Envy

      I don't want you to think of this as a suicide note. I want to be strong in your eyes, strong to the end. It's going to kill me but that's just the fact.and I don't want anyone biting themselves for it, especially you.       Before you came into my life and often for the first time since, I was who I am. I am the soul of the company. Everyone laughs at my jokes. I found my role in society and then you came along. You're a little demon who stabbed me in the back as soon as I warmed him up. But you didn't do it on purpose, I know.       You're special. People are attracted to you and you don't have to put any effort into it. You don't need it. You have enough of yourself, you have enough of the surface. You don't sink to the depths, wanting to capture everyone's attention but you unwittingly do. And it's infuriating. You are the center of the universe. You're everywhere. I should have been him. I envy you, and even more than I envy you. I hate you. I hate and adore you.       They turned away from me to you. I envy you. You took away my people, you took away my attention. You don't have to play with people to please them. You're such a person. You're cheerful and stubborn. You're always positive. God knows, I've never seen you sad before. I'm not surprised, but I'm angry. But the most annoying thing is that you deprived me of your attention. Yours. The one you've been with me all the time. I have a fantastic memory, I remember every word you said, I remember the coloring with which it was said...       Why is he? You and him jokingly go where you would never let me go. He's attracted to you like a magnet. I feel nothing but annoyance towards him. I don't hate him, I just slightly dislike him. I feel like a man who is trying his best to bring back someone who has left. In fact, I am. Why is he? Why do you attract people so much? I envy. I hate you. I've fallen into your net. It's infuriating and it feels good.       Your eyes… I found a picture of them and looked at everything in them. They, they're magical. You can say as much as you want that they are ordinary and gray. The greys don't look like that. The gray has a dark edge without admixture, the gray has a light core, uneven lines radiate from the pupil of the gray, dividing the iris into sectors visible only under clear light. And they're blue. No, not blue, not heavenly or marine. It is a delicate turquoise, slightly light yellow. This is what a sea wave can be like when it hits light sand. This is the color I once saw lilies - my favorite flowers. They were a cross between wild cousins and their cultivated hybrids. They grew in the middle of the flower bed, barely noticeable behind the motley of the lily sisters, but at the same time instilling a certain confidence in the flower bed. That's what attracted them. Your eyes are like two kyanites. Big, unstable, like these stones. They are not precious, but they are so rare that it takes at least a lot of sweat to find a natural one. With a lot of intricacies and stains. They're special ones. With slats of stripes. Magical ones. Your eyes are filled with this turquoise from top to bottom. A dark emerald stripe runs around the edge - uneven, slightly undulating along the edge, like the ocean in a storm. It rises steadily and returns downwards. It's beautiful. The temperature around the pupil heats up. At first the color becomes a little swampy but with an admixture of yellow so transparent that thin veins are visible if you look closely and then it shimmers into ochre, at the pupil itself, at the blackest point. There's this tiny yellow sea overflowing. You said that when the pupil dilates, this yellow ring expands too. Just imagine how the obsidian sea expands in diameter for a few seconds, so that the yellow stripe touches the dark emerald one, and then narrows again, abruptly, like a frightened animal. Yes. All this is framed by eyelashes, I looked closely, they are located amazingly… Right. Ten along the edge, six at the corners and a little further, eight in the middle. I imagined you blinking and I started crying.       I have to be in the center. Me. You go with them. You are their soul. There are no two souls in a company. You ousted me and made me hate you, but at the same time I'm ready to throw myself at anyone who lays eyes on you. That's probably why I dislike him so much. You've deprived me of your attention, and no matter how hard I try, and I'm already walking on the edge of your patience, it's certainly not going to be easy to get it back. And I need it. You were initially attracted to me and I was attracted to you.       You're so much better than me. Yes, you don't eat licorice, you drink tea with five teaspoons of sugar, which is just creepy, and you're too friendly. But that doesn't change the facts. Dali and Van Gogh fade before you. You're too bright, too sharp, too surreal. I envy you that.       I'm mediocre, that's what they tell me. That's probably true. I hate you and I adore you. You traded me away, then you brought me back, and you're going to throw me away again. I'm confused.       This is my place. Pay attention to me. I beg. I adore you, I adore you with all my heart, and you disgust me just as much. You played around and threw it away. Fuck you. You're hurting me.       You're the soul of the company, I'm lonely. I don't know how to be jealous love. Stay here. But why is he you and not me? Why aren't you jealous? I like it when… Don't play with me. I need you. Don't touch me. I'm not jealous.

2024.