The broken world

With these thoughts, Gerel once again headed toward the garden in the evening. There was a week left before the official negotiations, and he felt certain he knew what the next conversation would be about over their usual game of Mist and Clouds. And, to some extent, he was right. The emperor sat at the same terrace, at the same tea table. As usual, two cups were set out, and a board for Mist and Clouds was already prepared — he was expected. This time, there were no bodyguards in sight, which further convinced Gerel that Yukinari intended to ask him to serve — such discussions were better without the presence of outsiders. Yukinari, playing the role of a courteous host, poured tea into their cups. There was something ritualistic about these tea sessions — strange, yet understood only by the two of them. (Or was it understood? Gerel wasn't sure.) "This time, for a change, let's not play," Yukinari said softly. "Let's speak frankly." "I have no objection." "What do you think of Ryukoku? You've seen enough to form an opinion. And don't tell me again how beautiful it is." "I could repeat that if you'd like. I'm increasingly convinced that every kingdom has something to teach and something to learn from. But each also has flaws that hinder one from seeing its virtues." "I feel the same way. But tell me, have you ever wondered what the world would be like if there were no borders between the kingdoms?" Gerel smiled faintly. The conversation was taking the exact turn he had expected, and he was curious to see how far Yukinari would push it. "I think everyone would welcome it if peace prevailed, even if just for a time." "Again with your 'temporary peace'... No," Yukinari replied with a hint of impatience. "What if there were no more wars, ever? What if the kingdoms that have been at war for centuries became one great nation? Without borders, without emperors. Have you ever imagined such a world?" "I have," Gerel answered briefly and evasively. Yukinari studied him closely, as if trying to figure out what he was thinking. "I keep trying to understand what drives you. Just don't tell me it's for the money or power." "Why do you doubt that I simply wish to serve my country?" "Because we've discussed this before, and I know that neither patriotism nor loyalty to family, or anything like that, binds you to the Land of the Tiger. So why do you serve it? What do you hope to achieve in this war? What do you dream of?" Gerel did not want to answer any of those questions. Or perhaps he simply had no answer? Once, he wanted only to survive. Then, he wanted revenge: for his mother, for all the Strangers, for those who had the white blood... But as he grew older, he bitterly realized that no amount of vengeance could quench that thirst. He could kill ten thousand, a hundred thousand nomads, but he could never avenge what was lost in the past. Then, he wanted power. And he achieved remarkable success in this. But power, like revenge, turned out to be a poor remedy for loneliness and self-loathing. Had he ever dreamed of anything beyond that? Perhaps, but that was a long time ago. Now, he had grown up and become cynical. He remained silent, deciding to wait and see if Yukinari would speak further. The emperor hesitated, then seemed to resolve to be completely candid: "Do you know what I dream of? I dream of uniting the Middle Kingdoms. I want there to be no more wars. I believe it's possible to create a country that has never existed before, where reason, freedom, beauty, and law rule — not fear, money, and prejudice. A place where people are judged by their virtues. Where any peasant could learn whatever he wishes, be tested on his abilities and talents, and perhaps even rise to the highest ranks." "But you already have an exam for rank, like in Yuigui." "Yes. But it's no secret that it's just a formality. Only the descendants of noble families get the positions. You could rearrange the words: all the descendants of noble families get positions, regardless of whether they deserve them. And the common folk have no opportunity, not just to take the exam, but even to learn anything. You yourself said it: in my country, being a poor girl from the slums means you're doomed for life... But I believe that one day, this exam will be completely fair. And women will be able to — not only able, but eager — to participate. Just like in Yuigui. The emperor himself will ask the questions to the candidates. And those who govern will be only those who are capable of wielding power wisely. Moreover, the people will choose their ruler... I don't want to say, 'I will create a country where everyone will be happy' — sorrow and happiness are in the hands of the individual. But I do want to create a country where people, at least, will have more chances to be happy than they do now." Gerel listened with a cold smile. "So you're quite the idealist. But I suppose that's no surprise — you're still so young..." Yukinari was twenty-two, only six years younger than Gerel. But Gerel wasn't at all sure that he wanted to hear what the emperor was about to say and wished to stop him, even if