Queen of Pride

      Maybe it’s a bad idea, Riko thought, and bit the inside of his cheek. With every brush stroke on his eyelid, his nerves grew, and it was getting really hard not to fidget. Despite it, Riko stayed still so that Kevin could work on his makeup undisturbed. Now Kevin moved on to applying eyeliner, and as the tip touched his eyelid, Riko nearly flinched, not used to the feeling. It didn’t escape Kevin’s notice, of course, and Riko wanted to smack himself.       “Okay?” Concern sounded clear in Kevin’s voice.       Riko only nodded tensely, still quite ashamed about his reaction. Soft lips touched his forehead, kissing his frown away. Riko’s body relaxed a bit and shuffled closer to his partner, trying to squash the annoying voice in his head saying that comfort was for the weak. He felt arms embrace him from behind and squeeze him lightly, easing his mind off a bit. Renee’s warmth against his back helped him stay still, so Kevin could finish his work. He did so quickly and without much trouble. A gentle touch under Riko’s chin made him look up at Kevin, his partner’s gaze assessing. All Riko wanted was to turn away from the attention, but the hand held his head in place. After a minute, Kevin smiled, seemingly satisfied with the results. Riko was curious how the makeup turned out, but at the same time he felt apprehensive. What if he looked ridiculous?       Renee hugged him tighter, as if sensing his darkening thoughts.       “Ready for the corset?” Her lips were so close to Riko’s ear that her breath tickled at his skin, raising goosebumps on his body. She kissed his neck and a shudder went through him.       “Yeah,” Riko’s voice sounded shaky and he cursed himself for it.       Renee chuckled, the sound dispersing some of the dark clouds in Riko’s mind. He could listen to her laugh for hours and not get bored of it at all. It always brought some light into his gray life, casting away the shadows waiting for him in the dark corners. A small smile appeared on his face, a reaction he seemed to get more accustomed to with each day.       Renee put the corset around him and started to lace it. Riko put his hands on Kevin’s waist, so that Renee could work efficiently.       The corset was the thing he was most excited about out of his whole attire. Don’t get him wrong – he liked the dress he was wearing, and the makeup Kevin put on him oh so carefully, but the corset was a completely new territory for him. It thrilled him as much as it sent cold shivers down his spine, because what if he’d just make a fool out of himself? He still remembers the day when he had bought it. It had been an impulsive decision – he had seen it in an ad one day, pictured himself wearing it, and quickly bought it, but he had never actually put it on later. So it had stayed in his closet, waiting for the day he’d be brave enough to give it a chance. It seemed that the day had finally come. Well, the initiative hadn’t come from him, but from Renee, who had found the corset. Both her and Kevin had pleaded with him that he should wear it.       A hand cupping his cheek startled him, and Kevin looked at him apologetically. In Kevin’s other hand was a bright red lipstick, and Riko felt his heart going faster from anticipation. Without a word he parted his lips, making it easier for Kevin to cover them with red. A lipstick wasn’t anything new to him, but it would be his first time wearing it in public and not in the privacy of his home that he shared with his partners.       Renee pulled the corset’s strings tighter, making Riko wheeze. He held onto Kevin’s waist tighter, so that he wouldn't lose his balance. His partner didn’t look empathetic at all, with his stupid smirk on his face. Riko really wanted to punch him and maybe kiss him, preferably in that order. For now though, there were more important things going on.       The corset was now hugging his chest, making it a little harder to breathe. Despite this, the pressure felt kind of nice, Riko thought.       “Just a little longer,” said Renee while adjusting the strings. Riko would have nodded, but then Kevin might smudge the lipstick, so he only hummed in acknowledgment. As the preparations were nearing to an end, Riko’s nerves only grew.       Soon both his partners stepped away to admire their work. Riko squirmed under their attention, still not used to their gazes full of love. When he was on Court, it was different – he was the proud Riko Moriyama, Son of Exy, who loved the flash of cameras, and made his fans go crazy on a daily basis. With Renee and Kevin though, he was just Riko, made from scattered pieces, constantly unsure who he really was, but somehow still interesting enough for his partners to stay with him. The question if he was worthy of their love kept popping up in his head daily, and he still wasn’t sure about the answer.       Riko looked at himself in the mirror they kept in their living room, and couldn’t hold back his gasp. First thing he focused on was the corset – a beautiful piece with frills at the top and delicate embroidery along the sides. It made his waist look smaller and even gave an illusion that his chest wasn’t completely flat. His makeup was quite simple in contrast – just a little bit of brown shade and eyeliner, and red lipstick. He was pleased that Kevin listened to him and didn’t go crazy with the colors.       Underneath the corset was a white dress, the same color as the corset, its shape giving an impression of bigger hips underneath, which made Riko’s heart dance in happiness. He smoothed down the material, reveling in the feeling of the frills caressing his skin gently. Their soft blue and pink colors brought some more life into the dress and with the rest of the outfit created a trans flag in a subtle way – just the way Riko wanted.       His focus shifted to his partners standing on either side of him. Renee decided to wear one of Riko’s old black suits, and Riko had to admit that it fit her perfectly. What stood out was an orange tie and blue lipstick, giving the outfit a less solemn look. Still, the suit and the way Renee was carrying herself with confidence made Riko weak in the knees.       