!Shockhead Ted!

“You’re a character,” somebody told me once, all smiling. I knew what she meant bycharacter.She could have said I wasfunny.But when somebody makes me leery that ain’t what I call him. I say, “Buddy, you’re a live wire.” Have you ever touched a live wire?  Afterwards you’re stiff and sore a week. That’s because it pulls you tighter than a day-old corpse when it happens. The electricity does that.

I Hit Rose with a Train

I have heard somebody say, or maybe I’ve read it somewhere too, how something hit somebody like a freight train. Like they wasrealsurprised, was what they meant. And it is sometimes that I’m sure—a real surprise. But what I picture more about all that is what they call the strawberry jam. That’s the stuff that gets all on the front of your engine, right? When a person gets hit by a freight train. At least a freight train that is really running. But that’s not always what happens, not every time. The first time I hit someone with a train I had been on the railroad ten years or more, and it’s funny it took me that long if you think, because it happens all the time. I can’t remember what day it was or where I had been at that morning, what I was thinking of before, nor nothing like that. But I can tell you just how it was when it happened, because the second it happened it burnt in the back of my eyes, right, where I can see it any time. It was hot. 88 degrees and still as concrete. I like when there’s real weather, any sort of a weather. Rain or wind or snow or whatever, storms. It’s not like I get premonitions, but I have got some of that in my family and it is true that I never felt worse than feeling bad—feeling something will drop no matter what you do—on a hot no-weather day. It was right after where they had these painted signs.  They were new then. There must have been two dozen nailed to trees, outside of town, so it’s like a shaky movie when you go by at seventy mile an hour. They said,

THE END IS NEAR!

