Better than Imagined

Andrew was drunk. It was an absolute rarity for him. He never let himself get drunk, but it’d been a bad day. Some dirtbag journalist had the great idea to interview a wide number of his previous foster parents, including Cass, about how he was growing up. Some had said what they’d done for him (lies), some had said they’d loved him but had to let him go due to circumstances (partial truth), and Cass had refused to speak. Worst of all? Neil was gone due to some Moriyama commitment which meant he wouldn’t be back home until tomorrow at the earliest. He wanted to grab a knife and trace some lines on his wrists, but he’d promised Neil that he wouldn’t. So, he took a self-destructive page out of Kevin’s book, ordered more alcohol than should be allowed in an Instacart delivery, and started to drink at noon. It was now, Andrew looked out the dark skies outside the window of his and Neil’s condo, not noon. He missed Neil. He threw his phone somewhere when it started blowing up with notifications. He wished he had kept it and called Neil, even just hearing his awkward voicemail message would have made this all the more bearable. He heard the door open, “Andrew?” He heard Neil’s quiet question into the darkness. Great, he’s drunk enough that he’s actually hallucinating Neil into existence. How very sophomore year of college of him. At least Hallucination Neil can give him the comfort that real Neil can’t currently. “C’mere.” He breathes and Hallucination Neil comes over to him dutifully but doesn’t kiss him the way Andrew wants him to. Hallucination Neil takes the bottle of…he tastes his own mouth but doesn’t have an answer for what he’s drinking. Either way, Hallucination Neil takes the bottle from his hand. “Andrew, you’re drunk?” Hallucination Neil asks voice quiet. “Promised real Neil.” He says because Hallucination Neil is from his brain so he’ll understand what Andrew means. “Promised real Neil what?” He asks and of course, his perfect memory means that Hallucination Neil is just as perfectly dumb as his Neil. “No cuts. I want you to hold me.” Andrew extends his arms. He wants a hug. “Where?” Hallucination Neil asks because even Hallucination Neil asks. “Anywhere.” He says and means it. “Andrew, you’re not in a place to consent to me touching you anywhere.” Hallucination Neil says with a frown. “I want you to hold me,” Andrew repeats. “I wanted that all day.” He says it because he remembers hugging Neil’s sweatshirts until they smelt like Andrew instead of Neil. “Then only your shoulders and up.” Hallucination Neil says this because those are always safe spots for real Neil and Andrew feels like he’s falling for Hallucination Neil. “Whatever, just do it.” Andrew pleads and Hallucination Neil gives him a warm hug. It feels amazing and he’s impressed by his brain’s ability to recreate this. Hallucination Neil strokes his hair and Andrew sighs and nuzzles into Hallucination Neil’s neck. He's impressed that he's nailed the texture of Neil's raised scars against his cheek. They sit like that for a long time. Andrew breathes in deeply, Hallucination Neil smells just like real Neil, he’s sure if he can get all the small things right then Hallucination Neil's dick will feel just as good as real Neil’s. “I want you to fuck me.” He mumbles into Hallucination Neil’s neck because he does. He wants Hallucination Neil to split him open and fill him up with all the goodness that he feels about real Neil. Hallucination Neil stiffens in his arms and Andrew tries to hold onto Hallucination Neil, but he finds himself alone on the couch, and Hallucination Neil has slipped through his fingers. “Andrew, let me get you some water, okay?” He asks and Andrew shakes his head. “I want you to fuck me.” He repeats, “I won’t be mad. I’m consenting.” He says. “No, you’re way too drunk to consent to anything.” Hallucination Neil says and Andrew tries to get up to grab Hallucination Neil. He at least wants Hallucination Neil’s dick in his mouth but the second he tries to stand the world spins. He feels terrible and he feels Hallucination Neil’s hands on his shoulders to steady him and then he’s puking his guts out. His shirt and Hallucination Neil’s shirt are covered in the various sweet things he’d eaten when he hadn’t been drinking throughout the day. “It’s okay Andrew, I’ve