You are really here

Without giving as much as one word of explanation why she had returned, Maomao headed straight to the young noble's bed. But on the other hand, it wasn't even necessary to explain anything, since Suiren had already guessed her motives herself, with such accuracy, as if she had managed to read her thoughts. Maomao wondered whether she really was that obvious. Oh well, whatever. Not showing any trace of her anger from before, the apothecary put the bottle with the medicine together with the spoon on the small table near the bed and finally approached Jinshi. He was still lying there in the exact same position she had left him in, sound asleep and emitting quiet whistling sounds due to his stuffed nose. But it seemed that the ointment actually was helping him breathe a bit easier. Maomao was glad that she had possessed all the necessary ingredients for it and had been able to produce it quickly. She resolved to prepare a mixture out of boiling water, chamomile flowers and salt the next day and make Jinshi inhale the steam in order to unclog his nose. But for that, his fever had to go down first. "How is he? Did something happen during my absence?" she finally spoke and placed her hand on his forehead. Noticing with a certain relief that its temperature had already decreased a bit. "No, nothing, he's still sleeping peacefully, as you can see. Your medicine works really wonderfully, Xiaomao." "Of course, it's pops' formula, after all," Maomao thought, proudly thinking of her adoptive father Luomen, who had taught her everything she knew. "I have brought the rest with me," she said. "It should be enough for two or maybe three doses, and then I'll make more." Suiren placed a pitcher with fresh water next to Maomao's remedy. For a few moments, there was silence. "Very well. And now that you have made sure that the young master's condition hasn't worsened, you could go back to bed, right, Xiaomao?" As an answer, Maomao pulled up a chair once again and took a seat next to the bed. Suiren widened her eyes first in slight surprise, but then smiled knowingly. "Oh, so you want to stay with him?" Maomao still didn't say anything. The only thing she did was give the chief lady-in-waiting a look that seemingly told the older woman more than a thousand words. "I see. I'm sure he will be very happy to see you first thing after waking up.” *** The minutes passed in almost complete silence. It was a quiet, peaceful night with the moon standing high on the slightly cloudy sky and shining into Jinshi's chambers, where a few candles were still burning and bathing the two sleeping figures in the room in a soft light together with the moon. Maomao was dangerously tilting forwards, about to fall from the chair she was still sitting on. But then she woke up and opened her eyes when Jinshi turned onto his back and snuffled in his sleep. She needed a moment to remember where she was. "So I did nod off, after all," she thought, yawning and rubbing her tired eyes. "No wonder after such a day." She let out a sigh, filled with a light anger. "Just as expected, there was nothing to be concerned about, and I just ended up wasting time. I knew I should have stayed in bed." A small line appeared between her eyebrows. "But too late to be annoyed now. There's nothing I can do about it, anyway." Suiren had left shortly after Maomao's return, explaining that she didn't want to bother the two of them. Maomao didn't really understand what she meant by that (since Jinshi had been the only one sleeping at that time and would surely not be bothered by Suiren's presence), but she decided not to ask. Thus, she and the young lord had been completely alone for quite some time in the latter's chambers. The apothecary got up, stretched a bit, and then directed her gaze at the young noble lying in bed. Noticing that his blanket had slid off a little and his body shivering a bit more violently than before. She covered him up again and briefly examined his face. Next, she clicked her tongue and pulled a handkerchief out of her sleeve, carefully wiping Jinshi's reddened nose, from which a thin trail of snot had been flowing, shining wetly in the faint light. "Hah, like a little kid..." Yes, an inhalation wouldn't be bad, indeed. And hot ginger water. The latter would warm him up from the inside and also help reduce his fever. While pondering about that, Maomao sat back down, crossed her arms and kept observing the sleeping Jinshi in silence. After a while, she let out another yawn and turned her head towards the window, trying to calculate how many hours were still left until daybreak. "If I'm going to just continue sitting here like that, then I could just as well do something useful." That made her remember that one of her skirts was torn, and even though she had borrowed a needle and thread from Suiren in order to mend it, she unfortunately hadn't found yet the time to actually do