For you

I started seeing him everywhere lately. It was lonely without Xavier. I could always rely on myself, but with him I became weaker. I could spend one other solitary evening, but with him it was better. It became an addiction. But I couldn't see a hint of reciprocity. There would definitely be someone who would become his girlfriend, but it wouldn't be me. There would be someone he would love, and it wouldn't be me again, but someone else. Sometimes I noticed how he looked at me a little longer than usual. Or had difficulty finding words when I looked at him in response. But that was all. Xavier was too closed. I couldn't even guess his intentions. We would be together from time to time, and then he would disappear again, leaving me guessing and confused. I just wanted him a little more. It was no longer possible to concentrate on everyday affairs or work, as before. Especially considering the fact that our work brought us into contact with each other. As a rule, we didn't talk much at work and tried to keep things formal. On one of the recent missions, I almost died. He came to the rescue in time. And since then, I have become even more dependent. And then Xavier disappeared for a few days. I tried not to think about it, but it was a poor effort. I couldn't find out where he was either: he wasn't on the official Hunters' list. I had to while away the evenings in languid anticipation. But this morning, as usual, he called me. His sleepy, hoarse voice instantly cheered me up after a restless sleep, in which, like in many others lately, there was only him. - Oh, you showed up after so many days. - Let's talk about this later? His voice became more serious. And I had to change the subject. - Xavier, how is it possible that you woke up before me? - I, to be honest, didn't want to wake up so early. But I won't be there tonight, and I want to see you now. - For some reason, time with you has become a luxury. Should I be happy? I heard him smile. - Yes. It seems you have a privilege. - Give me some time. I'll be there in ten minutes. Would you like anything? - No. I've already prepared breakfast for you. I heard him smile again and felt the warmth I was missing. Xavier's house was bright and clean. He prepared for my every visit with special care and attention. The fresh autumn air permeated the entire cozy living room. Xavier made coffee for both of us. With what pleasure he did it, as if investing himself. I carefully watched his every move and was unable to tear myself away. After all, I could just come a little closer, under the pretext of taking something from that top shelf. And then, overcome with emotion, hug him tightly. But he wouldn't understand. Lately I had begun to feel the urgent need to find strange excuses to touch him or talk to him about something intimate. But he was unattainable. I couldn't hear what he was saying when we were sitting at the small kitchen table: my gaze was glued to his lips and looking somewhere through him. But after a while he noticed it. Even though he tried to pretend he didn't notice. - Did something happen? His voice softened. - Not at all. I quickly perked up and felt my face gradually turning red, I couldn't control it. I felt like I was caught off guard and there was no point in trying to deny it. Xavier was staring at me with an intense gaze. It made me feel uneasy and I stood up to open the window wider and let in more cold air, hiding myself and my emotions in the soft, silky fabric of the white curtains. It was getting harder and harder to control myself. I thought about him at night, I thought about him on missions, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about him. It was like he could read my mind and see right through my intentions and feelings. But he didn't really care. It was like he was somewhere else. Or he might have thought I was being frivolous or shameless. I don't know. Suddenly, I heard quiet footsteps behind me. The sounds of the noisy street were louder, and I couldn't figure out the direction until I felt hot palms on my shoulders. Without a word, they turned me right to face the confused face. - Please tell me. He asked softly, hope in his voice. - What to say? I switched to a whisper, looking awkwardly straight at him. - Tell me, what's bothering you? I feel like something strange is happening to you. Xavier's gaze became a little upset. - Did I offend you in some way? His palms moved lower down my shoulders, and his voice trembled treacherously. Unable to contain myself and realizing that I would give in in a matter of seconds, I went to the bathroom, shouting that I would be back soon. The icy water calmed my face a little and calmed my emotions. There was nothing about Xavier that suggested he loved me. It was useless. I