𝐀 𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞

      A huge field along which a red-haired humanoid in a green cowboy hat is walking from left to right. Three hearts are shown in the top left corner of the screen as his health bar. The human walks and walks, collecting stars along the way, until he falls into a hole. Having fallen into a dungeon with lava, it turns out to be a huge skull ship that shoots a red laser from right to left. The red monkey in the hat manages to get a green umbrella and protect himself from the laser under it. The ship flies up, then lands on the left and, clattering its lower jaw, begins to chase the dwarf, who ran away until he fell again.

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      A cutscene loaded, where the red spoon slowly sank into the lava and screamed heart-rendingly until he drowned. "Game Over" appears in the foreground. The screen zooms back, revealing that it was all just a game. — Well, I died again. — Cream was indignant. — Oh, you almost beat him. — said Shadow. — I will never defeat Lord Hater. — Cream answered him. — You will win, Cream. — the black hedgehog supported her. — As Wander, you’re twice as cool as I am. — General meeting, guys. — Blaze said as she passed by. — Come on, let's go! Everyone came to the meeting, inside a large house. There was a music speaker in the corner that was used as a conference table for the jury. Sonic sat behind him and ate ice cream, not yet starting to say anything. — Sonic, everyone is gathered, start! — Blaze said, but Sonic did not hear her, because when he ate, he was deaf and dumb. — Sonic, what's wrong with you? — Vector shouted. — Well, it's quite obvious that I just want to eat my ice cream. — he explained and finished it to the end. — And so we begin. Sit down! Everyone sat down, except for Shadow, who chose to stand and held Cream on his shoulders. — Thank you, I'll wait. — Whatever you say, Shadow. So! The chaosvirus awareness meeting is rescheduled for Tuesday evening. Was it a huge success? Not yet. And we express our gratitude to Tails for his candid participation. Thank you, Tails. — Always happy. — said the two-tailed man. — Oh, and a little information... — said the blue hedgehog and looked under the piece of notebook. — Quarantine has been postponed until today. Everyone here was worried. — Are they crazy? — Eggman was indignant. — I didn’t think we should have known about this in advance. — Knuckles blurted out in excitement. — Why should we all wash our hands now? — Metal Sonic asked, showing his hand and turning on the laugh player. — Oh yes, guys. So you all think this is funny? The virus began to envelop our planet three weeks ago. I don't want any of us to die from the disease, so let's all relax! After all, we have a large portion of food, water, toilet paper and pizza. So we will not be lost and will survive the quarantine, even if it lasts the entire year or two. — Sonic explained. — The meeting is over, see you all! Everyone left, and Sonic immediately rushed as fast as he could to the toilet. Having locked himself in the toilet, he sighs heavily and prepares to tear off the excess paper from the sleeve, but the sleeve turns out to be empty with only the remnants of the cut paper and he screams: — A-A-AH... DISAPPEARED!!! IT'S OVER!!! Everyone was scared by what they heard and wondered if there was a fire. Shadow comes running first, finding himself at the entrance to the toilet. — Sonic, how are you? — Oh, Shadow, glory to Chaos! I'm out of toilet paper here. Do you happen to have an extra roll? — Uh... No. — Shadow answered. — Guys, maybe any of you still have at least one? — I don’t have one in my room, we searched all the corners. — Espio explained. — Scrange and Grounder said that they also ran out, but they will continue to search, maybe they will find more. — Eggman explained.