On his other side stood Kevin, and his outfit didn’t match Riko and Renee's at all. Riko had rolled his eyes when Kevin had come out of the bedroom in his Foxes’ uniform paired with ‘bi socks’, as he called them, looking really pleased with himself.       “Really, Day?” Riko had commented.       Kevin had smirked and replied, “I don’t want anyone to faint.” And okay, this had been a valid reason. But in Riko’s opinion, both Kevin and Renee could wear potato sacks and still look breathtaking, but he might be biased. Or not really, seeing the overwhelming number of fans Kevin had.       “Do you like it?” Renee’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts. Arms embraced Riko from behind, and he shuddered as Kevin’s breath tickled his sensitive neck. The familiar warmth combined with the adoring gazes of his partners were just too much for him in that moment, and his eyes welled up.       “Hey, don’t cry.” Kevin carefully caught the stray tear with his finger. “You’ll ruin your makeup.” He placed a soft kiss behind Riko’s neck and in that moment he felt like his chest would burst from all the emotions. Was it what true happiness felt like? Because Riko for sure wasn’t worthy of all the care he was so freely given. How could he even repay his partners? He knew he wasn’t easy to love, so surely Renee and Kevin will grow tired of him in the end. Riko was still learning to love, especially himself, and it wasn’t going smoothly most of the time.       His dark thoughts got stopped by a gentle touch on his cheek. Riko startled, and Renee smiled apologetically at him.       “You looked lost there for a while.” It was an invitation to talk with her and ease the burden of his emotions, but today wasn’t the day he’d like to use the opportunity. Instead he looked down at the dress again.       “Maybe I shouldn’t wear it.” Once the doubts creeped up on him, it was hard to ignore them. “I’m looking ridiculous.”       “You look stunning,” said Renee with conviction. Riko’s eyes stung again at the words. Today he was doing so many things that filled him with dread and felt too good to be true, but at the same time they thrilled him so much that he didn’t know what to do with them.       “You’ll be the queen of Pride,” Kevin said close to Riko’s ear, and Riko’s brain stopped working. Kevin said it so easily like it wasn’t a big deal at all. And maybe for him and Renee it really wasn’t, but Riko couldn’t feel like this towards himself. A dress and makeup didn’t make him a woman yet.       “Do I look like a queen to you?” Riko shook his head. “Maybe you should get your eyes checked.” He hoped his cheeky tone covered the ugly feelings that started to grow more inside of him. What did Renee and Kevin even see in him?       Kevin hummed at Riko’s response. “All I see,” he started, “are two really beautiful people in front of me.”       Riko turned his head down to hide the growing blush on his cheeks. The sound of Renee’s chuckle lightened the atmosphere in the room a little, but Riko’s demons apparently decided to still bother him. It was like he suddenly became conscious of all the imperfections – too wide shoulders, too big Adam's apple, too rough skin… Looking at himself in the mirror, he felt like a caricature.       “I’m not that,” Riko’s voice came out wobbly for some reason, and he silently berated himself for it.       The air of happiness instantly changed. Renee’s smile became smaller, the eyes looking at Riko with sadness in them. It was too much for Riko, so he lowered his head in shame. Kevin wasn’t any better than Renee probably, and Riko hated to be the cause of his partners’ sorrow. He had to ruin everything, didn’t he?       Kevin broke the suffocating silence. “One day you’ll believe us.” The arms around Riko hugged him tighter and he closed his eyes, reveling in the feeling. He felt a second set of arms embracing him from the front and squeezing lightly. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Riko didn’t feel like clawing his skin off anymore. A couple deep breaths later, he was ready to face the world again.       When he opened his eyes, the first thing that greeted him was Renee’s smile, small and comforting. “Who are we taking to the parade?” Riko’s confusion must have been obvious because she clarified, “Our girlfriend or partner?”       Riko’s breath stuttered at the words. His own identity was something that he had been struggling with for a long time. His partners were always supportive and never pushed him, but he wasn’t blind to the sadness in their eyes whenever his own self-hatred held him back. Moments like those filled him with even more self-loathing, and it seemed that he just couldn’t break the cycle. Or he could, but wasn’t brave enough.       Riko opened his mouth to give the usual answer, but this time something stopped him. Maybe it was the hopeful look in Kevin and Renee’s eyes, or maybe he suddenly grew more spine – either way, the practiced words died in his throat.       What came out instead was, “Maybe we’ll try with a ‘girlfriend’?” His voice cracked at the end. Fear gripped at his lungs because he got himself into unfamiliar waters with nothing much to help him navigate. He nearly took the words back, but his partners’ had such gleeful looks on their faces, that he’d feel even worse by taking it away.       Renee kissed him (her?) tenderly, and the tightness in Riko’s chest loosened. Maybe it was okay to be their girlfriend in public for a while? Just to get a taste of it.       “One last thing,” said Kevin, and Riko watched in the mirror as he took out a silver necklace. It was a small thing, the delicate chain barely visible on Riko’s skin. Riko pulled up her (?) hair to make it easier for Kevin to put it around her neck.       A shuddering breath left her when she looked at herself in the mirror again. She still noticed imperfections in her appearance, but the overall picture made her ecstatic.       Before Riko could talk herself out of going out, she said, “Let’s go or they’ll start without us.”       Renee and Kevin gave her blinding smiles in response, and took her hands in theirs. Together, they walked out, and Riko couldn’t be happier at that moment.