Who am I without you?

      How many times have I already seen this dream? I can’t even count now. But as I watch it I feel exactly the same things as on the first day: the strongest pain I’ve ever felt in my life and extreme happiness at the same time. When I watch it I desire with my whole soul the dream not to come to its end. Exactly like now.       Luz was standing right in front of me squeezing my thin fingers softly and looking into my eyes with such a huge love that nobody will be able to describe or even to understand clearly. And this love was being directed only to me and to nobody else. She was smiling to me, and I was smiling to her through tears too. “The God gave you to me, I don’t need anything else. Just don’t leave me. Don’t go away from me again, I’m begging you…” I thought looking at my lover that was so… alive now. “No, no, I don’t want to wake up.”       “I love you, Amity,” she said and hugged me so strong I couldn’t even breath. As she had done the day before. And two days before. And the week before. And as she had been doing every single day in my dreams after her death. Nevertheless, everything I wanted now was to freeze this moment, to stop it forever, just in order not to get awake lying alone in the cold bed, but to stay in such the warm cuddles… As usual. But I knew what would happen next and also knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it.       Suddenly Luz screamed like of pain so loud that I got as terrified as on that day that, I believe, I’ll remember forever. I wasn’t even able to react in time as she disappeared in my shaking arms with thousands of sparks giving out a bright gold light and levitating above the floor. In the next second I fell into the black nowhere having no powers even to cry.       I woke up in the Owl house (I came to Eda for this weekend as I’d already done twice because I just couldn’t stay with my mom in one house sometimes, especially when that got too dangerous for my freedom and self-assessment) with cold sweat on my forehead and my back. I dropped my sleepy gaze at the clock. Four a.m. Great.       I had absolutely no intention to fall asleep again because I knew I would see the same fucking images of things that had happened a long time ago and that my mind reminds me without my agreement or wish of. I wasn’t ready to go through it one more time now, and, to be honest, I didn’t really want to sleep because of such the horrible mood I got after the dream or, to be correct, after the nightmare. I stood up with a tortured sigh and came to the closed window and looked out of it: the pale face of the moon was lazily illuminating with its silvery shine the tops of the tall trees, which were seeming menacing and gloomy in such an ambiance, and the soft emerald-green grass that was looking kinda grey-blue because of this magnificent lighting. Yes, the moon definitely gave this simple landscape an indescribable atmosphere.       I leaned on the window frame with my elbows and looked in front of me, into the distance. I didn’t know what I felt, because everything I had in my heart was an emptiness and such a terrible desolation I couldn’t even think as if I was a lonely stone at the bottom of a lake being surrounded on all sides by quiet stagnant water and equally silent algae… “Gosh, it’s so stuffy in there!” I thought abruptly and opened the window with one sharp movement.       I returned to my previous position and once again fixed my gaze afar keeping the cool breezy night wind in my face. “She is gone…” I returned to my daily routine that was about thinking of Luz for the whole day again. Of course, when I had to work on the islands' reconstruction I didn’t really have the opportunity to think of anything, but when I stayed alone I could keep only this stuff on my mind.       Yes, she was gone. I mean, she really was. Forever. But every part of me desperately didn’t want to accept the fact that I would never see her again, never tell her how much I love her, I would never be touched by the way she blushes shyly when I compliment her… I wanted her back.       That shouldn’t had happened, I thought. I had blamed myself for her death every day, every second spent without Luz. “I had to protect her… But I was too weak to fight when she needed it.” I had had to sacrifice myself instead of her, I had had to shield Collector, to get that deadly titan’s ray and to die… but not Luz, definitely not. Yes, we had defeated Belos somehow, but that hadn’t helped us to return my human back.       “Hey, Amity,” someone’s voice interrupted my gloomy thoughts, “You okay?” I faced the door that led into my room and saw Hunter sticking his blond head out of the doorway and holding onto the door handle. He was also the guest here: he had been asked to help with reconstruction of everything Belos destroyed on the islands. He didn’t actually have home in this world after all the actions happened three months ago, so Eda let him live in her house and gave him his own room. I remember Camila had been suggesting Hunter to move to her once, but he decided not to disturb her during these hard months. I personally thought he had had to support Luz’s mother and to stay with her (I mean, well, she had formally adopted him and had got all the needed documents for this as she had found out he had no family at all, so he was her child as well, that’s why it would be logical if he did it), but I had absolutely no right to criticize him — if I knew it better, why wouldn’t I do that on my own? After all, I had been Luz’s girlfriend and close to their family. To be honest, I had no courage to look into Camila’s eyes and to apologize for my weakness, for the worst mess in my life. I just couldn’t. And Hunter, I believe, felt the same.       Hunter’s worried gaze was directed to me.       “Huh? Why are you awake?” I said. How did he know? I was pretty quiet, I’m absolutely sure…       “I have no clue, to be honest,” he said shrugging his shoulders. “I just heard a noise from your room — you know, I got much more sensitive after Flapjack healed me. I thought that were your steps, so I decided to ask you if you’re alright.” He went into the room and smiled me a bit. “So?” he asked.       “That’s kinda strange reason to come here, Hunter,” I answered. “I could just get up for a sec to drink water or whatever. But yeah, I’m fine. Pretty fine.”       “I don’t believe you, Amity,” Hunter spoke with upset expression. “Look, I can fully understand you. I can’t live without Willow, she is my little comfortable world where I’ll always be loved and waited for. That’s why that life where I wouldn’t have Willow can’t be even imagined by myself. Nevertheless, you have to do it every day, and I see how your heart hurts.”       “You understand hella nothing!” I heightened my voice tone even though everyone else in the house was sleeping right now. “She has never left you! Never! But Luz did, and after her passing away I died inside, too… In my soul, instead of a blooming field, there is only scorched earth left. She took it with her,” I almost whispered like I lost all my strength again.       “I know,” sighed Hunter turning his head from me slightly and looking down sadly. “That’s why I want to support you, girl,” he added and came closer to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked up with his puppy eyes at me. “None of us accepted that she’s not here anymore. But, you know, you should move on. Your life isn’t finished yet.”       “No, it is, Hunter,” I said quietly and turned my head to the moon that was being ready to go away from the night sky already. “It’s not a life anymore. It’s just being.” Gosh, I’m so tired of this…       The sharp-eared wizard didn’t answer anything. He just hugged me in silence appeared between us, and I wasn’t able to hold on anymore. I teared up on his shoulder, unable to properly express the emotions that instantly burst beyond the farthest corners of my heart, and my hot tears burned my cheeks.       “She… she shouldn’t have passed away, that’s all my fault…” I spoke through sobs. “Amity, no, that’s not so,” whispered Hunter. After a long pause he continued, “Gosh, I want so much to do anything, so that you feel better, Amity. And I feel weak when I realize I can’t even imagine what it can be. It’s so hurtful to see you suffering and not to be able to help…”       I didn’t know when it all was going to come to the end. I’d been waiting for these three long months it would get easier for me finally to accept this situation… But it still didn’t. I squeezed Hunter’s shoulders stronger and spoke something unintelligible into his neck.       In a few minutes all my tears were over, I let Hunter out of my arms, walked over to the bed and sat down exhausted on it, resting my elbows on my knees. “You should leave me alone,” I said to him with a quiet and powerless voice. “But thank you,” I added not looking at my friend anymore.       “Okay… Call me, if, you know, you need help or whatever,” he answered and came out of the room after I nodded.       I glanced out the window, where dawn was already breaking. Another day began, and I wasn’t ready for it. I knew I had to move on, as Hunter had said, I knew I can’t live in past. But I just couldn’t overcome myself, couldn’t be strong. Even if I was a witch with a big power… I was helpless. “Does it mean I’m not a witch? Not that witch anymore?” I thought and touched my sharp ears. “I… I have no clue, who I am. My identity, my personality, everything died. I’m no more that Amity.”       Yes, I definitely fell apart.       What should I do? How should I cope with it?       “Who am I without you?..”