Whispering Suits

My thoughts are spinning as I think through Cyrus’s offer. Surrendering the Tarot Deck had been the furthest thing from my mind. But, sitting here in his flat, I think about Gran and Daniel back at home. If I gave up this deck, gave up my sight, maybe the three of us could be a normal family. What would life look like, if I just accepted there will be somethings I’ll never know the answer to? Maybe I could go to Uni, or get a stable job? I wouldn’t have to worry about freaking out because a customer I’m serving is a Faerie, I wouldn’t know any better. I could actually spend time with Dan, we could be normal siblings who argue over boardgames and fight over stupid teenage stuff. I could live my life the way Dan does, I could be free of it all. The stress, the worry, the fear. I’d be….just another mortal living their life. I can’t deny the idea is appealing. I can feel the Tarot deck in my pocket, the box feels hot, and my hand reaches for it on instinct. I feel the card poking out of the box, and I don’t need to look at it. I don’t want to look at it. I already know what it is. I close my eyes as I pull it out. The ink looks sickly black, looking at it makes me feel sick, it’s like staring into the void. I could tell just by feeling it, all the magic has drained out of this card. This one card. The Mother. My Mother. Cyrus didn’t say as much, but I know. Giving this away, the deck, my sight, it means saying goodbye to Mum forever. I’ll never understand what happened the night she died. I’ll never have the answers, never know if I could have saved her. And all those memories of her teaching me about The Sight, her stories about the Fair Folk, the late nights at Nat’s cafe as we sang Faerie songs, they’ll all wash away. Like the tide wiping away footprints from the sand. I won’t remember those moments. I won’t remember Mum. And I can’t do it. A part of me, a bigger part than I’m willing to admit, sorely longs for that life. That normal, simple life, where I grow old with Dan and we find a way to be okay. A life where we don’t talk about the monsters, we don’t recall the loss, we just thrive and move forward. But, doing that means ignoring mum’s final words to me. It means ignoring the other voice, the louder voice, in my mind telling me that this is always the way it was going to be. I was always going to find myself here, in this moment, faced with this choice. I close my eyes as the words leave my lips. “I’ve never been one to back down from a fight. I’m not starting now. If you’re in, I’m in.” Cyrus grins slightly, like I’ve passed some kind of test, like…he’s proud. “Then I’m in. I’ll go make us a drink, you might want to call home. I get the feeling your first lesson is going to run late.” Cyrus is back to his cocky self, and I wonder for a moment if there was any real threat at all. But, all I need to do is look at the card in my hand to know what can happen when mortals are left to fend for themselves against Faeries. I slip the card back into my pocket, and feel the deck accept it back into its ranks as the box clicks shut. I find my phone and dial Gran. She picks up on the second ring, and she sounds a little out of breath. “Indigo, is everything ok?” she says, and I feel selfish for my choice. This is going to make everything harder, for her and for Dan. But I can’t go back now. I put on a smile, hoping to sound casual as I reply. “Hi Gran, yeah everything is fine. Didn’t mean to catch you by surprise. I just wanted to let you know I might be home a touch later than planned. I’m having a really productive session with the Therapist, and they offered to keep going, seeing as we’re making some headway on things. I just wanted to check if that would be okay?” I feel myself stumble slightly on the lie, it feels a little bitter in my mouth, but I hope Gran doesn’t suspect anything. The line is quiet for a moment. “I’m so glad, if it’s going well” Gran finally says, and it sounds like she might be crying slightly. “Of course you can stay, I know…I know you’ve had so much to deal with. Just, please make sure you get home safe. I can’t help but worry about you if you’re out late.” I can hear the relief in her voice, and I feel so guilty I could cry. “Thanks Gran, I’ll be safe. Love you”. I hang up before I change my mind. Cyrus comes in and places a glass of tea in front of me before resuming his position on the sofa. I brush away the tears pricking my eyes, and shuffle in my seat. “Right.” Cyrus says suddenly, making me jump a little. “Where do you want to start?” I think it over, and remember the questions I had thought of last time I was here. “I suppose, understanding more about the Faerie courts might be a good place to start? Being able to see you all doesn’t mean I actually know all that much about the courts. Especially since, up till now, I’ve just done my best to avoid all Faeries. And, you might want to cover some basic defense strategies, assuming you want me to live long enough to at least make our next lesson?” I say, and Cyrus flashes me a dazzling smile. I feel myself flush as he slowly looks me up and down. “Oh, don’t you worry, we’ll have you fighting fit in no time” he says, his sultry voice almost turning into a purr of satisfaction. I get out the notebook I brought with me, and start writing on the 2nd page ‘Faerie Lessons - Noes’. I’m glad I thought to bring this with me, though I hope things turn out better for me than they did for Jonathan Mossman. I wonder, briefly, why my thoughts keep going back to him, but I have to pull myself back to the moment at hand as Cyrus begins to talk.