Ab aeterno

“And you are doing this… why?” Avery looked at Tom with visible unease. He admired Tom, as many others did, and he would always seek his approval, but he also knew well enough how easy it was to become the target of one’s jokes. And once being singled out as a target… it would be almost impossible to get rid of this position. Perhaps, only Tom could make that happen, clear him and make others stop, but Avery had known Tom for some time already and suspected he wouldn’t be very interested in helping him out. “Well… it’s two days till St.Valentine’s. And I thought…” “You thought of sending a card,” there was cold amusement in Tom’s eyes. “I didn’t know you were such a romantic, Avery.” The boy shrugged trying to look as casual and easy about the whole situation as possible and silently thanked Merlin that there were only two of them in this corner of the library. Should this conversation happen in the Slytherin common room, the teasing would have already started. It was always easy for others to fall on someone, even one of their gang, if that meant to entertain Tom. Sometimes Avery hated the whole gang. Sometimes he hated Tom as well. Just a little bit, because Tom was good-looking - handsome - and tall, and smart, and everybody liked him, and cared for what he had to say. And Avery did as well, even though there were times when he wished he would not. “What’s her name, Avery?” Tom marked the place in the book he was reading with a piece of parchment, and that meant he wasn't going to let Avery laugh the whole situation off. “You can tell me. You know, I don’t give away secrets.” Tom was cunning and as curious as a cat. He loved secrets. Nobody from their house knew as many of them as Tom did. Even professor Slughorn would joke about the fact that Tom always knew everything even before some of the teachers. “I would rather not… if that’s okay, Tom.” “Don’t you trust me?” Avery cast a dreary glance at the book Tom was reading. Nature's Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy. Avery couldn’t think of a book more boring than this one. “I do, you know that, Tom. You know everything,” there was a slight note of defeat in his voice, and it must have been enough, because Tom shrugged his shoulders and that terribly beautiful smile faded. Avery relaxed a little. Tom knew a lot, but not everything-everything. That was a relief, really. “It’s just… I’m a little bit ashamed.” Tom’s eyes narrowed, and Avery thought of a cat watching a bird. The cat wasn’t hungry or ready to play right now, but the bird was entertaining and nice to look at. Tom looked pleased, and it was easy to know why… because Avery willingly made himself vulnerable by admitting that he felt ashamed. “You shouldn’t be… unless there’s a real reason to be?” “No, no… I don’t think there is,” the last thing Avery wanted was Tom to think he had a crush on a mudblood or something. There was a moment of silence which to Avery felt very awkward and very long, and finally he continued speaking: “I just… found a verse that I liked… ‘twas well-written. And since it’s St. Valentine’s anyway… you know.” Tom didn’t know, Avery could clearly see that, but there was no turning back. “What about you, Tom? Are you…” he looked at long fingers caressing the cover of that old and boring book carelessly and had a terrible suspicion that Tom actually knew… the feeling passed. “... going to send cards to anyone? At least, just for fun.” “I had no intention to, really.” “How come? No one caught your fancy?” Tom gave him a strange look but said nothing. “You don’t have to answer, of course…” “It’s not that. I mean… sending cards feels a little bit pointless, doesn’t it? You are not supposed to sign it. Imagine sending a card. A really good one. And the person who gets it thinks that someone else sent it. You end up with nothing, and your time wasted.” “Yeah, that’s not something I’d… anyone would enjoy, isn’t it,” wow, Avery thought, they were actually talking. Tom was difficult to talk to because he was so seldom alone. There were always others nearby, and Avery was one of them. You don’t talk with Tom in a group. In a group you listen to him. “But still… this anonymity gives you a chance to declare your love… or your fancy… without the risk of being exposed. So that if the person who gets the card doesn’t feel this way about you… you are safe. A little bit sad, yes, but safe.” “You still get nothing.” “You get the satisfaction of saying what you want to say anyway…” Avery shrugged his shoulders unwittingly trying to copy the ease of the very same gesture Tom would sometimes demonstrate. “You have the last word.” “Oh… so, that’s mostly about control, then.” Avery thought about that, utterly bewildered by the way Tom interpreted his words. Tom was smart. Tom was the best student of their year and, maybe, in the whole school. And yet… He didn’t really feel Tom understood him. “What’s the verse that you liked? Show me,” suddenly said Tom, and the last two words were not a request. “You won’t get my handwriting… you know how messy it can be,” he mumbled, and thanked Merlin for this conversation. He didn’t even think about the fact that the handwriting could give him away. “Let me read it to you.” Tom didn’t protest, and Avery spoke quietly, his eyes never leaving the card: What is your substance, whereof are you made, That millions of strange shadows on you tend? Since every one hath, every one, one shade, And you, but one, can every shadow lend… In all external grace you have some part, But you like none, none you, for constant heart. He stopped, suddenly out of breath, and Tom nodded. “Not bad. Not bad at all. What was that?” “Shakespeare. But shortened” “Oh… he was a muggle, wasn’t he?” “I really don’t know,” Avery replied sincerely. “Do you like the verse?” “I’m not a romantic like you, Avery. And don’t get poetry,” Tom opened his book again, seeming to lose his interest in the whole deal. “But that one… I liked. It was good.” “Good.” “You send it.” “Okay.” He didn’t.