The lie won't become the truth

Ai felt like she was falling asleep again. A sleep from which she would never wake up. Is this all that will happen after death? Will I be enveloped in this darkness for the rest of eternity? It's cold… Dark… Quiet… Lonely… «I thought Hell was a hot place, covered in flames and shrouded in the screams of sinners being tormented and tortured by demons… I thought Heaven was a beautiful, calm, lovely place, with an entrance made of gold and soft clouds floating around… But this doesn't look like either Heaven or Hell… Where am I? Is this how it's supposed to be? Could it be that my soul has become so rotten from lies that I've forced the devil to create a personal Hell for me?» Her soul was tossing and turning, looking around for something, someone… It was useless. No matter how much time Ai searched for a miracle, she found nothing, the same darkness that she could see in life, with her eyelids lowered. Her soul was overcome with fear that, apparently, the cold, loneliness and darkness would envelop her forever. Then the fear was replaced by missing Ruby and Aqua… Ai realized she wanted to say those words again and again… Bitterness set in. She became so sad she would never see her children again, the only persons she truly loved, truly. It was unclear how much time had passed. It seemed to her she had been here for a day or a week, and at the same time it seemed that she had only been here for a moment. The bitterness that tormented Ai was replaced by despair and some resignation… «This must be a fair punishment for a liar… For all that false love, for all those false words I said, for all those songs, dances, oaths and promises…» Hopelessness. Despair. Longing. Bitterness. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Emotions and feelings changed one after another, mixing, destroying Ai from the inside. She lost track of time, but it seemed to her that enough had passed for her mind, or what was left of it, to begin to go crazy. «Aqua… Ruby… Mom wants to be near… Mom loves you…» Ai began to remember what kind of mother she had been to them, and she wanted to cry from the agony of regret. Miyako walked with them, raised them, replaced Ai, their mother… Aqua and Ruby had many photos, but the least of them was with Ai… She wanted to howl, but she couldn't. — «Sorry for the wait», — a little girl's voice was heard nearby. Her voice could be described as high-pitched, but mysterious and somewhat ominous. Ai's soul immediately looked back in the direction from which she thought the voice came. However, there was no one there. Maybe because it was dark, she couldn't see? However, when she listened, she only heard her own breathing… And disappointment washed over her with even greater force… She bent her knees and pressed them to her face, clasping them with her hands. Tears began to drip from her eyes, but they were not heard. She had to learn to cry silently, so that no one could notice her weakness. No sobs, no sighs, no curses — absolute silence. One day, after a fight with Nino, Ai felt so bad that she wanted to cry. Ai couldn't break down in front of Nino, but as soon as she left, Ai ran into the toilet and quietly fell apart… After which she had to collect herself piece by piece, because no one wanted to see her weakness, her tears… No one wanted to see Ai, everyone preferred to see «Invincible, indomitable, unrivaled, bright and sweet Ai.» «And why am I remembering this now.?» — «Maybe you're clinging to life?» — the same creepy girlish voice whispered. Ai didn't feel her breathing, or her steps, absolutely nothing. Ai immediately jerked in surprise and turned towards the voice, after which a mysterious figure appeared before her eyes. A small girl, maybe seven or ten years old, with long gray hair, gray eyes, pale skin, and a black dress with a white collar. This girl looked at Ai with a smirk, although it was unknown why. There was no warm steam coming from her mouth or nose, and this made her feel creepy. Was she even breathing? Ai could feel the faint warmth on her skin from her own breath, but not from the girl's breath. Cold sweat began to appear on Ai's forehead, running down her nose and temples and down her face. This girl seemed to emanate a mysterious, creepy, and frightening aura, without any hint of hope. Pure despair and resignation. Gulping, Ai gathered her strength and suppressed her fear. Her stomach and heart were clenching, she felt it. Twitching her lips slightly, she asked: «Could it be that you, too…» — «Dead?» — the girl continued, after which she brought her palm to her dry, thin lips and let out a quiet laugh. — «Not at all.» The girl's answer made Ai's hair stand on end. If this girl wasn't another dead person, then… Who… What is this? Who could be here besides the dead souls? With each passing moment, the fear raged inside her more and more. Could this girl really be a demon who had come for her soul? With eyes wide open in fear, Ai looked at the girl, perplexed, but expecting something from her. Usually, when people feel fear, they either hit, or run… Or just freeze, which is what happened to Ai. The girl who was watching her from the side seemed to be upset and let out a quiet sigh, closing her eyes. Opening them again, she bent down, bringing her face as close as possible to Ai's, but even so, Ai did not feel her breath, as