Tomorrow

Like almost every day, Jinshi was sitting once again at his desk in his office. With the usual, never-ending mountain of paperwork and a cup of tea in front of him and his aide Gaoshun standing behind him like a shadow, hiding his hands in his sleeves. However, there was something amiss, something belying the apparent tranquility that was reigning in that room. No, not the dark circles around Jinshi's eyes, even though they did seem even more pronounced than usual, a proof that he hadn't been sleeping well — or even at all — during the previous night once again. And neither was it the wind, blowing loudly outside, nor Gaoshun’s furrowed brow. It was the look in Jinshi's eyes as he was staring down at the document he was reading right now. Or rather, trying to read, since he just couldn't focus no matter how hard he tried and was forced to pass his gaze over the text again and again. But in vain. It was a look of devastation, of discouragement, mixed with several emotions, none of them a positive one, and accentuated even further by the way he was holding his brush, gripping it so tightly his knuckles had turned white. And also by his other hand that was lying on his desk, clenched into a fist. Gaoshun was looking at him with worry. He knew his master basically since the latter’s birth, so it didn’t take long for him to understand that something bad must have happened, but chose to stay silent. He didn’t know how he would be able to help, anyway, and, being a middle-aged man, was also feeling a bit too old to deal with a youngster’s personal problems. But Gaoshun’s heart was not of stone, and seeing the young noble, who was like a third son to him, in such a state still pained him greatly. So after some pondering, he opened his mouth after all, especially since he noticed that Jinshi didn’t seem to advance in doing his work that day at all. “Sir?” Jinshi grumbled to indicate that he was listening, without turning around to face him. “Speak.” “Are you perhaps feeling unwell? Should I summon Xiaomao to take a look at you?” As soon as these words had left Gaoshun’s lips, he saw his lord’s body jerk violently, as if struck by an arrow. “No. Don’t. I’m alright.” It had sounded almost like a growl. The line between Gaoshun’s brows deepened even further, as he witnessed that unusual behavior. He knew it. Something must have happened. Something between Jinshi and the apothecary girl, for the young man would usually be overjoyed by the mere idea of seeing her. But now it seemed as if he didn’t even want to hear her name. “As you say, my lord.” But if Jinshi wished to pretend that it was nothing, then Gaoshun had no other choice than to play along. He couldn’t force him to talk, after all. After another few minutes of a tense silence enveloping the room, Jinshi’s shoulders finally slumped. He let out a sigh. “Gaoshun.” The latter snapped out of his thoughts upon hearing his name. “Yes, sir?” “Would you mind leaving me alone for now? I will call for you when I need you.” Gaoshun was slightly taken aback, not knowing what he should reply to that first, but as he was about to open his mouth, Jinshi turned around to him. His expression made the aide swallow any objection that might have formed in his mind. “Very well.” Thus, Gaoshun merely bowed and headed to the door, planning to stay close to the office in case his lord changed his mind and called him back. Once he was gone, Jinshi allowed himself to let out another deep sigh and ran his free hand through his hair, disheveling it slightly. A few drops of sweat fell from his forehead and onto the document in front of him, but he didn’t care about that in the slightest. The wind outside had gotten even more intense, and raindrops started falling from the sky, drumming wildly against the window. Similar to the thunderstorm that was currently raging in Jinshi’s heart. It was pointless. Trying not to think about what had happened the previous evening was utterly impossible. The words Maomao had said to him didn't stop resounding over and over in his head. Her words after he had voiced his intention of never giving up on her. It was extremely painful, even worse than being actually stabbed by a sword. His grip around the brush tightened even more, threatening to break it apart, to snap it into two. Exactly the same way his dilemma was about to break him. A rather unfamiliar, hot wave of anger flared up inside him, boiling his blood and making him want to scream and punch the wall with his fist. It was unbelievable! How could she have said something like that to him? How could she not see that he needed nobody else but her? What the hell could he do in order to demonstrate it to her, when she categorically refused to even listen?! With all these thoughts exploding inside him, he started to take deep breaths, trying to calm down. To return to his usual composed demeanor, for losing control wouldn't get him anywhere. But he couldn't. That was the reason he had sent Gaoshun away; his aide’s reprimands were the last thing he needed right now. No. He wasn't able to work like that. As upset, agitated and