Love in Disguise

Thursday, April 10 The next day was much the same as the day before. We talked. We made love. In fact, we made love twice that day. An hour before Kya was to begin her three days off, I was joined by Tara, a very unsound yet seemingly harmless character. Just a few weeks and you’ll be out of here, I reminded myself in an effort to console and comfort myself whenever Tara would begin one of her delusional tirades about being created from glass slides by the FBI, who in return stole her ovaries so they could make her breasts larger. “What are you in for, Tara?” I asked, trying to coax her back to earth. “Drugs and hooking.” You sure do sound like a dopehead. “When do you leave?” “Saturday.” Thank God for small miracles! I noticed Tara glancing nervously at Kya on and off until she left and was replaced by Palma, who didn’t seem to make her as nervous. I wrote it off to her mental state and thought nothing more of it. “Collins,” said Palma, who was at the door talking to the hallway monitor. “Yeah?” “Roll up.” “Roll up?” “Yeah, you’re going to the dorms.” My heart began to pound. “The dorms? Why?” “We’re booked up in this section, and the sergeant decided to do some shuffling around with the roster, so pack it up, girl.” Horrified, I began gathering up my stuff with much hesitation and reluctance. I glanced at Tara. How I’d rather stay here and listen to her nonstop babble about walking through fiery rooms to save the kittens her sister supposedly gave birth to until Kya’s return! And what about Kya? Would she know where I was when she returned? How would I get to see her again? Would we forever lose touch with each other? No, I told myself, she’ll try to get me back here, and if she can’t, she’s a detective—she can and will find me once I’m released if she really wants to. With shaky hands, I gathered up my few precious belongings and headed toward the door. Vasquez, a cheery middle-aged DO with a bouncy blond, high-pitched ponytail, escorted me down the hall. “Nervous?” she asked me. “Petrified. What’s it like?” “Well, it won’t be as quiet as you’re used to, but you’ll be alright.” With my heart still hammering away, we approached a door similar to the ones to the rooms. I could see tons of people inside. Yes, it was definitely way more than I was used to. I had always preferred to hang with small groups of people. Large crowds had always overwhelmed me. I may not have been a shy person, but I wasn’t a trusting one either. Vasquez unlocked the door. I stepped inside. It was as noisy as it was crowded. I looked around me. The area where we stood by the door had a slew of tables as well as pay phones. Beyond that was the DO’s station, which was surrounded by a chain-link fence with a lockable gate. The large part of the room had rows upon rows of bunks. Off to the right of the main room was the shower room. Off to the left was a room with less-than-private toilets with nothing more than four-foot walls between them. I gazed at all the inmates. They seemed to be of various ethnic backgrounds and ages, though most were white and young. Some sat chatting or writing at the tables while others used the phones. Some lay reading on their bunks while others came to and from the showers and toilets. There were even a few who appeared to be sound asleep. How can they sleep through this madness? I wondered. It truly was a maddening and chaotic situation. There were people everywhere, and one had to shout to be heard above the drone of voices. I could feel the desperation and frustration seep into my body like a towel absorbing water. It pooled inside me, making my heart pound even faster with anxiety. Kya, please come and rescue me! She will, I tried to tell myself. Have faith in her. But maybe it simply wasn’t up to her, and it was truly out of her hands. If she couldn’t get through the sergeant to get me back, then I certainly couldn’t fault her for it. Just as long as she tries, I thought to myself. What lousy timing, though. This just had to happen right as she was to take her days off! “Collins.” I snapped out of my panicky reverie to face a slim, young DO with light brown hair. Nottelmann, read her name tag. “Yes?” “You’re on the lower bunk in row eight. It’s bunk eighty-seven.” “Ok,” I said. “Do you know how long I’m going to be here?” “No. Sorry, but I haven’t got a clue.” “Come on. I’ll show you where it is,” said a voice behind me. I turned around. A young girl with flaming red hair stood before me. “I’m Jessica,” she said. “I’m Sativa.” “Come on.” I followed her to the bunk. “I’m up above you,” she told me. “There are two drawers under