Loneliness

“Describe to me what loneliness feels like,” the therapist asked. Her glasses shined, reflecting the light from the window. I couldn't see her eyes clearly. I hesitated. She never asked such things before. My head was completely empty, but after gathering some thoughts, I was moved to speak. Then I answered, “Loneliness is a ghostly touch that shatters your soul. It hugs you slowly, then strangles you to death. It’s like drowning — no one can hear you. You try to stay visible at first, but when it’s too late, you hide under the surface involuntarily. It consumes you whole. You feel like you are in a frozen lake, and your body is too heavy to float. The world above turns distant, even colder that the lake, because you get used to its temperature. At times it feels warm. You can see some fish swimming by. But nothing touches you, except for the biting frost of the water. I’ve been lonely for quite some time. But it’s all my fault. Everything I did. I have worn people down with my windmill of emotions until they drifted away. I prayed to become better, even though I don’t believe in anything. There are no higher powers. Just you, and your problems. So I stay quiet. It hurts more, but silence has its justice. It keeps you accountable. Sometimes I weep. Like an infant that wants to be held and nurtured. But then I take a deep breath and tell myself I’ll get through this. Sometimes they look at me, judging. They see a fixed version of me — one that isn’t allowed to change. They don't believe I will ever be able to turn into something better and not bitter. So they choose themselves, and I find that very brave. No one ever told me I can choose myself too. Constantly. So I kept giving myself away, trying to fit in spaces I never truly belonged. I sacrificed my comfort for others — but normal people don’t like that. Not really. They say I’m too much. Too emotional. But I’ve already shrunk myself. Became less intense. Let them dim my light just to feel something. I wanted to belong somewhere. Anywhere. But maybe, all along, it was all wrong. Maybe they didn’t deserve me at all. My brain…my brain tells me lies, twisting my attitude. So I guess I’ll say that loneliness… Is the biggest self-sabotage on earth.”