You're the best

The concert was over. The crowd gave a deafening howl, thanking the band for their performance. The fans began to disperse, discussing how awesome it was to be here tonight. The band members were happy with their performance too, hugging each other in the dressing room and slapping each other’s hands. Emu was glowing with joy, Nene smiling demurely as she looked on. Tsukasa, tired and happy, kept saying that the four of them were destined for success. Everyone remained delighted with today’s performance. Everyone except Rui. From the last sound of their song until he was alone in the dressing room, he smiled a strained smile at everyone, feeling a terrible guilt that turned to anger at himself—he’d gotten the notes wrong a couple of times during the performance, and he’d almost forgotten the words. What did it matter? No one noticed, and even if they did, it didn’t matter, right? But not to Rui. The guy knows how much his group practiced for this concert, how much effort it took them to pull it off perfectly. And he couldn’t even sing his part without mistakes. The lights were blindingly bright in the empty dressing room, and the silence, so contrasting to the noise of the concert, was diluted for Rui only by his frequent breathing. He leaned his hands on the table, trying to gather his thoughts. Everyone had already left, and he should go. But his body had gone soft and wouldn’t listen. All that’s in his head is “Horrible, horrible, horrible.” Again he felt sick to his stomach, at how stupid he was, at the fact that no one around him had told him of his mistake, as if they hadn’t expected Rui to do anything worthwhile. Exhaling, he straightened up and looked around. The emptiness of the room felt too sharp to ignore. Why had everyone left without him? Once again, he was alone. The worst of the group, needed by no one, useless. Slowly taking off his concert attire, he tried not to think about anything—when his head was empty, he felt better. He didn’t hear footsteps approaching, or the door opening abruptly, only Tsukasa’s ringing voice: — Why are you stuck, Rui! Come on, let’s go! Kamishiro froze, then turned around, looking questioningly. —Where shall we go? — he asked quietly, puzzled. Tsukasa rolled his eyes. —You’re flying around in the clouds, aren’t you? Let’s go home to my place! For a sleepover. You promised me you’d come! —Ah, —Rui said, then smiled awkwardly, —yes, of course. “Did I really promise that?” —I’ve already even bought us food from the vending machine downstairs, and you’re still wearing concert pants. Pants off! Hurry up! Did you know that everyone left a long time ago? This place is empty! I want to go home, too, —Tsukasa said, turning away to avoid staring at the guy changing clothes. Quickly putting on his casual clothes, Rui gave Tsukasa a fake smile, and together they walked out of the building, heading for the subway. Tenma’s cheerful voice praising the concert, the emotions alternating on his face, and his wide smile knocked all the negativity out of Rui’s thoughts, making him grin back.