completely exhausted after having gone through an entirely sleepless night. Jinshi snorted. Ha! What an irony! Always scolding him for nor resting properly, she now had become yet another reason for him not being able to sleep at night. What a huge irony! He almost wanted to laugh out loud. Giving up entirely on his attempt to get any work done, he placed the brush on the desk, got up and started to walk to and fro in his office, holding his head with both hands and gritting his teeth as if he was in pain. The frustration was unbearable. And yet… After a while, he stepped back towards his desk and stood there, resting one of his hands on it while the other one was covering his eyes. It slowly slid down, revealing a gaze not anymore of anger, but of unspeakable sadness. Did she really not notice just how special she was to him? Seriously? But she was, she really was. Since Jinshi had spent so many years in the rear palace, he was pretty much used to being surrounded by a lot of women, but never cared for them. Yes, it was true that he had often played his charms before their eyes, but only to manipulate them, to play with them. It had never been anything serious. He just found it fun how a smile of his was enough to make them do almost whatever he wanted. A game. And no matter how lovely the women themselves were, he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except for uneasiness when a few of them went overboard and started stalking him. He shuddered at the memory of what some women (and also men) had already tried with him. That was the reason only a few selected people were allowed into his office, and even fewer into his private chambers. The mere thought of letting strangers enter his most private spaces, of having concubines, being forced to sleep with someone he barely knew, was utterly sickening to him. More than he could ever express with words. But one day, Maomao had come into his life and let him feel things he had never felt before. She was the only one he wanted to be together with, the only woman he wanted to marry, the only one treating him like a human being. The only one he was able to show his true personality. The first woman he had ever fallen in love with. But ironically also the only one who didn't want to have that kind of relationship with him and was immune to his advances. Her not being blinded by his looks was truly both a curse and a blessing… Why? Why was life so cruel? Why was the first and only woman he ever wanted to share his future with not interested in him in the slightest? What had he done to deserve that? Now, Jinshi was very much aware that he actually didn't really need to put in so much effort. Due to his high position, he could have Maomao's body anytime if he so wished, he could just ignore her objections and force her to become his consort. Being as aware of their difference in status as she was, he was sure she would obey his commands if it really came to that. But that was completely out of the question for him. What he wanted most of all was to conquer her heart, not a relationship lord-servant nor a forced marriage. He wished that she would love him for real, enjoy being with him as much as he enjoyed being with her. To spend time with him because she wished so herself. But how could he achieve that? He had no clue. Feeling a lump in his throat, he swallowed heavily and covered his eyes again. As things stood right now, these dreams of his might very well never turn into reality. Well, maybe he should do it like in the romance novels and promise her eternal love and happiness… Jinshi let out a laugh. No, of course not! He wasn’t such a naive fool, and Maomao even less! If he did such a stupid thing, she would never take him seriously again! Novels could be molded using the author's fantasy, but there was no way to bend reality as one wished, for life wasn’t a novel. It could be changed by one’s actions, that was true, but never be controlled like characters written on paper. So Jinshi could try everything he could, but, except for rare medical ingredients, he couldn’t promise Maomao anything. And certainly not a life of eternal happiness. Or even happiness at all. But she was precious to him, and he wanted her to be happy. And when was he seeing her truly elated? Right, when it was about medicine and poisons. Being an apothecary was what was making her happy. Jinshi flinched slightly, and the nails of his right hand dug into his left arm as a sharp pain stabbed right through his chest and one simple, but very cruel and agonizing fact emerged in his mind: Maomao could lead a happy life without him. She didn't need him. And as much as he wanted to push that thought aside, he was perfectly aware of that. But he did need her, his life wasn't complete without her anymore, and true happiness was only possible with her by his side. He had realized as much. That was the reason he would still do his best to reach her, despite everything she said. What an egoist he was, right? Jinshi sighed. Yes, he was. But he really couldn't help it, since her presence alone helped him forget his troubles