The Story of Our Feelings

Can that which is irrevocably lost ever be regained? Can one live on after losing all they held dear and all they believed in? The obvious answer is no, but then again, Keith managed it once. He lost everything he had on the day that damned war, started by his own countrymen, began. He was sent straight to the front, a boy who had barely finished school, torn away from the family to which he was attached. He later discovered that his entire family was dead, including his little brothers, who had hardly seen life yet, and this was a shock he barely survived. But even earlier, from the time he was separated from them, he had retreated into himself, reluctant to make contact with anyone, drowning in his own grief, worry for his loved ones, and hatred. A boundless hatred for those who had started this whole hell. At first, however, he wasn't sure who to blame. While it seemed clear his country had been the first to attack, the senior officers always found justifications for the actions of those in power. They instilled in the soldiers the idea of the righteousness and necessity of this war, that Japan must emerge victorious, and that this goal was paramount. No matter how many had to be sacrificed, no matter how many young men were destined never to return home—the task had to be completed whatever the cost. If anyone dared to doubt this, they were declared a coward and good for nothing, no one supported them, but instead they were met with condemnation. In the end, no one could avoid fulfilling their duty to their homeland during this difficult period. Therefore, Keith hated everyone—the enemy, the officers who pushed him and the others to their deaths for a supposedly righteous cause, his comrades who sometimes teased him for keeping to himself. And why should he have gotten close to them anyway? They were all going to die on the battlefield soon, so what was the point of making friends? Back then, young men were still undergoing accelerated military training before being sent into battle. After another exhausting day, Keith stepped out of the building where the recruits spent their little free time and sat down on the bottom step of the porch. Glancing around quickly, he exhaled irritably and buried his face in his hands. He desperately wanted to be as far away from here as possible, at home, safe, to hug his loved ones and never leave them again. He felt a lump form in his throat and tried to swallow it down, preventing his emotions from bursting out. “Kisaragi.” A cheerful voice suddenly sounded behind him, and Keith's shoulders jumped. He took his hands away from his face but didn't turn around, while the guy who had disturbed his peace meanwhile approached the step on which he was sitting. “Mind if I sit here?” And without waiting for a reply, he sat down next to him. Keith snorted and indifferently asked, “What do you want?” "Nothing for me," the other laughed. "I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't take everything so personally. If you're going to get offended by every little thing that's said, it will wear you out." Keith said nothing to that. He winced when the other’s hand landed on his shoulder and gave it a slight shake. “Really, he didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t be mad.” “How do you know what he meant?” Keith sneered. After a moment’s pause, he added, “You’re strange. You came to apologize on behalf of someone else?” “It’s not really an apology, there’s nothing to apologize for. More like I came to support you.” Keith again couldn't find anything to say. He looked at his knees, feeling the other person's intense gaze on him. "You get why this is happening, right? You always keep to yourself, and some people just don't get you. Not knowing what's on your mind, they treat you with suspicion. You should try to be a little more friendly with the others, then their attitude will change." "I don't need that," came the cold and abrupt reply, and the guy paused for a moment. "But if we can't get along even in our daily lives," he said, looking confused, "what can we expect from each other on the battlefield? We need to stick together, or we'll be quickly destroyed." "You don't need to worry about that," Keith replied dryly. "The main thing on the battlefield is to follow the commanders' orders, and I will do that. I will interact with others as needed, but that doesn't mean I have to socialize with them. Besides," he added quietly, "my own skills will be enough for a lot." "Oh yes, Mr. 'Unbeatable Shooter,'" Keith heard the sneer in the other person's voice, without even turning his head. "You're certainly head and shoulders above us in that. They must've been training you since childhood, right?" Keith nodded and replied briefly, “My father.” If only his family and he himself could have imagined what he would one day need these skills for. Keith's heart ached again at the thought of his loved ones and the war that could now in no way be avoided. In the ensuing silence, he was taken aback when he was spoken to again, and the voice of the person sitting next to him sounded very serious this time. "But being alone is still bad, even if you are strong enough. You can always encounter a situation where you need someone's help. And then, moral support is also important. You won't last long if you have no one to share your experiences with or at least distract yourself from heavy thoughts. Don't you think so