***

Tsukasa had no one at his house tonight, and he’d been waiting for a chance to invite Rui over for a sleepover for a long time. He probably doesn’t even notice, but Tsukasa is so excited to be alone in the house with the man he’s in love with all night. His heart is racing. Now, for the next few hours, Rui belongs to him: looking only at him, talking only to him. Tsukasa genuinely thinks Rui is awesome. The best in their group, the best on the whole stage, the best leader! Smart, funny, so funny. Of course Tenma is always jealous of him, so awesome, so interesting to everyone, so mysterious, even if he doesn’t even show it, and he only wants Rui to be with him. Opening the front door, Tsukasa tells himself there’s no turning back from now on. I need to confess to Rui today. It’s the perfect time! —Welcome! —Tsukasa smiles as he ushers his guest into the hallway. A nice, cozy house describes Tenma and his family perfectly. It makes you want to stay here, want to be happy. They leave their outerwear and shoes behind, walking into Tsukasa’s room. There are posters of music bands and movies, figurines of game and anime characters on the shelves, and a desk full of textbooks, but it’s clean. Rui thought of the mess he had made in his house, a mess he couldn’t bear to clean up. —So, — Tsukasa took the things from Kamishiro’s hands and set them on his big bed, —you get settled in, and I’ll get us something to eat. —I’m going to take a shower, okay? —Sure…— Tsukasa didn’t know why he was blushing, but he hurriedly retreated to the kitchen to put the snacks he’d bought on plates. When he returned to the empty room with the food, he changed into his pajamas and turned on the movie he’d chosen to watch a long time ago. But Rui kept not coming back. Then Tsukasa just lay there, trying to calm his heart. “Oh my god, Rui will be lying in the same bed with me, so close, oh my god… I have to confess to him. I’ll do it. What’s the best way? Maybe I should just blurt it out without thinking.” Suddenly, the realization came to him that he hadn’t given Rui a towel or pajamas-nothing. Maybe that was why Kamishiro was taking so long to come out? Grabbing a clean t-shirt and pajama pants from his closet, he went to the bathroom, where the muffled sound of water was coming from. Knocking three times on the door, he pulled the knob toward him. —Ru-ui, I’m coming in! —he said in a pretentiously loud voice so as not to embarrass Kamishiro, but he kept his eyes open. The sound of water turned out to be an open faucet. A warm light burned in the bathroom. Tsukasa froze wide-eyed, tearing up with a sigh-Rui stood leaning over the sink. Blood was slowly dripping from the fresh cuts on his wrists. In his hand he clutched tightly a clerical knife, its blade already stained red. The guy looked like he was flying around in his thoughts, but when Tsukasa said “What are you doing?” quietly, almost without breathing, he twitched as if from fire and hid his hands behind his back, looking directly at Tsukasa. -N-No… Nothing,” Kamishiro excused himself, catching his breath. Tsukasa couldn’t move for a couple seconds. Dropping the clothes he brought to the floor, taking a step towards the guy and running his eyes over the face opposite. —I-I took a shower and… —Rui, —Tsukasa looked dumbfounded. Walking up to Kamishiro, staring intently into his face, and then gently took hold of his elbows, pulling his arms towards him. —Show me…— he whispered, looking into eyes no less frightened than his own. And Rui relaxed his hands. Tsukasa pulled his shredded wrists to him. The blood stood out brightly against the pale skin. The cuts were long, frequent. Beneath them hid white, already healed. “How did I not notice before…?” Tsukasa’s mind raced, and then he looked up at Rui. Kamishiro could only read disappointment in the honey-colored eyes. I’ve caused trouble again. —It’s okay, just give me a minute, I’m fine, —Rui tried to smile, but it didn’t come out well. He tried to take his hands away and ran his eyes around the room, trying not to meet Tsukasa’s gaze. He was scared out of his wits and wouldn’t let the guy go anywhere. With a lump in his throat and taking the clerical knife from the other man’s palm, he placed it on the sink. Continuing to hold the guy’s wrist with one hand, Tsukasa opened the cabinet behind the mirror with the other, pulling out a first aid kit. —Let’s go, —Tsukasa said with labored breathing, pulling the boy with him into the bedroom. He obediently followed, his head down. —Tsukasa, I- Kamishiro sat down on the bed, Tenma himself sitting next to him, his mind reeling with questions. It was as if he had fallen out of reality, not realizing what was happening, and turning Rui’s wrist towards him, he began to process. —Why did you do that? —Tsukasa asked quietly, unbelievingly, arching his eyebrows at the bridge of his nose. —I’m sorry. I’m sorry, —Rui looked away. —Don’t apologize, Rui. Just tell me,” there was silence in response. —I don’t understand…—Tsukasa looked up at him. —I just… You know… Felt bad, —Rui wasn’t used to talking about his problems. Didn’t really recognize his own problems. Everything seemed petty, like it could be put off. Tsukasa carefully wrapped bandages around his injured wrists. —Why didn’t you tell me? —Rui looked at him incomprehensively. —Rui, I… I didn’t even know. How long has this been going on? —It’s… —How much? Why couldn’t you tell me? Rui, you think I wouldn’t care about something like that or something? How did you even get to this point! —Tsukasa escalated his tone as his eyes turned glassy. —You fool! Fool! And if you saw me like this, how do you think you’d feel? Rui swallowed the lump in his throat. —Rui, I really don’t understand, — Tsukasa moved closer, finishing wrapping the bandages, —Why were you doing that? Today… Today was such a great performance! And now you’ve come to visit me, — he smiled sadly/—What’s wrong? Tell me… Tell me, please. Rui covered his eyes. The words weren’t coming. He didn’t want to talk, didn’t want anything. Tsukasa suddenly lent forward, hugging the boy tightly. He didn’t move, breathing hitched.

***

After tucking Rui under the covers, Tsukasa turned off the light and lay down next to her, realizing that he was unlikely to be able to sleep. His lover had been in so much pain all this time, and he hadn’t even realized it. Was it even possible to declare feelings after such a thing? Someone truly worthy of Rui’s love would have noticed this long ago… —Tsukasa, — he said in a low whisper. The boy didn’t answer. —I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, —Tenma turned sideways and stared at the beautiful profile of Rui, now lying on his back. —I’m just… Not happy with my performance today. In general, with my work lately, and it just kind of worked itself out..... —Rui! What are you talking about?! —Tsukasa got up from his seat. —You were amazing today! —he ran his eyes over the guy’s face, trying to find a response to his words. —I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, it just wasn’t working! You were so freaking cool, and everyone noticed it! It was awesome, just like last time, and before that, please tell me you’re kidding when you say that…—but from Rui’s blank eyes, Tsukasa realized he wasn’t kidding. —Rui…—Tenma’s voice was sad, and Kamishiro couldn’t listen to it anymore. He didn’t want to scare and upset Tsukasa, it was his fault again. Tsukasa lay back on the bed, moving closer to the boy, and taking his palm, gently moved his bandaged hand closer. Intertwining their fingers, he continued to scrutinize Kamishiro’s face with his gaze, wondering what he should say now. Rui covered his eyes, turning away in the other direction. He didn’t want to feel Tsukasa’s self-pity. —Don’t do that again, okay? You always manage to do well, don’t you?” said Tenma quietly. -Talk to me. —I don’t know what I need to say,” Kamishiro whispered. —There’s nothing to say. There are no right, or wrong words here. Anything you say will be right. —Thank you… Tenma remained silent in response, continuing to hold the boy’s palm, then suddenly said: I love you. —Rui opened his eyes in surprise, turning his head back to Tsukasa, meeting his gaze. —I love you, Rui Kamishiro. You on stage, you at my house. When you sing, when you’re tired and lazy at school, when others say you’re weird or admire you-I always love you,” Rui’s heart beat faster, I love you because it’s you. You are the best.

***

Their room was silent until morning. Tsukasa, cuddled close to his lover, slept with the warmth of his body, while Rui couldn’t close his eyes from the adrenaline of the words he’d heard. Tsukasa Tenma was in love with him… The cuts on his arms were very painful, but the warmth in his chest overcame the pain.