On Dangerous Borders

“Just have a seat right in here,” Ahsad told me as she led me to a bench just inside the door of the office that sat against the wall opposite the desk. “You’ll feel better in no time.” The office looked as old and outdated as the rest of the jail, and nothing like what one would picture in a typical American jail. The office could have been in a warehouse, for all I knew. Ahsad sat behind an old wooden desk facing me while Darrah sat in an armless chair to the side of the desk. “We are going to eat our lunch now,” Ahsad told me. “I’m sorry you have to miss out.” “Food is the last thing on my mind right now,” I snapped, wondering where they were going to produce their lunches. That question was answered when Ahsad turned to reach inside a mini refrigerator that the desk blocked from my view and pulled out a couple of plastic containers. I tuned out their senseless Urdu and thought of the situation I was in as they prepared to eat their salads and hard-boiled eggs. I tried not to stare at Ahsad and fought down the panic that once again threatened to rise within me. It was almost a physical thing that felt as if it would burst through my chest. I concentrated on slowing my breathing and my racing heart. I knew I had to keep my head and wait until I was alone before I could either plot my escape—or worst-case scenario, my death. I didn’t have to speak Urdu to know Ahsad was complaining about how hard it was to peel her hard-boiled egg. “You’re doing it wrong,” I said. “Kyā?” said Ahsad. Darrah glanced quickly at me, almost as if she’d forgotten I was there. I slowly rose from the bench. “Got a spoon?” “Uh…” Ahsad looked down at her desk. “Yes, but it is plastic.” “That’s okay.” I held my hands out for the spoon and egg. Then I tapped quickly and firmly around the egg toward one end of it. Using my thumbnail, I chipped away a large enough piece to insert the spoon and slid it gently between the shell and egg, separating a large chunk of it. Both women seemed impressed, and it was the first time I saw Darrah smile. I placed the egg and spoon down on a paper plate and stepped back. “Why, thank you, ma’am. I appreciate it,” Ahsad said with a beautiful smile I rarely saw. I sat back down on the bench as Darrah struggled with a banana. “Do you have any tricks for a stubborn banana?” “Yeah, you gotta open it like a monkey.” Both women stilled and then let out a round of laughter. “Open it like a monkey?” asked Darrah. “Yes, flip it over and pinch the ends in both directions. The peels will separate on their own that way.” They chatted for a few minutes in Urdu as I sat there in the ancient, windowless office, wondering if I had a future or not. As of yet, I simply did not see any way out of my situation. Ahsad’s voice startled me from my reverie. “Hey, what’s my name today?” At Darrah’s look of confusion, Ahsad explained, “She tries to guess my name. What was it last time, Eva?” Darrah smiled, and I just shrugged, not in the mood for our usual games. “Do you see anything you’d like?” she said, gesturing to the leftover food. I shook my head. “What I want I can’t have. You know, like my old life back.” “We are not lawyers, but I believe you will get your life back one day sooner than you think, even if it’s still not quite the same. Anything else you’d like?” “Chocolate,” I said. The women let out a quick cackle. “I told you I want what I can’t have. Why am I here anyway? I don’t mind hanging out with you ladies, but what is it you fear I might do—run away?” “Or maybe try to harm yourself,” Ahsad said with a half-unfortunate, half-sarcastic smile. I looked away guiltily. “Yeah, I may not be as smart as you, but I am not dumb.” Waving my open hands, I said, “Hey, I am not saying—” “No-no-no-no!” Ahsad said urgently, while her fellow officer’s eyes widened before she looked away and tried to hide a grin. I looked at Ahsad with confusion. “That gesture is considered obscene here.” “What?” I frowned, looking down at my hands. “It is considered waving hello or goodbye to someone where you’re from. Here it is like swearing.” “I’m swearing if I’m waving?” I asked with surprise. “Mm-hm. You are basically saying ‘eat shit.’” I almost smiled. “Oh.” “It is referred to as the moutza. Now…” Ahsad stood up and came to stand in front of me. The tall woman bent forward slightly to be closer to eye level with me. “We know you are not guilty of anything and have confidence that this will be straightened out soon enough and that you will be gone soon. But for now, you must promise me not to hurt yourself.” I looked at Ahsad hesitantly. I didn’t want to make any promises I couldn’t keep. Then I looked at Darrah. Her expression was unreadable. “If you were anyone else, I would probably tell you what you wanted to hear. But I’m not going to make you any promises I may not be able to keep.” “Ok, come with me now,” Ahsad said, straightening up. My heartbeat sped up, and I rose on shaky legs. “Where are we going?” I asked nervously as I gazed into her nearly black eyes. “Relax,” she said assuringly. “We’re only going to the shower room because you were unable to shower earlier because of your visit. We will get you all cleaned up for the night, ok?” I nodded mechanically. Ahsad unlocked my cell so I could get my towel, “nightgown,” shampoo, and soap. Then I was led to the shower room just past the larger cells, where my usual tormentor was quick to greet me. “Why don’t you go back home and stuff yourself with McDonald’s?” “Why don’t you go shove your head in the toilet and drown yourself?” “Stop it!” yelled Ahsad. The troublemaker retreated from the bars, and I scurried into the shower room and around the privacy wall, then stopped and turned back to Ahsad. “Have you got a razor? They let me shave and…” “Not tonight,” she said firmly. I quickly showered and dressed, feeling self-conscious and as if my every move was being watched, even though Ahsad could only see me from the waist up from where she stood. The beautiful but somewhat scary-looking jail guard didn’t stare me down directly, but she did glance my way every now and then. When I was done, she led me back to my cell, flashing a deadly look of warning to the bitch across from me along the way. I replaced the soap and shampoo and hung my towel on the bar of the cot that ran alongside the head of it. Then I sat on my cot. “No, no, you are not done yet,” said Ahsad. “What now?” I asked, rising to my feet. “What, do you think having a bad day means you don’t have to do your chores? No chance! Move it.” Again, I almost smiled as she led me back into the corridor. “It is your day to mop the hallways.” We headed toward the wing’s inner entry door, where a bucket of soapy water and a fresh mop were usually left each morning for the day’s chores. “It’s empty,” said Ahsad. I began to turn and walk the other way. “No, no, no. Come on, we will fill this up.” She carried the broom and mop in one hand and the bucket in the other, and I followed her to one of the sinks in the bathroom. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked annoyed. “The bucket can’t possibly fit in that sink to be filled.” “Here,” I said, popping the dustpan off the broom’s handle. Ahsad watched me curiously as I used the dustpan to fill the bucket by letting the water spill onto the wide part and then trickle down and off the gulley of the handle. “You are really full of surprises,” she said with amazement. I began to sweep and mop the corridors under her watchful eyes. I worked silently until we were about to round the corner to where the cells were. “So do you have a big family?” “Shhh,” she said, quickly placing a finger to her lips before motioning toward the big cells. I expected to be locked back down when I was done, but Ahsad had other plans for me instead. Oh, I was locked down, all right, just not in my cell. “What are we doing now?” I asked as Ahsad led me toward the office. “I am not going to be doing anything but waiting for Officer Darrah to return from her break, and you are going to be staying where I can see you.” Before I even knew what hit me, she pulled a pair of handcuffs seemingly out of nowhere and cuffed one arm to a metal loop protruding from a built-in cement bench just across from the office. “Me and my big mouth,” I muttered in defeat. Ahsad hunched over so we were face-to-face. “I think I would have figured you out just the same, but do not worry, my sweet one. I will not let you die.” She abruptly straightened, stepped across the hall into the office, and left me sitting there on the hard, cold bench.