Two hours later

— Sorry, Sonic, we searched the whole house, not a single roll was left anywhere. — Metal said. Sonic began to sit on the potty and feel sad. — Don't become excitement! We'll figure something out. — Shadow said, looking behind the door and looking at the blue hedgehog on the potty. Sonic noticed the black man’s grin and immediately yelled at him: — GET OUT OF HERE, SHADOW!!! Shadow just left the toilet, still holding his grin. — Maybe find an alternative to toilet paper and wipe yourself with something else? — Tails asked. — Exactly, I thought about that myself. — Eggman supported him. — M-m-m-m... Perhaps you're right. — Shadow agreed with them. — What should we do, Mister Shadow? — asked Cream. — Use needles! — Shadow answered. Silver and Amy heard this, simultaneously grabbed their needles on their heads with their hands, immediately began to pull them like hair and scream heart-rendingly in fear. — NO-O-O!!! — Sonic screamed from the toilet, as the toilet door came to life and jumped on the spot. — Ugh, how disgusting. — Big expressed himself, and Froggy the frog on his shoulder only croaked in confirmation of the words of his big cat. — Well, why such difficulties and nonsense? — Vector asked. — Let's just do it the old fashioned way, go outside, go to the store and buy a new supply of toilet paper. — The answer is negative. — Metal said. — Clouds of viruses are flying on the street and they easily spread throughout the world. As soon as we go outside, we will immediately become infected. This virus can enter not only through the nose or mouth, but also through the skin. And we are robots, all the more easily we can translate them into ourselves. — We won’t be infected. We will arm ourselves well, find special masks, gloves and voila! We consider ourselves protected from viruses. And when we return, we’ll just wash our hands and the virus itself will be washed away from under the skin. — Silver explained. — The answer is positive. — Metal confirmed. — YES!!! Thank you, Silver. — Sonic was delighted and crapped himself with joy. — Oh! — Great, then let's get ready, guys, and let's go! — Blaze said. — Mr. Shadow, can I come with you? — asked the rabbit, lowering her ears and bulging the pupils of her eyes. Well, it didn’t take long to beg him and the black hedgehog immediately agreed, which Vannila was against: — No, Cream, I don’t want you to get infected. — Don’t worry, she’ll be safe with me and won’t get infected. — Shadow reassured the rabbit’s mother. — Let's go, guys! — So where do we go, Shadow? — Knuckles asked, as Eggman himself jumped down in front of him and landed on his feet, looking menacingly at the echidna. — OUTSI-I-IDE!!! — shouted the fat man with a mustache and glasses, pointing his finger at the door. Eggman, Silver, Blaze, Vector, Espio and Cream came out of the house, followed by Shadow himself, who had time to say goodbye: — We can get back before Sonic’s ass gets dry. — Do not talk to strangers, as there may be infected people among them. — said Big, and Froggy croaked in confirmation of his words. — I deny. — Shadow answers. — Since I am a ultimate life form, I never get sick, which means I will never catch any of the diseases. Even this virus. — Not likely. — Metal said, waving goodbye. — There are no forms of life in the universe that would never get sick until the end of their full life cycle. And our heroes-saviors Sonic went to the city, among a bunch of infected people and Mobians who managed to catch the virus, disobeying the quarantine and leaving the house. They hoped that gloves and masks would protect them from the virus. — Hey guys! Why did the crocodile cross the road? — Vector asked. — Vector, we have no time for jokes now! — said Espio. — And I love jokes, so why? — Eggman asked. — Because everyone knows that a crocodile is not a bird. — Vector answered and pointed across the street to the strip club. — Vector, we are going to the store to buy toilet paper, not to look at naked women. — Silver objected. — We need something like Samberi! — Shadow said to himself and looked around. Samberry's store turned out to be on the side of the strip club. — Vector, I must admit, you saved us. — Well, where do you think I was pointing? — he asked. Vector was the first to cross the road and did not see that a car was coming towards him, which Silver managed to move to the side with psychokinesis. The car overturned and crashed into a strip club, and its driver let out a scream. — Um... Well, he died. — the white hedgehog said about the driver and turned around to go back home. However, Blaze took his hand and said: — Let's move on! Once inside Samberry's store, everyone moved on, and Silver was attracted by a newspaper with news, which said that Lord Hater and Lord Dominator had gotten married. He was happy about this news and took this newspaper with him to read on the way. — Wow, there is so much stuff in this store. How do we find what we need? — asked Espio. — Let's split up! If one of us finds toilet paper, then we will save Sonic together. Forward! — said Shadow and the team split up, each of them went their own way. Shadow examined every corner and rolled forward on rollers until he was abruptly stopped by someone shouting: — WELL COME BACK HERE!!! Shadow was at first surprised by what he heard, and then returned to the corner from where they shouted to him. This was shouted by fat man Gabe Nuill, also known as the founder of ValvE and the Half-Life series of games. He looked menacingly at the black hedgehog and pointed his finger at