the bunks. The one toward the head of the bed’s empty, so you can use that one.” “Ok,” I said, opening it to find old candy wrappers and other discarded papers. Pushing them to the side, I put my stuff in the drawer. “If you have a radio, you better keep it on you if you don’t want it getting stolen.” “Ok,” I said, hoping my snacks, toiletries, and writing supplies wouldn’t be stolen as well. I vowed to stay by my bunk as much as I could, only leaving it to use the showers, toilet, phone, or to see Mary. I wouldn’t even go out to rec. I still held out hope that this would be just a temporary crisis and that I’d return to the room I had been in and remain there until I left. Or at least one of the rooms. “You just get in?” Jessica asked. “No, I’ve been here for a week and a half. I’ve just been in the area with the small rooms.” “Lucky you.” “Yeah, and now not-so-lucky me is stuck here. I guess the sergeant decided to play house, so to speak, and rearrange some inmates in the process.” “I’ve been there before.” “They kicked you out of there, too?” I asked. She nodded. “What DO was in with you?” I started to say her first name but caught myself in time. “Jackson.” “Oh, yuck! I hated her.” I froze with shock, staring up at her as she lay on her stomach gazing down at me. “Wow, I’m surprised to hear anyone say yuck in regards to her. She’s been really cool with me.” Jessica maintained her look of distaste. “Why’d you hate her?” “She was a bitch.” “How so?” “All she did was snap at people and boss them around while threatening them with isolation and restriction.” Speechless, I continued to look up at her. “Once, when I called her an asshole, I thought she was going to slug me for it.” “You’re kidding,” I said with growing surprise. She shook her head. “No, that bitch really scared the shit out of me. I hate these dorms, Sativa, but it was so bad being in with her that I was ever so happy to come here just to get away from her. It was terrible. Just terrible. Some people around here may think she’s cool, but most will tell you she’s the meanest they’ve got in this place.” Before I could say anything more, commotion by the door caught our attention. “It’s dinnertime,” Jessica said. “Come on.” I placed my little radio in the breast pocket of my shirt and followed Jessica toward the front. After waiting in line for what felt like an eternity, I was finally handed a tray, which I took to a nearby table. I ate mechanically, barely tasting the food. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Jessica had told me. Try as I might, I couldn’t picture Kya being this scary bitch from hell, though I could see how most people probably would be scared if they thought she might become violent. Still, the Kya I had come to know, even if it hadn’t been for long, seemed to be a very gentle, caring person. I knew she’d put her foot down and not take any shit if someone tried to give her any, but to deliberately be so mean without provocation simply didn’t seem like the Kya I knew. Maybe Kya was just having a bad day at the time Jessica was with her, I thought. Perhaps something had been going on in her personal life, or maybe she didn’t feel well at the time. She could’ve had a bad headache, and for all I knew, Jessica might’ve done something to deserve the treatment Kya supposedly gave her. After dinner, I spent the remainder of the evening on my bunk. I tried to compose a letter to Mary, but the truth was I couldn’t concentrate—not with all the noise and commotion around me, and not with my mind snapping back to Jessica’s revelation about Kya. I had to ask myself if her being intimate with me was saying something about her character. Because it was obviously something considered unprofessional, maybe that was a sign that she wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. Then again, wasn’t love supposed to be blind? She may not have been in love with me, but when you really, really were attracted to someone, and when you really, really liked them, did the circumstances matter? I think I’d have done the same thing if our shoes were swapped, I concluded, closing my eyes and hoping for some sleep, despite the zoo I was now forced to live in. Sleep wouldn’t come, though I lay in bed with my eyes shut. At 11:00, the lights were dimmed, and the inmates’ voices slowly trickled to a halt as sleep claimed them. I enjoyed the peace and quiet, though I’d have preferred to fall asleep myself. Tomorrow I’ll play detective, I told myself to the rhythmic sound of people’s snoring. I’ll casually mention Kya to others without sounding too obvious and see what they say.