if the girl was not breathing at all. At the moment when what seemed to be a heart threatened to jump out of Ai's chest, the girl said in a monotonous and emotionless voice: — «Tsukuyomi.» From surprise, all fear left Ai's soul for a moment, and she looked at the girl in bewilderment. Getting rid of the lump in her throat, she whispered in a trembling voice: «What..?» The girl rolled her eyes, after which she let out another, heavier sigh… which Ai still did not feel. Moving away from Ai's face, but still looking into her eyes, she repeated: — «Tsukuyomi…» After waiting for a while, the girl did not see any changes in Ai's face, so she frowned and was forced to explain: — «That's how they call me… Usually…» Again, Hoshino tensed up. Although Tsukuyomi began to behave more accommodatingly, she certainly had not won Ai's trust. She began to get paranoid, thinking that the demon was simply trying to be more human, to weaken her vigilance and punish her for her sins. However, she felt something inside… Some kind of inconsistency that confused her. «Tsukuyomi… Who are you?» — «It would be more correct to ask: ‘What am I? ’ I am an entity that helps souls, both born and dead, find their place.» Ai looked at Tsukuyomi with even more confusion, but less fear. If she was telling the truth, then that meant that if she was going to receive punishment, it would definitely not be now, and definitely not from her. She sighed in relief and began to think about what was happening. «Indeed… I am now the soul of a deceased person… Therefore, this entity should help me find my place… Its presence is conditional.» — «It must have been boring to be here alone for so long?» — Tsukuyomi asked indifferently, to which Ai only nodded timidly. Looking at Ai once more, Tsukuyomi sat down opposite her and asked the question she asked every soul she had ever accompanied: — «What did you live for?» There was not an ounce of curiosity or sincerity in Tsukuyomi's voice. It's understandable, she already knows everything: how Ai grew up, what she was looking for, who her children are, who her children were in her past life, how she died and… who killed her. Hoshino gradually began to relax her guard, seeing that Tsukuyomi was showing interest in her, even if it was not sincere. She was lost in thought, because even if the answer to this question was not interesting to Tsukuyomi, it became interesting to her. Why did she run away from the orphanage? Why did she become an idol? Why did she sing and dance? Why did she lie, pretend, act? Why did she start dating Hikaru, despite the fact that it is dangerous for idols to start relationships? Why did she become a mother? Ai slightly parted her lips, preparing to answer something, but closed them again, searching for the right words. She hesitantly looked away, but then opened her eyes wider, as if realizing something. «I lived for… love…» A look of shock crossed her face, as if surprised that her entire life, twenty years long, could be summed up in those four words. «I spent my life searching for love… Wanting to love… Wanting to be loved.» And again, she chuckled, surprised at her own conclusion. However, her face instantly darkened as she remembered what had happened and where she was now. Ai’s voice grew quieter as she sadly continued, «But… I’ve said that I love you so many times, and only once was it true… I’ve been told that I’m loved so many times, but I know that it wasn’t me that was loved…» Tsukuyomi watched Hoshino silently, placing her hand on her chin, occasionally tapping her cheek with her finger. Her face softened a little as she listened to the person sitting in front of her, but she didn’t say a word. And so, frowning, listening to the words, she said: — «Have you had problems with love?» Hoshino looked at the gray-haired girl and nodded disappointedly. Ai looked away, her expression was quite depressed, and her gaze was sad, expressing unspoken pain. The girl in the black dress smiled slightly at another soul with a broken life, of which there were many, and, sighing, as if before some statement, began to speak: — «Sigmund Freud claimed that someone who does not love himself cannot love anyone. However, have you ever thought about who teaches a person to love himself?» Ai looked at Tsukuyomi, perplexed by her words. She did not expect the conversation to begin to develop in such a direction. She expected something like a trial, during which it would be decided where her soul would go: hell, heaven, or purgatory. However, the conversation turned to topics completely unfamiliar to Ai… Who is Sigmund Freud? Why should his statement be taken into account at all? Such confused questions occupied her mind for only a moment before she listened to the essence of it. — «If love for others begins with me, then where does my love for me begin?» Ai muttered to herself, puzzled. Such a strange and unfamiliar question stumped her. It seemed there is some logic, some consistency in the questions. However, she could not grasp the thread that would pull the remaining puzzle pieces together, the answer. Tsukuyomi, hearing her muttering, only grinned, and seeing her puzzled face, she grinned wider. It was a little pleasant to look at a simple person who did not know the answer to such a simple question, for Tsukuyomi. Smiling and deciding that today she was merciful and would not