it meant being rude or arrogant. But Yukinari understood him — sometimes even more than he needed to — and so he let the remark about age slide past, continuing: "You can keep saying that I'm naive and that it will never happen. I've thought that myself at times, which is why I was afraid to even voice these thoughts to myself, let alone share them with others. But now I've seen you, and I've realized you've thought about this too. You, like me, have seen Yuigui and know how wonderful a country can be when it's ruled by wise leaders, fair laws, and prosperous citizens..." "Well then," Gerel said with a touch of sarcasm, "shouldn't we just let Yuigui continue ruling the world?" "And drain the life from other countries like it has for centuries? I'm no fool, General, I know that Yuigui's happiness comes at the expense of others. Yet, I still believe that it's possible to lead other countries to the same prosperity, but without oppressing each other. The world we live in, having wallowed in endless wars for centuries — it's all wrong, monstrous, unjust, unfair. The world should not be like this. It's as if it was broken long ago... But I believe it can be fixed. And you want the same thing, don't you? You want to change the world for the better, even if you're using rather unsavory methods... We are connected. You feel it too, don't you? It's like a memory of something that doesn't exist. A false longing for a different, never-before-seen world..." Gerel flinched, raised his hand as if to stop him, but said nothing. "Like phantom pain..." Yukinari continued mercilessly. "But what if we gathered the courage to believe that such a world — this right world — could actually exist?" "If anyone tells you that this world is all there is, don't believe them..." "Mother, not this again..." he says, with a touch of irritation. She smiles, her expression filled with a tender guilt. Her frail, delicate figure, with eyes as pale blue as a summer sky, stares beyond his face, as if seeing something invisible to him. "I'm sorry... I know I'm not the mother you need — not strong enough, not... sane — that's what they say, right? But, you see, even if those worlds are just a fantasy, they're the only beautiful thing I have. They are, and you too, Gerel..." He sighs, sitting beside her and gently covering her hand with his. It pains him to look at her, but he's glad that, for a moment, she has remembered his existence. "Oh, mother..." She squeezes his hand. "My Gerel... You must hate me for bringing you into this hell, for giving you life. I am a coward. I just wanted someone to share my loneliness. Please, don't despise me for my weakness..." "I don't despise you, mother, how could you think..." "I know I'm supposed to live in this world. But you see, a person who's been locked in a prison will try to escape, won't they? Is it weakness that I still dream of a home beyond the prison bars?" He shakes his head. He doesn't know whether it's weakness or not. He just wants her to be healthy and happy. "It's a beautiful place..." she whispers. "If only our world could be a little more like the one I came from, there would be far more happy people... How I wish I could show you, Gerel! There, anyone can be what they wish to be. The people choose their ruler. There are no slaves, no masters, and work is a joy, not a burden, and no one forces women to marry those they don't love or to sell their bodies, and even the poorest have enough money not to starve..." "And no wars?" She rubs her temple with thin fingers, lost in thought. "I don't know... I don't remember... Probably not..." For a few moments, they sit in silence, looking at each other. How could Yukinari, of all people, see that in him? How could anyone think that his life, filled with wars, intrigue, betrayals, and — as the common gossip goes — bodies hung from posts, had anything to do with a dream of changing the world for the better? "A false longing for a different, never-existing world"... Why had he described it in those exact words? Gerel hoped his face remained unreadable. "You're an idealist. And how do you plan to... fix the world?" "I don't know yet," Yukinari said seriously. "I was hoping that together we could figure something out." "Together?" Gerel repeated, with an ironic edge. Yukinari fell silent. "At this point, you should invite me to serve you," Gerel tried to smile, but it came out, it seemed, less convincing than he hoped. Yukinari didn't smile or avert his gaze. "Yes," he said quietly. "At one point, I imagined that we could build this country together, ruling hand in hand. But now I think your ambitions probably don't stop at being a military leader — forgive me. In any case, you'll hardly be satisfied with that position in my country: Ryukoku has long been a peaceful nation, and they view the warrior class quite differently here than in your country... We've discussed this before. In Cheongju, military ranks are held in higher esteem than civilian positions, and the one who commands the army is nearly an emperor. We, on the other hand, inherited the foolish northern tradition of looking down on soldiers. You