Abyss

It was raining the day I first saw You. Billions of transparent drops fell monotonously with a thud on the dry asphalt and, like my soul, shattered like thousands of fragments. My personal little world, which belonged only to me, was turned out and roughly trampled. From the very day my father spat on my mother and me and left us alone without money, and he went to the upper room with some rich foreign woman. It was then that my mother died, it was because of my father's cruelty that she suffered and died in agony, leaving me alone. Friends whom I trusted abandoned me, turned away and only coldly shrugged their shoulders. And then.... Then there's nothing left. Life has lost all meaning, it has ceased to be something important for me that needs to be appreciated. And when someone suddenly appeared to whom I could entrust my fragile, fragile world, he suddenly pushed me away and just began to mock everything that I hold dear, which I was not afraid to reveal to him. That was the last person I believed, I won't make a mistake anymore, not anymore… I stand with my eyes closed and inhale the wet, sticky air. I am separated by some insignificant centimeters from a deep abyss, at the bottom of which boils a stormy city life and which will never take me into its frenzied turn. Gusts of wind rush into my face, completely devastated, I stop feeling like a part of this world. It's strange to me, but I don't feel fear at all, on the contrary, a second and everything will end. My heart is empty and cold. I feel only wet raindrops on my face. They are pleasantly cold and glide quickly over my dry cheeks. I lift the corner of my lip slightly into a kind of pathetic smile and look down sadly, starting to squint. I take a short step and that's it, just a little more and that's it. I tilt my head back, open my arms, and close my eyes. The deafening roar of the heart is getting louder by the minute. For a second, I suddenly felt scared, my whole life flashed before my eyes like a whirlwind. A carefree childhood, sparklers, the dense smell of firecrackers, the first days at school, so terrible and painful, parents quarreling, father leaving, my mother and I leaving yesterday, then her death, the betrayal of those who are dear to me and… I close my eyes with all my strength and try not to think about anything else, forget about everyone I knew - I take a step forward. For a second it seemed to me that I was floating in the air. The wind brightened in my ears, I close my eyes and suddenly I feel someone's strong grip on my sleeve. I open my eyes, everything is bright and blurry, like after a dream. I look up and see you. Your face, agitated and pale, raven-colored hair, thin cheekbones, white bitten lips, you are hanging over the edge of the roof and holding me tightly by the sleeve. It suddenly seems to me that in the darkness that enveloped me, a ray of bright light suddenly flashed. So gentle and unobtrusive that you just want to keep looking at him. I feel a strong jerk and find myself back on this washed-out roof. My knees are shaking, my voice is getting tired, the ground is about to run away from under my feet. You easily pick me up and gently lower yourself to the ground. I'm not taking my eyes off your face. Your face… it's so familiar to me, I think I've seen it before... it seems at school or college, but why didn't I notice you then, but now… I feel like You've always been there for me. Your gaze is worried and deep, looking straight at me, and I feel your hands squeezing me tighter and tighter. - Why did you want to do this... - you exhale softly. It seems to me that your voice is trembling. Are you really scared… But why? What are you so excited about… And you keep whispering: - Don't you understand, stupid... if something happened to you, your family, what would they go through if they found out about it! I shudder and lower my head, thoughtlessly staring at the wet asphalt shining from the bright lanterns. I suddenly feel a deep anger boiling in my heart. But this quickly passes, indifference and a feeling of deep fatigue cover again. - I don't have anyone, and who was the one who didn't give a damn about me. I pronounce these words dully and feel the damn burning tears on my cheeks. But doesn't it hurt when you're abandoned by everyone and no one needs you. "It's not like that," you suddenly say softly and timidly, and then more decisively run your long fingers along my cheek, leaving transparent tracks on them, "I need you, I need you. I freeze. Wasn't it just my imagination? I look up, confused. Your eyes are so big, so bright. He radiates warmth and affection, and it makes my soul feel so good too. I imperceptibly catch your hand and press it to your wet cheek. I feel such a native warmth, which I felt only from my mother. I was holding your hand and I'm already starting to hold back the sobs that are uncontrollably bursting out. And you don't mind. You look at me with a smile, and with your other hand you gently stroke my back. - You're not going to leave me now. Really? I whisper timidly and freeze when your burning palms wrap around my face. You look into my eyes for a long time, as if you're trying to say something. And suddenly, instead of answering, she greedily bit into my lips. I can feel the sweet aftertaste of something fragrant and fresh. It was like a wave of sunlight washed over me. I don't break the kiss, I don't pull away in fright, but in response I wrap my arms around you and press my lips to yours, warm and moist. This kiss seemed to breathe life into me, it fills my heart with joy and light, which I needed so much. "Where have you been all this time..." I whisper, pulling away a little. Your gaze becomes sad and sad. "I was with you," you exhale softly and continue after a short silence. - Second grade, remember, the silent, sullen boy in the back, always in the same uniform, and then suddenly the same boy, just grown up in your college, in the same group as yours... But you probably think it's an accident that I've been around you all the time. But I will say no. I followed you wherever you went and was always ready to follow. And I remember. The quiet guy from the back. His gaze, always penetrating and intent, never let me go, and I got used to him, attracted his attention. And it was you. You're like a shadow that I didn't notice, but that always protected me. And I realized, all this time I was looking for the wrong person. I was looking where there was nothing. It's just an illusion, but it turns out that what I needed was very close. – I'm sorry, I'm sorry... – I cling to Your shirt and hide my face wet with tears in your collar. I'm so tired, I don't have the strength to fight anymore, but next to You, I feel no fear, only peaceful calm. I suddenly feel a heavy fatigue that has fallen on my shoulders at once, I want to sleep so much, my heavy eyelids are sticking together. You catch me by my drooping shoulders, pull off my jacket and gently wrap me in it. And then you put it on your shoulder, and I feel my body relax. It's easy for me and, snuggling closer to your chest, I fall asleep. - Now you won't be afraid anymore. – through the veil of sleep I hear your voice, "I'll take you away, and you'll finally be mine."