We know who he is

       Jonna and Joona hated boredom with passion, and human-Ville coming to town was a welcome change and a source of elation. First, a new face right in their bakery, not at a faraway homestead. Second, who’d guess, Hannu, what’s that about, pal? You live side by side with a guy for a quarter of century, and then you find out the guy is gay. When had he had time to get acquainted, much less attached? He had been very keen on evading people in Hokanniemi. Sure, Hannu had said he had met Ville while visiting his parents in the town, but who’d trust what Hannu said? Still, it was a mystery: what kind of trick made Hannu tolerate another person and even share lodging while even his childhood friends were admitted to his cottage with much grudge and grumbling? Was it really just the magic of the name (same as Hannu’s late dog’s)? A riddle it was. So, the Kuikka twins cocked their ears and set out to investigate the mystery of the century. And to gawk at gays in action, just for fun. They didn’t get much fun. Hannu treated Ville with extraordinary (Hannu-wise) patience, just that. At most, he’d pat Ville on the head even when no witnesses were around (the investigators were lying on the bakery roof with binoculars). Well, Hannu was a natural weirdo. As for Ville, the mysterious guy gave the impression of a person dishing out his thoughts and feelings at once. Still, he’d just trail after Hannu everywhere, make happy faces, retell him everything (boasting to have taken the garbage out, really?), or, at most, pull Hannu by the sleeve to draw his attention. Even when Jonna left her brother on a lookout and crawled to Hannu’s cottage to peek between the curtains, she fled in five minutes out of boredom. Ville was watching muted TV while Hannu was sleeping with a pillow over his head. “Do you get it?” Joona asked his sister at their investigation meeting in the supply closet of their father’s bakery. “Strange. It is strange, and Ville is strange.” “And what if,” she climbed a stool and mirrored his posture of Rodin’s The Thinker. They had kept a habit of copying each other since childhood, when they had been using their absolute similarity to irk the hell out of adults. Even in their late teens, they could only be clearly distinguished in the sauna, and only a couple of years ago, Joona took pity on the neighbours and grew some fur on his chin since Jonna had failed to grow any prominent boobs. “What if Hannu kidnapped Ville from some mental ward to exploit him? Ville is too eager to take up Hannu’s duties in the shop, isn’t he? And he knows so little. Can you imagine, he had no idea that flour is made of cereals! Or, who the current president is—” “Right, he didn’t even know what a president is!” Her brother broke in. “Oh, I’ve remembered, for some reason, he believed that the graveyard manager is our major!” “And remember him holding your mobile upside down and talking into its back side?.. But no, a mere psycho is too boring. And it doesn’t stick right. Ville isn’t dumb, actually, he learns on the fly, he’s just awfully ignorant, a real man in the moon. You just don’t get such gaps in a mental hospital. And you know what? Do you remember how enthusiastic he was to play frisbee with Hannu? And what does a frisbee disc remind us of? A flying saucer. Meaning Ville is—” “An alien!” They finished the phrase together. “Freaking so! And he came to our planet not long ago. What for, I wonder? On vacations, on a business trip, for spying and conquering?” Maybe it were Jonna’s words; the twins were often having the same thoughts and didn’t remember who was the first to say it out loud. Judging by sci-fi movies, the main purpose of all aliens was to conquer Earth. Sure, there was one (at least) American movie with a good turtle-like e.t. and a flying bicycle, but it only proved that a friendly alien didn’t need a disguise. And if an alien was disguising itself as a human, it meant no good. Eek. The twins exchanged horrified glances. In a matter of seconds, they found themselves at the vanguard of the whole humanity and thus obliged to do something about their discovery. And they hated even to stay in charge of the bakery when dad was away to deliver orders. And now they were in charge of the whole planet. The first propulsion was to shift that responsibility onto someone else, but… “Who’d believe us?” Joona wondered. “Maybe Hannu? He is close enough to the alien and absolutely has to notice something strange. We must warn him, whom he nurtures in his bosom.” Joona pondered for a bit, and Jonna could understand his doubts. Hannu was one piece of brat and hardly deserved to be saved. And also, he was a terrible employee, unlike Ville. “We must.” Jonna spoke to dispel his doubts. “Why should we rack our heads over the issue all alone? Let him stress out, too.” “Will he, though? Stress out, I mean.” “Let’s see.” And on the next day, Kuikka twins sent Ville away to take pies to a woodmill, sent a bunch of teenagers to devil out from the bakery cafe, cornered Hannu near the oven, and showered him with facts and conclusions, all at once. Well, his reaction was as expected. Hannu inquired if Mr. Kuikka knew that his older children were taking drugs. Or was he adding some weed to the buns to boost sales? And now, if the UFO hunters didn’t want a batch of buns to burn and go to Hannu for lunch, they should clear the ground and take their follies anywhere else. “Did you notice,” Jonna pondered aloud at their routine meeting of Earth protectors, “Hannu tensing when you said for starters that you knew who Ville was?” “You think so? He’s always tense when people talk to him.” “Sure, but he’s usually pushier in our company. And here he didn’t start talking back at once—” “…as if he got a grip on himself. Meaning—” “…he’s well aware!” They concluded all together. “It’s so like him to side with alien invaders,” Joona agreed. “Or even—” They exchanged glances, as usual. “Hannu is an alien himself,” Jonna spelled out the thought. “Then it’s understandable why he hates people.” “And why he likes Ville! They are compatriots! No, hold on,” Jonna pulled her brother’s sleeve. “We have known Hannu since toddlerhood. We were sitting on potties next to each other, we were fighting over rattle toys. How could he possibly be an alien?” She knew the answer already, but Joona dished it out faster. “He infiltrated upon the birth of the real Hannu. A changeling.” Now that sounded true. That would explain why Hannu is such an asshole. Maybe he had been taking old Pekka’s crossbow in childhood to train killing humans. You live side by side with a guy for a quarter of a century, and then you find out the guy is not a human. But the thoughts didn’t stop at that, damn them. “What if they are not the only two aliens around?” Was it Joona who said that? Anyway, Jonna came up with the same idea. “Bingo. Take Paju. She’s a born invader and conqueror, with her control craze.” “Sure, and her manner to appear when you say her name aloud? That’s supernatural… Hush and see if she’s not coming.” The twins peeked out of the closet and into the cafe. No one was there, and the door was locked. But then a shadow passed behind the windows, and a shrill voice shook the glass. “Tuomi! Go home and study! Do you hear me?” On instinct, Jonna and Joona knelt and crawled back into the shelter of the supply closet. “No, appearing when named is from a different genre,” Jonna whispered. “That’s mystic.” “By the way, her little brother may be an alien, too,” Joona responded in the same whisper. “He loves people as much as Hannu does. And the other day, I saw him playing cantele in the woods for a hare.A hare, mind you!” “Righto. And his pack of classmates are birds of feather. The music they listen to—those horrible… sounds can only come from other planets. No normal human can invent it.” “Or the guy from the outskirts, the one returning from a big city to run a farm. Who’d prefer dung mixing to a solid city career? He must be preparing a base for invasion.” They browsed through the villagers for half an hour and came to the conclusion that absolutely anyone could be an alien. “Or dad,” Joona came down to the extremes. “Look at the bakery logo. A hybrid of a duck and a snail—what common human would come up with that idea? That must be the true form of life on his native planet.” “Doesn’t it make us aliens too?” Jonna spoke what was on her tongue and mind. “Yeees. From a hive mind race, I guess.” She nodded. It sounded very probable. And very convenient. It meant they are not obliged to protect humanity; they can relax and go with the flow as usually. Besides, who’d tell if there were any true humans around? Let Ville be and do their work.