it, thus ending up forgetting it. Well, what perfect timing to catch up on it! She just had to be careful to not prick her finger, since the stitching would become a small challenge due to the dim light and her fatigue. But Maomao was confident that she would manage just fine. It wouldn't be the first time, anyway. And if Jinshi was still sleeping after she would be done, she could maybe try to get a bit more sleep herself until his awakening. On the chair, mind you. Yes, exactly: at this point, she didn't even consider returning to her bed, since, for unknown reasons, she already had the vague hunch that she wouldn't be able to find any rest there and end up in Jinshi's chambers once again. As pointless and stupid as that might sound in her opinion. The apothecary shook her head. Somehow, Jinshi's foolishness seemed to have recently started to rub off on her. Maybe it came from living together in the same residence and dealing with each other day after day. She stood up and headed to the door in order to fetch all the things she needed from her room. However, while leaving, she failed to notice that Jinshi had clenched his fists and twisted his face in his sleep. A few tears abandoned his eyes and soaked his pillow. *** Sitting in his chambers in a quiet, dark corner on the ground, Jinshi listlessly raised his head and looked groggily and with a slightly opened mouth at the window. The sun was currently rising and bathing the world in a warm orange light. Another day had begun. Another day without Maomao. Another day filled with unbearable agony. A never-ending agony that didn't leave him in peace for even one single moment. A few drops from the heavy rain that had fallen last night were still dripping from the edge of the roof and rolling down the window glass. The same way Jinshi's tears had been rolling down his cheeks that very night. And the night before that. And the night before that, too. So many sleepless and nightmare-filled nights whose traces still remained as dark circles around his eyes. It almost seemed as if that rain outside wanted to illustrate the young noble's current emotional state. To express its sympathy towards him. Or maybe even to mock him. But whatever it was, Jinshi certainly didn't want to see anything of it. He turned his head away and directed his gaze back to the floor. He absolutely didn't care anymore whether the sun was rising or not. Without Maomao, his soul was trapped in a constant, impenetrable darkness anyway, so if the universe were to sink into an eternal night, it would all be just the same for him. The young man had become a mere shadow of his former self: his violet eyes, that had been filled with life, were now dull, bloodshot, and swollen due to the lack of sleep and all the crying; his long hair had lost its usual shine and was slightly disheveled, and even the honeyed tone had abandoned his voice that was now barely able to utter a word. But even in his current condition, he was still mercilessly forced to do his daily work he actually didn't have any strength left for. And neither for anything else. In other people's presence, except for the two he trusted the most, he had initially done his very best to put on his usual dazzling smile, but somehow, his mask had started to crack, making that smile look as fake as ever. Hah, but then again, it wasn't as if the palace women cared about his real feelings and whether his smile was just painted on or not. The only thing that had always interested them were his looks, nothing but his facade. Because they weren't Maomao. Jinshi looked down at his slightly trembling hands. From the very beginning, he had been nothing but an actor in that Imperial Palace. Because, who even knew the real him? Almost no one. There was almost no one who considered him just a human being. Not some mythical celestial creature, but a human. Because they weren't Maomao. And now, that once impeccable actor had ended up forgetting his lines for good. The ones he had actually been supposed to have absorbed into his very being a long time ago. The lines that had never possessed any meaning to begin with. Just as everything else. Jinshi had realized that he was nothing without the apothecary. Absolutely nothing. And it had become clear to him precisely after she had left. When it had already been too late. Now, she wasn't there anymore, and he knew that, no matter how long he searched, no matter how many rounds he made through the Inner Palace and no matter how many times he visited the Jade Residence, he wouldn't find her anywhere. She was gone. Gone from the Imperial Palace, but not from Jinshi's head and neither from his heart. There wasn't a single second without him thinking of her. And it was destroying him. He had no clue how long he would be able to endure it all. It was so dark, so incredibly dark and cold... Without Maomao, Jinshi felt as if he was standing in the middle of