Professor Chaos' Soulmate

Kenny opened his eyes and said goodbye to his good dreams with a groan, once again woken up by the sound of Kyle and Stan arguing.  He got out of bed and left his room, wishing he could yell at them to shut up — at 8 am on a Sunday he felt justified to sleep in — but he couldn't because they were arguing in their home, the place where he felt like a guest who had been overstaying his welcome.  His friends had offered him one of the spare rooms in their house about four months ago, after Kenny's apartment was set on fire. In the beginning Kenny thought he could claim the insurance money in a couple of weeks, so he accepted his friends' invitation a second thought—there was no need to rent an apartment when he'd rather buy a new place once he had the insurance money. However, the insurance company was making everything very difficult.  Kenny knew he should have settled for something cheap when he had—as his lawyer called it— "some difficulties in his case”. But Kyle had practically begged him to stay with them a little longer, arguing that after a traumatic event like losing his home and all his belongings he shouldn't be alone. Stan also said he could pay some rent, and that it would help them a lot.  Now he wished he had refused because his friends' arguments were driving him crazy. He needed a new place. No matter how much he loved his friends, he wasn't comfortable living with them anymore.  'What is it now?' he wondered while approaching the room where the argument was taking place. But he wasn't able to hear a single word of what Kyle and Stan were saying because Kyle heard his approach before he set foot in the room.  "Kenny! Did we wake you up?"  Kenny was sure he was walking quietly, but he wasn't surprised at all that Kyle had noticed him. Kyle always had the ability to know when someone was about to enter the room he was in, so there was no way to surprise him.  When Kenny entered the kitchen he saw that Stan was in his pajamas, but Kyle was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, definitely at the end of his walk of shame.  "Didn't I tell you I like to get up early on Sundays? Hearing your sexy voices in the morning is just the cherry on top."  Kyle was about to apologize, but Stan spoke first. "Sorry man. Kyle's just getting on my nerves." "Me? You're an asshole!" Kyle glared at Stan and left the room. “So.” Kenny yawned. “You two are mad because you didn’t get to sleep together?”  “No! God, stop that.” Stan stormed out of the room too.  “Y'know Kenny, your friends' sexual tension isn’t funny anymore,” he mumbled to himself, pondering whether he would have cereal or eggs for breakfast. While Kenny was cooking, he noticed a small black gift box resting on the kitchen table. It had a white card attached addressed to Kyle. Kenny didn't have to be a genius to guess that this package was the latest gift Kyle’s boyfriend had given him, or that this was the reason why Stan was in such a foul mood.  Since the beginning of time, people were meant to recognize their perfect match when their irises shone after their eyes met. Once they met, soulmates were meant to become the happiest couple together. That's why many people thought that romantic relationships should only exist between soulmates.  However, some believed that anyone could be happy with whomever they chose, even if it wasn't their soulmate. One of those was Kyle, which was why he had been dating a guy who wasn't his soulmate for the past six months. Stan didn’t approve of their relationship.  Stan was usually tolerant and didn't meddle in other people's business, but this was Kyle, and apparently he thought of his friend as an extension of himself. Stan used to follow Kyle around, telling him that he shouldn’t crush on anyone, let alone have a boyfriend. They would yell and fight for hours and then the next day they would laugh as if nothing happened. Kenny sat on the couch in the living room and turned on the TV. He was sure Stan was really in love with Kyle, but he would never say it because his eyes didn't shine when he saw Kyle for the first time.    When Kenny finished his breakfast and was about to turn off the television to avoid watching the newest smartwatch commercial again, his Freedom Pals intercom started buzzing.  “What?” asked once he was sure he was completely alone.  “Hi Mysterion, it’s Tupperware. I’m calling everyone for an urgent meeting at the base in two hours.”  Kenny wanted to groan because he hated morning meetings, especially on Sundays, but instead he said “Okay, I’ll see you there.”  “See you.”  