I guess when you see that it is generally on a painted sign. I thought they should have said more. You have got to work harder than that. “Did you see that?” I called to Reuben Roy, the engineer, and he said, “What?” and leant to hear me. But we were past. “Forget it.” I checked on the fire, then looked out the window and there was the trestle. There was the waterfall. There was Rose, on the far side, with the sun on her hair like a penny. I saw her stand up. “Fuck,” I said, but nobody heard me. Reuben had seen her and pulled on his whistle, I grabbed on the brakes and dropped back on my heels to the floor, where I couldn’t see nothing but sky, blue sky. Rose was Rose Sheehan, she sorted the mail. She had this hair like they call auburn. When we were little she had a wall-eye, like a funny eye? But then she wore an eyepatch and it fixed it. At school we used to play at whalers and a whale’d get us and we’d end up in a lifeboat every time, and in the end sometimes she’d eat me so we wouldn’t starve to death. I always liked to lay around, and with her many-color hair I liked to lay there getting eaten. And I had seen her in the evening, even, walking up the tracks. Just lately. I didn’t even wonder what her business was. It was always sunset, glowing coals. The sun lit her up just ahead of the pines, a halo of fire, she had on a white waist and it showed the sun through like a lantern and I thought,my,she’s pretty.  The whistle went up, and down. And up, and down. And up, and down. Before we were still.  I thought for a second that we must have missed her, cause I didn't feel anything. But I wouldn’t, would I, she’d go flat like a souvenir coin on the tracks, like jelly, like jam, she already had. Reuben was standing there staring, all stiff. The cicadas were buzzing and buzzed in my head. I got to my feet. I felt crazy.  I jumped down in the gravel and it sounded so loud, out there. The water sang cheerful and so did the birds, but I couldn’t see them. Once I got down everything was still. Rose had been thrown to the side up aways, caught upside down in the brush like old clothes.  I went crashing over. Shook her arm. She never moved, her eyes were shut. Blood was in her nose. “Rose?” I said? I was all out of breath. “Are you okay?” There was blood in her teeth too.  She had a look on like she was confused, like it hurt her still. I gathered her up. Carried her up on the ties and laid her down, with the rail for a pillow. It didn’t look comfortable. I was so embarrassed. I put my hand under her head on the iron. She looked dead. She was dead.  “Come on, girlie,” I said, “Oh God. Oh please. Come on.” I had a hum in the back of my face, I’d been awake too long, this wasn’t real. “Comeon.” I moved her coat aside and tried to feel her heart. But I couldn’t. For when I touched her there was a great crack. The corners of my eyes went dark and she jumped like I never saw anyone jump, jumped where she lay and gave a great beached-fish rattle. I fell back and she stared at me big-eyed. Sucked air. Stared while I knelt by again. “God I’m sorry Rose,” I said. She blinked. I wondered should I hold her head some more. “Huh?” she said?” “You’re alive,” I told her. Her eyes were hazel-brown, I never knew or I’d forgotten. “What?” she whispered. “You ain’t dead,” I said. “It’s just thank God Rose, you ain’t dead, that’s all.”  She shook her head like she didn’t understand.“What?” She said again. “Nothing,” I said, like you saythank God. “I didn’t say anything.” She looked at me like she had never seen a living person. “Don’t worry. Just uh. Lie still,” I said.  She lay still. I took her up again and stood up like some drunk, she was heavier than before. She rolled right in on herself, shoulders folded up together, and looked at me all wonder, head bouncing like a baby’s. “There,” I told her. “See? It’s okay.” She didn’t say nothing more. So I laid her down in the engine on the bench and we started going again like nothing had happened. I couldn’t understand how she’d done it but she had, she’d lived.  I thought somebody ought to talk with her and not just look but it’s too loud in there to say very much. I kicked the legs of it if ever she’d close her eyes too long, so she just stared and stared, eyes flicking back and forth, watching out the window. They took her to the hospital. I stayed with her all the time we waited. I wished I could think what to say but I just sat beside her mostly. She lay quiet all along, but she sort of reached out for me when they took her away. It was like ice in my heart, in a good way, I never would have thought she’d do a thing like that for me. After I hit her with a train, especially. I got the day off after that. But nobody was around, I mean, everyone else was working, so.  I sat a while with Reuben. He likes when you visit with him after work, at least I think he does. It’s hard to know what Reuben really likes. His face is kind of loose, like he’s asleep with his eyes open. It never changes much unless you look at him too long. Then his jaw falls open and he turns real pale and if you don’t blink or look away or something his whole head will fall off. Roll about the ground. Still as they go it’s a pretty nice head. He’s kind of a suntanned handsome fellow with thick waving hair and a great mustache like guys had thirty years ago.  Reuben has a little armchair in his cab, nailed to the floor. But he hasn’t used it in a long time. He mostly sits on the floor and plays guitar. So I sat in the chair and I thought about Rose. How she looked waiting on the rise for the train to come. How she must have looked when it hit her. Like a ragdoll. “Say Captain,” I said. He kept going. “You ever hit somebody with the train before?” He muffled his strings down. “Oh certainly, young man.” He always calls meJack, oryoung manormy boy, or something, even though he was pretty young when he bit it, and lately he don’t look so much older than me. “What did you do about it?” I asked him. “There’s nothing youcando, generally, it’s mighty quick.” “Well sure,” I said. “But I mean afterwards, what did you do.” “What do you mean.” “Well I feel pretty badly about it, I mean.” I mean wehit Rose with a train. “Now hear me, Jack,” said Reuben, “You mustn’t blame yourself. On no account.”  