could only torment myself with the rare time spent together, but nothing more. I can't say exactly when it started. But one day I just realized that I didn't feel right without him. And yet I didn't see any prospect of a happy future with him. No one could understand him, except perhaps himself. I just didn't have a chance. We had been watching the movie he had chosen for over an hour, occasionally exchanging impressions. He was lying in my arms, and I was stroking his light, rough hair, which smelled so nice. I wanted to cuddle up to him and breathe in as deeply as possible. Sometimes he laughed, and I laughed with him. Sometimes he stroked my hands. I felt incredibly calm and cozy with him. I wanted to lose myself in him completely. I fell in love to the point of horror, to the point of losing my mind. - I really liked the photos you sent me yesterday. As if interrupting the conversation in the middle, Xavier said. - Really? - Mm, yes. And photos of your family. You look very cute in them. For a few seconds I was speechless and so I didn't answer. I wanted to continue the dialogue somehow. To hooked to him, but all my desperate attempts were never crowned with success. Xavier and I didn't have those long, heartfelt conversations that I dreamed of. Without thinking twice, I decided to ask. - Maybe you also have a photo from your childhood, Xavier? He looked embarrassed for a few seconds and turned away. - I don't think I can share anything with you. I felt a wild attack of resentment. Why so suddenly? Although I understood that it was a bit unfounded, it was extremely unpleasant to hear. - Why? I would be interested. I tried to be tactful, asking carefully. Xavier sighed heavily and stood up under the pretext of pouring himself some more coffee. Unable to bear such frustration, I stood up after him. It seemed that the abyss between us that had appeared out of nowhere had become immense. And to be honest, our relationship had never been simple and transparent. Each time something was not enough. Each time there was a feeling that I was running as fast as I could, but I could not catch up with him, and he was only moving further away. - Does this mean I don't deserve to be a part of your life? I said it a little louder than I expected. - Not at all. Xavier turned to me and gave me the semblance of a smile. It made me even more angry. Again, this pretense. I deserved to understand Xavier, given the level of our relationship, he could be more honest with me. - This is who you are! You always evade the question and don't want to answer my questions directly. Anger began to take over me, all the hidden and unspoken emotions poured out uncontrollably. - I understand your desire, but there is something that I cannot share with you and you will have to accept it, because... - Tell me honestly, Xavier, what is your goal? Why can't you say anything concrete, but speak in riddles. I just can't understand you... My hands dropped from hopelessness. - Don't you do the same thing? His voice became much colder, and it was difficult to remain calm under his heavy gaze. I looked away in shame, feeling like I was losing. But I didn’t want this victory anymore. I didn’t want anything anymore. - I don't slip away from you and disappear at the first opportunity, leaving you alone without an answer. The tears were about to give me up, but I held on with all my might. I wanted to confess everything to Xavier just as much as I didn't want him to know. I was dying every day from this internal struggle and I hated him. Right now I made a difficult decision for myself. Without seeing the reciprocity of his feelings, it was much easier to end everything as soon as possible and not torment myself until it was too late. - I hate you and the day you appeared in my life, and I don’t want to see you anymore. I realized the full horror of my words before I said them, but it was too late. I quickly rushed to the exit cursing myself and this morning. He calmly left me. - No need to write to me or try to contact me. Please, disappear from my life and do not torment me anymore, Xavier. After that, I could no longer control myself, saying the last few words in a trembling voice. When I got home and calmed down a bit, I realized that he tried to stop me and calm me down, but I just waved him off. The first thing I did was check my phone. Empty. Xavier was last online when he called me this morning. I hated myself, but I knew it was for the best. I chose myself and my happiness, even if I had to go through this horror. A day passed. He still hadn't shown up. I went outside to look at his windows. No one was home. I remembered him saying he was going to leave. I picked up my phone again and again. And then I realized: will it always be like this? I