a brutal snow storm, all alone and about to freeze to death, not knowing where to go or what to do. Without ever finding a way back to the sun. The sun whose warmth he would probably never feel again. That thought made him shudder, and his left hand clutched his clothes, right where his heart was. As if the latter had already irrevocably turned into a chunk of ice, never to allow him to show a real smile nor to have feelings ever again. Any feelings besides pain, sorrow, and an almost unbearable longing, a love for someone he would probably never see again. Until quite recently, the young lord had believed that true love was nothing but a mere illusion, some kind of beautiful myth from novels and other stories. But that wasn't surprising at all, since he had grown up in the Imperial Family, in a "garden of women", where said women only existed to serve the Emperor and to give birth to his descendants. It was their duty, none of them did it out of love. Thus, Jinshi had spent his entire life thinking that a thing like love didn't exist. Until Maomao had entered his life, and he had gotten to know her better and better with time. And before he knew it, that very love had struck him with full force. Jinshi had no clue what that apothecary, that very special and unique young woman, had exactly done to him during that short time. But whatever it was... was now hurting really bad. He had never suffered like that in his entire life. As if he had been thrown into a tiny, dark solitary cell with no way of ever getting out, abandoned with his own misery, never to see the light of day again. Jinshi was perfectly aware that he wasn't behaving according to his status and also causing grief to Suiren and Gaoshun, but he couldn't help it. He just wasn't that strong, as he had to painfully admit now. Because he actually was nothing more than human, no more and no less but human. He wasn't even able to do his paperwork anymore. No matter how much he was staring at the documents lying in front of him on the desk and trying to concentrate, no matter how often he was reading the characters, he just couldn't make out their sense. As if his mind had separated from his body, not capable of doing anything besides wandering through memories. Memories of his apothecary. His body, however, was now nothing but an empty shell. His soul, his body, his voice... everything had become utterly useless. What wouldn’t he have given to see her again… to have her beautiful blue eyes directed at him... no matter if she was looking at him like at a disgusting insect or not. But despite everything, there was still a small consolation he had left: the knowledge that he had acted according to her wish. "I did it for her, for her, for her alone..." he muttered into his gloomy solitude. "It was what she wanted... she's not a toy... and never has been..." Yet in spite of these words that were desperately and as good as unsuccessfully trying to warm up his frozen heart, he was and remained nothing without her. Neither a "beautiful eunuch" nor a "heavenly nymph" or whatever others might call him. Nothing. Nothing but a miserable, pathetic being whose sorrow was making mushrooms grow. Nothing held any meaning for him anymore... everything was pointless without Maomao. While thinking that, Jinshi felt new tears start burning in his eyes, which made him cover his face with both hands. How odd... and he had believed he had already managed to shed them all… *** A sob escaped Jinshi's throat, and he abruptly opened his eyes. Bathed in sweat and breathing heavily, he stared at the ceiling. The agony he had felt just mere moments ago was still constricting his throat, making it impossible for him to produce even one single word. The young noble raised his terribly aching head that was burning with fever and looked around, afraid and slightly confused. As it seemed, he was lying in his bed, that much he understood. Did that mean that everything he had gone through right now, was nothing... but a dream? A bad dream, triggered by memories of a painful time in his life? He sneezed and placed his head weakly back down on the pillow, as he started feeling dizzy after a few seconds. Then he closed his eyes, still panting. And immediately cracked them open once again, widely, so terrified that his pupils shrank. Wait a minute! If it really had been a mere nightmare, then where was Maomao?! Why couldn't he see her anywhere?! Had she left him, after all?! No way! Jinshi's breath hitched for a moment, while he was seized by sheer panic. His heart was pounding like crazy against his ribs, with such force that it almost hurt. Where was she?! WHERE?! "A-Apo... thecary," he said in a strangled voice. Tears were running down his cheeks, and snot was dripping from his nose. "Apothecary... Maomao!" He had to find her! Jinshi somehow managed to get his weakened and incredibly heavy-feeling body out of bed and staggered out