yourself?" “I’ll make do,” Keith snapped. "They're going to send us to fight soon anyway, so..." The unfinished sentence hung heavy in the air, filled with a dark uncertainty. Keith's companion had undoubtedly pondered this prospect many times before, and so he immediately grasped the meaning. “You’re wrong, Kisaragi. Yes, we all risk it, and any of us could die in battle, but I wouldn’t advise you to bury yourself and everyone else right now. A lot depends on your attitude, you know. If you want to, if you put in maximum effort, including relying on the help of others, you’ll definitely get out alive, no matter how bad things get. But if you focus on expecting your death, that’s all you’ll get.” Then Keith finally looked the guy in the face, and his gaze, full of despairing sorrow, instantly met a bright, toothy smile. “Keep in mind, luck favors those who believe in it. Who's downcast is as good as dead, who believes in magic will have a happy end.” Keith sat there for a moment, dumbfounded, blinking slowly. Then, with a snort, he burst out laughing uncontrollably. “Pff, hahahahahahaha!” After laughing, he said, “You're Mr. ‘Indestructible Optimist’, Aramaki.” Since then, Keith had gradually begun to come out of his shell. He’d bonded with his fellow recruits and even found himself being more tolerant of the older officers and their constant reminders of duty. Aramaki, meanwhile, made a point of talking to Keith whenever he could, and eventually, the guarded, distrustful young man got used to him and let himself open up to this person. They became friends, and Keith broke his initial rule about not getting too close to anyone in the war. But with this newfound friendship came a fear he’d tried so hard to avoid. The fear of losing someone who meant something to him. He saw his comrades fall one by one, and with each death, his fear deepened. When he was captured by the enemy, he thought he was a goner, but his best friend was there with him, offering all the support he could. Together, they managed to escape their living nightmare, all thanks to him—the one who had become Keith’s sun that shone through the darkness. Back then Alan saved his life and became his everything. Keith held onto Alan, determined to keep going even though he'd lost his family, home, and entire country, which no longer belonged to them, to the Japanese. Later, he unexpectedly gained so much that it was hard to believe his own good fortune. In their shattered world, he and Alan found work that was not only well-paying but also helped their countrymen, giving them hope for a brighter future. He met wonderful people, true representatives of their nation in whom he had almost completely lost faith during the war. He grew attached to an adorable two-year-old who reminded him of when he'd looked after his younger brothers and in whom he saw the very same better future for their country. He… fell in love, for the first time in his life, and she was the best woman he could have ever imagined. Spending warm autumn days with her and the child, he felt like he had a family again and was so happy that he sometimes felt like crying. And he cried, bitterly, the very next day after he and Stella had decided to be together, because all the happiness he had been building brick by brick collapsed in an instant. It was that instant when a merciless sniper's bullet pierced his beloved's skull, and she died in front of his eyes. Helpless and bewildered, he could do nothing to stop it. He couldn't prevent it, he couldn't defend her. Not her, nor the child he had promised to care for. He couldn't protect anyone. All he was capable of was seeking revenge, but as it turned out, he was taking it out on the wrong people. Everything he had done was in vain, cruel, and unjustified. His life was destroyed again, in part by his own doing. Can happiness ever be rebuilt… after such devastation? Keith opened his eyes. He was awake for a long time, but the memories he'd been lost in felt like a dream. Alan was lying there, still asleep, his face drawn in a frown. What could he be dreaming about? Keith's lips curved into an involuntary smile as he studied his sleeping friend. Everything good that had happened in his life since he'd first lost everything he'd ever had was thanks to this man. Even now, Alan was helping him cope with his nightmares, staying in his room every night. They slept together on his bed, and though it wasn't very wide, somehow they managed to fit without disturbing each other. At first, Keith had been skeptical about this idea, but the undeniable fact was that in all the time Alan had been sleeping over, he hadn't had a single nightmare. His sleep had normalized, and both his physical and mental state had improved significantly. But what about Alan? Even if he never said anything about it, Keith knew, he knew perfectly well that he could never be the same to Alan as he had been before. Inevitably, Alan would remember that the man he was now so close to was the killer of his beloved, the man who had humiliated and tortured her before her death. Keith slipped out of bed, got dressed, and went into the kitchen, where he put the kettle on and started making breakfast for two. As he was just in the middle of doing this, he heard footsteps behind him. “Good morning,” Keith said cheerfully, not looking up from the stove. “Have a seat, it's almost done.” “Morning,” Alan yawned, covering his mouth. He slowly walked over to the chair and