got you.” Hallucination Neil promises him even as the world keeps spinning. “I want to suck your dick. I’m done puking.” Andrew manages. “Here, drink this, Andrew.” Hallucination Neil doesn’t acknowledge his request and holds him steady keeping his arm around Andrew’s shoulders as he lifted a glass of water to Andrew’s lips. Hallucination Neil being so endlessly respectful of his boundaries is so much easier to process when he’s a figment of Andrew’s imagination. It's when the real Neil is just as respectful and diligent about Andrew's boundaries that Andrew finds himself wrong-footed. Andrew gulps down the water. It washes away the taste of his own puke. “Andrew I’m going to lift you up, okay?” Hallucination Neil asks. Andrew wonders how his brain is going to manage that one, “Take me to bed.” He mumbles and wraps his arms around Hallucination Neil’s neck. It feels gross when he holds onto Hallucination Neil this time and he remembers that his puke is still all over both of them. “I’m going to take you to shower first.” Hallucination Neil says as he lifts Andrew up into his arms in a princess carry that Andrew marvels at. “I like sucking you off in the shower,” Andrew whispers into Hallucination Neil’s neck. “I’m just going to rinse you off, Andrew. I’m not touching you that way or letting you do something you’ll regret.” Hallucination Neil says and Andrew hates that he can’t get his hallucination to agree to let him suck him off. Andrew feels like he blinks and the next second Hallucination Neil wakes him up. “Andrew, I’m going to take off your clothes. You puked over them; I promise I’m just going to rinse you off and put you in fresh clothes.” He says earnestly touching Andrew’s cheek. “You can do anything you want to me,” Andrew mumbles leaning his face heavily into Hallucination Neil’s hand. He brings his own hand up to hold Hallucination Neil’s wrist, “I like your hands.” He says kissing Hallucination Neil’s scarred knuckles, “I miss Neil.” He wants to be kissing real Neil. Wants to treasure real Neil’s hands. Hallucination Neil looks sad, and Andrew feels bad. “I like you too, but I want real Neil. He’s better than anything I come up with.” He doesn’t want Hallucination Neil to feel bad. He’s almost perfect because Andrew’s memory is perfect but Andrew knows he’s a hallucination so he can’t beat perfect real Neil who will be home in 24-48 hours. Hallucination Neil doesn’t say anything but pulls off Andrew’s shirt doing his best to keep the puke from touching Andrew, but it makes him feel sick when he smells it. He pukes again on Hallucination Neil and Andrew feels even worse for his hallucination. Hallucination Neil makes a face but looks at Andrew with softness that makes his heart ache for real Neil even more. He wishes his memory was a little flawed so that it wouldn’t feel so much like having real Neil here even if he was glad, he hadn’t puked twice onto real Neil. Hallucination Neil takes off Andrew’s pants and underwear and Andrew is shocked to see how limp he is. He wants Hallucination Neil, but his body doesn’t seem to get the message, the same way that Hallucination Neil doesn’t. Hallucination Neil peels off his own clothes but notedly leaves on his boxer briefs. Andrew feels cheated, he wants to suck on that cock. He puts a finger in the band of Hallucination Neil's boxer briefs as Hallucination Neil is checking the temperature of the shower, but Hallucination Neil turns around immediately. “Andrew, no,” he says firmly, and Andrew withdraws his hand so quickly he’s surprised he doesn’t slap himself. Andrew feels like he might puke again but Hallucination Neil’s hands cup his face. “Ask me when you’re sober and I swear it’s always going to be a yes.” He swears and it’s not fair that he’s as perfect as real Neil but he’s fake. He guides Andrew under the spray of the shower. Hallucination Neil scrubs him down narrating every spot he’s going to touch before he does it. He washes Andrew’s hair and Andrew feels like he’s going to fall asleep standing up. Hallucination Neil rinses himself off and takes turns off the shower. Andrew drifts as Hallucination Neil dries him off, narrating again every action. He only really comes back to himself when Neil asks him to lift his arms up and puts him in an old Palmetto sweatshirt that he’s sure used to belong to Boyd