and sorrows. Never had he felt that at ease with another person before, not even with the ones who had raised him. But… it wasn't the same for Maomao, right? Plus, every step or action he took would only limit her freedom, and he truly didn't want that. After all, he was seeing with his own eyes what kind of life the imperial consorts were leading, and Maomao didn't deserve such a fate. He didn't want to put her into a golden cage. Making her miserable was something he wanted to avoid at all cost. But how? Was there even a way? A way for them to be happy together? He swallowed once more, perceiving a bitter taste in his mouth. Or maybe… he should… just let her go… for real? His eyes widened and his pupils contracted. That thought was so terrifying that it made his breath hitch for a couple of seconds. His heart twitched painfully. No! He couldn't! Impossible! Jinshi finally returned to his chair and slumped down on it. Then he shoved the documents aside and placed his elbows on the desk, clutching his head. And aside from all that, there was also all the danger he was putting her through, just due to the fact that he was who he was. Involuntary, of course, but still. Danger that couldn’t even be compared to the things she was doing to herself, of which her bandaged arm was the proof. He was more than aware that he couldn’t protect her every second, there was only so much he could do. The world was cruel, life was cruel, and no one was able to predict what would happen or whether they would even live to see the next day. He himself had almost been killed several times, and she as well. For now, they had both escaped with their lives, but the future was a very uncertain thing. No one knew what misery it could possibly bring. But then again, he was also suffering from a constant fear that someone else might take Maomao away from him, which led him to suspiciously eye basically every man who dared to approach her. Even despite all these aforementioned thoughts, he would never be able to bear seeing her with another man! Jinshi stared at his now trembling hands, almost suffocating from his conflicting thoughts and feelings… …no, whatever hurdles were lying on the way, there was no going back. He had hopelessly fallen for her. He pressed his forehead against the desk, closed his eyes and once again started to remember what had happened the previous evening: The two of them were sitting next to each other on a bench outside in the dark in silence. After having thought about the right words to say, Jinshi had turned to face her and spoke in a determined tone: “Listen, Maomao, I am not going to give up on you!” He saw her flinch, but before he could add anything else, he noticed that she was about to get up and leave. Escaping again, huh? Jinshi quickly wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to stop her from running away. Then he bent down and started whispering into her ear: “I will continue to hope. Maybe, you will love me one day.” Jinshi felt her tense up in his arms and held her a bit closer, trying to calm her down. Maomao didn’t say anything at first, but then suddenly lifted her head and looked right into his eyes, her face serious. He looked back, waiting for what would happen next. And that was the moment she had said these very words that would hunt him the entire night and the next day. “I still don’t understand what you see in me, Master Jinshi… nor do I think I will ever be able to love you the way you want me to. To give you what you need. Please find someone else.” It had sounded like a death sentence to him. He was so shocked that his arms went limp. Maomao freed herself and stood up, still not taking her eyes off him. And then she turned around and walked away, without looking back even once. While he himself was staying seated on that bench, one of his hands stretched out into her direction, unable to do anything, too shaken to get up and follow her. Just helplessly and anxiously watching how his only light in the darkness was disappearing into the night. Snapping out of his memories, Jinshi gritted his teeth, and one of his hands wandered to his chest, clutching his clothes right where his heart was. These thoughts hurt, her words hurt, and his feelings for her also hurt. Love wasn't as wonderful and fantastic as told by novels and songs. Love was painful. More painful than any physical wound he had ever gotten. Or more precisely, one-sided love. But maybe Maomao would eventually develop some feelings for him, despite everything. Some day, in a distant future… Jinshi would still try everything in his might to make that happen, to eliminate all the hindrances and obstacles that stood in their way. Who knew, maybe time would be on his side, after all. As shattered as his hope currently was, it wasn't completely gone, its shards still remained inside him. Perhaps, he would eventually manage to get a special place in Maomao's heart. Most likely not tomorrow, but maybe in a few months or years… Jinshi vowed that there would never be another woman in his life. He would wait for Maomao, no matter how long it would take.