plopped down heavily. “You're up early today.” “Got enough sleep,” Keith shrugged, smiling to himself. A moment later, his eyes widened in concern. “I hope I didn't wake you up?” “No worries,” Alan quickly reassured him, “I woke up by myself. It's just that you're usually not up before me. Come to think of it, I haven't asked you in a while—how's your sleep? Are those nightmares all gone?” “All gone,” Keith shook his head with a smile and heard a contented hum from behind him. “See, what a great idea I had. It worked even better than I could have imagined.” “Absolutely,” Keith agreed, taking plates out of the cupboard and setting them on the table. “But you know,” he paused, hesitating for a moment, then continued, “it's been a long time. I think I'm good now. Maybe we shouldn't share a bed anymore? It's kind of cramped.” “Are you uncomfortable?” Alan asked immediately. Keith smirked, “I'm more worried about you being uncomfortable.” “No, I'm perfectly fine with it,” Alan replied. “It's even better than sleeping in a separate room. I'm not completely well yet, so if anything happens, I won't have to yell for you.” Keith snorted. “You've never done that before, and you always turned down my help. Now that you can walk without crutches, you'll definitely do everything yourself.” “Well, you never know what could happen,” Alan said with a mysterious smile, and Keith decided not to argue anymore. After all, he wasn't eager to sleep in a different room. Deep down, he was still afraid that the nightmares that had plagued him would return as soon as Alan left his bedroom. If Alan wasn't uncomfortable, then they could probably continue like this. Keith served the omelet, and Alan couldn't help but point out, “By the way, why do you always do this? You could at least let me cook sometimes.” “You're the sick one, you’ve just said it yourself,” Keith retorted, and Alan made a face. “So why would I want to bother you? Plus, I… enjoy looking after you.” As he blurted out the thought that had been buzzing in his head, he suddenly felt awkward and looked away, searching for the cups. Alan didn't say anything in response, but when Keith returned with their tea, there was a subtle smile on his face. Following breakfast, Alan went to the living room, leaving Keith to clean up the kitchen. He'd never let his friend help with chores before, and he continued to do so now, even though Alan was almost completely recovered and could easily handle it. Keith couldn't explain why he felt such a strong urge to take care of Alan. Perhaps it was his way of trying to make up for the guilt he felt, a guilt that could never be atoned, toward someone who had done so much for him. Without Alan, Keith would be dead, the latter had no doubt about it. The phone rang out through the apartment. Keith jumped and turned towards the sound, but resisted the urge to answer it. He knew no one would call him; there was no one left to call. The only person he had was in the next room. So, it must be for Alan. And Keith knew exactly who it was. His insides twisted painfully as he heard his friend's voice answer the call. “Hello, brother.” Keith turned on the tap full blast and grabbed a dirty plate. He focused on the roar of the water and the squeaking of the sponge against the dishes, doing his best to drown out the conversation between those two.   Meijiu called out of the blue early this morning. It had been over a month since their last conversation, and Alan could still vividly recall what they'd talked about. He'd reached out to Meijiu soon after he was discharged from the hospital and moved in with Keith. As soon as he'd said hello, Meijiu bombarded him with questions. “Alan, what's going on? Why did you insist on being discharged from the hospital? You're not even fully recovered yet. And where are you now? I've been calling you, but it seems like you're not at your apartment. Or maybe you can't get to the phone? How are you feeling?” “Everything's fine, brother,” Alan replied calmly, hoping his confident tone would reassure Meijiu. “I'm feeling pretty good. I left the hospital because I just couldn't handle being there anymore, and the doctor said I didn't have to stay if I followed a few rules,” he chuckled. “I promised I would, of course, but we'll see how that goes. I don't want to get sent back.” “Just you try,” Meijiu joked, feigning a threat. “Follow all the doctor's orders and take care of yourself, or I'll be right there, yes.” Then, his tone turned serious as he pressed, “So, where are you staying now? How can I get in touch?” “Oh, as for that,” Alan hesitated, pausing for a moment before saying uncertainly, “I'm staying with Keith right now.” A silence fell over the phone, and Alan was secretly relieved that Keith wasn't home. He had just gone out to get some groceries, and it seemed Alan had picked the perfect time to call. “We… only just moved my stuff in a few days ago. We've been swamped with things to do, so I haven't had a chance to call until now.” Alan tried to sound nonchalant as he did his best to ease the tension. Finally, Meijiu replied, “Keith Kisaragi, right? I remember he was always by your side in the hospital. I came across him once myself.” “Really?” Alan said, surprised. “He never told me about that.” “No wonder,” Meijiu chuckled. “I think that meeting wasn't exactly pleasant for him either. Why bring it up again?” And once again, they both fell silent, neither knowing what to say. “Alan, can you