of the room in order to search for Maomao, his mind still clouded from his nightmare and his fever. Barefoot, sniffing, and trembling like a leaf. "C-Cold... so cold..." The young lord was freezing as though he was still stuck in his horrible dream. *** In the meantime, Maomao had found everything she needed in her room and was now on her way back to Jinshi's chambers, inspecting the tear in the skirt yet to be repaired, while walking. "Hm, it's not that big, so it shouldn't take too long to mend, I suppose," she thought and couldn't hold back another yawn. "And then I'll really try to sleep at least a bit. Who knows how long the next day's going to be." Suddenly, she heard someone's wheezing in front of her in the hallway and looked up, puzzled. A disheveled figure was moving on unsteady legs right into her direction in the darkness. Maomao stopped in her tracks and raised both eyebrows, too baffled to utter even one word. Thinking for a moment that her exhausted mind must be playing tricks on her. But after a few seconds, she regained her voice, having recognized who that figure was. "Master Jinshi! What are you doing here?! Why aren't you in bed?!" "A-Apothecary... You are... really here," she heard the young lord speak with quite some effort and between coughs. "Eh? What do you mean?" Maomao frowned and then ran up to him. "You have to go back to bed at once!" Ignoring her words (or perhaps not even hearing them), he stopped. "Found you... Y-You are... really here..." He sounded as if there was a lump in his throat. "Oh, no! He's delirious!" Maomao thought, gritting her teeth, already about to grab his wrist. She had to lead him back and give him another dose of her medicine, as soon as possible! As it looked like, the first one hadn't been enough, after all. But then... ...she almost yelped out in surprise, when he fell to his knees out of nowhere and hugged her so tightly he almost squeezed the air out of her. The objects she had been holding in her hands, dropped to the ground. "Master Jin-" "Warm... you're s-so warm..." Jinshi sobbed, desperately burying his face against her small shoulder. His tears began drenching her clothes. The apothecary widened her eyes when she felt just how hot his forehead was. There was no time to waste, she had to act, quickly! And the first thing to do was to get him back to bed. She just had to figure out how. And here comes the song that gave me the inspiration for the scene with Jinshi's nightmare: "Sin ti no soy nada" by the Spanish band Amaral Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZzoBKbci5A&pp=ygUfYW1hcmFsIHNpbiB0aSBubyBzb3kgbmFkYSBsZXRyYQ%3D%3D I translated the lyrics for you: Sin ti no soy nada (I am nothing without you) Una gota de lluvia mojando mi cara (A raindrop is falling on my face) Mi mundo es pequeño y mi corazón pedacitos de hielo (My world is small, and my heart tiny pieces of ice) Solía pensar que el amor no es real (I used to think that love isn't real) Una ilusión que siempre se acaba (An illusion that always finds its end) Y ahora sin ti no soy nada (And now, I'm nothing without you) Sin ti niña mala (Without you, I'm a bad girl) Sin ti niña triste (Without you, I'm a sad girl) Que abraza su almohada (Who hugs her pillow) Tirada en la cama, (Lying in bed) Mirando la tele y no viendo nada (Watching TV, but not seeing anything) Amar por amar y romper a llorar (Love for the sake of loving and starting to cry) En lo más cierto y profundo del alma (In the truest and deepest spot of one’s soul) Sin ti no soy nada (I am nothing without you) Los días que pasan (The days that are passing) Las luces del alba (The lights of daybreak) Mi alma, mi cuerpo, mi voz, no sirven de nada (My soul, my body, my voice are completely useless) Porque yo sin ti no soy nada (Because I am nothing without you) Sin ti no soy nada Sin ti no soy nada Me siento tan rara (I feel so odd) Las noches de juerga se vuelven amargas (The nights of partying are becoming bitter) Me río sin ganas con una sonrisa pintada en la cara (I'm laughing listlessly with a smile painted on my face) Soy sólo un actor que olvidó su guión (I'm nothing but an actor, who forgot her script) Al fin y al cabo son sólo palabras que no dicen nada (But in the end, these are just words that don't say anything, anyway) Los días que pasan Las luces del alba Mi alma, mi cuerpo, mi voz, no sirven de nada Qué no daría yo por tener tu mirada (What wouldn't I have given to have your gaze on me) Por ser como siempre los dos (To be together, just like we used to be) Mientras todo cambia (While everything's changing) Porque yo sin ti no soy nada (Because I am nothing without you) Sin ti no soy nada Sin ti no soy nada Los días que pasan Las luces del alba Mi alma, mi cuerpo, mi voz, no sirven de nada Qué no daría yo por tener tu mirada Por ser como siempre los dos Mientras todo cambia Porque yo sin ti no soy nada Sin ti no soy nada Sin ti no soy nada