Footsteps Follow

It's hard to know where to start writing. From present day? From the beginning? Where is the beginning? Maybe the night I met my husband. Our relationship was 8 years long. I don't think this story will tell the entirety of those 8 years. But I suppose there is no where else to begin than from the start. __ We met on St. Patrick's Day, which is also my husband's birthday. One of my favourite live music venues around this time was an East Coast bar. My favourite location had recently closed, and they had opened up a new location which was even closer to home. I made plans to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with a good guy friend and his ex-girlfriend, who was actually meeting up with a girl that she had met the night before. The three of us stood in line together, pre-drinking in typical East-Coast fashion. It was fairly warm as we stood outside, and the wait didn't feel too long with the conversation and drinks. Once inside, my guy friend and I did a lot of flipping-around dancing. He's really good at it, and I could fake it having once dated a Colombian and dancing salsa, bachata and merengue frequently once upon a time. I was fairly recent out of a break up, and a rare occasion when I was single, ever the serial monogamist. My last long-term relationship ended in a broken engagement after 7 and a half years, and I as a codependent, was still aching after an 11-month relationship that I didn't choose to end, and had tried to ease the pain by trying my hand at a few less-than-a-year relationships I'd met by swiping right. I had sworn off online dating, and this night in particular I promised myself I was not looking for love. I had a 'stay single' list of to-dos on my phone that I wanted to check off before entering into another relationship (some of which I still, almost 9 years later, have not accomplished to this day). I spent most of the night with my two friends. My friends' ex disappeared when her date arrived - I actually don't remember meeting the date that night, if I did. If so, they left pretty quickly after that. Closer to the end of the night, I was standing at the bar ordering drinks for my friend and I. I looked to the dance floor and a tall, dark and handsome man caught my eye. It seemed we caught each others' eye, and I remember doing the 'is he looking at me?' move of looking behind me to see who he was actually looking at. I thought he might be younger than me and probably not interested. But it seemed that he was meeting my gaze. I waited for a while at the bar for him to approach me. Such a handsome guy had to have a girl that he was entertaining. I watched for a while, periodically making eye contact and checking that the interest was there. It didn't appear that he was going to make the first move. I had had enough to drink that I decided to approach him. It was a longer walk from the bar to the dance floor than had appeared. I saw his face light up as I got closer. I introduced myself and asked if he'd like me to buy him a drink. He couldn't know it, but this was very out of character for me, other than for the 11-month relationship that had broken my heart. I had bought that guy several Caesars as a flirtation at music events, and I decided to do the same here. I never accepted drinks from men other than those that I was dating, and I didn't realize it at the time, but this was very codependent of me. See what I can bring to the relationship! I'm the cool girl that will buy you a drink! I do not remember anything we spoke about that night, other than a few pieces here and there. But I remember laughing, and it seeming like we had a lot in common. The conversation never lapsed and when he invited me over, I used my guy friend as a gauge to whether that would be a safe option. He was okay with it, so for the first time in my life I went home with a guy the first night that we met. I remember having the thought that this could potentially be a one-night-stand, if he was not being honest with me as I said yes on the condition that he understood that is not all that I wanted. I have a pretty good intuition, despite ignoring it a lot of the time and almost all of the time at the point in my life, and I felt deep-down that he was an interested as I was. I fully support anyone who has ever had a one-night stand and wanted it, but that was never my style. I generally am not attracted to many men, and my shortest relationships were from high school and university, which were 3 and 4 years long (so, for the entirely of those time periods). If I could go back in time to talk to this version of me, I would most certainly use the 'I have good news and bad news' cliche. Good news: it isn't a one-night stand, and you end up marrying this man and having his children. Bad news: it's a highly toxic relationship, and he tried to destroy and all you care about at the end. I still, speaking with my younger self, would not dissuade myself from this relationship. Although it lead to the worst year of my life at the end, as well as almost destroyed both me and almost everything I worked towards and held dear, it created two perfect boys that I would go through this experience 100 times over if I could chose them as my children again. Nothing could ever take away the utter incomprehensible gratitude I have for getting to be their mother, and the joy I have at having the rest of our lives together to look forward to. I have already received so much from their lives: they are the reason that I was put on this earth. I have never had the example of someone having unconditional love for me, and yet I had it for them before they were even born. And ultimately, their existence saved us, and they were my reason for leaving. So that this wouldn't be their example of love, and to save them from this hell. They are my heaven, and I will continue to fight for their right to live without abuse until I am not here anymore.