He started playing again. “It’s no fault of ours the train runs at all, not ours alone, and besides if a man should leap from a bridge, you can’t blame the bridge, can you?” “I guess not.” “Besides if a man is determined that way there is no stopping him.” “Or a girl,” I said. ”I guess.” ”I know!” said Reuben. “If a man really means it he will find some way in the end.” I hadn’t nothing to say to that. “But if you grieve yourself sick then you could cause an accident and thatwouldbe your doing, won’t it,” he said. “Sure.” I thought again of it hitting her. Wondered if she bounced. Felt crazy. I couldn’t take much more of Reuben then. I decided I would go down to the Junior High and wait for noon dinner, for I have a sister who is pretty sensible.  The day was still and the bench was warm and I thought about laying down and going to sleep. My eyes would try and shut any time I sat still in those days. But I didn’t want to scare nobody so I sat and tried to think like Rose was dying when I saw her and must be dead by now, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she only seemed alright and died instead in a day or in a week. I was looking at white, white fabric, and the train rocking round the corners of my eyes. She was alright.  “Ted!” I jumped and it went away and I was on the bench of course, only I was looking at the ground, at button shoes in the grass. “Ted?” said Jemima. I straightened myself. “Yeah hey,” I said. She laughed a little. “Was you up early?” she asked. Jemima is my baby sister. She’s got this wicked grin, and three blue teeth, and eyes that look black in the shade and look red in the sun. Eyes like a bird who steals things. Crow eyes. “Yeah,” I said. “Is it dinner already?” There were no other kids around. “Not yet,” said Jemima. “Mrs. Kerper saw you through the window.” “Yeah? What did she say,” I asked. She never liked me, nor any of my brothers. Except Tom but he’s practically a girl. “She said ‘Jemima your brother is out there, you’d better go see what he wants, come right back.’” She smiled and held out her hands. “What can I do for you?” “You’re a greedy little woman,” I said. I gave her her toffee. It’s just regular toffee. It’s twelve cents a pound. That’s nice about kids, it’s so easy to make them happy. “Thanks!” she cried. She cocked her head sideways and her ribbons flopped like rabbit ears. “I thought you was going to Montreal.” “Naw. Something happened.” “Oh!” She bounced a little. “Well since you’re back do you want to go to the movies or something?” “Ain’t there something you’re forgetting?” She shrugged. “What are you doing in there anyway? These days,” I said. “Well,”she said with a great sigh. “It’s a good thing you come by when you did, I’m having aterribletime of it. It’s all bushels and pecks, bushels and pecks,” “Mm.” “It’s boring as Hell,” she said. “Don’t say that.”  She flopped down on the bench, braced her feet against me. “We was supposed to start algebra but some of the boys don’t know the letters from the numbers I don’t think, Jackie Gardener, he’s the worst.” “I thought you liked him,” I said. “Idid.He told the whole Presbyterian Bible School we was going together! Weweren’t,” she said. “Well,” I said. “Who needs him.” “You don’t gotta askme,” she said. “Mm.” I couldn’t think what to talk about just then. Usually Jemima is good for that. “Want to go to the movies tonight? I ain’t been to the movies in a dog’s age.” “Aw I can’t,” she said, “I’ve got a date.” “What do you mean you’ve got a date?” “I mean I’ve got a date! With Thackery.” “Thackery who?” “Thackery Walsh,” she said. ”There’s only one Thackery, you know.” “I wonder why,” I said. “Say you don’t gotta get sore about it,” said Jemima. “You just don’t like me going withnobody.” “You should do what you think you ought to. You’ve got your whole life to worry about that. That’s all,” I said. “Start early you’re just borrowing trouble.” Jemima stuffed her mouth full. “Borrow any trouble from Rose at the depot lately?” she asked.  “She won’t lend me none,” I said after a second. My face felt weird again. Jemima raised her eyebrows. “Well,” she said, “If we ain’t going nowhere then what did you want?” I thought about asking her what do you say to a girl who jumps in front of your train, if you happen to see her around sometime. But Jemima’s eleven.  “I just wanted to see how you were,” I said. “Say hello.” “Me?” she said. Made a face. “I’m fine! Are you?” “Yeah.” “That’s good.Well,”she said, and sighed again. “I guess I oughta go. But I’m just about bored out of my wits, there’s nothing to do but wait for Halloween and that’s not for ages. Please come around just anytime at all,” she said. “Thanks,” I said. “Will you come home for supper?” “Probably.” “Okay.” She rolled off the bench into the dirt. Then she went back in, and there was really nothing else to do. It didn’t seem right to go to the movies really so I went home. I live in an old switchhouse. It’s great. On the bottom I have this stove and a table, you know. A kitchen. Upstairs I have a bed and a whole nother stove, I pinch a deal of coal and I keep warm. Of course across the middle of the upstairs are the switches, too. Big levers all stuck to one side. One of the windows did get broken, and the space behind the switches, I don’t know–whatever it was made of, the wall was beginning to flake, it’s funny. You’d think the part you use would be the part to fall apart, but it’s like my sister says, any sort of thing can get lonely and die. Anyway I got it just the way I liked it and right away it made me sad, cause there was nobody around.  I was so lonely. I could taste it. It was salty. I wondered if that was how Rose felt. I hoped not. What could I expect if I felt like Rose.