Once I'll say it from a pure heart

«I was sure an idol’s role is not suitable for me.»

I had a hard time during my childhood, my mother hitted me oftenly, there was no place for loving or caring about me. I have never known how it would feel — to love someone and to be loved by someone. — «You said you were looking for someone.» A man with blond hair met me to offer me a job. To me, a simple average middle school girl, who has nothing special at all, he offered me to become the leader of an idol group. — «To become an idol, who, me? It’s so funny.» Idols are the representation of perfection, pure perfection. They love their fans and fans love them back. But I can’t love anybody, I can’t become one. — «You see, my company wants to create a group of middle school girls. And in my opinion, you would become a great leader.» He wanted to see me as the leader so much… — «Nah, ‘m not interested». I wasn’t interested in show business, that was true. I did not believe any second that I’d be able to win fans’ hearts because I’d never be able to love them for real. — «But idols say a lot they love someone. It happens that I would need to lie.» — «There is nothing wrong with it. In fact, fans themselves only want nothing but to hear lies. Answering evasively is a talent too.» — «I can do that, really? Even if it is all a lie, I still can say I love them?» — «I’m sure you wish to love someone, you just don’t know how to. And don’t know whom to. If you’d just dance and sing beautifully, you already show them your love. If you become an idol, there will be a lot of songs about love. And if you continue to lie, then one day, the lie can become the truth.» — «The lie… becomes the truth?» That phrase impressed me a lot at that time. To lie about being in love with someone? And after that my feelings can become real? I thought that if I became an idol, I would be able to say «I love you!» to my fans with a pure heart, but… it didn’t happen. It was still a lie. Years passed by, however, I wasn’t sincere with them even once. I thought that if I become a mother, I would be able to love my children. And still nothing. I haven’t told these important words, fearing it would be a lie. I promised I will say them once for sure, for sure from a pure heart, my children were waiting for it, I knew it. They were waiting for it for a very long period of time, impatiently, but I couldn’t, just couldn’t forgive myself if I’d lied to them.

***

The situation in our family was interesting: although the children were born by me, they were listed as belonging to the director’s wife, Miyako Saito, they went with us to filming, because there was no one who we could leave them with — the manager was also needed in office, and hiring a nanny would be unacceptable if we didn’t want our secret to be revealed. That's how the kids got acquainted with the world of show business, and it seemed to me they understood much more than other kids their age would have understood. They wanted me to be happy, and wanted me to get a better job. They were constantly indignant at the small pay for my efforts, pushing me to do more. Then, however, everything really started to change: I noticed I started getting more invitations to the TV shows, the radio programs, and there were more work proposals. Once, Aqua managed to surprise a producer so much he even rewrote the script just to let my kid act there. Not all of it, of course. I think he has a talent that is worth developing. Ruby and I were learning a dance for her kindergarten performance, she was so clumsy, just like me at her age. — «Ruby, if you're afraid of falling, you won't be able to balance.» Her eyes were filled with tears, I saw her efforts, but something stopped her from completely immersing herself in the dance. — «Don't be scared, I'll be here to support you!» Ruby was brilliant at the performance, she really enjoyed our training together. She has a very good memory, I think she can already remember dozens of dances, but she will have to work on her coordination, but this will go away with time. I admired my children, I saw the beginnings of acting talent in Aqua, Ruby's ability to dance. I wonder if my children will become famous? I wanted to tell them so much about what I felt for them. Inside, I still cherished the hope that one day I would fulfill this promise…

***

When I opened the door, I did not expect to receive, along with a bouquet of roses, something that could end my life. A knife wound in the stomach. — «You lied! You always lied to us about everything! Saying you’re in love with us, you are just a liar!» He called me a liar. Yes, I am a liar! A real, skillful liar. I always lied to my fans about loving them, but what can I do? I don't know how to express love in any other way. — «I really lied. It's just because… I don't know how to express love in any other way.» Through the pain, feeling the blood flowing out, I started thinking about what else I wanted to see in my life. — «How I wanted to see you grow up…» An incomprehensible feeling filled me. It wasn't caused by the bleeding, I'm sure. I really wanted to say… — «Ruby, Aqua… I love you!» Realizing what phrase I said, I realized — I didn't lie! It was a sincere phrase, said from the pure heart! Tears of happiness flowed from my eyes. — «Finally, I said it! And it… It wasn't a lie!» It really wasn't a lie… Could it be… I managed to fulfill the promise I made — to love someone?..

***

— «You don't want to go to the performing arts program?!» — «General education courses are good too. I don't want to become famous.» Ruby stared at her brother in bewilderment. She remembered her mother's last words, saw how he played small roles in films and how well he did them. — «But how is that even possible? Do you want to not use your talent? What about mum's wish?» Aquamarine sighed tiredly. He wasn't interested in life as a star, it was interesting to watch his favorite idols, but getting into these derbies himself was physically dangerous. He had seen this in Ai's example. Ruby is young and naive, she doesn't see the whole picture of the world, she doesn't want to think about the dangers that await her on this path. «Just to watch you, one school for both of us is enough for me.» Seeing her upset look, he remembered his plan, which, fortunately or unfortunately, involved some form of participation in the world of show business, either behind the scenes or directly. — «Don’t worry, I’ll still be in this field. Instead of working as an actor, I chose to be a producer or a video editor.» — «Mum really wanted to see us growing up», — she added sadly. — «I think we should fulfill her wish. I promised her that I would become an idol too.» «The only one promise I could recall in my whole life is the promise to take revenge against our biological father, who is responsible for Ai’s death. But she doesn’t need to know that.» — «Your dream will come true. I’m sure our mum would be proud to see you now.»