Something about Kunikida

The day was just beginning. The sun had barely risen, the wind was playing with the branches of trees and bushes. There had been and will be many more days like this. Kunikida Doppo was a very ordinary guy. Tall, with blond hair and green eyes that were adorned with glasses. He was dressed in some kind of home clothes. Right he was sitting in the kitchen and eating yesterday's food. And although it was quite cold, it did not affect the taste much. But it was not enough, to put it mildly. His mother came into the kitchen. She looked irritated and seemed to be in a bad mood. Kunikida realized that today he would probably have to eat something no more expensive than ramen again, because in such a state Awaji Kunikida would hardly cook anything. When this happened, Doppo either cooked for himself or just bought something to eat at the store. He knew for sure: if his mother was not in the mood, there was no food to wait for. Kunikida finished breakfast and without saying a word to his mother, went to his room to count the yen to see if he had enough for a meal today. To be honest, he was pretty tired of all this. Doppo missed the times when he actually ate well. But the last time was eight years ago, before the Great War began… After counting as much money as he needed, he started getting ready for school. *** “Otou-san… will you be there when I graduate?” the still very young, seven-year-old boy asks his father. There were only a few months left before school started, and he was a little worried about it. Nothing special, just new experiences and all that. “Yes. I promise. I’ll be there. And I’ll be proud of you. Honestly.” Doppo smiles and hugs him, not even suspecting that what he said was an unintentional lie... Senpachi Kunikida will never see his son graduate from school, never see him as an adult, and never feel his embrace again. His body was found in the morning, hanging. It might have seemed that he did it himself, if there weren't signs of strangulation on his neck. That's when it became clear - someone killed him. His wife was informed of his death. *** Honestly, Awaji would give everything to meet her husband again. He was always the best for her, the one who would never abandon her... She was afraid to admit it, but she even thought about suicide. She didn't do it, only because she became afraid. She wanted, even tried to hang herself, at the last moment she thought about how scary it was to die, and only for that reason she retreated. Nothing held her back, not even her own son. If she had the courage, she would have been rotting in the noose long ago. Awaji had no reason to live, no reason to continue to exist. She just wanted to dissolve into the darkness. Close her eyes and never wake up. The only one who stayed with her was Doppo. Her own son. He was also a kind of ray of hope in the life of Kunikida Awaji, although after the main turning point in her life, this affection seemed to evaporate somewhere. She was often rude to him or insulted him. There were even physical violence. When Kunikida started going to school, she began to demand too much from him. To study perfectly. She was furious when something did not go as expected. Doppo could literally get hit for not washing the dishes well. This continued until his teenage years. He stopped trying to establish a relationship with her, responded rudely, and, since he was no longer a defenseless child, began to resist when she tried to hit him. Although Doppo often avoided her altogether. *** "Okaasan…" "Not now, Doppo" The woman glanced back at the boy, who looked at her innocently. He had wanted to talk to her for the second day, but nothing worked, no matter how much he tried. The boy sighed, realizing that trying to make his mother talk again was unsuccessful, and returned to his room. Kunikida Doppo had been waiting for his father to come home from the war for several days. He understood little of what was happening, and all he could do was endure. He wanted to ask his mother about it, but for some reason she no longer wanted to talk to him, which Kunikida was not used to at all. He knew that he could trust his mother, she promised that if he was sad, she would definitely support him. And now that moment had come. But why then did she do nothing? Doppo had no answer to that question. He was alone now, thinking about it. Even if she spoke to him, she was usually just rude. He had no idea why she was acting like that. She was never like that… It all happened too suddenly. Literally about three months ago, everything was fine. He lived with his family, was preparing to enter school, and was just a happy child. But the Great War began, destroying all of little Doppo's hopes of continuing to live in good conditions. There was no news from his father, his mother ignored him. Sadness gradually filled his heart, he often cried and practically prayed to meet his beloved parent again. Kunikida Senpachi was an example for his son. He was smart, cared for his family and promised Doppo a good future. When the war began, he went to the front. He promised that he would return. But it