him and said: — You're a blind piece of shit. — What are you talking about, fat man? — Shadow approached him. — Do you even know how to read? — Gabe asked him, pointing his finger at the forbidden signs, each of which he listed out loud in turn: — Do not masturbate, do not run along the corridors, do not rollerblade, do not make cracks, do not walk on wet floors, do not walk with animals on store, don’t try until you buy the product, don’t touch the product if you don’t intend to buy, don’t steal, and most importantly. Never. Do you hear? Never say this number out loud. — on the last sign he indicated, the Roman numeral number three was crossed out with a cross. Shadow frowned and replied: — I'll be careful! Gabe, pointing his finger, leaves, and Shadow takes out his player and listens to his song with a counting rhyme: — O-o-one, two, three, four and five. When Gabe heard the word “Three,” he immediately froze and turned his anger towards the black-scarlet hedgehog. He took the player from him and shouted: — YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME OR NO??? I SAID DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK THIS NUMBER OUT LOUD!!! — HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THIS??? — Shadow shouted at him, and Gabe hissed in response: — Don’t you dare raise your voice at me. This is first of all. Secondly, I am asking the questions here. Thirdly, I am in charge here. This means that only I decide with whom and how I will talk. And anyway, who are you to come at me like that? — I am Shadow the Hedgehog, the ultimate life form. This is who I am. — You are nobody, Hedzhidze. Just know it! And anyway, what did you forget in my store? While Shadow and Gabe were communicating with each other, neither of them heard or noticed how a manhole cover opened from the roof and very slowly the bat Rouge descended on her wings, took out a bag and began to put all the toilet paper in it, leaving none roll. She looked at Shadow and Gabe from time to time, lest they notice her stealing toilet paper. — My friends and I came here to get toilet rolls to save our comrade. — Shadow explains, and Gabe mockingly says: — So you need toilet paper? And this after you broke two rules, plus yelled at me for no reason? You know. I'll make cat food out of you after I beat all your crap out of your face. — And I’ll piss in your beer. —Shadow joked and grinned, imagining how he urinated into a beer bottle. Herb, however, was not amused and out of anger he hit the hedgehog in the face. — Never dare to laugh like that again! — Gabe said angrily and slapped him in the face two more times. — You understood me? However, the black hedgehog did not answer. He looked at Gabe with bulging eyes and an open mouth, and he went into his subconscious. — Agent Shadow! Answer, Agent Shadow! — the president's voice sounded in Shadow's head. Shadow himself stood above the clouds, and far away in the mountain a TV appeared, through which Professor Robotnik, who created him, was shown. He told him through the TV: — Shadow the Hedgehog, you are a ultimate life form. You were created to protect this entire world from evil. If you fall and realize that you no longer have the strength... Don't give up! Keep going until the end! You will have to give your life for the sake of all humanity. And even if everyone is afraid of you and will never accept you as a hero, you still be a hero and help others. Fight! Get up and fight to the end. These words became spiritual motivation for the black hedgehog, so that even while he was in his head, he rose in spirit and stood in a fighting stance, preparing for battle. After this, he is transported back to the real world. — I’m asking you for the last time, do you understand me? — Gabe asked him. Shadow frowned and replied: — You are right. — answered and took out a Chaos Emerald from his needles on his head. Gabe was shocked by what he saw, and Shadow pointed the emerald at Gabe and shouted: — CHAOS BLAST!!! An explosion came from the emerald, which pushed Gabe away and he flew through the wall, leaving a bunch of cracks in it and a hole in the shape of his body. Behind the wall, he fell straight onto the rails on which a train was traveling at that moment and ran over him. After finishing with it, Shadow looked around and noticed that all the shelves around him were empty. However, there was still one roll of toilet paper left. The roll was called Zewa. From what he saw, the hedgehog whistled to himself and said: — I could use one of these! The black-scarlet hedgehog had just begun to approach the roll when Rouge immediately came down from above and was the first to pick up the last roll. Shadow widened his eyes and gasped, he didn’t expect to see her. — Hai! — the bat winked at the hedgehog and flew up with the last roll in his hand. — NO-O-O!!! — he shouted and jumped up, trying to grab her legs, but missed and crashed into an empty shelf, after which he slowly slid down the shelf, as if down a glass wall. Rouge climbed onto the roof and closed the hatch behind her. She put the last roll into the sixth large bag, which was held by the Omega robot and was preparing to take off on its jet turrets. — We took everything, and now we’re flying away. — she said and the bat, along with the robot and the loot, flew away. Shadow sighed heavily that he did not have time to get at least one toilet paper. Suddenly his black phone vibrated. The black hedgehog takes out his phone and reads the SMS from Sonic: “SHADOW, WHERE ARE YOU??? I NEED TOILET PAPER IMMEDIATELY!!!” — SHIT!!!

