Curiosity is not a vice

Ask anyone who knows Mario the Plumber, and anyone will tell you that Mario the Plumber is, in general, a good guy, only sometimes he is overly curious, which is why he is subject to other vices. But curiosity, as you know, is not even a vice, which means Mario is a great guy. In fact, Mario doesn’t know many people in these places - it just so happened that after moving from his native land, he didn’t have time to make many friends, and he didn’t want to, if we’re being honest with ourselves. Mario the Plumber has only one best friend - SMG4. He once saved Mario from death by preventing a car from smearing his brains on the asphalt. He then wanted to say hello to the car - well, who doesn’t meet on a drunken business. And now SMG4 and Mario were connected by an invisible, but very strong connection. Being a responsible person, SMG4 tried his best - and is still trying - to make sure that Mario doesn’t continue to be a mischief-maker (Italian spaghetti lovers are like that, you don’t know what to expect). And SMG4, by the way, is aware of exactly how Mario can get into trouble - he knows him too well. Curiosity is not a vice, but you can easily find adventures on your butt with its help. — Hey, G4, - Mario once asks, drinking beer in their favourite bar. Because it was only one bar on this town. - Can I ask you a question? Mario has a strange accent, and when he gets drunk, SMG4 sometimes stops understanding him at all - it feels like he starts saying some kind of abra-kadabra. — Of course, - SMG4 answers, banging the edge of his mug on Mario’s mug. — Any question? — Any question, - SMG4 agrees, expecting another stupidity from Mario. Once he asked if Arthur knew why Elvis Presley had not yet been elevated to the rank of deity, and SMG4 could not find an answer. Ford then said something like: "So we'll write it down. Earthlings have no sense of beauty at all." Then he passed out, putting his head in a cup of salted nuts. One day he asked about roses and crosses. Even though it was too strange for him. However, this time Mario surpasses himself. Again. — What is exhibitionism? - he asks, and SMG4 freezes with his mouth open, without catching the mug to its destination. — Uuuh, - he exhales, lowering the vessel on the table. Mario, on the contrary, looks at him with a drunken questioning look. — Uh, it's such a thing... In general, it's such a sexual perversion... — A perversion? What is perversion? - Mario raises an eyebrow. — Well, not a perversion, but... In general, deviation. — Deviation? What is devotion? — Look in the dictionary, after all! - SMG4 can't stand it. Then he takes a sip and explains: — Some people like to be seen naked. — Well, if you have a beautiful body... Not like a mushrooms, for example. Or... — I have no idea what did you mean by "mushrooms", but it's not about beauty. It's just that some people get excited when someone looks at them naked. The end. Mario nods and thinks, looking down and hypnotising either the table top or something else. SMG4 exhales, hoping that Mario's curiosity will be quieted up and let him finish his beer in peace. According to the law of the genre, he relaxes absolutely in vain, because the next moment Mario asks: — Have you tried it? SMG4 puts the mug on the table with a bang. *Super Mario Glitchy 4, in general, could be called an ordinary average Australian. He loved tea, on weekends he drank a couple of pints of ale or light beer in a bar near the house, worked on the radio and lived in a cottage in the West of Australia. He was called that until one day he saved an unemployed actor named Mario the Plumber from death. Since then, SMG4’s life has ceased to be boring, and he himself has ceased - in a sense - to be average. SMG4 considered Mario himself a great friend, but, what to hide, a little strange: perhaps, SMG4 thought, he somehow fell on his head on the set - well, it doesn't happen to anyone. Or one day they couldn't save him from a collision with a car or some other vehicle, and Mario's brain turned a little in half - it's also quite a logical option, why not. And if SMG4 was inclined to a calm and prosperous life - as long as he had tea at hand, Mario preferred to live cheerfully and forever get into trouble, which he himself called natural research, experiments or simply adventures. SMG4 got used to it quite quickly, and that's why... When, going down from the bedroom to the kitchen early in the morning, SMG4 finds Mario waiting for him at the table - completely naked, except for the hat on his neck. Yes, neck. He is not even very surprised. — Mario. Good morning, - he states, trying not to look where he doesn't actually look. — Hi, G4! - Mario responds cheerfully. — How are you feeling? — Great, - SMG4 answers, and then he is still interested, pointing to Mario’s naked chest: — What is this, huh? — Experiment, - Mario predictably states. Then he grins and asks: — Do you like it? SMG4 rounds his eyes: — Do I like it?! Are you going to go slead?! No, of course, I don't like it! — Why? - Mario wonders. — Yes, because I'm not gay, Mario! So I can't like your body! — Who's gay? — Homosexual. A man who likes other men. Well, from a sexual point of view, SMG4 explains, trying not to be surprised by Mario’s next question, to which, it would seem, anyone should know the answer. — Yeah. With sexual. I got it. And with aesthetics? - he gets up from the chair, showing himself in all his glory, and even spins around himself a couple of times. - Do you like me from an aesthetic point of view? Or should I look something? — Hey, am I one of those antique