Six cigarettes after sex

      Today was an important day for her. Something inside her broke today. Somewhere deep inside, it hurt so much that she wanted to double up, fall at Loki's feet, howl, and curse him, blaming him for all sins.       After a sleepless night spent on the cold windowsill of his bedroom, she woke Loki up as usual with the first rays of the sun. She helped him get out of bed, made the silk-covered bed, prepared a warm bath, helped him wash, then dried the man, combed his black, tar-like hair, helped him get dressed, and served breakfast, as she always stood nearby, watching him eat. Loki never allowed her to eat with him. In the whole year that she thought they were together, she never once sat with him at the same table.       Each of these rituals, actions that she had been doing day after day throughout the whole year spent in the palace, no longer seemed to her like a mystery, a gift from the cunning god to her.       "I'm not the love of his life, I'm not a lover, not even a friend, I'm a servant, a concubine, his captive maiden," she thought, standing behind and trying to hide in the shadow of the columns of his bedroom.       During the day, when the palace was filled with the buzz of cheerful voices and unfamiliar people were bustling back and forth with smiles on their faces, the girl habitually followed Loki, holding his green cloak so it wouldn't drag on the marble floor.       "Loki!" Suddenly, Thor blocked the way.       Happy, smiling as ever, he gently held Jane Foster by the waist, the very girl from Earth who loved him. And in return, he loved her.       "My brother!"       "What an unpleasant meeting so early in the morning," the dark-haired god said instead of a greeting, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice.       "Sif returned from Midgard," Thor let the brother's words go in one ear and out the other, "and guess who she brought along with her?"       With Jane in his arms, the God of Thunder hurried towards the rainbow bridge, chuckling merrily.       Loki abruptly jerked away, forgetting that she was holding his cloak. Startled, the girl lost her balance and slumped to the floor.       "Oh damn you!" Loki cursed, turning around. "Get up, take the cloak and hurry after me! Who allowed you to crawl around on your knees?"       His sharp voice echoed in the spacious corridor, drowning out the crackling somewhere inside her. It seemed that something broke.       And how had she not seen before how he treated her? What was he doing? How could she have seen love? How could she have believed in it? It felt like something had snapped in her soul, or maybe even in her very soul itself.       The rest of the day passed as usual: in complete submission to Loki and indulging all of his desires. However, the smile and happiness in her eyes were not the same as before, they were not sincere.

***

             In the evening, she tried to express all the pain that had built up inside her to Loki. As they headed to his bedroom, when he slowly began undressing her, kissing her neck, collarbones, shoulders, hands... she tried to convey all her feelings to him. She responded with such passion that darkness clouded her eyes, she caressed him with such tenderness, bitterness, and reckless fervor that the high walls of the palace trembled from Loki's moans. And on that evening, on that night, for the first time, waves of pleasure engulfed them both simultaneously.              And when, afterwards, he praised her for the passion with which she had surrendered herself to him during sex, the broken part of her soul shattered completely. She wanted to scream, to cry, but the girl just smiled and obediently lowered her head, making sure he didn't see how she bit her lip and what exactly was reflected in her eyes. It was her choice for which she blamed herself. Such was her life, the result of her choice. She had chosen to surrender to Loki, she allowed herself to fall in love with him, with his beautiful eyes, cunning smile, and long fingers that so skillfully caressed her almost every night.       Loki fell asleep. Lying on his stomach, he spread his arms in different directions, buried his head in the pillow, and fell asleep. She quietly got up, covered his naked body with the same silk blanket, and, grabbing a pack of Midgardian cigarettes from the nightstand, walked over to the wide windowsill.       After a few seconds, perched on the cold marble, she blew smoke trails towards the high ceiling, watching Asgard at night with sadness. The bitter cigarette smoldered between her fingers, promising relief after another day. But the relief never came.       Taking a deep drag, she exhaled the hazy smoke towards the ceiling, pressing her forehead against the glass. It seemed that tears welled up in her eyes, as the beautiful golden city in the distance began to blur.       "Loki..." she moaned silently.       "How blind I was... how long I was by your side. I felt something inside me break today, but you know... now it feels like everything inside me broke a long time ago. I'm broken."       She closed her eyes and brought the shaking cigarette to her lips. Another drag, the taste of bitterness in her mouth, and tears fell from her lashes. She would remember all of this for a long time, she would remember him for the rest of her life...       "Forgive me, Loki, forgive me for my love. Someday I will leave, turn away, not shed a tear, and leave. Someday, but not today.       Forgive me, Loki...”