never happened. It seemed like not much time had passed, but melancholy literally ate the seven-year-old boy from the inside. He was rarely sad, but now it seemed that nothing could help. There was no life in Doppo's eyes, no glint. They were absolutely empty. If he looked straight at you in such a state, you would at least feel uncomfortable. His cheerfulness also faded over time. His condition was more like depression or something like apathy. Anxiety increased. He was very worried about his relationship with his mother. Some three months ago, their relationship was very good, maybe she was a little strict, but nothing serious ... and now ... she has become much rude. Much more aggressive. She did not even wish him good morning, and it seems she has lost a lot of weight. However, this problem affected Kunikida himself. He hadn't eaten this morning. And he probably wouldn't have dinner either. His body felt very weak, sometimes his eyes would go blurry and he would lose his balance. Doppo didn't know why this was happening, but it seemed that hunger was starting to make itself felt... All of a sudden, his mother came into the room. She looked even more exhausted than before, tears streaming from her eyes. She knew that it would be very difficult to tell the child about this, but she knew that she couldn't hide it forever. She had been patient for a few days, but it seemed that the time had come... Kunikida looked at her, even felt happy for a moment, ran up and hugged her. She tiredly stroked his head and said: "Doppo...i...i have something to tell you...." Kunikida began to smile, hoping to hear good news, but when he raised his head, all he heard was: "Your dad... is...uh...dead." At that moment, his heart seemed to stop. Dead?.. He took a few seconds to recover from the shock, then pressed himself even closer to his mother, seemingly in hysterics. Doppo had never cried so much before. The pain of realizing what had happened literally tore him apart. But there was nothing he could do about it. It was one of the worst days in Kunikida Doppo's life. *** Kunikida walked along the empty street straight to school, then met his best and only friend, Tayama Katai. They met a few days after the end of the Great War, when Kunikida was twelve and Katai was thirteen, and quickly became friends. As it turned out, Katai's situation was similar to Kunikida's. Only instead of a father, he lost his mother. Tayama didn't tell Doppo much about his family's situation, but it was obvious that everything was about the same as his. Maybe even worse. Often Kunikida noticed scratches or bruises on Katai's body, but when asked what happened, he nervously looked away. He was very afraid to tell anyone what had happened. Even Kunikida, who was the only one who understood and supported him. Katai did not want to remember his father at all, especially about the beatings that happened often. Very often. They took place even before the Great War, so Katai was always doomed. Unlike Doppo, who could resist, Tayama simply cringed. He understood that he could not resist his father. He could not protect himself. This was his life. "How are you? Everything is fine?" "Pretty fine. It has been worse..." Doppo nodded and they went into the classroom. *** The end of the last lesson. Doppo collects his things and puts away his phone so as not to write to his mother. He said goodbye to Katai, went into the store to buy something to eat, and entered the entrance to his house. He sat down on the landing and started eating what he bought. In general, nothing unusual, this day promised to be the same as all the previous ones. Soon he would finish eating, go into his apartment and slip past his mother into the room. Kunikida did not really want to cross paths with her that day, there had already been a scandal in the morning. Completely out of the blue. He even managed to forget the reason. But something told him that he would avoid his mother for a few more days for sure. He fundamentally did not want to hear anything from her lips. Kunikida would be lying if he said that he did not miss the time when his mother did not quarrel with him and truly cared for him. These memories, although very blurry, were still something warm in the boy's life. He never dreamed of becoming who he was, he didn't even know that it was possible, but the events that ended just three years ago made the once cheerful boy become cold and even somewhat aggressive. Sometimes he thought about what kind of person he would have been and what kind of person his mother would have been if not for the Great War and the loss of his father. He saw with his own eyes the horrors that happened in those times. He thought for a long time about how cruel and unfair this world is, and in the end he wanted to change it. Make it perfect. Without murder and cruelty. After a short break from eating, he takes a notebook out of his backpack and writes down his further thoughts about all of this, deciding that going into the apartment could wait. He was determined enough to do what he had planned, but alas, there was still a lot to think about. A lot. And