torment Ai, she whispered: — «…With the parents.» And then, Ai was struck by an epiphany. There was logic in these words, but she did not understand what kind. But her face, bright with enlightenment, instantly darkened when she recalled bitter memories… «Dad was considered missing… Mom's boyfriend was looking at me, although I was only eight years old… And Mom was jealous and beat me… I'm not even mentioning the fact that she didn't come back for me from the orphanage when she got out of prison…» Hoshino sat and looked down dispassionately, as if she had completely lost the will to live. She didn't cry. She didn't really love her mother, nor her boyfriend, nor her father, whom she had never seen, so they didn't evoke any special feelings other than a bad mood. — «Have you ever thought about how your life could have turned out if your family had been different?» This question caused a dim light to flash in Ai's eyes, albeit for a moment. A faint curiosity appeared in her, because… it was indeed interesting. However, she didn't have a strong desire to find out what would have happened, because she didn't have the opportunity to do so. And why would she? Her life had already ended… It's the end… «I thought about it. Of course I thought about it. Looking at parents and children in the park, seeing their photos on the Internet, seeing happy families in movies and TV shows… I always found myself thinking that this was unfamiliar to me, but I began to envy.» Ai replied, her eyes darkening. Envy was not an emotion she could show. Idols were pure, innocent, and pure — that was how Ai should be. But, secretly from everyone, she felt emotions, but not for long. Eventually, she learned to suppress them, and soon lost them altogether, which is why she was soon forced to act them out. The girl in the black dress looked at Ai, then grinned again. She stood up, sighed, and extended her hand to Ai. — «If you had a second chance at life… In a normal family… Would you take it?» Another good question. Ai bit her lip and thought about the answer. Although she had experienced what it was like to feel parental feelings, love towards her children, she still didn’t know what it was like to be in the place of a child. And… she wasn’t ready to accept the fact that she was separated from her children. If she returned to the world, she would be able to meet them again. Even if it might mean flying halfway around the world or even the whole world, she wanted to see her children again. It was no longer so important to her to feel her parents’ love for her, but to see her children again. Hoshino sighed softly, looked at Tsukuyomi and nodded slowly. «I think so. However… only if Ruby and Aqua are by my side.» Tsukuyomi raised an eyebrow and smirked. She had expected this answer. After all, a loving mother would never want to abandon her children… Ai would never do the same to her children as her mother did to her, no way. However, Tsukuyomi had one more question she decided not to ask: «How do you imagine this?» Looking to the side, a sigh escaped her lips, after which she declared: — «You know, I'm not human, but I also get bored sometimes. I would like to see your life from the outside. That's why I want to give you a second chance. I won't be bored, and you will get the opportunity to live a new, different life. What do you think about this?» Tsukuyomi's tone was dark, mysterious and ominous, as if she was holding back some important detail, a terrifying detail. She looked into the eyes of the dead girl, waiting for her consent or refusal, grinning devilishly and giggling. Ai felt a sense of unease, which made her wary and tense. She had known the answer for herself from the start… she knew she would agree, but she was trying to figure out what it would cost her. What could this girl possibly get from a dead soul? In horror movies, when a deal was made between a human and a demon, the demon always asked for something in return. However, when she herself found herself in a similar situation, her brain began to turn to mush. To all those shouts at the TV for the character who made the deal, «Don't agree!», now Ai responded with an anxious tone: «If only it were that simple…» Tsukuyomi languished for a long time waiting for Hoshino's answer, but she waited patiently. Waited until Ai swallowed and extended her hand to the silver-haired girl. — «Should I take that as a ‘yes’?» — Tsukuyomi asked, to which Ai only nodded decisively. — «Let it be so…» — the girl whispered before she and all the darkness around Ai were dispelled by a bright, bright white light that seemed like it could easily burn her eyes… She listened to the children's song lach, but she didn't understand where it was coming from. She saw a white light, but she didn't understand where it was coming from. She heard a woman's heavy breathing, but she didn't understand whose or why. She heard a bustle among the voices of adults. After a while, she felt someone's arms wrap around her and press her against something warm… Something breathing… She heard two voices, a man's and a woman's, but they were unfamiliar to her, she didn't understand what they were saying. This child's crying prevented her from understanding their speech… She heard only fragments: — «…A girl…» — «…She's beautiful…» — «…Next — the placenta…» And only at the end, Ai realized it was her crying.