BROKEN

Was It Even True In The First Place? I thought I found the cure. I thought I was finally complete, thinking the necessity to find fulfillments for my ever ravenous heart had finally ceased. I thought life finally had meaning. I thought there was finally something genuinely worth yearning for… How stupid was I to think so? Have I forgotten all I've experienced? But I loved her! Though I won't claim my love to be a consummate one but nonetheless, it was still genuine. I love that girl like I've never done for anyone else. I gave her my heart, I gave my time, I gave her what I cherished the most… I GAVE HER MYSELF! But it seems it was never enough. My greatest effort fulfilled the least of yearning, or so she claims. Despite how much I gave, despite how much I sacrificed… It wasn't enough. I couldn't satiate her desires. I could bring cessation to her searching when she had brought cessation to mine. But I chose to be satisfied with everything she was. I wanted her and only her. I could have wanted more but I didn't. I could choose to be unsatisfied but I CHOSE HER! Even though I was afraid, even though I was terrified… I still chose to love her. I became “human” because of her. I tore away my mask because I didn't want what she loved to be a lie. I threw away logic just to be with her. I knew that I might get hurt when I chose to finally let down the defense around my heart… because I wanted her. Because I loved her, I risked finally fracturing my fragile heart. Even when everything didn't make sense, I chose her. I didn't need love but she needed it and so, I wanted it. I chose to love FOR HER SAKE because she had never been loved in a manner I thought she deserved. I thought she deserved to be truly loved for once… but it seems she wanted otherwise. You know, I had built an insurmountable wall around my world of gloomy greyness but I chose to break it all away knowing fully well that I might one day regret doing so. The regret of not choosing to love her would have been more overwhelming than being terrified of being broken because I showed my vulnerabilities. It was a risk I was willing to take for her. Was I stupid? Maybe. I had seen the pain from afar and I still chose to continue walking knowing that one day I'll have to endure it. I knew what the end depicted but she was just too precious for me to let her go. I knew that one day the dark nights will pervade my soul once again, like they've always done… but I still ignore the whispers of the end. I had become too attached to my love. I loved her because she said she loved me… No! I loved her because I wanted to love her! I chose to love her! I had been afraid of love and to love. I was frightened of that concept, for it wasn't like anything I knew. It was unpredictable like human nature… To be fair, love was human. I couldn't discern its nature and such, it frightened me… After all, I've always hated and avoided the uncertain. I hated the uncertain so much that I'd jump into an ocean of uncertainties just to finally shine light on what obscured my cognition. I've always wanted to know everything. A curious cat you might call me… Maybe curiosity does indeed kill the cat. Love was an uncertainty but it was different. It wasn't the kind that could be understood using pure rationality, instead its entire domain of influence resided precisely in the realm of irrationality. There was no use in going into the world of love expecting to discern its mechanism, cognition was merely a supplement there, irrationality held the greatest influence. I knew this. I was aware of this when I still chose to fall for her. It was to my understanding that I was to leave behind my greatest defense, my cognitive abilities, in this world of madness and dive head first into that churning ocean of mysteries called love. You know… I've never experienced love. Something genuine and somewhat tangible. The kind that wasn't just words. Wasn't it human to yearn to be loved? Wasn't it human to desire to be wanted? Wasn't it human to at least be vulnerable to one person? Wasn't it human to have fuckin' emotions? I just wanted to be human too. I just wanted to feel too. I just wanted to love and be loved too. What was so hard about this? What was so confusing about this? You think you are the only one afraid? You think you are the only one with trust issues? You think you are the only one that finds it hard to fully commit? You think I don't think I have feelings too? Maybe you never really saw me as another person. Maybe to you, I was just a boy. Just a “thing” that you couldn't fathom because you refuse to try to understand what a “person” was. I saw you as the most gorgeous star in a world void of stars and pervading with greyness. My only illumination when I drifted through the endless greyness in search of nothing. In a world that has only known melancholia, your laughter was strange; so full of youthful bliss and love… or so thought. My love, you made my once lonely night into nights that I didn't fathom they could become. Every word we spoke to each other drove away the negativity that had once plagued my life like a constant. Every night, I went to sleep knowing you loved me and I loved you. Everyday, you were my first thought as I opened my two eyes and also the very last as I shut them. Every single moment, there was only you. Every single day, I yearned for you. Every single day, I expressed how much I wanted you. Every single day, I wanted nothing more than to be with you. And every single day, you reassured me that you felt the same. LIAR! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FILTHY LIAR! HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS? HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO LOVE ME WHEN NOT EVEN THE EMPATHY HAS EVER TRACED YOUR HEART? WHY LIE TO ME, MY LOVE?... YOU DIDN'T NEED TO… I should hate you but I can't. The only thing my heart should feel for you currently should be utter hatred, for you lied to me and betrayed everything I ever felt for you. My love, you broke me. You fractured a fragile thing. But I still can't hate you. I can't because… I love you. Back then, even when the dreadful claws of sleep grasp at my skull, I'd fight back because I wanted to spend every second of the limited time I had with you. Every single day, I waited, full of irrational yearning, just so you may speak with me, for that was all the distance between us allowed. It wasn't enough, for I wanted more of you, my alluring beloved, but I had to settle for that. I did everything just so I could be with you. I did things I'd never imagine myself doing. I took risks I wouldn't do for anyone else just so I could see you. Just so I could satisfy my yearning for you. Just so I could ease the burning pain in my chest for every second we spent apart. But you… you always had excuses for why you couldn't do the same for me. You always had a reason for why you didn't yearn for me like I yearned for you. I wasn't blind, I was just simply in love. I could see your flaws but I wanted you beyond the measure of what was normal… as such, I ignored them all. I ignored your flaws for I feared that nitpicking would make me lose you. I saw your lack of care and effort and yet… and yet I pushed on. I really wanted her. I really did love her. You know what I find the funniest? I told her how afraid I was of breaking this relationship we've built because I've grown to love her too much, because I've grown too attached to her, because she had become a necessity, because she had made me human. She promised. She gave me her word and I gave her mine. Guess who's words were genuine and who's were full of maggots? She broke me. She tainted my love despite how much I begged her to never do such. She defiled what I held divine. Now… How am I meant to love? How am I meant to love another after everything? Now, what am I to do? I had always been skeptical about the concept of love and she came into my life and proved me right for doubting its fictitious nature. How can you love me for so long and end it all as if it had meant nothing? How can you let go of me so easily? Did those times when our lips touched, when our tongues entwined, when my arms embraced your waist, pulling you closer so I may never lose you meant nothing to you? You never actually wanted me, right? Had you even truly loved me in the first place, my love? What am I even supposed to do now? Pretend that all of these never happened? After all we've done together? I'm not that heartless, my love. You may forget me but I definitely wouldn't be able to forget you… and it pains me. Maybe I actually want the pain. The fact that I hurt reminds me that I do indeed love you. When I stop hurting… then it might all finally end. What a pity our love story had to end this way, my confused lover. I'm still oblivious as to why you shattered my illusion.