A few minutes later, Kyle and Stan left their rooms and Kenny asked them where they were going. Of course, he knew his friends had received the same call as him and were heading to the base, but he was still curious to discover what excuse they would use to leave the house without him. Stan muttered some incomprehensible answer before Kyle elbowed him and told Kenny his mother wanted them to help her to move some boxes. When Kenny, grinning, offered his help it was Stan’s turn to hit Kyle. "Don't worry dude, we got this." Stan took Kyle's hand and they both fled out of the house before Kenny could say anything else. As soon as they left Kenny got up off the couch and stretched. He didn't bear a grudge against his friends for hiding that they were superheroes who had been summoned to an urgent meeting. Because he was also a superhero who was hiding his true identity. Kenny had trust issues when it came to his superhero identity, so when he decided to join the Freedom Pals he couldn't resist the urge to investigate all the members of the group. After following Toolshed for a few weeks it was easy for him to discover that his true identity was Stan Marsh, but the alien, Human Kite, wasn't that easy. He had to befriend Stan first in order to find out anything about Kyle.  Sadly, even when he decided he could trust them, he wasn't able to tell them about his secret identity. Kenny had kept the secret for so long he didn't even know how to tell anyone the truth. Besides, he was afraid of how his friends would react when they discovered that he had just pretended to like them at first.        Two hours later Kenny let out a long sigh. He was sitting in his usual spot in the base's meeting room, waiting for Tupperware to arrive.  All the superheroes he knew were there. Even the ones that lived outside the city had been summoned. Whatever was happening it was huge and everyone was nervous. Well, almost all of them were nervous. Because Stan and Kyle—sitting across him—were still arguing. Even in their superhero outfits they were unable to stop being themselves.  “Sup, Mysterion.” The Coon sat beside him and blocked his view, waving a hand in front of Kenny's eyes. “Do you know what Tupperware wants?”  “No.”  “Weren't you supposed to know everything?”  “That’s Doctor Timothy.”  “Sure, sure—” The Coon started to play with his claws.  Kenny rolled his eyes. The Coon was the superhero he hated the most. Everyone knew he was only in the business for the fame and money that his YouTube videos and merchandise gave him. Nevertheless, the public loved him; unlike Mysterion, The Coon was approachable and always had time for the fans.  Kenny didn't trust him, and since the rumor of The Coon dating a villain began to circle his confidence in him had diminished even further.  "Have you seen the new smartwatch commercials?" The Coon didn't wait for his answer. "I'm at the top of the pre-order list! My girl is gonna be the first one to wear that shit."  "Your girl? Didn't Heidi say she was more into jewelry than tech?"  The Coon smirked, silently mocking Kenny. Calamity Heidi had robbed a jewelry store two months ago under Mysterion's nose. "Heidi's—hot, but unfortunately for her, we aren't a thing. So, keep guessing."  Suddenly, the main entrance of the room opened and Tupperware arrived. "An apology to everyone; something happened while I was on my way."  After that, he started telling them why he called the meeting.      Apparently a very trustworthy source told him that Professor Chaos, the most dangerous supervillain of their time, was planning on stealing a secret government experiment called The Matchmaker, the only machine in the world that could analyze the eyes of any subject and find their soulmate by running a complex algorithm.    After Tupperware said that The Coon and, surprisingly, Human Kite started to laugh. "What's so funny?" Tupperware frowned.  "You said the Matchmaker, Tupp. That's a fucking myth," The Coon answered, still laughing, and started to point vaguely to the rest of the guys in the room. "You can't seriously think we are gonna believe that the machine exists."  "Well, yes, I believe it, and if you shut up and listen to me, I'll tell you what I know so far." Tupperware explained to them that the Matchmaker was secured in one of the government's secret bunkers, and that Chaos wanted it. In order to run the algorithm the machine had to get the private information of everyone without their consent, including other countries' citizens. Chaos was planning to use the machine to blackmail the government, as it was obvious that very few people would be happy to know that their private information was used without their consent. And at a international level, it didn’t matter if the machine was able to find soulmates. No government likes to know that they've been hacked. If Chaos spread that information and showed proof, he could create a diplomatic disaster and start a war.  "Why don't they destroy it?" Human Kite interrupted Tupperware. “It's wrong that it exists. And by doing so, they would destroy the evidence.”  "Destroy it! Are you nuts?!" Toolshed jumped out of his seat. "If it works it's the most precious invention on earth!"  "It is?"  "Of course!"  "Even if we don't take into account the great impact that the machine will have for humanity, the government has already spent a lot of money on its development to end up destroying it," Tupperware said.  "Do-does it wo-work?" Fastpass looked at Tupperware, curious.  "Our task is only to protect it. It shouldn't matter whether it works or not."  “You're kidding me, right?” Mosquito spoke for the first time at this meeting.  Tupperware sighed. “It works, BUT nobody is allowed to use it. The machine has serious issues! Seven people that have used it have died.”   The meeting continued with more questions until they decided they were going to divide into teams to keep the Matchmaker safe. That's how Kenny ended in the first night shift standing guard with Toolshed, Human Kite, and The Coon. They were a "lovely" quartet.    When they entered the vault where the Matchmaker was Toolshed and The Coon almost ran to the machine to admire it.  "Do you think it really kills people?" asked Stan.  "No, I bet they just told Tupperware that to prevent us from using it," The Coon responded without taking his eyes off the machine.  "We have to use it." Stan's eyes were glowing behind his protective glasses.  "You heard Tupperware; the machine is dangerous. Don’t believe The Coon." Kyle was also looking at the device with a mix of curiosity and disdain. The Matchmaker was a small cube, no bigger than a shoe-box, with an eye scanner, a button, and a small screen.  "I'm with Toolshed, he has to use it," said The Coon, and Kite rolled his eyes. "Has anyone here met their soulmate?" The Coon asked.  "No," answered Stan, looking crestfallen.  "I don't need to find them." Kyle crossed his arms and turned around.  "Aaaand he's one of those, why am I not surprised?"  "One of those?" Human Kite growled.  "What about you, Mysterion?" The Coon ignored Kyle.  "That's none of your business."  "Rude much. I'm guessing the answer is a no."  "And you?" Stan glanced at The Coon.  The superhero seemed to doubt whether he should answer, but he ended up saying "no."  Stan sighed. "I'll do anything to find my soulmate." He was about to touch the device when Kyle smacked his hand away like a mom will do to her child when they’re doing something wrong.  "Tupperware said it's dangerous!" Kyle repeated.  Stan groaned but agreed to keep himself away from the machine, and instead started to plan how to build something around the device to protect it even more. It seemed like The Coon wanted to protest but he wasn't going to fight Kyle, so he just sat on the ground and started sharpening his claws while watching Toolshed work.     Even past midnight, Kenny was leaning on the wall, standing guard and silently watching his team. Human Kite was begrudgingly guarding the door, and Toolshed was testing that his newly built trap against Professor Chaos was working.  The Coon, meanwhile, was practicing his aim by throwing knives at the ceiling and near his teammates' heads, arguing that he was providing the small rush of adrenaline they all needed to stay awake and sharp. "Knock it off!" Human Kite scolded him after he threw a knife pretty close to Mysterion's head. All that time Kenny had been trying to keep his cool but that last knife made him flinch. Now he had to beat The Coon to death. Kyle must have guessed his intentions and decided to intervene.  "Take it easy Kike."  "Kite!"  "Isn't immortality Mysterion's superpower? Also, your healing abilities will patch him fast enough if I fail."  "You're impossible. Why does Tupperware make us work with him?" Kyle asked, frustrated.  "Because we are the only ones who haven't tried to kill him," Stan answered, taking a step back from The Matchmaker, at last happy with his handiwork.  "Then we should fix that," Kenny suggested, using his raspy and menacing voice.    But he couldn't fulfill his threat because, at that very moment, the lights turned off and they heard shooting outside the vault.  "It's Chaos?! Where is he?" The four of them activated their night vision googles and started searching for the villain.  "Duck!" Human Kite yelled when he heard the unmistakable sound of a bomb activating. The wall behind them exploded and debris flew everywhere.  When Kenny managed to look up again, he saw that Human Kite had used his shield to protect them. "Are you alright?"  "Yeah."  "Thanks, Kite." Stan smiled at Kyle, and Kenny could have sworn his friends blushed a little.  "Ha! Who could have imagined that getting inside of a super-secret, ultra-secure government facility would be this easy." They knew perfectly well that voice belonged to Chaos, even if they weren't able to see him yet.  Kenny stood up and took a battle stance when Chaos appeared amidst the dust. His crooked smile and his pose made Kenny remember the last time they fought. Chaos had blown through what he thought was a random apartment to escape, but in reality it was Kenny's home. This was revenge time.  Mysterion lunged at Chaos, but the professor noticed him and made a gesture to his mechanical minions to stop him. "Mysterion! It's been a while since we last saw each other."  Kenny hated when Chaos used a friendly tone while he commanded his drones to kill him. Soon Toolshed, Human Kite and The Coon joined him and started fighting the drones too.  "What do you think of my drones, Toolshed? They are fine works of engineering, aren't they?"  "They're bothersome pieces of junk."  Chaos frowned. "Here I thought you were the only one who would appreciate them. I overestimated you."     It didn't matter if Stan thought the drones were junk or not, because they were kicking their asses and were making it very hard to protect the Matchmaker. Chaos had managed to suppress their defense and was now trying to disarm the protection Stan made before.  "I'll take care of him," The Coon said as he evaded the drones protecting Chaos and kicked him in the stomach.  Chaos yelled something about The Coon having rabies and then they started fighting. Mysterion tried to shake off the drones but since The Coon wasn't helping them anymore, it was more difficult than before.     After a few minutes when it seemed like they were, at last, gaining some ground they heard a groan and a small boom. The Coon had hit one of his claws on Stan's protection device, deactivating it.  "What did you do? You idiot!" Toolshed growled.  "I didn't mean to, your stupid di…" The Coon tried to defend himself, but his distraction allowed Chaos to electrocute him. He slumped unconscious to the ground.  Chaos started cackling when he saw the others were in no position to stop him. "At last." But when he grabbed the matchmaker, Kyle blasted him into the nearest wall.  "No, you won't take it."  "Kite! Be careful! You could destroy The Matchmaker!" Toolshed yelled, alarmed.  "Better destroyed than in the wrong hands."    Mysterion didn't say a thing, thinking they should get The Matchmaker away from Chaos first and worry about if it was damaged or not later, but when he'd defeated the last drone who was stopping him and was about to run towards Chaos, he heard a buzz and a low ‘beep’ sound that stopped him in his tracks.  When Chaos saw Kyle's blast, he tried to protect The Matchmaker from damage by covering it with his hands. However, due to the force he used to hold it, he accidentally activated it.  Chaos was dizzy enough that he didn't understand what was happening until the machine started beeping and the eye scanner of the device shone a red light in his face. "What?!"  The villain threw The Matchmaker as far away as he could once he understood what was happening. Apparently he also knew about the dangers of the device and was scared of it.  Everyone in the room fell silent, expecting the machine to blow up because it kept beeping. The machine made an even louder beep before going silent. Then the screen lit up and some letters appeared on it while the machine spoke.  "Congratulations! I have found your perfect match.  Your soulmate's name is Kenneth McCormick.”    Mysterion froze in place. He couldn't believe what he heard and for a moment imagined that the machine was talking about another Kenneth. Someone else in the world had to share his name. But after Kenny's name, the machine started reciting private information about him—like his last registered address, his physical appearance, and his last job.  If they had been silent before, now it seemed that they were dead because not a single person dared to breathe.  Kenny stared at Chaos, who couldn't take his eyes off the Matchmaker.  "Holy shit!" Stan was the first to speak, and the sound of his voice broke the spell they were trapped in.  Chaos stood up, pale and with his legs shaking.  "Mysterion, grab him!" Kyle yelled at Kenny once Chaos started to run out of the vault, but Kenny didn’t hear him. He couldn't believe it.  Professor Chaos, the most dangerous and psychotic villain in history, was his soulmate.  His soulmate.  His destined person.  His.  Chaos.