don't need this. Having left my phone, I decided to leave home for a day so as not to be distracted. I could just take a longer walk, or stay late at work. But… Maybe in a day he will go online and want to contact me? My words about how I hated Xavier were getting worse, and I hated myself for it. But if I had gotten involved with him… These days were endless hell. He doesn't love me and he doesn't need my love. Standing by his windows a day later, I realized: he never showed up. It was scary to pick up the phone. But it was unavoidable. Empty. He never showed up. Xavier had been gone for five days. And only by that time I finally admitted to myself that I should apologize and admit that our relationship was no longer possible. Writing all this in some stupid message would be disgusting. I needed to confess in person. All that was left was to gather up the courage. Out of desperation that there was no way to contact him, and to become somehow closer, I went to him. But what did I hope for? Two knocks, and again, and in response, silence. Of course, he was not there. There was nothing to do but go back to my place and wait. Maybe a few more days, or weeks. What if he never came back? What if my words had destroyed him and he saw no point in staying in this place? The room was dark. Only the dim light from the hallway illuminated a small part of it. I sat down in a lump on the huge sofa, wrapping myself in a soft blanket to somehow calm down. My gaze stopped on the landline phone. Everyone in our building had one, but few used it, due to lack of need. I took the cold receiver in my hands and put it to my hot cheeks, twisted it, examining it carefully. I dialed the right number. I was scared: what if someone answers? But the silence calmed me down. After a dozen beeps without an answer, the annoying signal of the answering machine went off. I was silent for about a minute. But unexpectedly for myself, although for my own peace of mind, I spoke. He should not have heard this. But most likely he will not come back again. These are the words that I carried inside me all these days. - Xavier, I will never forgive myself for what you heard that morning. You know, it’s not true… That day when I first saw you, it was… probably one of the best in my life. Because I, actually, love you… Forgive me, I shouldn’t control you. It was out of desperation, perhaps. I want to understand you, and know… Just… tell me, if you’re indifferent to me, please say it. I like you, Xavier. And I would like to be with you and become a part of your life. I talked and talked without stopping, and then I was silent into the receiver for another minute, collecting my thoughts, but I realized that this was probably all I wanted to say. All that was left was to hang up. Yes, to drop it. So he wouldn't hear it. I just wanted to say it out loud, just once. But my finger trembled as I pressed the familiar button, and it took me a moment to realize that the message had been delivered right away. - What. I stared at the small screen in horror and disbelief. The message had been delivered. I jumped up from the couch as if scalded with boiling water. The warmth left my face instantly, and my hands went cold. - No. I tried to calm myself down. - He's not home, is he? He couldn't have returned in that time. Okay. Easy. I just need to get to his house and delete this message before he has a chance to hear it. But how do I know he's back? Should I guard the windows? Or sit by the door and wait for him to return? Or report a missing person to the police to raise the alarm? But perhaps the most logical solution to this situation was to call. I decided to check again to see if he had appeared online, just in case. No. With great effort, I forced myself to call him. It seemed as if I would die if I heard his voice, and I lived each beep with bated breath. But no one answered. Out of desperation, all I could do was just go to his door and sit on the cold floor, staring at the lamp around which the moth was beating. Anxiety enveloped me from head to toe, but I was able to feel somehow alive for a short time. I was distracted for a second by the sharp and chaotic movements of the moth. Ironically, my state inside was absolutely the same. No matter how much I beat, it was all in vain. A minute passed, two, ten. I decided that I would stay another ten minutes. It was well past midnight and I really wanted to sleep. Another five minutes, and I would definitely leave, but for now I would lean against the cold wall. And I would wait. For who knows what and who knows who. But suddenly my body shuddered. It managed to get scared and react faster than I did. The door opened. Xavier! I stood up immediately, first of all looking into his eyes. His broken face showed