types who created statues of naked men? Besides, you know, it's like you're going to check yourself for a craving for exhibitionism, and not me for a craving for voyeurism. Mario freezes for a moment, then rushes to the bag lying on the chair, takes out a notebook and a pen and writes down, repeating after himself in syllables: "Voy-e-u-rism". Then he puts the notebook back and asks: — What is this? Another deviation of yours? — Well, yes, when you get excited, watching or peeping at naked people, something like that. Or with some another thing, like rose or crosse. Not that I'm an expert in sexual deviations. — Yeah, so we can check two new values at once! Two new meanings in the morning is great! - then he thinks and adds: — Or even three... Listen, are you sure you don't like me from a sexual point of view? - SMF4 shakes his head, and Mario raises his hands and runs them over his bare chest from top to bottom: — And so? SMG4 wraps his arms around his head and says: — Well, of course, today is October. 31th October! What surprises me... No, Mario, I don't like you from any point of view! Except as a friend... Mario takes a step towards him, and SMG4 realises that his opinion, in fact, no one is interested in anyone anymore - when Mario embarks on the path of enlightenment, nothing can stop him anymore. That's why SMG4 can only step back a couple of steps and say: — I'm about to hit you with a frying pan. The prefect continues to advance until SMG4 rests his back against the wall. — Don't use a frying pan, - says Ford, leaning his hands on both sides of Arthur's head, - I've already conducted such an experiment. I’ll take some roses for you. And in general, SMG4, don't panic. And Mario kisses him on the lips. Not that SMG4 has never been kissed. But a man has definitely never done that. A man whom SMG4 has considered his good friend for several years. A man who, of course, was inclined to commit stupid acts, but from whom SMG4 definitely did not expect such a thing - that a completely stupid experimental kiss would be counted as stupid actions. Thinking about it, SMG4 closes his eyes and tries to figure out what feelings he has. But he doesn't have time to understand anything, because Mario is breaking away from his lips. — Well? - he's interested and looks into SMG4’s face. - And how should it be? — Well... Are you experiencing anything? What you didn't expect? Anything nice? Well, at least something? SMG4 exhales: — Damn, Mario, maybe that's enough? I already told you. I'm not interested in that. — What? - Mario asks in a daily way, untiening the belt of SMG4’s robe and getting his hands under his pyjama shirt. — Is it better that better?? SMG4 feels the Plumber’s warm fingers stroking his stomach, then rising higher to his chest and around his eyes. He clenches his teeth and breathes air through his nose loudly. And the only thing he doesn't understand is why he doesn't get out. After all, he's really not gay, to be honest. Even now, when the bathrobe slowly falls off his shoulders and falls to the floor with a rustle, even now that Ford bends and breathes into his neck. Super Mario Glitchy 4 is still not gay, rest assured. — I think you're still experiencing something, don't you? - Mario whispers in his ear, and SMG4 swallows, and when he lowers his hands and slightly pulls back the elastic of his pyjama hat, SMG4 clearly feels goosebumps running through his body. — Now, right? - Mario responds at the same moment. - Come on, SMG4, don't be distracted, I need accurate data. — Come on, go, - SMG4 answers, tilting his head back against the wall. Mario’s hands are already in his hat, and Ford himself is completely naked. The sun is shining outside the window, birds are singing outside, and they are standing in the kitchen by the wall, and behind their backs hangs a cute landscape drawn by SMG4's aunt three years ago. And Mario, hugs SMG4's stomach, asks: — Well, now? Are you still not gay now?? — Now it's almost, - SMG4 exhales through his teeth and goes forward, gaging the mouth of this fricking naturalist in an ancient and very banal way - kissing and wasping his head with his hands. When SMG4 was tired, Mario just pulls his hand out of his hat and looks testially. — Well? - he wonders. — I... Uh... I don't know what to say in such cases. — Well, you could tell me what you felt. — No, Mario, my dear vampire, I'm sorry, - SMG4 understands that he's blushing, but he can't do anything about himself. — Don't you dare ask. — Oh, - Mario finally notices his embarrassment. -Well... You know, then the "No panic" option will suit you much more. And I'm sorry, I urgently need to write everything down. Mario dresses at the speed of light and, grabbing a notebook and a pen, goes to the door, writing down on the go and constantly repeating something about homosexuality, voyeurism and exhibitionism. SMG4 looks at him in a daze, scratching the back of his head. And Mario suddenly turns around, freezes and says thoughtfully: — You know, sometimes I'm even glad that I'm stuck here for so long. You, local, incredibly funny creatures! And he runs away, slamming the door loudly. SMG4 sits down at the table and, grabbing a mug of already cooled tea, tries to forget everything that happened this morning. For some reason, it seems to him that Mario the Plumber hardly attached importance to the incident. And also trying to understand how, in fact, SMG4 and his neighbours are so different from the residents of Australia, since Mario constantly emphasises it. But needless to say, all his attempts to understand the situation lead to nothing...