really... have forgiven him?” There was a clear note of disappointment in Meijiu's voice. Alan sighed. “I know it's hard for you to understand, brother, but…” “I can guess what you're going to say,” Meijiu cut him off. “You've known him for a long time, you're battle comrades and partners, and you have so much history together.” “That's right,” Alan smiled, “and he's been helping me a lot while I was in the hospital, and he's taking care of me now. And... he already understands what happened and what he did, so I think he's punished himself enough.” Meijiu was silent for a moment. “You're saying he understands?” he asked incredulously. “Finally decided to listen to you?” “Not exactly,” Alan hesitated, replying. “He found out about it even before I woke up. Captain Butler told him.” “Really?” Meijiu drawled, clearly impressed by the news. “Who would have thought…” “So don't worry about me, brother. Keith can be trusted. He won't make the same mistake again, I guarantee it.” “Well, if you're so sure of him, then go ahead,” Meijiu's tone softened, but there was still an undercurrent of disagreement. “But didn't you think that, instead of burdening your friend, you could have come to me? I would have gladly taken you in here, you're not a stranger to me.” “I know that, brother, and thank you for that. But I thought it would be too much trouble for you, you're so busy…” “So what?” Meijiu interrupted Alan, raising his voice slightly. “First of all, I would find time for you anyway, and secondly, even in my absence, there are people here who would pay attention to you.” “But your subordinates have things to do too,” Alan tried to argue, and before Meijiu could respond, he quickly added, “Okay, okay, I get it. Thanks, but I'll stay with Keith for now. He needs this too. He... doesn't have anyone else.” A heavy sigh escaped Meijiu's lips. “As you wish. In that case, we'll have to talk less often. I'm sorry, but I don't want to cross paths with your friend under any circumstances, even if he accidentally picks up the phone when I call. So it would be better if you called me when you have a moment.” “O-okay.” Alan felt a pang of awkwardness. He knew how much Meijiu disliked Keith, and he was sure Keith would be uncomfortable if Meijiu called while he was around. These two clearly couldn’t get along, but Alan cared about both of them and didn't want to pick sides. Still, by making that decision, he’d made his choice. And that choice had been in favor of Keith. “You know, brother,” Alan said cautiously later, when they had discussed his health and all the doctor's instructions, “there's one question that's been bothering me. No matter how much I think about it, I can't figure it out.” “And what is that?” Meijiu asked. “But tell me right away, does it have anything to do with your friend?” Alan gave a wry smile. And if it did, you wouldn't listen, would you? “No, not him. Although he told me about it.” “What about?” Meijiu's voice was still the same, but there was a definite chill to it now. “About the captain who opened his eyes to the truth. The thing is,” Alan paused for a moment, searching for the right words, “before that, the captain told the same truth to the consigliere, which pushed him to go to headquarters and kill that damned major who had arranged everything.” “And so? Does anything surprise you about that? It’s a good thing Richard managed to find out, at least before he died, who had really taken his family from him.” “How could it not surprise me!” Alan exclaimed, agitated. “But it’s not about the consigliere, it’s about the captain. Why did he do it? After all, the major was still alive then, and he completely controlled him. That’s why he didn’t go with me when I tried to rescue him from headquarters. So why did he suddenly decide to tell everything to the consigliere, waiting until the decisive day of the anniversary?” “What difference does it make, Alan?” Meijiu responded quite indifferently. “How can we possibly know what was going on in his head? The important thing is that it worked out the way we wanted.” “As far as I understand from what Keith said,” Alan continued timidly, “something happened to the captain’s sister. Apparently, that was the reason.” “You see, you’ve answered your own question. The captain cared deeply about his sister, and when the worst happened, there was no reason for him to keep quiet any longer.” “But... what could have happened to her? And who did it? It's unlikely that the major would do something like that, it doesn't add up.” Alan waited for a reply but there was none. A heavy silence hung between them. “You can't understand a madman's actions, Alan,” Meijiu finally said. “Don't dwell on it too much, it shouldn't concern you.” Alan swallowed hard and asked nothing more. Soon, he and Meijiu said their goodbyes, and Alan hung up the phone. He leaned back, tilting his head slightly against the back of the sofa. The words Meijiu had said to him in the car as they sped away from headquarters after the failed mission to rescue the captain resurfaced in his memory. “If a door can't be opened from the outside, it can easily be opened from the inside, right? Haha, Meijiu, could it be...?” Alan was torn by mixed emotions. Meijiu's motives were understandable, and the plan had indeed worked. But to do something like that, knowing firsthand how painful it was to lose a sister... Perhaps he, too, should have sought revenge. A bitter regret filled Alan's