everything from confusion and surprise to complete despair. His face was burning. He did not take his eyes off me and was breathing heavily, as if he had been running to this door. I covered my face with my hands. - No. Anything but that... - You shouldn't have... Xavier didn't give me another chance to utter a sound. His hands grabbed my face and pulled me towards him. I could only watch, dumbfounded, as to what he was going to do next. His lips were rough and hot. He kissed me harder, not giving me a chance to come to my senses, taking me deeper and deeper. When there was very little air left, I gently pushed him away. - Xavier... What are you doing? He hesitated for a second. Then he looked straight into my eyes. - I knew everything. Everything you said, I knew it all. I… His words began to blur. It can't be. You never gave me a second to understand that. Damn it! Why couldn't you confess right away? I calmed my emotions and collected my thoughts. But the wildest embarrassment did not allow me to do this until the very end. - Xavier... I want to ask you again. Forgive me. He frowned slightly. - Just please don't disappear again. Xavier didn't answer me. He came a little closer to hug me and kiss me softly on the forehead. And that was enough. I don’t remember how we parted that evening, but what I will definitely remember is the long conversation on his balcony, until three in the morning. We discussed all the uncertainties that had arisen between us, and then I somehow found myself in my apartment. The bed was soft and cozy, but scared that he had disappeared again, I decided to make sure that everything was okay and quickly picked up the phone. Xavier had been online ten minutes ago, which meant everything was okay. I could sleep peacefully. Our breaths mingled, and his strong arms held my waist. Xavier moaned softly into my lips, making my head spin even more. I tried with all my might to pull that damn black T-shirt off him, my palms wandering over his stomach and chest. Xavier pulled me into the kiss even harder. His breathing became convulsive as I dug my nails into his neck and quickened my pace. - Please... more... He repeated it louder and louder. His long fingers grabbed my breast roughly, squeezing it. But suddenly his face became distant. What happened? - You need to wake up. He said it completely calmly. And then I jerked with all my might. The sun blinded my face. Looking at the clock, I saw - 12:07. I got out of bed with difficulty. The feeling was disgusting. I decided to go to the kitchen to drink cold water and come to my senses. And I stood in silence with a transparent glass for about five minutes until I heard a short signal. Some message came. Checking my phone, I saw that Xavier had written to me. Suddenly, I remembered the most vivid moments of that crazy dream. Something in my stomach suddenly torn apart several times, and the glass almost fell out of my hands. - And what was that? Unexpectedly for myself, I asked out loud. My heart was beating unusually fast. I saw this all night, it's crazy. How could my brain even come up with this? In horror, I felt my face and body with my hands. Is it because of yesterday? It was our first kiss. And I don't think I can forget it now and that our relationship will remain the same. What should we do now? Xavier said good morning as if nothing had happened. I said the same. - Xavier, about yesterday... He typed for a treacherously long time, making me go crazy. - We'll discuss this later. - But at least say something. I beg you. I didn't expect such assertiveness from myself, but I wanted to bring at least some clarity, and not be satisfied with guesses. He typed even longer, mocking me. - I want to be with you and I want to see you again today. These words were enough for me. It seemed that I was beginning to understand Xavier, after our long conversation. But remembering tonight, it was clear that I needed to calm my mind and be alone for a while. - I can see you tomorrow. Do you mind? - Certainly. I didn't know how to look Xavier in the eye now. I wondered if he felt the same or if he didn't care. One thing was clear: there was nothing left of the old us. What was it like to be his girlfriend? Or were we not a couple? Somehow, everything depended on him again. That day has come. I can't say it's gotten any easier, on the contrary, it's only more confusing. I'll just come to visit him and conduct things as usual. If, of course, I can do it. I wonder if he's also tormented like this now? I knocked gently on the door three times. He opened it carefully, remaining somewhere in the shadows of the room. His eyes looked away, embarrassed. - Hello. - Hello, Xavier. I could feel his tension all over my body and I could see how hard he was trying