Meanwhile

      Sonic just sent his message to Shadow through his blue mobile phone, after which he continued to sit on the potty, sad and sigh heavily. — Don't lose your temper, Sonic! — Amy walked to the door to the toilet and tried to calm Sonic behind the door. — Uh... What are you talking about, Amy! I just... — Sonic tried to act like he was still calm. — Don’t worry so much! The fact that you have a dirty ass is nothing. We ourselves are scared that our supply of toilet paper rolls has run out, but we keep ourselves under control. And even if your butt gets dry, you can go to the bathroom at any time and wash it. — At the last words, Amy put the palm of her hand to the door, thinking that he also probably stood there and put his palm to the wall to touch it. Eggman, Silver, Blaze, Vector, Espio and Cream returned home first. Metal Sonic scanned each of them. — No viruses were detected. - he said. — We didn’t find or bring anything. — Vector was upset. — Where is Shadow? — Vanilla turned to Cream. — He said that he would return later. - the rabbit answers. At this moment, Shadow suddenly crashes into the door, opening it, screams, raising his hands and head up, and then falls to his knees. — Everything is lost! Everything is lost! Goodbye! Bye bye, happy bye! — WHAT??? — Sonic shouted. — WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? — I'm sorry, Sonic! Rouge got there before me and took all the rolls. She didn't leave a single one. Sonic was indignant, came out of the toilet and shouted right in the black hedgehog’s face: — WHAT DO ME NEED TO WIPE MY BUTT WITH NOW??? A??? WHAT DO YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS??? — And this blue hedgehog once told me that everything works out in life only if you think about others, and not just about yourself. And I went in search of a roll of paper to save you. Because my friend was in trouble and because I believed you. — the black and scarlet hedgehog calmly explained all this, but Sonic continued to keep a gloomy expression on his face. — Well. You tried in vain. — said the blue hedgehog and turned his back to the black one, folding his arms over his chest. Everyone else was shocked by Sonic's reaction. — It's horrible. — Charmy said and flew away behind the bookcase. — And not a little bit unfair. — Uh... Well, okay! I'll go on and build the fort. — Shadow said and went to the storage room. However, Sonic became curious about what kind of fort this was and why Shadow did not allow anyone but himself to enter the storage room? He sneaked after him, looked outside the door and was shocked by what he saw. In the pantry there is a whole mountain of rolls of fresh toilet paper, from which the black hedgehog assembled something, like a child using a construction set. — WHAT??? — he screamed, moving away from the door. He was about to calm down and leave, but he couldn’t resist and ran to the door, sticking out his hands. — YO-O-OU!!! Suddenly he heard that he had stepped on an ordinary piece of paper. Stopping abruptly, he raised his right leg and looked at the leaf. There was a photograph of him with dirty and mutilated hands. And below it was written “Pandemic and death threaten those who have never washed their hands in their lives, considering themselves a ultimate life form.” From what he had read, he glanced lightly into the pantry again and saw that Shadow was having a hard time collecting the rolls, but even he himself wiped himself with them from time to time. — HEY GUYS!!! — Sonic shouted to everyone else. — SHADOW HAS BEEN PICKED UP BY SORAD NINETEEN!!! — What did you pick up? — asked Big, playing fishing with Froggy in an aquarium with fish. — What? — Shadow asked, coming out of the storage room. — What are you talking about, Sonic? — Eggman asked. — You must be joking? — Metal asked. — I scanned it and no viruses were found. — No, no, I'm serious. — Sonic said and raised his leg and showed them that same piece of paper. — Look! See! Everyone immediately screamed at what they saw and read. — He didn’t wash his hands. — Cream was indignant about Shadow. — SORAD NINETEEN!!! — Charmy shouted, pointing his finger at the black and scarlet hedgehog. — AH... What should we do, Sonic? — asked the two-tailed man and Sonic responded, pointing his finger at Shadow, shouting: — KICK HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! Everyone ran in panic, in all directions. — Great, now you leave. Silver said as Blaze ran towards Big. The latter fell and lay on his back, and Blaze jumps on Big’s stomach, as if on a springboard, and jumps away from him to the red button on top, pressing it. The sirens turned on, the red lights flashed, and all the windows were locked except for the exit door of the house. — Alarm-alarm-alarm-alarm... — repeated Metal. Amy and Cream pulled the handle and opened the door to the street. Shadow himself stood still and did not understand how he could get out of this and make an excuse that he had not become infected with anything like that and was not sick at all. At this time, Sonic whistled to Knuckles, and the latter, taking the whistle as a signal, picked up the master emerald and threw it at the black hedgehog like a stone. Shadow didn't even have time to think about dodging or teleporting with Chaos Control before the Master Emerald slammed into him, knocking out his Chaos Emerald and pushing him towards the exit door until he rolled out into the street. — CLOSE THE DOORS!!! RUN-RUN-RUN!!! — Vector shouted and together with Espio and Charmy began to close the door. She closed her mouth very slowly while Shadow came to his senses. — Get roll out of here, faker! — the blue hedgehog said rudely to him behind the door before it had time to close completely. — FREEDOM!!! — everyone shouted with joy. — GOODBYE, SHADOW!!! — Eggman shouted. The ultimate life form remained on the street, not knowing how he could go back and convince everyone, and began to feel sad.