heart. He felt sorry for both Captain Butler and Meijiu. The sound of footsteps crept toward the living room, and Alan turned to meet Keith's gaze. “Oh, you're back? I didn't hear you enter.” “You... were just talking to Meijiu, weren't you?” Keith's voice trembled. Upon looking closer, Alan noticed an unusual pallor to his face—it seemed almost too white against his gray hair. “Yes. I had to tell him I was okay, so he wouldn't worry.” “Y-yeah, of course,” Keith lowered his eyes. “He... knows where you are?” Alan nodded. “He won't be calling much,” Alan had said, trying to soothe Keith's worries, only to realize the double meaning of his words. And as expected, Keith had caught it. A mirthless smile twisted his lips. “No, of course not. He doesn't want me to pick up the phone one day.” With that, he turned and walked deeper into the room, sinking into an armchair. His gaze was fixed on the floor, his expression vacant. “So, what did you buy?” Alan tried to change the subject, standing up and looking towards the hallway. “You haven't unpacked yet, have you? I'll do it.” “Don’t…” Keith leaned forward, but Alan beat him to it, already making his way out of the living room on his crutches. As he reached the front door, where a grocery bag was sitting, he hesitated for a moment, considering the best way to carry it to the kitchen. At that moment, Keith caught up with him. “Go back to the room and sit still,” he gently nudged Alan aside, urging him back. He took the bag and carried it into the kitchen. “I'll take care of this.” “No way,” a wide smile spread across Alan's face as he followed Keith, “I'm not going back. I'd rather stay here with you.” He braced himself for the usual lecture about how he was moving around too much and ignoring the doctor's orders, but contrary to his expectations, Keith said nothing. He simply turned and looked into Alan's guileless eyes, a faint smile lighting up his pale face as a blush touched his cheeks. The sight of it instantly lifted Alan's spirits. He continued to chatter as if nothing was wrong, happy that he had been able to distract Keith from his heavy thoughts. That was the last time. But now Meijiu had called himself, and unfortunately, Keith had been home. How could it have been any different though, when he and Alan were together almost constantly? “You've completely forgotten about me,” Meijiu's voice was calm over the phone, but there was a hint of annoyance in it. “Why haven't you called or told me how you've been?” “Oh, hehe, sorry, things got away from me,” Alan tried to sound casual, but his chuckle was a bit forced. “I wasn't sure when would be a good time to call without keeping you from your important work.” “Hmm, I see,” Meijiu said flatly, clearly not buying that excuse. “How are you feeling?” “Oh, I'm doing fine. I can already walk around on my own, and the pain in my legs is almost gone.” “‘Almost’ isn’t exactly fine. Please be careful and don't overdo it. Or is your friend not taking good care of you?” “Don't worry, I'm not overdoing things. And, listen,” Alan added, lowering his voice slightly, “Keith is taking great care of me. It's almost excessive.” “Alright, I'll take your word for it. Don't be offended, though,” Meijiu laughed. “I get it, you're comfortable there, but what about giving your big brother some attention? We haven't caught up in ages, and I know just the thing.” “Oh really?” Alan's tone was excited. “What’s that?” “Come visit me. We can hang out.” “Oh,” Alan said, a little surprised. “When works for you?” “How does today sound? I'll be free shortly and have the rest of the day off, so if you don’t mind, you can come over right now.” Naturally, Alan didn’t mind it in the slightest. They'd settled on a meeting time, and the instant Alan slammed down the phone, the kitchen faucet fell silent. Shortly after, Keith walked in and gave Alan a strange, wary look, but said nothing. “I'm... going to see Meijiu today,” Alan stammered, breaking the silence. “He suggested it himself, and I thought... well, it's been a long time since we've seen each other.” “Alright,” Keith replied flatly, glancing sideways. As he did so, his expression seemed vacant too, as if he didn’t care. He sat down on the couch beside Alan but faced the opposite direction. “How long will you be there?” Keith's voice was so soft that Alan might not have heard it if his attention hadn't been fully focused on his friend. After a moment's thought, he replied, “Probably until evening. I'll try to make it back before it gets too late. Well, I'll be sure to return before you go to sleep.” Keith's shoulders gave a little jump, and then he let out a chuckle which was obviously forced. Alan knew all too well how his real laugh sounded. “You can stay there as long as you want. Don't worry about me. Like I said, I'm fine.” No matter how hard Keith tried to sound confident saying that last sentence, they both knew it wasn't true. Alan sighed but didn't press the issue. “Yeah, of course, you’re fine. But I don't have any reason to stay there too long anyway. Wait for me to come home by ten. I'll probably be back way sooner than that.” Keith met Alan's gaze, and for a moment, Alan thought he saw relief in his friend's eyes. He made a silent promise to himself to be on time and not a minute late. “Ten o'clock,” Keith mumbled to himself, standing up. “Alright.” Then he turned to Alan and asked, “Want me to help you get there?” Alan shook his head. “No need. I can manage.”