Left side, Right side.

Our relationship was cut short by death itself. It’s a strange feeling when you’re on your knees, unable to say anything else goodbye to the person you love. To the person who was with you until the very end. Who carried out an excessively cruel, inhuman plan with you. Every link is defective. I'm deprived of oxygen in my chest, and as soon as I hear the almost timid "Three", my finger presses hard on the trigger, as if afraid to press too lightly and not get a bullet in the jaw. But still I get it, and the last thing I hear is the sound of a gun firing. No pain, instant death, after which the powerless body fell to the side, on the shoulder. On the first of May two thousand and three I died. I don’t know what the afterlife is like, because I found myself in a pitch-black void completely without feelings. I felt myself blinking, opening my eyes, breathing, inhaling frosty cold through my nose. But I heard nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing. I found myself locked in a sentient prison with no hope or keys. My consciousness continued to hammer into me the words “Everything will be fine” and “There is always a way out.” But there was no way out. Am I really going to stay here forever? I don’t know how crazy I was while I was shooting at my classmates, but now I felt like my psyche was sliding into the opposite direction of the bottom. I don't know how much time has passed, but obviously it's too much. It seemed like several years had passed. Why am I not in hell yet? Or is this real hell? Eternal psychological torture, without the opportunity to look at your loved one again for even a second. Only the features and the image stand before the eyes when they manage to visualize at least something else besides this killing, tearing the mind to shreds abyss. After another (approximately) two years spent locked here, I had another thought - hell is personalized. Exactly. Perhaps Andre suffers as much as I do? He probably misses me, just as much as I miss him? I want to believe in this nonsense with all my soul, because I have nothing and no one left. I’m completely alone here, I can’t even scream because words just won’t come out. My legs are tired of carrying me forward through this darkness. I wind the same circles on this surface, but there are no walls or ground, as if I were walking on air. My last moral strength is running out, and I’m almost losing my real self. Who am i? Why did I end up here? Who was I in a past life that I received such a severe punishment? I couldn't be that bad, right? I have suffered for my sins for thousands of years, please just let me go! No matter where, anywhere, but away from here! SOS. Help. They plunged me into darkness. They won't let go. They won't come for me. I feel terribly cold in this eternal peace. I woke up. Sharply opening my eyes, for the first time in several years I feel that I am alive again. I didn’t fully regain consciousness after that, so I don’t know what to think yet. But for the first time in my life, I am glad for the incredibly acute pain that came to me along with the meaning. I looked around, but was only blinded by the bright white light and closed my eyes. My head is pounding, and I somehow catch the unfamiliar voices of several adults: – Clinical death lasted twelve seconds... The patient is alive, but is in a serious condition for life. Ah, so that's it... I found myself back in the place I was desperately trying to escape from.

***

After a few days I felt much better. The almost killing pain subsided, and only the annoying, ever-unpleasant pressure on the forehead remained. No one was allowed to see me except various doctors who didn’t ask me about anything other than my condition. I was only glad about this. I don’t want my parents, relatives, psychiatrists, anyone to visit me, talk to me. However, I couldn’t even move my hands, and I spoke somehow, completely, in my opinion, indistinctly. I was really looking forward to the moment when I could move. Even if I was given a second chance at life, it doesn't mean I wanted it. I want to leave here again as soon as possible. It’s a pity that I’m not in a state and position where I can just ask a nurse or someone else to just inject me with something so that I’m sure to die. What’s more, I couldn’t even try to smash my head against the wall, the severe stiffness of my movements prevented me from doing so.

***

Several weeks have passed, now I know for sure. My parents still visited me, but I didn’t want it. One time Andre’s parents even came and told me that he died on the spot that damned day, and the funeral took place two weeks ago. I was surprised that I had not yet received insults and words of hatred addressed to me... After all, didn’t I deserve this for what happened on the first of May?

***

On the third of July, they brought a pen and a small notebook to my room so that I could track my physical condition. Something like a patient's diary. As soon as I was alone in the room again, I untied the bandage tightly wrapped around my neck, and, mentally counting to three, stuck the pen into my carotid artery with all my might. It’s unlikely that anyone would have come to me at that very second, because there were no CCTV cameras in the room. I could hope for a peaceful death, albeit an excessively painful and unpleasant one.

***

This time I found myself in darkness again. And just in the cracks of my brain the thought slipped through that I was not destined to die again, I heard Andre’s voice calling me to him. As fast as I could, I rushed towards him, my legs quickly covering God knows what distances of the abyss. After eight years of running, I finally saw him, Andre. He looked at me with a soft smile and waited for me to run closer to him. And I found myself next to him, close. From incredible happiness, my heart ached in my chest, and I silently hugged him, quietly crying into his shoulder. Andre hugged me back, pulling my body closer to his. His gentle touch was the only thing I missed so much that made me want to die. My tears remained in small stains on his T-shirt when I pulled away and was able to look into his sweet face. Lump in the throat. "I was waiting for you." How I wanted to hear these words. I have been patient for so many years for this moment to finally come. We will be together again, no matter where. Just let us be here...