On Dangerous Borders

My heart beat faster when I heard Officer Ahsad talking in Urdu to another inmate as she slowly made her way toward my cell that Monday afternoon. It almost made me laugh to think I was developing a crush on one of the guards in the jail I was stuck in on the other side of the world, but what else did I have to amuse and entertain myself with while I was stuck there? When I first saw Ahsad, I found her a bit intimidating. Although her body was slender, her face carried a mean, almost snobbish appearance. I expected to hear a loud, gruff voice emanating from her, yet I was surprised by a soft, high-pitched one. Her sharp, distinguished features were sexy just as much as they were scary-looking. The woman could probably kill the average man with a single nasty glare. Eventually, she reached my cell and pulled the barred door open after inserting a key. “Hello, Miss Warner. I hear you were a bit of a troublemaker while I was gone,” she said in her usual cheerful voice. “I – uh – well,” I stammered, blushing as I rose from the cot. She gave me a look of mock disapproval before a slight smile curled the edges of her lips in a way I found rather attractive. We gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment. We were complete physical opposites. She was tall with dark eyes and hair which I suspected might be thick and wavy based on the strands that framed her face. I was short with thin, straight, wispy blond hair. Her hair swept back from her forehead, while mine had bangs draped across it. “I guess I did get a bit loud with my screaming and yelling.” “And why was the lady with the pretty blue eyes screaming and yelling?” I smiled. Did she have a thing for me too, or had the months of captivity simply fucked with my head? “Well, as I’m sure you can guess, I’ve been here nearly two months now, yet no one seems to be doing anything to get me out of here and back home.” “Come on,” she said, gently taking me by the forearm and tucking it snugly between her own arm and the side of her body. I couldn’t have pulled away if I wanted to. With her other hand, she shoved the door to my cell closed and pulled a stick from her belt, ready to swat away the usual insults I’d be hit with whenever I traveled the wing. “Stupid ugly American!” shouted one woman who stepped up to the bars of one of the bigger cells diagonally across from mine as we passed. “Crazy fucker!” I shouted back just as Ahsad swatted the bars – and almost the woman’s nose – with her stick. “Hush!” said Ahsad, clearly much less happy with the woman throwing insults at me than with me for reacting. If anything, she seemed amused. “Keri, Keri, Keri,” she said, shaking her head as she led me to the end of the wing and out for my daily walk. She never loosened her grip on me the whole time. But instead of feeling like a dog on a leash, I felt warm and secure, walking practically arm in arm with the tall and lovely Pakistani guard. I giggled mischievously. “I like your fire, Miss Warner, but you must trust me.” “What do you mean?” “That things will work out.” “How do you know that?” “I just do.” “And when will they work out?” “That I do not know. It could be weeks or it could be months.” “Gee, that’s comforting,” I said sarcastically. “Would you rather they didn’t work out at all? Better late than never, my sweet one. Not to mention the fact that you are a very lucky lady indeed.” Sweet one? “How am I lucky?” “Well, most people who enter this country illegally aren’t treated very well at all.” “Except I didn’t enter it at all. Not intentionally, anyway. I told you what happened. I just don’t know why it happened. Based on how I felt after I came to and from the hospital exam, whoever did this to me didn’t rape me. No, they had something else in mind for me. I just have no idea what.” Ahsad released her grip on me after we’d walked a little way and gazed off into the field, some of which was surrounded by a thick stand of trees. “They didn’t even rob me. Why in the world would someone knock me out and drop me off in Lahore before I was transferred here to Multan?” “I don’t know, Keri. I just know that sometimes you have to take what you want because it won’t just come to you.” “What?” I asked, confused. “Whoa, Ahsad, you lost me on that one.” Her face suddenly lost the dreamy look it had taken on for a moment, and then she turned to me and laughed. She pulled the tie on her hijab a bit tighter, though I could still see her long, slender neck. “I just mean that everything will be ok. You didn’t do anything wrong.” “Then why am I still here?” I asked, not seeing any amusement in what she was saying. “I’m a prisoner in a prison, yet I’m totally innocent of any wrongdoing.” “I told you. Our system can be slow sometimes.” “What if the judge doesn’t believe me?” “I don’t see why he wouldn’t, but I want you to just try to relax and trust that all will work out in the end. I will do all I can to help.” She gazed at me intently. I didn’t know if she knew something I didn’t, but she definitely seemed confident enough in her words to reassure me, at least a little. I felt my shoulders relax somewhat, though I remained curious. “Do you ever think of getting out?” I asked. “Getting out?” “You know, out of Pakistan.” A faint smile of amusement. Then, “This is my home. It is all I know.” “But women seem to have little to no freedom here.” “I cannot disagree with you there. It’s a horrible place for many and in many different ways. Fighting, bombs, suicides, women being treated in the most awful of ways... But I have been very lucky.” “I’m glad. Why do you suppose you’ve been one of the luckier ones?” “Because I am tall, I guess, and in law enforcement.” “You’ve always worked in the jail?” “No. I started on street patrol, and sometimes I do other jobs: border patrol, this and that, depending on what’s going on.” “Edith.” “What?” “Edith. That’s my latest guess for what the E stands for,” I said, motioning to her nameplate, “since you’re not allowed to tell me your name.” “Oh,” Ahsad said with a laugh. Then she took me by the arm once again, sending tingles up and down it, and began to slowly lead me back toward the building. I kept my face down so she wouldn’t see me blushing. “Miss Keri?” “Yes?” “It is very, very important that you never tell anyone about what we talk about, ok?” “Ok.” “Do you understand me?” I nodded, though I wasn’t sure that I really did. “Thanks for caring, Ahsad.” We walked slowly and silently. It was much too soon when the door to the wing clanked shut behind us and echoed off the walls of the west wing. We stepped toward my cell. “You stink!” My head snapped toward the cell across from mine. “You’re smelling your own farts, you dumb shit!” Ahsad opened the door and gently pushed me in. Then she slammed it shut and screamed at the woman in rapid-fire Urdu while beating on the bars with her stick. I’d never heard her scream like that before. Never. I literally had to cover my ears with the way her shouts made my head spin. I lay on my cot, bored out of my mind and feeling helpless as hell. Ahsad’s rounds, made in twenty-minute intervals, were my only bright spot. She sensed my sadness every time she checked on me and would offer words of encouragement like, “Cheer up,” “It’ll be ok,” and “Smile.” I did my best to smile for her. After all, she was the only one who seemed to give a damn about me. No one else made any effort to chat with me, though I understood it wasn’t their job to do so. I didn’t hear Ahsad approach my cell for her final check that night as the second shift came to an end. I didn’t even see her, for I was on the floor doing push-ups. “Ah, exercising, are you?” I rose to my feet and approached the bars. “No sense in falling out of shape while I’m here.” “Well, good for you.” “Emily.” She smiled, a beautiful, bright smile that softened her face tremendously. “Sorry, but I don’t know many Urdu names, so I gotta guess American for now.” She chuckled, then said, “When are you going to learn Urdu? Not much more than about half the people here know English. Urdu is the foremost language.” I was caught off guard by the question and unsure of how to answer. Finally, I shrugged and said, “I’m not.” “Why not?” “Well, I’m not exactly going to be here much longer. At least I better not be. Besides, my other languages are enough.” I showed them off by speaking a few phrases in Spanish, Italian, and German. Her eyes widened. She was clearly impressed. “Wow. You’ve got a great gift. Now learn Urdu,” she said firmly before she turned and left for the night. “No chance,” I called out after her.