not to look into my eyes. - What to say next? This wasn't a problem before. I looked around, trying to come to my senses a little. Strangely, his apartment was in complete chaos. The open window fluttered the curtains anxiously, letting in an icy wind. I hugged myself. Some of his personal belongings were scattered everywhere. And Xavier himself was slightly confused, as was I, for that matter. - I tried to prepare something for you and me. He scratched his head in confusion and pointed to the huge pile of dishes in the kitchen. - Yes, I noticed that you "tried". The tension between us eased a little when I laughed. - Let me try to fix this. Show me what you have left. - Which I haven't managed to ruin yet, right? Xavier came closer, saying this in a slightly muffled voice. And I tensed up again. Seeing this, he promised to leave me alone for a while and let me collect my thoughts. - I'll set up the console for now. - Y-yes, okay... For the next thirty minutes, Xavier didn't say a word or look in my direction once. During that time, I tried to think of something for us to eat from the food he had. Subconsciously, I knew he was tense, and so was I. I hesitantly sat down on the couch next to him. Xavier smiled and handed me the joystick. But I still couldn't concentrate on the game. The embarrassment grew stronger. Periodically, the smell of his shower gel reached my face. It was incredibly exciting. Luckily for me, Xavier was silent, otherwise I would have immediately found myself in an awkward situation. We didn't talk to each other. I just glanced at him sometimes, and I think he noticed it. - M? What's happened?? He asked softly, not taking his eyes off the screen. - I forgot what the combination is. - It's not hard to guess. Xavier chuckled and grabbed my hands with his own, showing me where to press. Damn, his scent made my head spin a little. For some reason, he was breathing with difficulty, but I didn't notice it until I was completely focused on my condition. Sometimes we would bump elbows or accidentally make eye contact, but we both continued to pretend that nothing was happening. I glanced briefly and, it seemed to me, unnoticeably at the way he nervously bit his lower lip, and a bright flash of memory from that evening appeared in my head. We never discussed anything. I just realized that he liked me too. But why wasn’t he doing anything? Xavier just continued to torment me. It had long since gotten dark outside. Small floor lamps barely illuminated the room with a warm and soft light. I relaxed for a moment. Another round ended and Xavier suggested drinking coffee, yawning lazily. - Are you tired? I think it's time for me to go. - No, w-wait. Xavier's voice failed him, barely faltering. - I was having nightmares, I think. And I just didn't sleep well... He awkwardly scratched the back of his head again, looking somewhere to the side. - Understood. Taking the joystick from me, he decided to ask. - What did you dream about? I pretended to be lost in thought to hide my embarrassment. Frankly, I can't remember the last time my dreams were as calm as they were before. - It's like you and I were on a mission, nothing significant. Xavier smiled slyly, but continued to stare at the screen, setting up the game for the next round. - So, "nothing significant"? I barely stumbled. - Y-yes. Without thinking twice, he asked completely calmly. - And do you often see me in your dreams? I was always amazed by how Xavier was able to see right through me and there was no point in hiding anything from him, the only thing left was to give in. And I answered decisively. - Yes. - …Even so? Xavier turned towards me and seeing my burning face, he approached it and put his palm to his forehead. - Why are you so red? You seem to have a fever. out of awkwardness, but decided to answer him. - It turns out that you have the same. Xavier said nothing and just looked away, embarrassed, just like me. I definitely understood what could happen now. And finally, unable to bear it, I boldly asked. - Xavier, kiss me. His gaze darted from my eyes to my lips. He exhaled loudly and asked, smiling slightly. - Do you also think about this all the time? For a few seconds I was surprised. What do you mean "too"? - I was thinking about you. And not just yesterday. But there are a number of reasons... Xavier ran his thumb gently down my cheek, his palm sinking deeper into my hair. - There are reasons why I couldn't tell you this right away. - It seems like we discussed everything that night, but you still have some secrets from me? I answered, a little disappointed, moving away slightly. - I will do everything so that there are no more of them left. Please, do not doubt me. Unable to resist, I ran my hand over his cheek and neck, causing him