due to its size, but it became Neil’s. Hallucination Neil had already gotten his boxers on, and Andrew has no idea how he hadn’t come back for that. “I’m going to pick you up again, okay?” Hallucination Neil tells him and Andrew grumbles but nods. He just wants to go to sleep. If he’s asleep he thinks that Pipe Dream Neil might let him suck his cock. Hallucination Neil is too rooted in Andrew’s perfect memory of the perfect real Neil, but Pipe Dream Neil won’t be tethered like that. Hallucination Neil deposits him onto his and real Neil’s bed. He tucks Andrew in and gives him the body pillow that Andrew has hidden from real Neil so real Neil doesn’t know that he prefers holding something (real Neil) in his sleep nowadays. Hallucination Neil strokes his hair and moves to leave. “Aren’t you gonna stay?” He asks frowning. “I’m just gonna get you some more water. I’ll be back I promise.” Hallucination Neil tells him. Andrew grumbles and turns his back to Hallucination Neil, positive that he won’t return. Except Hallucination Neil does return. He returns and sets down two glasses of water on Andrew’s nightstand. Andrew can see his preferred headache pain meds. He doesn’t turn back around as Hallucination Neil heads over to Neil’s side of the bed and he can feel the dip in the mattress. Hallucination Neil doesn’t come closer, and Andrew will miss him tomorrow when he wakes up hungover. A hallucinated Neil is better than no Neil. He drifts off to sleep. Pipe dream Neil doesn't come because Andrew doesn't dream at all.

*****************

When Andrew wakes up the next day he is met with an unbelievably bad headache, his stomach felt like pure acid, and his throat ached from puking twice the night before. It hurts to even open his eyes. “Hold on, let me get the drapes.” Neil’s voice is quiet, and he feels Neil get up in the shifting of the bed. Neil. Not Hallucination Neil. The room darkens and Andrew cracks his eyes to see that it was Neil standing there in front of the blackout curtains. Neil in the sleep clothes that Hallucination Neil had come to bed in. Neil coming over to his side of the bed now and helps him sit up, his arm around Andrew's shoulders. Neil who helps him drain the first glass of water, Neil who helps him take the pain meds, Neil who lowers him back down to bed. “I’m going to make you some toast, okay?” Neil asks and Andrew can only nod blankly. Neil brings him toast a few minutes later with a jug of water and honey for his toast if he wants it. “You came home last night.” He says his memories are as clear as always. “I saw that piece and I booked an earlier flight. My part was already done, and Kevin promised me he’d call Wymack if he needed help.” Neil confirms. Andrew thinks about last night. Andrew had drunkenly thrown himself at Neil last night. He’d wanted it, he’d wanted it so badly, and if Neil had done anything to him last night Andrew wouldn’t have even been upset with Neil about it. But Neil had turned him down flat. Hadn’t even considered it for a moment once he realized Andrew was drunk. He’d comforted Andrew, taken care of him the best he could, and got him to bed. He never once touched him with any sexual intent. He wants to kiss Neil. He wants to tear him to pieces. He wants to pull him into bed and press his face into Neil’s neck. He wants to grab him by the hair and scream. He wants to get down on one knee and ask if Andrew can hallucinate him for the rest of his life. He wants to kill him. “I love you.” Comes out of his mouth and he doesn’t regret a syllable. Doesn’t want to take it back despite having never planned to say those words to anyone. Neil looks at him with wide eyes at Andrew’s proclamation. “I love you too.” Neil says his voice soft and shy in a way that has Andrew reaching for his face. His head hurts and his breath must be a true nightmare considering the combination of alcohol, puke, and morning breath but he has to kiss Neil. The kiss is chaste because Andrew’s insides are too tender for anything more than a chaste kiss at the moment but Neil, so perfect that Andrew has to accept that he couldn’t have thought Neil up, just smiles at him. "I love you even though you puked on me twice last night," Neil says and Andrew wishes his memory was less perfect. "282%" is Andrew's only response as he slathers honey onto his toast.