probably want more..." By now, Gerel had managed to banish his intrusive thoughts and almost regain his composure. He said: "No, I'm not that power-hungry. I don't delude myself into thinking your people, obsessed with aristocratic lineage and divine selection, would ever recognize me as their king. And I won't lie — I would serve you, I admire you, as probably everyone who sees you does. But if you knew my origins, you'd understand why your people would never accept me. Not as a military leader, or in any other capacity. I..." He stopped, realizing he had said too much already, and quickly shifted topics. "I, too, thought about the world you just described. You deserve some honesty, so I'll admit it — I've thought about it countless times since I was a boy. I'm older than you, so I've had more time to reflect. And I've come to realize that it's impossible. Such a world can only exist in imagination. You want our peoples to mix, to share the best of each other, but that won't happen. You dream of a land ruled by reason and freedom, but people don't strive for freedom, knowledge, beauty, or law, and they certainly don't rush to rid themselves of their prejudices. The people of our lands will always hate each other. You won't be able to dress the people of Cheongju in brocade and teach them to admire blooming cherry trees; you won't get the Southerners to abandon their horses and bows, forget their foolish superstitions, and lead civilized lives; you won't stop Northerners from looking down on other nations; you won't instill respect for women in the men of Ryukoku, nor independence in its women. How do you plan to make people happy?" "By force," Yukinari said quickly. He was clearly prepared for such a question. "At first, by force. It's unpleasant to admit, but you're right — people don't like to change. But they're not inherently bad — they just need a little push. In time, they'll understand and realize the necessity of such a state." "Very well," Gerel said, not particularly surprised by this answer, "let's assume that's how it will be. You'd make a great ruler. Perhaps even a genius. You're a dreamer, but you can think practically when needed; you're sincere in your desire to make the world better, which is rare in itself; usually, what interests people is how to seize power, but they couldn't care less about how to wield it," he couldn't help but throw a jab at Tokhung. "Still, this world of yours is impossible. If you trace the history of our states, you'll see that it always repeats itself. A talented ruler, like you, rises up, raises a nation from ruins, establishes a new dynasty, wins victories, forms alliances... But after the rise, decline is inevitable — the empire collapses, sinking back into chaos. What you dream of would take not decades, but centuries — and for all that time, power would need to remain in the hands of a single ruler, which, as you know, is impossible. Or perhaps some miraculous forces are needed, but I don't believe in them." "What if such forces exist?" "Ah, yes — you're the the Dragon of the East, after all," Gerel remarked coldly. "And you, then, don't consider yourself the Chosen of the White Tiger? "I don't think that highly of myself." "Well, I for one am inclined to believe it." "You're not serious, are you? Tigers, Dragons, their chosen ones... You're educated and intelligent — I can't believe you, like some peasant, believe in the Four Gods." "Gods, ultimately, don't care whether we believe in them or not. Faith isn't for the gods, it's for us. And I don't think believing in something is foolish," Yukinari said calmly. "It's a pity that you don't believe in anything, to believe in nothing — that's a hard life..." "I find it hard to believe in what I haven't seen. Still, I do envy those who believe: I too would like to have explanations for every circumstance in life, and always be certain of my own righteousness," Gerel said this sincerely, without mockery — it was hard for him to remain ironically aloof with Yukinari. Yukinari shook his head. "It's not about righteousness... But I think we'll talk more about this later. Still, it's amusing..." he smiled, "...how your fierce rejection of everything wonderful contrasts with the rumors that surround you." "Really? Do they even scare children with my name in Ryukoku?" Gerel wondered. "They do," Yukinari confirmed. "And it's not surprising — with your strange appearance. They say you have supernatural powers, and that your mother was a witch..." "Of course. And my father was a water spirit," Gerel smiled, a little awkwardly, already knowing what Yukinari would say next. And Yukinari said exactly what he was supposed to — a little off-topic at first glance: "I've always loved stories about the Strangers, yaoguai... They say they have strange faces, nothing like ours, and many of them have light hair. They say they can perform magic, don't age, and never die..." There it was. He was to Yukinari the same kind of magical talisman he was to Tokhung. Somehow, this thought left a bitter taste in Gerel's mouth. Though he knew why: despite his resistance, he had succumbed