Kunikida understood this perfectly well, so he continued to write, wrote in great detail about how he would one day, one fine day, change this world for the better. For a moment, the thought flashed through his mind that he would definitely bring glory to his family. And it would definitely happen. Someday. Later. For now, he was not the savior of the world and the one everyone would thank, but simply Kunikida Doppo, the most ordinary student in the most ordinary school. But most of all, even more than changing the world, he would like to meet his father again. Kunikida remembers him more clearly than his mother. He remembers his father as a caring and kind person who taught him a lot. To his own surprise, Doppo remembered one moment well: when he was five years old, he looked at his father, smiling and in high spirits, and said: "I'm so proud of you, Oto-san!" It had been ten years, but it seemed like it was only yesterday. Despite the outward lack of emotion (which in fact was not there), every time Kunikida remembered it, he wanted to cry. He stood up, went to the window on the landing, opened it, looked at the sky and whispered: "I'm so proud of you, Oto-san..." A tear rolled down his cheek. But Kunikida was smiling. For the first time in a long time, he was happy. Happy that he had a chance to change the world for the better. His father was sent away, he promised that he would protect people until his last breath. Kunikida wanted to continue his work. No, he was not going to become a soldier, that would just be pointless bloodshed and that's all. Even if his father had left like that, Doppo wanted to do something else. He looked at the sky again, closed the window, took his backpack and went into the apartment. It seemed that his mother was not home. This was only to Kunikida's advantage. He walked down the hallway to his room, changed into his home clothes and continued to think about all this. Yes, he would do what he planned someday. He definitely would. *** Kunikida was ashamed to admit it, but he had long forgotten his father's voice. *** Kunikida Doppo. This name means a lot to Dazai. At first glance, it may seem that there is nothing serious in their relationship. Yes, they are a strong duet and good friends, but is there anything deeper in this than caring for each other? Yes. From time to time, looking at Kunikida, Osamu noticed similarities with his deceased friend. Sakunosuke Oda. At first, it seemed like it was just a coincidence, and not worth paying too much attention to. But over time... Dazai realized that Kunikida was a new Oda for him. Yes, he might be younger, and he might be different in many ways, but he still noticed the similarities between them with the naked eye. It was as if Odasaku himself had returned to him, just in a completely different form. In Dazai's colorless world, a new hope appeared, a new reason to live... He loved Kunikida. He didn't want to lose him. He appreciated Kunikida's care for him. Loving him was the best feeling he had experienced in a long time... He thought about him in so many different contexts. From harmless hugs to something... harsher. But all these thoughts had one thing in common: they were about Kunikida Doppo. About someone who respected Dazai. Osamu didn't know if Doppo felt the same way, though he was sure that even if he did, he wouldn't admit it. Kunikida rarely opened up to anyone. *** There was a note on the table with slightly crooked handwriting. Kunikida only noticed it now. Who had left it here anyway? The note was upside down, and on the side that was facing up was written: "for Kunikida Doppo." He picked up the notorious piece of paper and turned it over. There was a unrhymed poem on it. "If Kunikida Doppo dies, The Armed Detective Agency will fall If Kunikida Doppo gets hurt Nothing will stop the enemies from attacking the Agency If Kunikida Doppo leaves Everything in the Agency will go wrong Kunikida's ideals will not save Kunikida's ideals will kill It is not ideals that are needed, but Kunikida himself Otherwise, there will never be peace anywhere He will reach his goal through fear and pain And until he helps everyone, he will not sleep Behind the cold gaze A lonely soul hides Which has been through terrible things Even old wounds always bleed But few know about this He will not be forgotten, he will be loved The enemy will not break him so easily Kunikida, please, do not die!" And at the bottom was the signature: "With love, Osamu Dazai." ...Why did Dazai have to write this? And for what purpose? Kunikida stared at the paper in confusion for a few more seconds before Osamu himself, who had entered the office, interrupted him. "Well, how do you like it?" he asked. "...Why did you write this?" Dazai remained silent. He didn't want to tell Kunikida the real reason. He didn't want to tell him about Oda and everything else. In the end, he didn't want to admit his feelings. Doppo looked at him, stood up and walked over, and then hugged him tightly. "...Thank you...that's very kind of you..." Dazai hugs Kunikida back. It was one of the most pleasant moments in the life of both of them.