Boulevard of Broken Dreams

She felt Hubert shift and, before she knew it, the sun was much lower in the sky. She looked up at him. "I'm sorry; did your arm fall asleep?" She'd been leaning up against him for a long time now. It wasn't sunset yet but it was starting to approach that time. She could feel her face aflame from what she'd been reading, but...it was helpful. It wasn't stressing her out quite as much as the initial talk with Juliane had. This particular book was quite gentle and had been written by an Empress in a past era. Even though it was older and its knowledge no doubt more out of date, it was still proving to be useful. It was pretty positive and open minded in explaining things. Granted, sex wasn't as taboo in the Adreian Empire as it was in the Kingdom... They had become big on saving oneself to marriage while Adrestia was...not that.   "It has been for quite a while, yes. But I didn't want to disturb you." Edelgard shifted to get off and he started stretching it and moving his hand out. "Would you like some dinner? It's getting late in the day." She frowned. She had skipped lunch without intending to. She'd just been so absorbed in the book that she hadn't noticed how time had slipped away. It had been a long time since she'd read in such a manner... Probably since she'd been a child...   "That's probably a good idea." No doubt he would go to get it which would give her a bit of time to think on things.   "Is there anything in particular you'd like, my-- Edelgard?" She shook her head. She was at least far less stressed than she'd been earlier in the day. The constant physical contact with Hubert and the general quiet had helped her anxiety a fair bit. She was glad to have someone that was so understanding and willing to take care of her. Even if they never fell in love...she knew she was in the best hands possible. He would never be disloyal and fall in love with somebody else or abandon her. He would do everything to help her be the most comfortable she could be. Hubert just nodded and got up, leaving her alone in the room.   She squeezed her hands together as she waited. Her mind whirred like a water mill going much too fast due to an overflowing river. She had gotten lost in her own mind during the reading, feeling comforted and at ease with everything. But facing the reality of everything and probably much sooner than she'd like to admit... Her anxiety was just going to build and build until it started making her stress in terrible ways. She would probably just have to get it over with sooner rather than later. She'd get through the books then probably have to get on it. She...really didn't want to but she had no choice. She didn't want to get pregnant... Childbirth was a terrifying prospect and fraught with danger. She wasn't sure if Seteth would allow it or not, but perhaps she could get Flayn to act here as her midwife. Or she could go to Garreg Mach. Flayn's age would make her experience beyond compare with anybody else at her disposal. She just had no idea what to do. The advisers would want her pregnant as soon as possible to the point she would probably be well into her pregnancy when she got married in the public ceremony.   Eventually, Hubert returned to the room with a tray of food though, once again, her serving was pretty small. He also had another small teapot of what was undoubtedly lavender tea. He handed her the smaller portion and she looked down, picking at it slowly again. She just had so much on her mind that she really didn't feel like eating. However, she forced it down her throat one bite at a time. However, Hubert put a hand on her shoulder. "If you can't eat everything tonight, don't force it." His tone was softer than normal and she nodded. She put her silverware on the plate and handed it back to him. He poured her a mug of tea and she nursed it, still a bit too hot to drink immediately. She'd only managed about half of what was on the plate. Even then, her stomach was still very upset.   He finished eating a bit later and she had finished about a quarter of the mug despite the heat. He wrapped an arm around her and she looked up at him. "I...think we should talk about this..." Her voice was incredibly quiet, shaking a little bit. She really didn't want to approach any of this, but she really needed to.   He nodded and wrapped his other arm around her, holding her close. "We probably should." His tone was even softer than it had been before. He gave her a gentle squeeze, obviously trying to comfort her in whatever way he could. She shifted to sit in his lap and rested her head against his shoulder, gaze focused on her mug. She was probably going to be incredibly stressed out after this entire conversation. "What did Her Eminence have to say about all of this?" "Mother Juliane suggested that I try doing things by myself to start. But...that'll be hard since I rarely have time to myself. Either if I'm with her or with you." That felt like a pretty major hurdle to overcome. Honestly, she didn't even really like being alone. She had gotten so used to Hubert always being around her then Juliane being with her at all times. She had never had any truly alone time at the monastery either. Maybe an hour or so before Hubert came into her room after she retired for the night. Enough time to write in her journal for the day and get ready for the night. That was about the only alone time she got. "If you decide to move in with me, that can easily be arranged. I always have things to do that could keep me busy while you...explore." The phrasing her face flame anew and she pulled her legs to her chest. This was mortifying. Absolutely mortifying. She didn't want to have this conversation even though she knew she needed to. She couldn't even use the proper word for it. She knew it, but she didn't want to use it. "Plus, I will be busy overseeing the transfer of power to my mother for a while yet. So it would give you a few hours in the evenings at least. Unless you have something against it?" "I...I don't like even using the term, let alone thinking about doing it..." she mumbled. There was really no taboo against it in Adrestia as far as she knew. But with as little as she'd been exposed to sex, all of this was really flustering for her. She knew doing it piecemeal was probably best so she didn't get overwhelmed and shut down or, worse yet, be incredibly traumatised by it. Doing it in a safe setting without any judgment would be best. And doing it by herself was probably the best way to accomplish it. But...she couldn't help but feel mortified by it. "Keep in mind there's no real map on how to do this correctly, my-- Edelgard." He kissed her head and she looked up at him, tilting her head back. He looked down at her, a soft but genuine smile on his face. She had rarely ever seen him smile so genuinely. She knew he did it to help offer her comfort, but she could tell the difference between that and when he was being genuine. And this was truly genuine. "If you don't feel comfortable with something, you don't have to do it. Okay?" He gently squeezed his arms around her waist and she nodded a bit. She...really didn't feel comfortable with that. She saw there was no shame in it but she just didn't feel comfortable with it. "I can see the logic in starting there but... I don't know. I just don't feel comfortable doing that." She looked back down at her mug and took a sip. There was little that could be done to placate her anxiety. She was a mess right now even if she wasn't showing it. She simply had to hold it together. Falling apart wouldn't do anybody any good right now and only put off the inevitable. "She also suggested we do a little bit at a time... We don't have to jump into everything all at once. That is advice I will take though. But what that'll look like...I really don't know." She had seen there were things they could do with clothes on and such so maybe that would be a place to start... She really didn't know. She felt Hubert nod. "Wise advice on Her Eminence's part. We can go slowly. The last thing I want to do is traumatise you any further." He fell silent for a minute and she felt his head tilt to the side a little bit. She also heard him clear his throat. Apparently this was as awkward to him as it was to her. He only ever did that when he was a bit awkward or uncomfortable. Then again, it wasn't like he'd probably ever expected to be the one helping her bear children. "Perhaps starting with baths together would be a good way to ease in? There won't have to be any touching or anything. It'll help you get comfortable being in my presence when there's...little there." She felt her face turn as red as it could, but she did nod. "That...might not be a bad way to start. Though I'll have to change my habits... I usually start the day off with Mother Juliane and I in the bath together, though for us, it'd probably be best to do it at night..." This had been their routine for years since following the Crest experiments. It had changed while she was at the monastery, of course, since Juliane had simply left her to be there by herself. Plus, getting clean at the start of a day with classes that made her sweaty... That wasn't the most efficient use of water.