to feel embarrassed. - Now it's your turn to catch me off guard, right? He tilted his head sweetly and bit his lower lip lightly. I didn’t answer. I just moved closer to his face, unable to hold back, but stopped a few centimeters from his lips. His quickened breath was hot. I just couldn’t believe it was real. Xavier was incredibly sweet. His hands were holding my face. And we teased each other, moving away and getting closer as if this kiss should be the first. But at some point, I just couldn’t hold back and pressed myself to his lips desperately, losing my composure. He carefully touched mine with his tongue, and I moaned softly into his lips. Xavier immediately noticed this and pressed my head even harder. And he deepened the kiss more and more, until it became completely uncontrollable. My hands immediately tried to pull his black sweatshirt off, feverishly and chaotically. - Quiet, quiet... He broke away from my lips and whispered. - Xavier… I practically begged. He smiled softly at this. Only then did I notice how his face was burning. Without thinking, Xavier pulled me closer to him, and I was able to sit on top of him. My palms were gripping the back of the couch, digging my nails into it. Just like that time. His hot and rough palms carefully moved from my face, to my shoulders, chest, stopping softly on it. Then he smoothly ran his hands over my waist, hips and squeezed them roughly. It was so unexpected that I tore myself away from his lips. - Sorry, we should finish. I can't stop. Xavier was breathing hard. But at that moment I wanted to make him even more vulnerable, and I ran my tongue down his neck. - Damn… He arched beneath me even more. - Please... stop... His gaze seemed to be clouded. He was biting his lips convulsively. And then I increased this torture. Xavier began to move slowly and then I felt his arousal. - Do you think we should stop? I asked mockingly. To that he gripped my waist tightly and pulled me down hard, looking straight into my eyes. I sobbed as I inhaled. Without a doubt, Xavier had stopped holding back. In response, I thrust my hips forward and then back a couple of times, causing him to suck in air noisily through his clenched teeth. He continued moving beneath me, and I responded in kind. Xavier's hands moved to my hips again, squeezing them and setting the pace. In contrast to the icy wind that pierced the entire apartment, our bodies seemed insanely hot. Xavier gently grabbed my neck, lowering his palm lower and lower. - Can I…? I nodded meekly, and his hands carefully exposed my chest. Before, it seemed to me that I would experience wild embarrassment, but I trusted Xavier like no one else. He gently caressed my chest, sometimes doing it harder, but he always carefully watched my reaction. Periodically, my hand caressed his, through the fabric of his clothes. I damn well liked seeing him like this, and then I timidly took his palm in mine and bit his thumb, gradually plunging it deeper and deeper. Xavier groaned frantically. - I'll go crazy. His hand smoothly moved to my legs, and rose higher until his long fingers boldly pulled the fabric of my underwear and in a few seconds were already under it. I was nervous. But having felt a couple of movements of his fingers, I immediately relaxed. Xavier immediately noticed this and became more assertive. I myself began to move towards his hand and his fingers gradually sank inside. - F*ck. Unable to bear these feelings, I hugged him by the shoulders and neck. - Please, Xavier... Having completely lost my mind, I completely freed him from his underwear. He was nervous too. My hand moved uncertainly, but seeing his face, I realized that it did not matter. We continued to caress each other, not daring to go further, our heated whispers spread throughout the room. Xavier held back his moans, covering his mouth with his hand. He was unable to look at me. - Xavier, I want you. I whispered uncontrollably. He immediately became as serious as possible. His face showed no emotion. Xavier only gently squeezed my hips and inhaled raggedly when he felt me from inside. I froze, barely breathing and getting used to him. He did not rush me. I began to move slowly and because of this Xavier trembled. To be honest, I don't even remember how it all ended. I woke up around three in the morning because he wasn't sleeping. My body was a little stiff from sleeping on the couch for so long. - M... Xavier... I said sleepily. He turned and immediately rushed towards me, sat down next to me, carefully tightening his robe on my naked body. - I didn't want to wake you up, I'm sorry. Xavier whispered. - Let me carry you to the bed. I think I fell asleep right there in his arms. But for the first time in a long time, I was able to do it peacefully.