***

      Night fell, and the Poor Life Form was now walking along the street, hanging his head and thinking, did he really catch the virus and get sick? This means that he is not at all the ultimate life form, as he always considered himself and boasted to everyone. He realized that now he would probably be left alone on the street forever and die from the virus. Only at night the moon will be his unreliable companion. Sitting on a fence in the park, as if on a bench, he racked his brains and whispered to himself: — I can't help... I can't help anyone. He noticed a white beam shining behind him. He turned around and saw a large and full moon, on which the face of a unicorn was displayed in the form of craters. The black hedgehog looked closely at the moon and noticed that its face came to life, speaking to him: — It’s time to face your fears, Shadow! — AH!!! — Shadow was scared, deciding that he had probably already died and was being taken to Paradise. He couldn't resist being frightened and fell into a trash can. Waking up in it, he realized that he was lying among the garbage and came to terms with it. — Serves me right! I deserved this punishment, because I was sick all this time and hid it from my friends. Now I have no reason to live. It would be better if they sent me to a landfill and burned me in a furnace, for I am a mistake of nature that should never have happened. — having said all this out loud, echoing from behind the walls of the trash can, he closed his eyes and cried bitterly, like a girl. — It's okay, Shad. — Shadow heard someone's voice. A hedgehog exactly like Shadow, named Craig, stuck his head into the trash can, only instead of scarlet stripes he had green stripes. — Don't come near me, I'm infected. — Shadow intimidated him. — Don't worry, we are infected too. — Craig answered. — What, what are you talking about? — the black and scarlet one didn’t understand. — Yes! — Sam looked into the trash can, also completely similar to Shadow, but with blue stripes instead of red. — Yes! — Mephilis looked in, remaining in the guise of Shadow with gray colors instead of red. Next, Shadow clones with pink, purple and yellow colors instead of red looked into the tank. All these hedgehogs were completely similar to Shadow himself in appearance and differed only in the colors of the stripes on the needles. And besides, all these hedgehogs, except Mephelis, were smiling. For the first time in his life, the imultimate life form was so glad and so happy from what he saw.

***

      Shadow found himself in a new house, where hedgehogs similar to him live calmly and peacefully. They were having a party at their house. Someone stood to the side, hugging each other's shoulders and grinning at the others. Some sat on the sofa and watched TV, some raised their arms up and danced, waving their palms and swaying their hips, and some played the electric guitar. — Ho-ho. You're brilliant, Shadow. — Craig admired. — Yapi-i-i-i!

The End