to Yukinari's charm, and at some point, he had wanted to believe that Yukinari, too, saw in him... well, at least a worthy opponent in the game of Mist and Clouds. "I'm not a demon, and I'm not a sorcerer. Sorry to disappoint you. It would be nice to be immortal, but I'm afraid that's not the case," Gerel said dryly. "I figured that out," Yukinari responded serenely. "I think I've learned a lot about you... I never believed the rumors about you. Not for a second did I think you'd be a living nightmare — and as expected, I met a regular man, tired and sad..." He paused for a second, as if he'd said something wrong, or perhaps recalling something. "But the moment we met — there, in the throne room, — when I first saw your face... It was the strangest and most wondrous thing I've seen; if anyone had told me that people with blue eyes exist, I would have laughed. I almost immediately realized you weren't a sorcerer or immortal. But in that moment, you were everything I believe in. And that's enough for me..." Not once before had someone mistaken him for a yaoguai, but no one had ever looked at him with such affection when admitting it, as Yukinari did at that moment. Gerel felt awkward; he almost saw his sharp, uncomfortable face from an outside perspective, the creases at the corners of his mouth, the fine lines around his eyes; his hand instinctively brushed through the hair that had turned almost white from the sun, now grown almost to his shoulders. "Nomads call people like me white blood — those people are sometimes born in the lands of the South, though rarely. It seems you've never seen a Stranger, or you wouldn't have mistaken me for one..." "Have you seen them?" Yukinari asked eagerly. "Wait, you're from the South? And your hatred for the nomads, which has become legendary — does that mean you fought against your own people...?" Gerel mentally cursed himself. He'd almost said too much again. He needed to be more careful. "Yes, I'm from the South, and my name comes from the lands of the Sun Bird, not the Tiger. But it's not interesting, and it doesn't matter. Do you seriously believe in the Strangers, your Majesty? You shouldn't listen to the rumors of uneducated peasants or the tales of the decrepit Taoists. It's like believing in... the Tiger and the Dragon." "I believe that the boundaries of the world aren't as narrow as we often think, and there are many things in this world that we still need to discover and understand," Yukinari replied peacefully. Gerel thought about the Strangers. The fox-girl, the cloth in brown spots, the bitter-sweet smell mixing with the scent of blood. What seems magical, beautiful, and mysterious through the lens of ignorance, upon closer inspection, turns out to be as ugly and sorrowful as everything else in this world. These thoughts bothered him, and to push them away, he reminded himself: "We were talking about gods." "Yes..." Yukinari paused. "I'm not sure it's worth discussing this with you, because I can see that you won't agree with me. But if you really are interested, I believe in gods because it's clear to me that everything that happens in the world is not by chance. The gods guide us, change us, and because of them, the most important people in our lives appear, and through them, we experience our happiest and most difficult moments..." "Honestly, that sounds repulsive to me," Gerel said bluntly. "The thought that we're just toys in someone's hands, that we're helpless... Why would anyone believe in that?" "We can accept our fate with dignity, which means we're not helpless. I think we should be thankful to the gods: they make us who we are." Gerel couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh: "I'd gladly be someone else. And from what I can tell, you don't seem very pleased with your fate either." "No," Yukinari said firmly. "I'm glad I am who I am, that I have the power to change something for the better... You're right, life is suffering, but it's through suffering and trials that we become who we are; and we are loved for who we've become, not for who we might have been. I believe life is also happiness, if you have loved ones to share it with. Then the burden placed on you by the gods becomes a joy." Gerel decided not to argue — there was no point in stepping onto such treacherous, foreign ground. He had no loved ones, and he had no intention of getting close to anyone. Even if he did, it was unlikely that someone like him could ever make it happen. The only woman who had ever meant anything to him had passed away so long ago that he could scarcely remember her face. And what about Yukinari? Did he have loved ones? Suddenly, Gerel wondered if this might be their last conversation, and the thought unsettled him. "Forgive me if anything I've said during our conversation has offended you," he said. "Our views on life are very different..." "At least you didn't say 'no'..." "I'm not sure what to say yet," Gerel admitted honestly. "But you will come tomorrow, won't you?" "I will. I want to talk to you about miracles." Yukinari smiled, the kind of smile one gives just before making a successful move.