst was yet to come. There was a pause during which he could only hear a suspicious rustling sound from the nightstand, prompting him to lift his eyelids and sneak a glance at what was happening. At the sight of what Gabriel retrieved, his eyes widened, and a lump rose in his throat from the realization that followed. “You planned this from the beginning, didn’t you?” Butler's voice trembled as he looked away. “Even when you sent me to this room?” “And you didn't bother to check what was in here, did you?” Gabriel laughed, tearing open a condom package and simultaneously opening a bottle filled with a liquid that could only be lube. “No, whatever you’re guessing right now, I didn’t plan this. Originally, it was here for other purposes, but… luckily, it’s been preserved until now, and we’ll need it. It’ll make things easier for you too.” “Is this how you care for me?” Butler forced himself to smile with feigned indifference, just to hide that everything inside him was trembling with fear. He felt a slimy, appraising gaze slide over him. “More like I’m looking out for myself. Who knows what someone like you might be carrying.” Butler shuddered at those words and couldn’t help but wonder how Gabriel could feel any desire for someone he viewed with such disgust. Swallowing hard, he said, still looking away: “I don’t know if it matters to say this, but… be careful, okay? It’s my first time, after all.” Gabriel laughed, and Butler winced regretfully, convinced his request would be useless. “I’ll try my best,” Gabriel whispered in his ear, not even trying to hide his sarcasm. “Just relax, or it will hurt more.” That last part, however, seemed like sound advice—but it also left Butler dumbfounded. How could he possibly relax in such a situation? He didn't have time to ask that question. A searing pain shot up from his lower abdomen, forcing a loud cry from his throat. Gabriel entered slowly, but it did nothing to ease the pain—each movement sent a sharp, tearing sensation through Butler, as if he were being ripped apart. Tears streamed down his cheeks again, and he threw his head back in a futile attempt to stop them. Once fully inside, Gabriel paused, burying his face against Butler's collarbone. “It feels so good, Phil,” he moaned softly, his lips brushing lightly against the skin. Then he began to move, gradually picking up speed, and each thrust tore a new cry of pain from Butler's mouth. As he opened his eyes, he couldn't see a clear picture—tears clouded his vision, turning everything into a blurry haze. “It h-hurts,” Butler managed to say. “Please, stop…” Gabriel didn't seem to hear him, or perhaps he didn't want to. He was completely lost in his own sensations. He bit Butler's earlobe, kissed his neck and shoulders, and repeated his name over and over through moans of pleasure that grew louder and louder. Meanwhile, Butler felt only a growing, unbearable pain spreading through his lower body, and with each passing second, he felt himself getting closer to losing consciousness. Fortunately or unfortunately, it ended sooner than that. With one final thrust, Gabriel groaned loudly, forcefully pressing Butler's body into the bed, so close that Butler could feel him trembling violently. “Phil…” he breathed into Butler’s ear, sending shivers down his spine again. For the next few seconds, Gabriel didn't move, catching his breath. Then he pulled away, his gaze fixed on Butler's face. Butler couldn't turn away now—all he had the strength for was to close his eyes and avoid looking into those opposite eyes. In this pathetic state, with a face wet with tears and bitten lips, in front of the one who had reduced him to this, he felt completely defenseless and utterly vulnerable. And it was... the worst of anything he had ever experienced. “Ha, haha, hahahaha…” Butler flinched at the sound of that laughter—at first broken, it grew more and more disgusting with each passing second. He opened his eyes and instantly regretted it. It was hard to imagine a more repulsive sight than that malicious smile spreading across Gabriel's face. “You look amazing, Phil.” There was such obvious mockery in the other man’s tone that Butler could no longer bear it. So as soon as Gabriel climbed off him and began to get dressed, he turned onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillow, bursting into tears. The rustling of clothes nearby stopped—but only for a second. Then Butler stopped paying attention to any sounds in the room except his own racking sobs. He'd been humiliated, disgraced in a way he'd probably never be able to wash away. Even after scrubbing off all the physical traces, he wouldn't be free of it—because it was all imprinted on his memory, every sensation etched deep into his skin and flesh, impossible to erase. In that moment, he wanted to escape, to shut down, to think of nothing. He might have even welcomed death. The other’s hand gently touched his trembling back, and Butler froze, another sob catching in his throat. He waited to see what would happen next, but the touch disappeared almost instantly. The bed creaked softly, and he heard footsteps fading away. A few seconds later, complete silence filled the room. And in that enveloping silence, Butler lay there, his head turned toward the closed door, his eyes staring blankly. The tears had stopped. Later, he found the strength to get up and make his way to the bathroom, first hastily throwing on some clothes that had been carelessly tossed in the corner of the bed. Oddly enough, there were no observers along the way—neither at the entrance to his room nor at the bathroom. The entire corridor was empty. And that was incredibly fortunate—not a single witness to how pathetic he looked in that moment. After spending a long time in the shower, he emerged from the bathroom with an almost steady gait, holding his back as straight as possible. Even if no one was watching, it gave him confidence—it made him feel like he wasn't broken yet. I’m not broken yet, am I? Butler gave a bitter smile. He jumped when he saw the guard standing at his door, as if he had materialized out of nowhere. The guard stared at him,wide-eyed. “Are you alright, Captain?” It seemed all his effort to look decent had been for nothing. Butler swallowed and forced a fake smile. “Everything's perfectly fine,” he said. The guard clearly didn't believe him, and Butler felt a flicker of disappointment. If even one person had believed his lie, maybe he could have convinced himself it was true.