Autumn

Family She wanted to believe that everything she was thinking about would be a fantasy of an inflamed brain. That now she would wake up in her grandmother’s apartment and everything would be as before. Sunny day and rays that flood the room with their light, a light melody on the radio and summer, holidays. You’re lying on the bed and looking at the carpet hanging on the wall, and on the opposite side there’s a bunch of different sets that no one will use — only if it’s for a funeral or a wedding. You get out of bed, and your heart is light and warm from the fact that everything is at home and everything is fine. You go to the kitchen, and there she stands-gray-haired and wrinkled, but so native and homely. She stands and makes pancakes, because today is Sunday, and her beloved granddaughter arrived yesterday from school after a terrible cold. You sit down and eat pancakes, and she sits next to you, eats them with jam and drinks tea. And at once your heart feels so warm and good, as if a scarf is wrapped around you, and you are no longer afraid of anything, and nothing threatens you anymore, and all the troubles are left somewhere yesterday. Dank city streets, cold city apartments groaning with loneliness… And here you are, warm and cozy, and you don’t need to go anywhere else, and life stops for a moment, and — happiness — you finally feel it. And in the evening, the brothers will arrive together with their parents and stepfather, and everyone will sit down at a common table and, under meatballs and fried potatoes, begin to talk about all their troubles and fears. And everyone will feel safe, and no one will leave anyone, and no one will leave anyone. And the warm light of the lamps will burn in the apartment. And after a big dinner, everyone will sit down to read in warm beds — they have been waiting all day to finally send you to the realm of Morpheus. And you will fall asleep, not afraid of anything, under the quiet singing of your grandmother. And everything will be fine. You’re ten years old, and you’re still a long way from horror and grief. Exams, heartbreak, and work are so far away. You are small, free and loved.